The Whitley Bay Tour 2003 by Dave (thanks to Rousey for the bits where I blacked out!)

Some of us (Me, Lordy, Rousey, Fletch and Ratley) arrived at the Welsh and the tour didn't exactly start with a bang. We spent 1 hour attempting to get the barrels to work, failed and had to drink cans of cider (bummer!) until Liam arrived who new the special chairman's method of starting the gas - it apparently involved turning them on or something. Anyway we were off.

It wasn't soon before the traditional naked wrestling challenge pre-tour title was up for grabs. We had already decided (after a few sherbets) to adorn our tour wigs. Most of the tour regulars had prepared well. All except Ratley and Ash. After some feeble mumblings about Ratley's "wig" not being a hat with hair hanging out, the rest of the tour decided that naked body grappling was in order. Following some grunting and puffing of hot air, Neither were crowned as winners. Further punishment had to be dished out in the form of an Arm wrestle for wig abuse. Some pilfering had taken place so Steady had to take on all comers. First was Brett the tour virgin. He was polished off in quick fashion, then Luke put up more of a fight, however due to a controversial ruling (he's a tour bitch) he was excluded and Steady emerged with the wig.

Finally we were ready to go, and feeling the excitement of a cold April
morning we boarded the coach. A few miles down the motorway and a sing song later it was soon evident that our coach had the very best of facilities. The toilet smelt like skunk poo, and the heating was not working. Only the best for the Welsh. We arrived at Tibshelf services to stock up on essentials, only to find the entire place crawling with Police. Rugby tourers and the boys in blue - luckily no-one ended up arrested, however due to some barracking from the lads (lead by Ash we believe constable) the nice smiling lady behind the counter announced that because we were so quiet and well behaved, we could come back any time!! Banned is what she said, BANNED from Tibshelf Services. Needless to say we were gutted.

After a long trip we arrived in Whitley Bay at 8am, and once we were let into the hotel got some much needed power napping in before our tournament appearance at Rockcliffe RFC. Some great performances by the lads in the tournament, myself, Lordy, Brett and Luke (soon to become Britney and Sinead!) were in the grandstand observing some fantastic barbarians style rugby, which included a Russ Brown try from the half way line. According to Browny he picked up the ball in his own dead ball line, after three side steps, two hand offs and a sprint finish he placed the ball firmly under the posts for the conversion. That got a standing ovation from those watching on the sideline, in the bar and those watching the other game! It must have been the pickled eggs before each match but both sides we entered won their groups, we unfortunately met Percy Park in the semis who turned out to be the best team in the area, and got beat, not only in the game but also the fighting. In the bar after the game Lordy decided to adopt the local accent, and after ordering a 'pint of cider and black please, pet' at the bar, proceeded to ask the locals where the best place to drink in the 'toon' - pet.

We left Rockcliffe, tired but happy and after some refreshing showers we would be out on the toon, for some serious drinking practice. Saturday night went without too many hitches. Trigger decided that he should talk to a few ladies while he was out and about, so spied his prey. After careful consideration about his approach, he opted for his usual tried and tested method. So off he went and knocked the poor girl to the floor!! Some of the lads went to night clubs and some (fannily) opted for some well earned shut eye. Big day on Sunday, and with Browny as tour judge we needed our wits/wigs about us.

Sunday and we were outside the local pub (the Station) before opening.
The owners of the pub kindly let us in bang on 12 and we got ready for the 'away day'. First thing was first and we nominated rounds and tour bitches. From a well organised Fletch came the rules of the day, and the spinner, including drinking Newky broon through a sock, and Steady's G&T's. Whitehouse used his powers of common sense to organise some raffle tickets. To make each one identical he proposed to write a number on the back before handing them out! That would be the common sense extraction he had when aged 6 kicking in.

The tour bitches were asked to change into something more suitable. Al came back looking like a fat Kelly Osbourne and Stretch was gutted when he saw a bird wearing the same crocodile skin style blue top as him! Murph looked far to feminine as did Dave Lord, Lolee just looked scared, the dress scarily fitted Luke really well, Brett suited his little waistcoat and skirt while Fordy made his lookalike Pink look attractive! Each round was allocated a bitch to fetch beer, carry coats, clean floors, clean shoes and anything else we could think up!

Tour party decided that they should earn their keep like the whores they are, and stand on the street corner for five minutes. The main street in Whitley bay was brought to a standstill as four butch looking women of the night practiced their trade...at midday on a Sunday. After we finished our beers (and the bitches finished their halves of lager and lime) we moved on with our bitches in tow to the bedroom. No, not that bedroom, a bar called The Bedroom, so named due to the rubbery (and that's not Chinese for lovely) double bed within. we continued forcing the bitches to pay their way. Some cleaning of shoes was needed, followed by giving the floor a good clean, with the use of a toothbrush - all thanks to Britney (aka Brett). By the way Brett, when you thanked Lordy for not forcing him to do loads of bitch tasks, and he passed you what you thought was a vodka red bull, it was actually half a pint of his urine! Well downed you Zulu warrior.

Further tour fines and punishments were handed out by Judge Brown. One for
Little Lordy (another tour bitch) for being injured during the last match, and the Last of the Summerwino's who avoided the tournament altogether to go to a strip club - respect!

Later on the drinking began in earnest. A few incentives such as the
clothes peg. and the Golf ball encouraged people to down their beer at a steady rate. Plenty of G&T's , Newky brown's and Jibber Jabbers sent Loley over his alcohol tolerance level. He jumped on the bed and started writhing around in a somewhat erotic, hardcore lap dancer style. He was soon to be joined by Dave Lord, and Brett soon had his head up Lolees skirt - or Smelly B*llocks as Brett now calls him. We had full on bitch on bitch on bed action! Hardcore.

We then moved down the road to another bar (can't remember name) with a cheesy disco. Lolee was up to his tricks again dancing monkey style in the window while some breakdancing was going on. We then sent the bitches home to get changed and moved on to a seedy karaoke bar to round off a good day's drinking. There were a few locals when we arrived and they seemed friendly enough. One guy even allowed his
lovely girlfriend to pole dance for us! The inevitable break dancing was underway and tour t-shirts were destroyed in the mayhem!!

Soon came kicking out time, where curries and kebabs became the order of the day! The local curry house soon filled up with red tour shirts, and entertainment was provided in the way of a mixed sex punch up in the door way! One assailant wielding a bottle of Malibu which Ash rescued. We returned to the b&b, where Ryan whipped Lordy on the ball bag with the full on buckle end of his belt, and knocked off all the pictures on the walls. then went to bed.

Whitley Bay, Bank Holiday Monday - it f**kin' LEGENDARY! Or so the locals told us, we started at 11am, no-one else did. We thought this legendary drinking was a bit of a farce. It turns out that namby pamby Beckham lookalike Geordies don't start drinking until 1. When 1 o'clock hit the main bar area looked like a massive cue to get into Pop Idol! It was absolutely f**kin heaving! To make up for leaving early we decided to drink faster (well, me and Lordy did) to go with our cider and black we added a triple vodka and orange, which turned out actually quite nice (one to remember). Russell then decided to drop his false teeth in my beer comedy style, it was only when I refused to give them back that he started to get a bit arsey.

To liven things up (after Russell broke his chair) we decided a good idea was to wind Loley up to run into the sea naked. It only worked!!. Off he went, sprinting into the icy water. To show support me, Kitch, Lordy and Russ Brown decided to follow suit. Some were stopped by the bouncers after threats of police involvement. Plenty on the beach though and the cheering crowds urged the cold tourers into the sea. Nikki nakki nooo.

After Fletch and some of the others collected kebabs and burgers, we clambered onto the coach for a drunken hour of travelling. The rest of the journey was a sleepy tour on empty evening motorways. We managed to get back into Tibshelf though - hardcore! We arrived in Coventry round 11pm knackered, most of us had left their voices in Whitley Bay. I know it took me a week to get mine back.

Well toured lads! I divvert knoo we cud toour soo weell, pet.