Jan 1 Headache! Didn’t get up until 5.30 Potato phoned to wish me Happy New Year. Told him to sod off. Felt bad about it later. Didn’t phone back to apologise. Stuff him.

Jan 2 Back to work Perg miserable. Sent me out on traffic duty. Don’t like Perg. Last sergeant better. Perg just a git. Wait til I get promoted over his head. Then we’ll see about it all. Humph!

Jan 3 Bought Sunday paper for crossword. Crossword enthusiast. Crossword crap. Tore paper up. Threw it in bin. Clodhopper wanted to know if I’d finished with paper. Told him to bugger off. Clodhopper went home. Literalist. Pillock.

Jan 4 Nothing happened today. Crossword even worse.

Jan 5 Crossword bilge. Perg wanted cops to put on variety show for deprived kids in recreation room. Social climber. Rotarian! Consensus—sod the little bastards. Made half-hearted efforts at finding material to build stage. Gave up. Cornflakes went soft this morning. Mop’s socks a bit high. Potato thumped in face by me for making up song, “Muffer \Is A Loony” and singing it. Perg got dinner in face when Sally tripped over mat. Not amused. Humourless misery. Serves him right.

Jan 6 Tore crossword up without looking at it. Potato’s crap. Got rollocking off Perg after he read yesterday’s diary entry. Shouldn’t read other people’s diaries anyway. Mop complained wage packet not big enough. Slop suggested cops make a record. Mooted “Laughing Policeman”. Slop told to get knotted. Told Perg letter from Littlewood's on his desk. Perg bought champagne and booked Caribbean cruise for self and Mrs Perg. Opened letter. Letter said his charge card payment overdue. Perg unhappy. Cops pissed.

Jan 7 Gave Mop wage packet one foot square. Not amused. Socks very high. Told him to change them. Told me to sit on thumbs and walk round room on elbows. Peasant. Clodhopper belched in Perg’s face. Perg less than ecstatic. Man phoned to report theft of spare shoelace. Told him to go away and stop wasting Police time. Chief Constable’s brother. Oops! Blamed Potato.

Jan 8 Went to church. Went home again. Saturday! Went to cinema. “Attack of Eviscerated Lemmings”. Rubbish. Kicked out for snoring.

Jan 9 Went to church. Sermon boring. Kicked out for snoring. Vicar went to sleep. Kicked out for snoring too. Papers all rubbish. Burnt my dinner. Sat on it. Telly crap. Questions on Bullseye too hard. Bet Clint Eastwood doesn’t have this trouble. Or Starsky and Hutch. Fed up 7.15 and went to bed. Don’t like Sundays. Boring.

Jan 10 Didn’t bother with crossword. Decided to buy book of them. Wanted to play golf after work. Rained. Clobbered Slop for making it rain. Told me not his fault. Couldn’t care less. Told him so. Clobbered him again. Bought crosswords.

Jan 11 Last few entries all in wrong order. 8th not Saturday. Friday. Went to church yesterday not 9th. Did actually but 9th Saturday so right but wrong. Wanted to play golf on Friday not yesterday but bought crosswords yesterday. Half of yesterday Friday and half yesterday. Friday Saturday and Saturday Sunday. Today correct. Tomorrow never comes. Need a holiday. Crossword book crap, Threw it away. Had to attend court case. Joe and Ostony. Joe and Ostony uncooperative. Spluge angry. Fell out of thing judges sit behind. Joe and Ostony escaped. Mop’s socks getting high again. Pooh!

Jan 12 Joe and Ostony reported playing truant. Truant catcher sent after them.. Truant catcher carried off by men in white coats at 11.30. Vacancy for truant catcher. Perg got ponced up to go to snob show in evening. Snob show cancelled because Perg going. Mop in bad mood. Punched Slop in face. Socks like bad eggs. Told him to change them. Suggested I &%$£ off. Grassed him up for smoking on duty even though he didn’t. Titter.

Jan 13 Had to police football match this evening. Lout ran on pitch. Tackled him. Lout thumped me in gob. Put him in armlock. Fell into goalpost and bust it. Goalkeeper thumped me for busting goalpost. Lout escaped. Other team scored whilst goalkeeper distracted. Goalkeeper thumped me again. Arrested him. Other team won 86-0.

Jan 14 No smell of rotten vegetation at work. Mop on day off. Relief. Potato in bad mood. Told him to cheer up. Potato casting doubts upon authenticity of Mr and Mrs Muffer’s marriage documentation.

Jan 15 Day off. Went to pub at midday……………….

Jan 16 Phoned in to say I’d got ‘flu. Haven’t, but have most of symptoms. Race meeting on at Ludlow. Thought it might be therapeutic. Went. Perg there. Had to keep out of sight. Horses all lost. Bad day. Put twenty quid on outsider in last. Fell during parade. Perg won £250. Git.

Jan 17 Went to church. Vicar slept throughout service. Vicar thick. Organist drunk. Played “Blaydon Races”. Poetic justice for me. Vicar’s wife tried to intervene. Fight. Went in evening in hope of replay. Wasn’t one. Went to pub after. Eight pints of Guinness and fourteen Jack Daniels’. Tipsy. Borrowed Bert’s pushbike to go home. Lost it. Heap of junk anyway.

Jan 18 Bert phoned to ask why his pushbike hanging from lamp post in High Street. Told him kids broke into shed and nicked it during night. Asked if I’d reported it to Police. Told him I was the Police. Asked if I’d reported it to myself. Said yes. Lied.

Jan 19 Man came in to report loss of time machine. Very distinctive. Purple and pink, shaped like kumquat with plutonium hydroxide veneer and stegosaurus in back seat. Furry dice and “amusing” stickers. Suggested he might visit GP with view to being certified.

Jan 20 Stegosaurus came in to report loss of barmy professor. Made late resolution to lay off Jack Daniels in future. Clobbered Clodhopper for drawing picture of me on bog wall with rude remark. Decided to book holiday. Couldn’t decide where to go. Got brochures for Thailand, New Zealand, Iceland, Tahiti, Martinique and Albania. Probably end up in Llandudno again. Mrs Phaggit’s Boarding House. Awful but cheap. In by ten. No women in rooms. Bed like ploughed field. No laughing. No Scrabble. View of fire escape. Teapot doesn’t work. Food uneatable. Weather crap. Full of Welsh. Don’t think I’ll bother.

Jan 21 Inspector called from New Scotland Yard regarding dope pushing case. Told him the only dopes we had were Potato and Slop but if Home Office liked to provide pram and case we’d get one of them to push it. Verbal warning for being smartarse. Inspector miserable. Ugly. Bet his wife is too. Nyaah!

Jan 22 Went to pub.

Jan 23 Hangover. Half inch coating of fur on tongue. Paracetemol job. Bathroom smells. Curry stains on bedroom ceiling. Poppadom powder in jacket pocket. Soggy naan bread in sink. Double vision. Poorly. Seventy quid light. Overtime likely.

Jan 24 Went to church. Communion postponed. Verger legless. Groped vicar’s wife. Vicar’s wife kneed him in nuts. Collection stolen. Sneaked out so not to get involved.

Jan 25 Potato’s birthday. Pretended to forget. Nobody else forgot. Swiped Mop’s card before he wrote it and gave it to Potato. Fight between Potato and Mop when Potato called him tosser for forgetting birthday. Went out. Can’t do with bickering amongst lower orders. New WPC starts tomorrow.

Jan 26 Noticeable change amongst cops. After shave. Amplex. Clean teeth! WPC attractive. Sent everyone else out with hair dryers to nick speeding motorists. Asked WPC out for drink. Reply disappointing involving taxidermy and allegations about solo nocturnal activity.

Jan 27 Asked by Clodhopper to make up numbers for snooker match tonight. Haven’t played for ten years. Obvious. Lost 97-4 (opponent went in-off). Others all won. Would have gone top if I’d won. Others ignored me afterwards. Last time I help them out. Extra beat-pounding for that lot tomorrow.

Jan 28 Decided to risk buying paper again for crossword. Crap. Threw it away. Vicar’s wife in court for attempted castration of verger. Verger not in court. Hospitalised. Took him some ripe plums. Cardiac team rushed in. Went to pub.

Jan 29 Alright, come on, you bastards...I’ll take the lot of yers………

Jan 30 Better this morning. Yesterday a blur. None of neighbours speaking. Perg wants to see me in office Monday first thing. Bill from Star of Punjab for new carpet, four tables, six chairs, waiter’s shirt, five bottles house red and toilet door plus extensive laundry charges.

Jan 31 Cut up credit cards. Went to church. Different vicar. Chorister sick during sermon. Back row of choir fell off bench. Old woman next to me kept breaking wind. Congregation pointing at me and holding noses. Left early. White rabbits tomorrow………..bloody hell!