Lack of Pies
Now, I ought to mention that things are more serious than I thought. Why, RPGs are even in our films now! I don't know if you've heard about the hoo-hah over this whole Lord of the Rings film, but it turns out that this feller named J.R.R. Tolkien -- a Hell-Bound Romish Idolatrous Heathen, unsurprisingly -- has gone and made some films about his D&D game where some circus midgets are running around and trying to destroy a ring or some other piece of idolatrous nonsense. Doesn't this just sound like the sort of thing a Death Cookie Muncher would dream up? Well, naturally, being an upstanding member of the community I had to complain about this at once and try to make sure that this Tolkien boy saw the light, but would you believe my luck? I had a word with the film company that distributes this blasphemous nonsense and it turns out he's dead! Now, I won't pretend to know the full circumstances of the case, but I'll bet that after making these two films he went and got his daddy's shotgun, put on some Judas Priest records and blew his sinful brains out, while his unrepentant soul was cast down into a literal Hell, complete with a burning lake of flaming fire. Praise!
I had heard of some people in the past ten years trying to get some demon called elected President, of all things -- I needn't say that if the right man had been elected, none of this would have happened -- but it could happen unless more people take more of an active stance against Satan. We've got to put our foot down before the entire planet goes to the Devil! We've got to put a stop to everything; not just role-playing games, but that rock music that so many children seem to listen to these days, Bob Hope (thanks to the Westboro Baptist Church for pointing that one out), dancing, Harry Potter, being homosexual, not believing in Creationism as outlined in the Bible and intrusively looking at the private doings of godly men rather than just accepting their words as men of Juses.
Specific action is what's called for too, just like in the good old days! Now, I thought we had this satanic pastime licked, I really did, but it seems to be back and worse than ever! It's a shame, friends. Jack Chick did a great job, but we made the mistake of resting on our laurels. What's needed, my friends, is ACTION. We need to PLANT a SEED for JUSES. If you want to plant a seed for Juses too, my friends, we must all make sacrifices. Send any money you can spare to Pastor Anal Matthews and I give you my personal guarantee that every penny donated will go to the cause of saving souls from the evil of role-playing games, every $100 donated will save two souls. We need more than money, though. We need unity. Come together! I urge every man, woman and child that has accepted JUSES as his personal savior to come forward in a public display of outrage. It's time for more book-burnings, friends. There is EVIDENCE that these instruction manuals in Satanism are CORRUPTING the minds of our children, and we have to take ACTION. Of course, we're going to attract some flak for this. We always do. Be strong, friends, and draw your strength from Juses.
Of course, that's not to rule out that you have to get saved before anything else. You see, it's not by our works that Juses judges us. It's by whether or not we have accepted Juses as our personal savior. All there in Matthew 7:22-23. Now, this treatise isn't going to be enough to save you -- you've got to read some Chick Tracts and make your own mind up first, but the choice is pretty simple. You can either get saved and go to Heaven -- don't worry, you can do that on your death-bed if you like -- or you can try to muddle through in your own way, thinking up your own thoughts and morals and playing a game that invariably turns everyone it plays to Satan... and see where it'll get you. I'll bet any money that it'll be in someplace that involves being drowned in a lake of burning excrement while bat-winged demons sodomize you on a regular basis, though!
A final thought. The power of prayer can achieve many things as my brother in Juses Pat Robertson will tell you, and as history, no doubt, will remember for years to come.
Biographical Information: Anal Matthews has been preaching for 50 years. His tracts Why You're Going To Hell If You Have Two Mommies and Filthy Teenage Sluts: Satan Is Tempting Me With Their Developing Breasts have never been in print. He does not consider the fact that he is a fictional character created entirely for satirical purposes to be any hindrance to what he has to say.