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Caveat: I have a very black sense of humour today
I sometimes feel that even within the Self harm community I am an outcast. It is really bizarre and I know that it is not on purpose but I do feel a little left out as I was never abused as a kid, never raped, never physically hurt so I can't come to terms with it, I guess I feel that I can not take part in the discourse as I am somehow not part of it. I am just your average privileged white, middle-class, university educated homosexual. What the fuck have I got to bitch about? So I am slightly neurotic and insecure, there are others out there with much worse problems than mine.
Fuck that!!!! My problems are the only ones I have and no one will demean me by suggesting that I don't have the right to be fucked up. And it has been done, so I am not being paranoid about it. However, a wise dyke once said 'Your problems are as big as they seem to you, other people's opinions don't matter as they don't live your life.' Well maybe they weren't her exact words, but then I can't even rememeber which dyke said it to me. But I figure it must have been a dyke as I didn't know that many Hets at that point in my life. And the moral of this story is don't listen to fucked up married women who are trying to get into your pants, or alternatively anyone who says that you are not important, as I accept that that might be a rather individual experience.
I have issues, I have problems, I have family that don't know I am as fucked up as this, but I am slowly telling them, mainly cos they might find my website. But even this humour demeans my problems. I still don't believe they are as serious as all that. I am not sure whether it would be better to come to terms and accept myself as a completely fucked up individual or rationalise it as not that much of a deal after all. Can never work out which way will work so I get struck half way between them in the never-never land of knowing I am fucked up but figuring that it is not that much of a big deal so I should just get over it and stop being such an attention seeker by slicing my arm up.
I always think that half my problem might be that I think too much. But then I always see both sides of the arguement, which can send you spiraling into dementia if you are not too careful. Never can work out whether it is voyeuristic or not to tell people I self harm. But I so want people to notice and care! Am I so selfish and egotistical that the only way I think I can get people is to have them pity me. But I don't want them to pity me. I want them to care enough to notice without me having to shove it in their faces.
But that isn't human nature. Human nature is to be polite and not say anything. They think that just because I am trying to hide it, subtle-like, that I don't want them to see it. So am I cutting myself to get attention, how very ego centric, or am I cutting myself to cope?
My god what if I am doing it for people to notice, that is just so sick. People will hate me if they ever find out, that is like manipulation. But I don't think I am doing it for that reason, am I? I so don't want that to be the reason, am I just deluding myself? I want to cut my face because I hate myself and how I look, don't I? I am not doing it so that people can't help but see. So I can watch their gaze slide off my face into embarrassed middle distance? God, no! please, make that not the reason. I would do it because I hate being me and my face embodies me, wouldn't I? My face is what people see, it is what people make judgements about me on. I hate being 'Cute' I hate life being so superficial. If I maim myself then people will stop fancying me and then I would no longer have to live up to their expectation. I wouldn't be able to fail any more. I wouldn't have to be this fucking stereotype that I am not.
I ain't no butch, cute, nice dyke. I am so insecure, I am ugly inside. I can't do the person they think that I am. I can't be who they want me to be. Surely that is why I want to stop the only thing I can affect, my face. Surely that would stop me being cute, stop them expected so much of me. But maybe I am doing it to just thrust it in their face that I am fucked up, to scare people away, can't allow anyone to get close to me as then they would expect shit from me. Got to make everyone hate me cos no one could really like me if they knew the real me. But surely I can't be that bad?
Won't people like me more if I am honest with them?
No!! I couldn't deal with them rejecting me, and how could I be sure that they wouldn't, so it is better for me to reject them first, Come on Hate me on my terms. Hate me because of this construct cos believe me you will hate me more if you were ever to see the real me. I am worthy of your hate but only if you hate me for the things that I made hateful.
But what if everyone rejects me, I so need people. I can't live on my own, I would go mad, I need a group that I can just walk into and they will say hi and ask where I have been, but accept my superficial lies and not dig too deep, the wound is too painful to cope with people pretending they care. But what if? What if they actually do care? Don't be so fucking foolish, you are shit, remember that and no one can hurt you, but they do hurt me and I hurt myself. I just don't know what is real any more and I trust no one. Surely that is not healthy? Arrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
Why can't life be simple? An A or B situ? Why are there always depths that I don't want to delve into?
Why could it not be simple?
Just so simple?
Simple?
world domination
