I spent 3 years having weekly 'talking therapy' with a behavioural psychotherapist. Often I hated the sessions, and dreading going. The whole day would be ruined by that single 50 minute appointment. Usually, when I hated it, it was doing me good. During this time, many things in my life changed. I had up times, and down times - during which much of the material in 'Hollow' and 'Inside the Anorexic Mind' were written. The summer after my second year was one of the worst periods of depression I have ever suffered - brought on by the pressure of doing exams in subjects for which courses I had never attended, or had no memory of. At the end of the summer, I met Chris. I think that was the most important change. Although I have trusted people and been let down before, I took the risk with Chris and it worked out. I had to learn a lot of things, which I have written about in the 'Lessons' section. The important lesson was allowing another person to have their own opinion of me, rather than trying to force them to accept my distorted view. Doing that made a big difference. I finally learned to shut up about how awful I was - people just found it insulting that I rejected their friendship and love. I got my degree, having worked myself so hard in the final year to make up the grades. I applied to do an M.Phil/PhD at the university, and they accepted me. Even better, my department put my name forward to the committee giving out awards to postgraduates, and I was selected to receive an award. So I had to learn to be proud of myself, well, just a little! I lived with Chris, and I started my PhD. Basically, I got on with life. There were always things that were more important to me than anorexia - which is why I've never been at a really frighteningly low weight. Now those things just washed over me. I felt sitting around being self-depreciating was a waste of time. Life was more important. Life is more important. A month ago, my therapist asked me 'when was I going to let go of all that pain in my past?' referring to the years of bullying, abuse etc. Suddenly, I saw it all in perspective. It was distant. Somehow, it just didn't matter. I opened my hand, and let go. And it drifted away. I believe recovery is possible for anybody, although I am certain that many people would need maybe more intensive, more focused treatment than I ever received. Basically I went on anti-depressants and talking therapy, and was allowed to carry on with life. It worked for me. Maybe not for everyone, but I think everyone has it in themselves to find recovery.
