Forgiveness - Why and How

I do not recall forgiveness being mentioned in graduate school, either in psychology or in marriage and family therapy.  But soon afterwards I began to discover while working with many persons and couples, that anger, hurt, resentment and forgiveness were key issues.  What I have been discovering with my corporate clients, is that, no matter how much leadership or management training they have had, the key competency that 99% still lack is conflict resolution and the ability to deal effectively with anger. Furthermore, without those skills, productivity gets sabotaged.  So I have been developing materials and teaching courses in these matters.

Very few people know how to apologise, while fewer still know how to accept an apology.   Since we are human and make mistakes, an important skill is knowing how to apologise.  Four rules are recommended:

1. Do it as soon as possible.  The longer you wait the harder it is because the more you can imagine ways your apology might be turned against you.
2. Be specific about the behaviour you are apologising for, not like a Washington politician: "If I did anything wrong ..." Rather "When you ...when I ...I did not think ... etc."  Take time describing the specific behaviour.
3. Tell your feelings about the event and your feelings now.  "I am embarrassed to think about how thoughtless that was ..."
4. Tell how that is not like your usual or typical behaviour, so you end by affirming yourself.  Secondly, when accepting an apology:  Do not say: I am glad you finally see your mistake, or It’s about time, or I am still hurting ... and other shoot-from-the-hip statements that aggravate the tension.  So, if you can honestly do so, either simply "OK, let’s get on with our work (life, relationship, whatever)," or better, "I am sorry for my part also."

A good definition of forgiveness, by psychologist Robert Enright is:

• "Giving up the resentment to which you are entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled."

Those who refuse to forgive carry the ‘ghost’ of the hurtful person and give away their own power to this memory.  Without doubt, those with whom one chooses to remain angry will continue to control one, even when and particularly when one denies this is so.  Those who have not resolved conflicts with family members will carry that garbage into their current relationships even though they may be blind to the fact.   I have seen it repeatedly.  Whatever is repressed is bound to be repeated.   Resentment limits one’s emotional, physical and spiritual development.

I was a consultant to several therapeutic communities in the federal prison system.   Those who most filled with resentment were the most stuck and the least able to change.  It was as if they looked out at the world through 'piss-coloured' glasses. They were ready to be 'pissed,' and even sought for occasions, because that fault-finding allowed them to refuse to look at their own attitudes and continue rationalising any and all anti-social behaviour.

Many ordinary people, because they do not possess good conflict resolution skills, have a tendency to sulk, that is to look for and collect small 'neglects' and presumed injustices.  Behind such attitudes are seven myths:

1. forgiving is the same as forgetting
2. forgiving is the same as excusing
3. forgiving is the same as reconciling
4. forgiving makes you weak
5. forgiving is an act or a decision
6. forgiving makes you more vulnerable to the same or another person
7. forgiving depends upon the instigator acknowledging the wrongful behaviour.

All of these are common misconceptions, and none of them are true.

People who nurture revenge are liable to increased heart rate and blood pressure.   A study at Harvard School of Public Health found that men who scored highest on an anger scale were three times more likely to develop heart disease over a seven year period than low scorers.  These negative outcomes from held anger have been repeated a number of times.  It is plausible that those who forgave were less depressed and anxious, slept better, and were free from obsessive thoughts and also from revenge fantasies.

Ken Keyes (in Love, Not Fear) noted that we create the world in which we live:

• "The world tends to be your mirror.  A peaceful person lives in a peaceful world.  An angry person creates an angry world.  An unfriendly person should not be surprised when he/she meets only people who sooner or late respond in an unfriendly way."

About eight years ago I developed a handout listing steps necessary for forgiveness, and added one more in 1994.  Here they are:

Other articles by Paschal Baute (one or two page handouts) related to this subject are:

Guide for Dealing with Your Own Anger

Ready Guide for Dealing with Angry People

Passive-Aggressive Anger

Caring Confrontation

You Don’t Fight Fair!

How to Fight Fair (DISC Temperament differences) Four Basic Hidden Patterns in Stress/conflict

Embracing Criticism

Helpful Feedback: criteria for giving

Seven Steps for Conflict Resolution

How Men and Women Drive Each Other Crazy

Ask for a list of 180 handouts developed for clients, counsellors and trainers in human relations. He has also developed two training modules: Ten Cardinal Rules for Dealing with Angry Clients, Citizens, and Team-mates, and Conflict Resolution Skills for teams. These are sold with permission to copy and use in your own setting.