Lack of Pies
Every issue, Lack of Pies brings you a view from the pulpit from leading authorities on the world of role-playing games and fantasy fiction. This issue, we are indebted to Anal Matthews, Pastor of the First Fundamentalist Church of Buttplug, Georgia for his valuable time.
FRIENDS IN JUSES, I AM DISTURBED. Now, don't go thinking that Pastor Matthews has gone off his trolley and acted like all those others who've fallen victim to madness -- or, as it should be called, demonic possession. No, friends, what's got me all riled up and fit to be tied is hearing that the evils of role-playing games are still going unabated. Philip, the young man who offered me the chance to speak my mind on his internet web site, told me his site was devoted to role-playing games. I think he had some cockamamie idea that I was going to say we don't think the games are evil anymore, and gave me the chance to witness to a lot of unsaved people that I wouldn't normally reach. Sure, I might not have pointed out that our views on the evils of RPGs haven't changed one iota, but why should I jeopardise the chance of saving a load of of gamers just because he might have been misled by his own preconceptions of what I was going to say? Still, I'm indebted to him for this opportunity to speak the truth, and I intend to repay him by making sure he's one of the first to get saved.
Now, I understand that you, like those pesky prosecuting counsels who didn't believe my interests in Nigeria were legitimate, are going to want evidence for the sinfulness of your actions and why each and every last one of you is going straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Fortunately some of you Satanists have already seen the light and have come to Juses. Of course, those people aren't here reading this article -- they're where they should be, in a Church where the literal word of the Lord is the final authority on everything.
Let's start with the basics. You see, RPGs have clerics and priests of various heathen and fictional gods -- and not a single one on the market features clerics who praise Juses. This is as dangerous as it gets, folks. It's this whole business about imagination. Sure, it seems all so innocent. "Oh, but Pastor Anal, it's all a game of make-believe." WRONG! You couldn't be more wrong! You see, what you imagine is very important to Juses. It says it right there in Proverbs 6:16-19. "An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations." If you imagine you're playing a Cleric who isn't saved by JUSES, then you're angering God. If you imagine you're playing a villain -- or several villains, if you're the Dungeon Master -- then you're angering God. And since it says in Matthew 5:28 that "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" -- well, boy, it doesn't matter if you worship a Heathen god with all that business with the chickens. In thinking about it, you've done it. You've let Satan into your head and the only way to get him out is to jemmy him out with JUSES! Well, if you want to get saved, read on...