An eating disorder is not just an illness, it's also a communication, a way of speaking. Communication has broken down, or is misunderstood. The sufferer is saying 'Look at me, I need help, I need attention'. Often, those around the sufferer interpret this the wrong way, that somehow this 'neediness' is a negative thing, when it's not. It's OK to need attention and love. Often eating disorders occur because the sufferer feels there is a lack of attention and/or love. This is NOT to say that those around them do not love them - what I mean is that the sufferer does not feel this love. The reactions of family and friends are not a deliberate attack on the sufferer, usually. I have seen families break down because communication is tangled up, misunderstood, or stops altogether. When a mother shouts at a child because they are not eating, or whatever behaviour they adopt, it is often not out of genuine anger, but out of fear. Parents have to watch their child suffer in a way they cannot understand. They convey the fear as anger, and the sufferer becomes worse as a result. I stress the need for calm. Yes, this is a scary time for all concerned. But it is important that we do not allow our emotions to dominate our reactions. Everyone in the situation is frightened and confused, and probably, feeling very guilty that it might be their fault. It is nobody's fault. That is crucial. We have to learn to treat each other delicately, not just the sufferer, but the whole family.
Here are some things to consider when dealing with a sufferer... Before you shout
Ask yourself, why are you shouting? Don't be angry. Once you are angry, the other person goes into the 'defensive' mode - they stop listening to you and just react emotionally. You can only communicate through talking calmly What do you really want to say? Are you scared about what the sufferer is doing, are you worried because this is dangerous? Whatever it is that you really want to say, you must say. You must express the REAL emotions. Don't say things like 'don't do that again'. Say you don't like what they are doing, you are worried and you want to help.
In my own case, my parents knew what I was doing, but never really talked to me about it. They waited for me to ask for help. At first they were confused, and tried to make me eat. When they saw the doctor who diagnosed me, he told them not to force-feed me. I saw the shock in their eyes, and I remember I felt very sad, because the doctor was taking away from them their only tool in the fight against anorexia. The doctor informed them that force-feeding only leads to worsening behaviours. In bulimics it will cause more purging, for laxative users, they will take more pills. The solution is not to take away the pills, not to lock up the bathroom after dinner. This places the emphasis on food, and food becomes a battle-ground, which is exactly the opposite of what must happen to deal with an eating disorder. The emphasis has to come off food. As my doctor said 'she will eat when she wants to.' Communication had to be re-established. We weren't dealing with my refusal to eat, we were taking away my method of hiding from the problems I had. I did eat, in my own way, when I felt 'safe'.
Dealing with an eating disorder in the family is hard. Everyone will have to face truths they don't like. Past actions and attitudes will have to be exposed and corrected. People don't like that - unsurprisingly, you want to know that you 'did the right thing', and removal of that leads to guilt and anger.
Whatever happened in the past, it is the past. We are none of us perfect. Recovery comes when the sufferer can look at the past, and let it go. it is not a battle-ground. We need to come to terms with the fact that nobody is perfect, that things happened but often they were not deliberately intended to hurt us.
A crucial lesson for me to learn is that people's motives are often not what I think.
The people who bullied me at school saw me as an example of something they could never achieve. They took out their anger on me. I used to hate them, but now I see that they were suffering as much as me. So I don't blame them anymore. I have a lot of sympathy, and in discussions about how people suffer from not getting an education and slum-living, I will speak for them - they have no hope, they see no advantage in education.
A really difficult issue for me was my parents, and the way they had dealt with my brother and I when we were growing up. I had for a very long time felt I was not a member of the nuclear family. A thousand times I wrote that I was angry because I felt just like a lodger. I wasn't allowed to talk about my high grades because my parents felt that this might upset my brother, who has dyslexia. I have come to learn a fundamental truth - my parents are human. That means they respond in human ways, and are not all-seeing and all-knowing. I am very proud of them because what they intended to do was to help their son in any way possible. I think they did a great job - they encouraged my brother in the things he was talented in, they gave him confidence. At no time did they intend to have the effect on me that they did. I understand that now - we all do whatever we think is best at the time. Sometimes we're right, sometimes we could do better. All of the time, we're human. I can't blame anybody for being human.
