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Don’t you hate it when you are trapped in a little room and you keep running around and around and around but there is just no way out? When you bang against the doors but no one pays any attention because no one can hear you? When you can see out the window but you just can’t change what is happening outside, as if it is happening to someone else?
Then what do you do when that room is your mind and no matter how hard you try you just can’t stop yourself doing stuff outside of it. You’re looking out on yourself and there is nothing you can do, you know what you are doing is not the right thing to do but all you can emit are silent yells. No one can hear you and they just think you a wanker but you didn’t want to say that, you didn’t mean to say that, so why did it happen? You just can’t stop yourself, it is as if you are someone else and you are just looking on at them. So you try to avoid people and not talk to them but people don’t go away on cue and you end up insulting someone as it is hard to say please bugger off as I am really not in the mood to talk to you at the moment without hurting their feelings somehow. You know that if you said that then they would then starting asking more questions, can’t they understand that you can’t answer there questions, it is not that you don’t want to but that you can’t.
Can’t? How come it is can’t, surely it is won’t? Surely if you were just a bit stronger, a bit better person then you would be able to do this but you can’t. You want to, why wont people believe you. It is hard to explain but you have all the right things to say swimming around in your head but somehow they just can’t get out, you are no longer in control of what is going on. So scared, so very scared, I know I don’t look it but then that is because I can’t. Am I completely mad? Why can I not put voice to these things?
But it worse when you are on your own because then this madness can have full power over you, there are no social constraints to keep it under control, it can vocalise the arguments you are having in your head. Is it worse when you can hear what is going on? (Just as well people can’t hear you having conversations with yourself, never know what they might think) Does it make it more scary more disturbing that way? Or is it worse knowing that as soon as someone walks in the room you will act as if nothing were wrong but you will be screaming out internally, I need help, I need you to notice, am I that good at lying, have I got that experienced at it that everyone thinks everything is fine?
And then it makes me sick to the stomach to realise that this is not a new phenomenon but that it has been getting steadily worse over the years but you just don’t remember about it when it is not happening. It is as if you block out the memory because you just don’t wont to deal with it. But here now I remember and I wish I didn’t, I want to run away but you can’t run away from your mind can you?
Surely this can not be normal or right? Surely there should be someway to make it stop. I don’t want to live this way. But I know it won’t last long. In a few days I ought to be all right. Well at least better, wont I?
world domination
