A: What the hell are you doing?
Me: I'm eating.
A: And why?
Me: You're supposed to. To keep going.
A: Since when are you "keeping going"? You should be dying.
Me: If I don't eat, my brain won't work and I won't be able to carry on studying.
A: Yes, but then you'll be completely rotted anyway. So it won't make any difference. That's what I call a pathetic excuse. Who said you could eat?
Me: Well, lots of people. And I felt hungry.
A: What the hell has that got to do with it? You've never listened when you felt hungry before. You know what it means - you are dying. That is what is supposed to be happening.
Me: Dying?
A: Yes, dying! You know the rules, and you know you cannot live. Don't tell me you want to live, because you can't - you know you don't.
Me: Well, I ... I don't know. It might be ok to live, mightn't it?
A: Oh, you think life is ok, do you? Fifteen years and suddenly you get this stupid idea in your head that you could be alive, is that it? Or had you forgotten the Rules?
Me: I know, but that's changed. I don't think I'm in danger any more. Maybe now I've found somewhere safe. It's alright - people don't seem to mind me as much as before. It might be safe to live.
A: Oh, yeah?
Me: I haven't been bothering people - I know because they tell me. I think I feel better.
A: Yeah, right. You are really stupid aren't you? Nothing going on in that pathetic excuse for a brain of yours. Remember them, don't you? Kay who was supposed to be your friend and taught you the truth about how worthless you really are. The others who pretended to be your friends and sympathise when all they did was turn around and stab you in the back. Nobody wants you, you know that.
Me: But ...
A: No fucking buts. You have been dying so long. You can't give up on that now. There is only one thing: destruction. You have to die.
Me: How? I am normal weight again. I'm not a corpse any more.
A: Yes you are - you are rotten and wasted inside. You need to show it, so that everyone knows that you are destroying yourself.
Me: I can't answer that. I'm not strong enough.
A: No, and you never will be. Just when you start to listen to me and actually get something done, you turn around and think you might be able to live. I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
Me: Well, I'm doing a degree. I get good grades, maybe I'm not stupid.
A: Of course you are. Nothing, you are nothing. A rotting, wasted corpse is what you are if you are anything. Worthless. You were almost dead in January. What the hell happened to stop you?
Me: The nurses in hospital. I had no choice, and I lost my memory. You disappeared.
A: You weren't listening to me. That's all. People are starting to say you look healthy. We have to do something about that. Stop bloody eating!
Me: I am feeling better, and I don't think I want to stop. Things are better now, not like they used to be.
A: Nothing has changed. You are still worthless, and you know it. Don't you realise that you are putting yourself in grave danger? I am not having you go through all that again. Not when I have worked so hard to deal with it and get everything under control. Any minute it will change, and you'll find yourself a wreck again like before. If you do what I say you'll be safe. Nothing can touch you when you surrender to me. You know it's the only way.
Me: I might ... not get hurt though.
A: It's inevitable. You know that very well. It is always that way, you get nothing else. Remember the pain. That you know, it won't let you down. You must embrace it and forget the good things. You can never have them.
Me: Why not?
A: Because you can't.
Me: Because you say so?
A: Not just me. Look at the facts. We know the truth, you and I. We understand that this is the only way you have in this sick life. Die. You know it's the only thing you can have.
Me: Die?
A: Cut. Remember the pain. Get the knife. Cut yourself to shreds if you won't starve yourself. And if you eat anything else I'll make you take the laxatives. Now don't argue with me. I am your only protection. I will destroy you like you must be.
Me: Cut. Why can't I feel anything when I do?
A: Because it isn't enough. You need to feel the pain on the inside. Don't you fucking dare disobey me. I am the only thing you have, death is the only thing you can rely on. You deserve nothing else. Tear yourself to pieces so you don't ruin anyone else's life. You must start dying again. I want to feel you die.
