Belgium and Holland Tour (Contributed by Ian Thatcher)

Well the meet for the coach was a very early 6.30 am departure and there was the usual panic of have we got enough beer, have we got enough money, and what currency do we need. Alan Panter got the trip off to a good start by forgetting his passport. Now to most this would be understandable but Alan used to live in Bedworth and you always need a passport to get out of Bedworth. As Adey Nightingale was to meet us in Maastrict, Alan decided to attempt to take Ratleys naked arm wrestling trophy away from him, so the tension built (Ratley had been on the all dayer the day before so was still pi**ed)
Well the arm Wrestle got underway and Ratley god bless him won again, the tour committee have decreed that if he is to win again next year he can keep the trophy. As the journey progressed we could see all of the other sports clubs that were driving down the motorway on the way to the continent. A great atmosphere was developing amongst the tour party as the beer was well flowing by now. We had met our tour rep "Mutley" and had already signed him up for the first game. We were looking short of a hooker and guess where he plays. Well the party was now well into action and I had been very busy selling little plastic spaceships for £2 (Ha Ha) Each time Mutley would call out song sheets and the noise on the coach would increase with the gusto of all of the singing that was going on. Dave (Mutley) got in on the act and every so often would call spaceships which got more complicated the more alcohol was drunk.
We pulled into the services and there was rugby players everywhere. We saw that we were all quite modestly dressed and having only one tour bitch was not quite enough. There were blokes dressed in skirts, dresses, and the best Y fronts seen since Sullies pants of power. It was here that we joined forces with a team from Bath (staying at our hotel) and kidnap one of their players. A young lad that his mother had insisted he bring his pillow from home with him. Exchange is no robbery so we gave them Ratley thinking that he would get sorted. No such luck, they just plied him with a few more cans and then let him sleep and left him alone. Our Judge had been nominated (Steve Thompson) and Prosecution (Ha Ha Ha) Alan "the enforcer" Panter. The defence, well who needs defence in a kangaroo court ?
Players were suitably briefed and the kidnaps occurred with no blood spilt. Ratley was dragged away to be heard shouting in a high pitched voice "Alan, Help oh Alan please Help me" In fact he put up quite a good fight until he realised that we were all in on the act and were never going to rescue him. We had a prisoner of our own to force feed Jack Daniels until we reached the ferry port.
Well we all got onto the ferry all right with every one passing through passport control but Dave Ellis was having a bad day, he had already lost his spaceship, song sheet and now his passport. He was very worried about his passport for about 10 minutes then forgot about it until Monday. It was here where a hockey team was spotted on our left as we waited to get onto the ferry. This was a mixed hockey team with a cute little blonde who nearly our coach over as word got around. She was encouraged to remove her top but would only do so behind the curtain, the curtain was removed mid change by one of her colleagues to the approval of our coach and disapproval of what may of been her boyfriend.
Well the Ferry was definitely an experience, once reclaiming the unfazed Ratley it was "Where's the Bar ?" Once seats were claimed the beers were ordered and we were off again. Treating the whole ferry to a sing song culminating in the whole bar doing "The Sunshine Mountain" It was so good that some people thought we were going to spend the whole tour on the ferry.
Once the ferry trip was over next priority was more alcohol. The driver "Dick" was a good sort and arranged to call at a warehouse on the outskirts of Calais where once the wip round had been collected off everybody Beer, Wine and food was the order of the day. There was only one tight git. Weaver had had his sandwiches pilfered and refused to contribute, shame he didn't refuse the alcohol as he was sick near to Liege.
Once the stacks of beer had been bought, Belgium the next stop for ciggies, cigars etc, strange place as they all advertised in sterling not Belgium francs, I wonder which market they are targeting ? Well once all of the goods had been purchased back to the coach. After porn, songs and porn weaver decided that we should all watch American Pie (Very Soft Porn/Comedy with storyline) time was moving on so people were getting quite drunk by now. As we approached Liege a marked degeneration was noted in Steve Thompson who was finding it difficult to write it would of been easier to read hieroglyphics. Well all to the Holiday Inn, well posh for a rugby tour. The lads were told all on best behavior and it was realised that the team from Bath were on the same tour organisation and were in the Holiday Inn also. Swimming pool was the shout and both teams rushed to rooms, unpacked and went swimming, I'm sure that I even saw Marc lord in the pool, one of us must of been pi**ed.
Friday night on the Lash Liege style (Well some of us Thommo). Out we went in search of food, donner kebab place that will do, On the way from the Kebab shop it was noted that the meercats were looking for snakes. Once they had been blown out at least 3 times they rejoined the party and a better bar was sought. It was at this bar that Russell Hughes decided that Belgium should really be an annex of England, I want a pint of carling etc etc. Why do they use this stupid foreign money etc etc. It was here that Marc Lord (Meercat 1) Decided that he was going to buy a few roses for the local talent, can't fail here he thought, well £30 of roses later Marc thought that he had cracked it. Alan Panter followed and negotiated a deal for at least half the price for the same quantity. The lads now had about 100 roses and no talent to give them to. It was during this period that Alan really missed Adey his mate, You lot just don't understand me was the claim. I can't wait until we meet him tomorrow.
This brought the evening to an abrupt end with the Bar now littered with Nuts, Biscuits and Roses. The Lads were still on the prowl and we heard the faint hum of Disco Music beginning to start. They were not nightclubs just back street disco bars but they had the one vital ingredient, Women. It now becomes a blur as people split up and went there own ways. Mind you It was around this time that John Richards was beginning a trip of his very own. John after taking in everybody's hotel deposit (just in case of a little damage) decided to pick a fight with his roommate. Now this may not seem that strange to you but his room mate happened to be Bob Setchell, anyone who knows Bob will realise that if you are going to start trouble Mr Setchell is the worst likely candidate. Anyway after being pinned down John decides to go walkabout. It was here that he found home (well he thought it was home) it appeared in the unlikely apparition of a park bench. John decided that a 5 minute nap was in order only to awake hours later in his prince of Wales check suit thinking he was at Birmingham airport awaiting an airplane. John arrived at breakfast very disheveled and a tiny bit sheepish to relay his story.
It was at about this stage that Steve Rouse and Dave Ellis decided to pay us a visit. They arrived back at the hotel after about 36 hours on the lash ready to play rugby.
Well most of the lads arrived down in the hotel foyer a little bit the worst for wear. Around now Brian Morris decided that he had enough and made arrangements to fly home. After a little mickey taking Brian had a change of heart and stuck it out. The time was approx 12 oclock but the other team staying at the same Hotel had problems with there Coach and our party allowed them the use of it. Bad move, this allowed them to steal the Coventry Welsh Tour Flag (Later retrieved, unlike our trophy). It was around this time that Steve Rouse admitted to mislaying The tour spinner which he should have received punishment for (Thommo again).
Well time to play rugby, arrived in Maastrict and met up with Adey Nightingale. Alan Panter breathed a sigh of relief as he now had he friend. The team from Bath were the team to be played with an excellent Referee (If you believe that Mr Weeks your having a laugh) The Bath team seemed to think he was part of our tour party by his decisions, we just knew they were poor. With the game finished off to the drinking. The bar was run by our scrum half on the day Johnny who was a great player he also happened to run the Irish Bar in Maastrict so that was handy. Well a boat race was the order of the day where you had to neck your pint and then spin on a pole 10 times before running 10 yards and tagging the next person. Well all was going well until it was Triggers turn, trigger hasn't the best co-ordination at the best of times and very dizzy running at you the worst place was to be anywhere near him. Trigger ran off at right angles to where he should of staggering to the ground.
It was at this time that Yemmy tour organiser and captain began to say hello to his welsh mates Hugheeee & Ralph. Not a good sign but fair play made it till the end of the night. Back to Johnny's bar which is amazingly placed, curry shop next door, Coffee shop just down with the chip shop and porn shop all within staggering distance the lads were in clover. Bar jumping, no tops on tour and many other silly tour games followed with Dave Ellis going missing after a quick smoke after visiting the coffee shop. He made the first bus home on his own, don't know how and neither does he.