Battle of the Villains
And so it comes down to this; a battle between two paragons of evil; people whose entries in the history books will probably describe them as 'not very nice people at all'. Who wins? Who is consigned to the scrapheap? Why the Hell couldn't I get a pay-per-view deal set up in time?
Pre-Match Weigh-In
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| Name: | Lord Fear | Venger |
| Show: | Knightmare. | Dungeons & Dragons. |
| Actor: | Mark Knight | Peter Cullen |
| Location: | Level 3 of the Dungeon. | The Realm |
| Group Affiliations: | The Opposition. | Recruits armies and evil minions on a work-for-hire basis. |
| Enemies: | Treguard Dunshelm the Dungeon Master, The Powers-that-Be, the Dungeoneers and you. | Dungeon Master, Tiamat, and those pesky kids (Hank, Sheila, Eric, Bobby, Diana and Presto). That bloody unicorn too. |
| Minions: | Goblins, miremen, FrightKnights, Skeletrons, blockers, you name it. | Orcs, lizardmen, bullywugs. Just give him the Monster Manual and he's a happy force of evil. |
| Henchmen: | Skarkill the Goblin-Keeper, and then Lissard. Sundry others: the Brollachan, Sylvester 'Sly' Hands, Raptor. | Shadow Demon. Also has a nightmare as a steed, unnamed. Probably not called Binky. |
| Evil Powers: | Technomancy. Always designing traps and creating mechanical monstrosities, most notably the FrightKnights and the Skeletrons. | Sorcery. Venger's also bred demons in his time -- Demodragon, a half-demon/half-dragon being a noteworthy example. |
| Goals: | To win. Kill as many Dungeoneers as possible, humiliate Treguard, the whole arch-villain bit. | To get the kids' magic weapons, destroy Tiamat, destroy Dungeon Master, take over the Realm and rule it with evil. Then breakfast. |
| Appearance: | Not a very imposing build; average height but slightly plump. It's all in the face; pallid complexion, menacing expressions. He tries to look mean and for the most part succeeds. When in doubt, he just pours on the venom. | Doesn't even have to try. Eight-foot-zero in his stockinged feet (he wears a dress, and a man must accessorise, dearie) and built like a brick shithouse; pale blue skin, fangs, burning red eyes -- at times you don't even notice that he wears a skirt! |
| Campness: | Pretty high. Always berating his minions about their complexion and breath -- probably made Lissard cry as a consequence. Has an evil cackle. Loves to gloat. Loves the sound of his own voice. "I like the view -- I really do like looking down on people. Comes naturally, you know." A devotee of the 'give it all you've got, lovey' style of supervillain acting. | Surprisingly low. Not one evil laugh in 27 episodes. Doctor Doom levels of arrogance. Doesn't come up with flowery insults, preferring the terms 'weakling', 'coward' or 'fool' -- he calls it like he sees it. The most he'll come up with is a scathing remark that disparages someone's character. "He is a brave boy. Not at all like his father." All in all, not very camp despite the fact that he swans about in a big dress. |
Pre-Match Interview
We wanted to get a few words from both the contestants in this clash of the titans, to see how much they fancied their chances. Our roving reporter's first port of call was The Realm, where Venger was making his press statement.
VENGER: Lord Fear is a fool to think that he can stand against me. The contest is as good as mine. If he were wise enough to surrender to me at once I may be persuaded to be merciful.
SHADOW DEMON: But, master! What would become of me if Lord Fear were to become your minion?
VENGER: Silence!
Shadow Demon cowers.OUR CORRESPONDENT: But, Venger, what do you have to say about the controversy surrounding your selection for this contest? Isn't Tiamat stronger than you and therefore a better choice of contestant?
Shadow Demon cowers even more. Venger scowls. A lengthy silence descends. Venger raises a hand and blasts our correspondent with an energy bolt.FWACKOOM! VENGER: I trust I have made myself perfectly clear.
After he was discharged from hospital, we sent our sports correspondent to Marblehead Fortress. We have yet to hear from him, although Lord Fear was nice enough to send us this email:
From: The Leader of the Opposition and Master of Marblehead Fortress, Lord Fear <lordness@theopposition.org>
To: Slack 'n' Hash
Attachments: fireball.pif
Oh dear, oh dear. That journalist couldn't even solve a basic counting puzzle and get down to Level Three. What do they teach them in school these days? Such a shame he won't have the chance to regret his inability to cross the causeway, what with falling into a big pit and everything. I'd apologise, only I don't want to. Hopefully Venger will be as much in awe of my fiendish intellect as you undoubtedly are.
Worst wishes, Lord Fear.
PS. Hi! How are you? I sent you this file in order to have your advice
The Final
So, who's the most evil? The battle, like so many before it, was surprisingly short. Lord Fear invited Venger to Marblehead to discuss a potential alliance.
LORD FEAR: The thing is, Venge -- I can call you Venge, can't I? -- we've both had a lot of experience in fighting the most dangerous creatures in the universe: the adolescent human. Pooling our resources might be worth a try.
VENGER: Indeed? And what makes you think I would consider working with you as an equal, Lord Fear?
LISSARD: Lordness! Lordness!
LORD FEAR: Not now, Tuna Breath. I'm in the middle of a negotiation.
VENGER: You are a weakling and a fool, Lord Fear. There is nothing to negotiate. Now I am here I shall simply destroy you and claim my position as winner of the contest!
LISSARD: But, Lordness!
LORD FEAR: Oh, very well, Lissard. Now!Lissard pulls a lever. A section of wall slides up, revealing Tiamat the Dragon. Venger recoils.VENGER: What treachery is this?
LORD FEAR: You see, Vengie, that's the difference betweem you and me; you're never going to get anywhere in the supervillain leagues if you don't negotiate now and again. I take it you two have actually met?Tiamat promptly starts blasting Venger with breath weapons. Venger returns fire, but to no avail. He retreats. On Lord Fear's instruction, Lissard drags a vast sack of coins over to Tiamat.LORD FEAR: I think you'll find that's all in order, Tiamat. A pleasure doing business with you!
Winner: Lord Fear!
In the end the leader of the Opposition takes the title and is the most evil Kids' TV villain of all time. Until next time, anyway.