Anorexia is not a person, it is not *me* I used to give it a name, see it as a person. Before that I used to try to be the person anorexia. I wanted to be all wilted and in pain. Until I realised that depression and anorexia are not people, are not me. They are an illness like flu is an illness. Behaviours are like sneezes, they are symptoms. THis is not a lifestyle. It's a disease and it kills. Nothing more than that. It is not a part of my soul. I cannot expect to be loved if I always reject it I thought all my life I would be alone. Nobody could ever love me, I thought, I believed. When people tried to love me I pushed them away - I insisted when they said they loved me - 'oh no, I am a terrible person. The world must hate me. You cannot love me'. I wanted their love but I wouldn't accept it, and I pushed them away. The only way to have love is to accept it. You cannot dictate to people how they feel about you. They are entitled to love you - accept their love with grace. If I hurt myself, I hurt others I used to cut. I have scars which will last forever. But I realised, since I have been with Chris, that cutting my own skin is cutting his heart. In fact, not just Chris, but everyone else in my life too. I stab me, I stab them. So I don't cut because I value Chris' heart. That is teaching me to value my own skin. Self-depreciation is a waste of time I wanted to assure people that I thought nothing of myself. I wanted to assure the world that I wasn't egotistic and selfish, that I hated myself. As if somehow this would make up for my being in the world. I was wasting my breath. It seems to daft to me now to say those things about myself, because this self-abuse is just like cutting. I am showing no respect to those who love me if I say I am a terrible person. They see things that I deliberately blinded myself to, it is cruelty to treat their opinions of me with such a depressing attitude. People don't want to hear about how much I hate myself for the things I have done. And now I don't want to hear about it either. Because I have done things, and gradually I am learning to accept my faults, and more importantly, to accept my value as a person. It's ok to be proud of what I've done Says it all really. I was bullied and tried to kill myself, but all the time I knew I would keep going out of my pure determination to get to university. I would never let myself be happy for what I did. But I see now it is better to be proud about it - people appreciate it. I came here, I did this. I refused to give in to the past. I don't have to live in the past Bad things happened. Terrible things. Things that at the time cut me very deeply, deeper than I cut myself. But, as my therapist says, I don't have to live them every day. The Now is more important, the future more important. I can live in the past and be miserable, or I can let go of the past, accept the failures and the successes, and move on to new things. There is no list of who deserves ... And who doesn't. We all deserve whatever we need in life. Denial is a waste of time, causes pain to yourself and others. Nobody decided what I could and could not have - apart from me. And when I made that judgement, I was wrong. We are all human People don't do things deliberately to hurt me. My parents did not mean to neglect me. They were struggling with a difficult situation, and did a brilliant job, considering. I cannot expect them to be perfect, and I accept that they are and were human, and made errors for which I forgive them. I am proud of them because they brought their son, who had severe dyslexia, up in an environment where he was given every encouragement. I did not feel encouraged, but that taught me to get on with things, to carry on whatever. I learned independence. Bullies at school hurt me very very deeply. But I can understand that, too. They were facing a bleak future in a poor neighbourhood. The best the girls could hope for was children who didn't get on the wrong side of the law and a husband who didn't beat them. They took out their frustration on the person they saw had all the chances. I forgive them for that - they were human and felt a pain as deep as mine. But they never stopped me; I pray that those who bullied me have done well in life, that they are free from unnecessary pain. Life is life There is no perfect life. Everybody has bad days, when they snap, when things go wrong. And I have bad days. But when things go wrong it is not the end of the world. I can make things better the next day if I try. Anything is possible if you don't chain yourself down with pain
