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Contents

Creating these pages...

• What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb.
• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 min.
• What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment
• What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
• How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
• How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
• What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
• What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage
• How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
• What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
• What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
• What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
• How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.
• Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
• Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.
• What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side.
• A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
• Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.
• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.

Bumper Stickers…

• So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
• Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
• Illiterate? Write For Help
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
• I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
• You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
• If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong...
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!!
• If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
• Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
• If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
• Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
• Ax Me About Ebonics
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Cat: The Other White Meat
• Don’t Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
• Heart Attacks ... God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
• Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
• If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
• Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
• Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
• GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that precious.
• I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Marriage, a Man’s Perspective…

• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was... Always.
• I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.
• Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”. I said, “Dust!”
• In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
• A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.”
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Here's a little test you might enjoy filling out…

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

• THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  Female......Any part under a car’s hood.
  Male......The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
  
• VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  Female......Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
  Male......Playing football without a cup.
  
• COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
  Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
  
• COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
  Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
  
• ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
  Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
  Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
  
• FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
  Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.
  
• MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
  
• REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
  

Signs and Slogans…

• On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
• Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
• At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
• On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
• On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
• At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
• On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
• At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
• In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."
• In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
• At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

• Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
  ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
• Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
  ----Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
• A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
  ----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
• Beauty is only a light switch away.
  ---- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  ----Revolution Books, New York, New York
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  ----The Irish Times, Washington, DC
• Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
  ----The Janitor
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
  ----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
• Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
  ----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
• What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
  ----Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
• No wonder you always go home alone.
  ----Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

Questions…

• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
• Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed ?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery" ?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word ?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice" ?
• Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on 'Start' ?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons ?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour ?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food ?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it ?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes ?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff ?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together ?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress ?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal ?

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got in first.
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Some humorous quotations…

• xxx