Where would the world be without jokes about musicians? As the butt of many of them, a bassist would naturally say "a better place", but here are some I like about bass players.
Links to pages with jokes about bassists
Chris Cowen and Jim Gault sent me very similar stories::
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"
Chris Cowen sent this too - of course I don’t like it, but I’ve heard it so often I can’t leave it out!
A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist.
If you know some more bassist jokes, I'd love to hear them, and I'll add any I like to the list. But...They must be specific to bass players. For instance, I liked the one that goes "What do bass players use for contraceptives?" "Their personalities!" The trouble is that I heard it first about bodhran players, and it could be said about any instrument. There are a lot of jokes about being out of tune or out of time, but these are also about many instruments. So if you know any you'd like me to put here, please e-mail me on jokes@DrBass.co.uk. Thanks.
The band was just leaving the stage after a particularly successful gig. The crowd
were screaming "more" and pressing up to the stage. The singer dived into the crowd
and was caught by half a dozen beautiful women, who started to fight over him. The
guitarist was walking down the stairs when this gorgeous looking girl dragged him
into a quiet corner, held him down and started to kiss him all over. The drummer
was followed into the dressing room - I didn't see who by, but the sound they made
was loud and rhythmic. The bass player walked down the steps, crossed over to where
a girl was sitting. He said "Hello - I'm the bass player." She said "Hi - I must
be going. I need to wash my hair tonight."
I was having a lesson with a bass instructor. She told me that most guys play bass
with a pick - she reckoned that this was because they learn the wrist action naturally
during adolescence. I noticed that she played fingerstyle. I asked "Did you learn
that finger action during adolescence?" She nodded sheepishly.
Some of the band were talking to the press, when the reporter asked "Who would you most like to play like?" The guitarist said "Santana"; the reported said "I like his new record." The keyboard player said "Rick Wakeman"; the reporter said "What a guy!" The bass player said "Jaco Pastorius"; the reporter said "Who?"
Thank you to Michael Marler, who sent this next one to me. Although you could tell it about other instruments, it confirms my prejudice that intelligent bass players don't worry too much about string selection.
Two guys are sitting at the end of the bar. One turns to the other and introduces himself: "Salutations, my name is Konrad and my I.Q. is 315." The other returns: "Well met, my name is Stanislaw and my I.Q. is 307. What is your opinion of protoid bombarded cryospheric power fields?" Meanwhile, at the other end of the bar, two other fellows meet. The first says: "Wow, nice bar. Hi, I'm Bob and my I.Q. is 31!" The other replies: "31? Mine's only 28! What kind of bass strings do you use?"
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? - One. Five. One. Five. One. Five.
Thank you to Sam Price of New Orleans, who sent me this:
Did you hear the one about the bass player who locked his keys in his car? He had to break the window to get the drummer out.
