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Welcome to the Dykes journal fron 24 Nov 99
24th November
Well the dyke is pleased with herself as she has spent lots of time and energy in redesigning this little old site, and wow did it need it. The dyke is getting quite impressed with her little web design industry, what with Beavers with Cleavers and a couple of other projects which aren't live yet this little old dyke figures she can finally call herself a geek.
Anyway, enough about the boring bit of her life, what about girlies...
One day the dyke will sort this area of her life so it is stress free but probably not for a while. Predictably the Dyke has fallen for someone new, actually not that new as she has known her for ages but she figured the time was right to fancy her again. Nothing like complicating your friendships now is there? But what can she say, she is gorgeous and a great snog, bit of a mind fuck situation but the dyke figures she will survive.
Oh yeah the Dyke also got off with someone else last weekend, she was very pissed and maybe a tad embarrassing if she tries too hard to remember what exactly she did besides that. Best not try to remember too hard, she figures, sometimes it is better not to remember what exactly she did. She is sure someone will show her the photos at some point. At least she is pretty convinced she had nothing to do with the toilet being set on fire, it was probably an accident and didn't cause any damage really, nor did she break one of the beds either. So she is quite pleased that the serious accidents had nothing to do with her. She now just has to hope that the people forgive her... *grin*
13th December
Life has been a little bizarre recently for this little old dyke.
But apart from that she is completely the same as always. So pretty boring really. Though she did spend an interesting evening in pub with an Irish dyke, a TV, a straight and a Bi. Pretty normal really.
So the dyke is now considering christmas and the joy that it brings... what will her family think she will like this year? and what on earth is she meant to buy for her grandparents. Oh how mundane the thoughts of the dyke are at this time of year...
24th decemeber
It was the night before christmas and all was calm....
Well sort of. Really it is the day before and this little old dyke is at work, what joy.. but she is a bit pleased with herself as she now has New Year plans. She is going to Edinburgh with four love dykes and a het. Should be fun, as long as it isn't a rerun of two years ago. That was fun but not necessarily something she wishes to repeat.
Also she would like to mention that she is really sorry she hasn't got back to those people who have e-mailed and she promises she will but it has been a really weird month. What with being injured (cutting down her computer time), being ill (well everyone else had it so the dyke thought she would join in), having to do christmas shopping (always a joy) and general being drunk (well it is the season to be jolly). So please accept her apology and hopefully you will get replies in the New Year (as long as the world doesn't end).
The dyke considered revealing herself to her public but then thought better of it. She just couldn't deal with being a dykcon. Also she feels if you want to know enough you will find out. There are pictures of her out there, you just have to know where to look...
Merry Xmas
27th December
oops the dyke appears to have written this in the first person, thought before yo think she is real she is stil a figment of a very disturbed imagination
I was going to settle down to read but I couldn't focus on the arguements being proposed in 'Female masculinity' by Judith Halberstam, which is actually a very good book, very thought provocating. I think I will need to finish it before I can give my opinion on it and it's findings but it gives me a comfortable place to exist. By which I mean, not that I am a potential FTM, or even that I believe that I am overtly masculine (only people who don't know me describe me that way), but it gives me comfort in not making me have to explain, not have to constrain myself with categories. I guess it opens doors that I didn't know how to open on my own.
However this all creates a very surreal enviroment if you consider that I bought the book when christmas shopping and it was the book I took home to read when at the parents. Expect I never let anyone see it. Which is partly weird and partly not. My parents know I am gay but still I feel a need to hide from them certain parts of me. It is sort of, the know I am gay but it is not discussed I am still treated 'normally' but certain topics of conversations do not occur. It's a strain even though I hope that it is not consciously done by them, it is still difficult.
But then going home is always a strain. Especially when the siblings are there as well. We don't go for big christmases's, partly due to the fact that one set of grandparents doesn't like the other (it's a class thing) and partly due to the distances involved. Anyway so christmas is just the five of us. Luckily brother lives within spitting distance of the parents so he just comes to visit on the day whereas my sister and I both get to stay a few days. Great eh? Well it would be if my sister and I actually got on. Though it is not as if we don't get on it is more my sister takes exception to everything I say and perceives it as a slurr on her. Anyone else and I would just turn away and walk out the door, but it is family...
I always wonder why we don't get on. I worked out a theory this time, though who knows if it is true or not but it works a bit like this. My sister is the eldest of the three of us. But she considers herself to be the failure of the three of us. She only got a third, she took a fwe too many years to get it. She is the most dsylexic of all of us. She probably gets paid the least of us. She is appauling at managing her money. She is slightly shorter than me and has smaller breasts - this my not seems a big deal to many people but she brings it up with amazing frequency. However, she is the only one of us in a relationship and he seems like a nice boy. She enjoys her job, which is more than I do. She has a very good circle of friends, which I envy. People like her and there are many more things as well.
However, it doesn't stop her feeling like third best in the family or at least looking at me and seeing what she could have got (though god knows why she would want to do that) I aint nothing special and believe me she does not want my job or my mental instabilty. Anyway she sees me and thinks what if.. So whenever I say something she has to try and prove herself better than me, which I really can't be bothered with that and it reminds me too much of a time a few years back just after I graduated when I went to the pub with some people I worked with (cafe Uno, quality establishment)
Anyway we met up with one of the girlies mates from home and so we did the rounds of who are you and what are you studying (it was mostly students I was working with) There was this one guy he went to some random place I had never heard of, no big deal. I really only know about establishments which offered classics (not that many of those) anyway as soon as he found out I had gone to cambridge he decided to prove himself better than me by belittling me with every comment and reacting everytime I said anything - now before you start think that this was all in my head, well I thought that for a while, until I got really pissed off with him and decked him (ok I was a bit drunk, I find it necessary to deal with hets and weird boys with problems with me). He then preceeded to not understand why I was so pissed off with him though he acknowledged that he was trying to put me down and he considered that he had to prove himself better than me. Anyway I get this same vibe from my sister, unfortunately I can't deck her as she would not understand it either especially as she 'loves me' and can't understand why I am such a cow to her. Anyway always makes family occasionas special to me
And then there is mother. Mother is very insecure, she has also managed to (and I always hope it is unintentional) to ruin all of my good academeic moments. And this year was no different. I am studying an OU degree at the moment as I was bored this time last year and thought it would be fun, also I know where I want to be and I don't have the qualifications to get there at the moment. So I studied two modules MST121 and MS221. Both Maths course. Now I knew this was going to cause slight friction as my mother is about four years into her Maths OU degree and I never wanted to undermine her achievement. She was made to stop her A levels by her parents as they never thought she would go far (nice people eh?) So maths was never going to be easy for her as it was so long ago that she studied her O levels and she never did the A levels. Whereas I did Maths, FurtherMaths and Physics (as well as the latin and ancient history, sounds worse than it is) A levels and I studied them only five years ago. So these course were never going to be particularly difficult for me. They were mainly revision course to get back up to speed. So my mother has been getting Grade threes and a couple of 2's over the years. Which is great, I don't think I would do any better after that long a break.
Anyway I got my results last week. So I thought, ring my mother up as she must have her results from her course as well and see how she did. So I did and we talked about her exams and grades (you have to also remember that my grandfather died in the week before our exams) and she was happy with what she had got, but she didn't ask once about my exams or whether I had got my results through. And then I went home the only reason she found out about my results was because my father asked. It does hurt still, even after what happened about my results from my degree. All she needed to say was congratulations or even ask what I had done, but she didn't.
Well at least it was an improvement on last time when I phoned up to tell her my degree result from Cambridge. That time she just yelled at me for being inconsiderate and not phoning earlier in the week (how could I? I didn't even know if I was going to pass at that point) as didn't I know how much she had to organise to get the family together to come down for my graduation and how could I be so thoughtless. I am surprise she even let me get a word in edgewise so I could tell her that I had passed. But I hadn't just passed I had got a 2:1 I had been really proud of that especially considering that the last two years I had got thirds to fails in most of my exams. I had proved all the fuckers wrong who had written me off, but what did it matter not even my parents gave a shit. And they still don't and it still hurts. One day I would like to do something right but I guess I won't. Maybe next year I shall get it right....
13th January
Well after an interesting Xmas this little old dyke had a storming New Year and wishes a great year to all those lovely dykes she met in Edinburgh a special hello to Emma from peterborough and her pet gay boy, you are a nutter but you definitely made an impression (smirk)
However contrary to everyone's expectations (especially some of the dykes she met) this little dyke stayed a good girl over the entire period, oh yes she flirted but that was all she was going to do, oh and dance and snog a few people.
She figures it was poetic justice that she got the flu after all her fun but it was worth it and it gave her a few days off work.
Anyway life is picking up at the moment and what with clubbing on saturday and then a birthday piss up of one of her lovely friends what more could a little old dyke want?
17th January
Well it was another good weekend for the dyke, how can she possibly cope with all this excitement? Well she will try somehow. Even though her friend accused her of trying to convert a straight girlie, this dyke pleads innocent and the girl kept coming to talk to her and this dyke in no way encouraged it (honest *grin*) though she was quite cute. Anyway the dyke had to catch the last tube home so nothing happened. So that was friday.
Saturday was meeting up with old college friends and the crowd from new year. Apart from being over an hour late meeting up, inexcusable the dyke realises but it wasn't completely her fault, there was a slight misunderstanding... Anyway once everyone met up beers were drunk and then some serious dancing done. Now this dyke has just got to recommend Wig Out as a great night out, though she fully admits that the company helped as well. Well what can you do when you have a gorgeous girl to dance with and the sweetest gay boy to play with? Well this little old dyke will leave it to your imagination as she would hate to disappoint you all.
Now Sunday was a bit odd. She meet up with some of the people from Friday night, though unfortunately not the cute 'straight' girl, and then she went to Sing-a-long sound of music. Okay the dyke realises that this might not be considered as the most happening night out but she has to admit that she really enjoyed herself and you wouldn't believe how many gay innuendos you can find in the Sound of Music when you are in a theatre full of the campest of the camp, and of course some kids as well but I am sure they didn't understand the innuendos (smirk).
Anyway the up shot of all this is the Dyke is completely knackered from lack of sleep and too much alcohol and fun. But she thinks it was worth it...
24th January
Anyone know of any good excuses for failing to go into work? This Dyke had such a mellow and cool weekend that when it came to getting up on Monday morning the Dyke just lacked motivation, so just didn't bother. Bit pathetic really but does she give a damn? Not bloody likely. She thinks she might even be able to get away with it tho as her boss was off ill. Cool eh?
Anyway big thanks go to Sal for a lovely weekend it was much appreciated and this little old dyke will definitely come back and visit. You see this dyke misses that green stuff called vegetation and that blue stuff called sky and definitely them things called stars. London is all well and good but it sucks on the visual side, and takes too long to get anywhere (not that this dyke is bitter about having a) to take the tube in this morning and b) the tube being stuck in a station for over half an hour due to the train in front breaking down.) Wouldn't it be just wonderful to be able to walk into walk and not have to pay through the nose for the privledge of living in the area? Actually it would be even better not to have to work at all really, yeah this dyke could definitely deal with the easy life...
A very different weekend but as much fun as previous ones
6th February
Tired, that is what the dyke is today, so very tired. It has been a hectic week and now she wants to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Unfortunately her work seems to want her to be there and doing something constructive, but it is just soooo difficult. This little old dyke is seriously considering going part time so she can fit her social life in *grin*
So why you might wonder is she so tired? Well she had an important meeting on tuesday so had to do lots of work for it, which of course she did at 1am, makes perfect sense really and then Sal took her to the pub on sunday, just a gentle stroll. Took about 1hr and half to get there, four pints later and another 2hrs to get back again. This little old dyke is way too city to be able to cope with that without some serious practise. Well it will either make her stronger or kill her.
9th March
Hung over, tired, and feeling very very very unwell. The dyke figures that it probably means she has had a good night *grin*
However it has been very bizarre as she keeps bumping into people she knew at university. All very random but good. She has missed some of the old slappers she used to hangout with. And it is good to know that no one has grown up, just slept with more people (smirk). But the dyke likes to think that she has changed a little. Well she went home alone so she figures that is a real improvement on her normal antics, but then she does have a girlie, so it would have been impolite not to have done.
This dyke is only a little mushy about the girlie. Well she isn't sure if she is allowed to be too mushy as said girlie isn't technically going out with the dyke. But they see each other every weekend, phone during the week and stuff so what the hell, Even tho technically girlie wont go out with dyke, dyke will just work on the assumption that that is the code of behaviour she should be following. Better safe than sorry, she figures as girlie is well and truely gorgeous.
Well apart from girlie this little old dyke is still injured so can't train, which means she has more time to drink and socialise, so she has been, she also got her tongue pierced (cos she thought it would be fun, and it really hasn't hurt that much at all), oh yeah and she is changing jobs, she is going to become a proper geek, cool eh?
Well that's about it for today's instalement but stay tuned for the next ripping instalement...
18th May
My the dyke has been slack recently hasn't she? can you find it in your heart to forgive her? Well fuck you then *grin*
So what has this little old dyke been doing to fill her time so that she can not fit her favourite friend (the internet) in? Well mainly sex it has to be said. However, there has been some drinking, some dancing and some pool playing. And talking about pool playing, she met a lovely lady at the Vespa lounge a few weeks ago. Oh if only she were more single *smirk* the fun that could be had. Unfortunately in normal dyke style she has managed to forget the ladies name, she is so slack it is scarey.
On another vein entirely, well the connection is in adorable women at least. This little dyke went to see her mate Legs sing in her band. And she is really rather good, even if she is a six foot goddess (which of course helps) so if you are ever bored and see a band called 'The Slap' advertised why not pop along. You never know you might see the dyke and you can definitely drole over Legs.
But it is really weird as most of this dykes friends seem to be in bands, another mate is getting airplay on XFM with 'Robots in Disguise' and my favourite american DWA has promised to send me a copy of her first record, which ought to out soon. Oh how does the dyke manage it? Who cares as long as they take the dyke out for drinks when they are big and famous with lots of money *grin*
2nd June
This little dyke don't have much exciting to say at the moment. Sad when that happens isn't it? The dyke feels she will have to do something drastic about her life or adopt a new persona.
Scarey when the most exciting thing to happen over a weekend was the fact that the dyke made some shelves for her room. But they are damn cool. A great purple as well.
Bizarely she also decided to contact an ex. Which is weird but then she kept stubling across her in cyberspace so often she felt it would be impolite not to say hi at least. All very weird seeing as the last words said to aforementioned ex was that she should burn in hell - hey ho old age mellows even this little old dyke
15th June
The dyke is officially zombified but figures she will get over it in a few days. What can she says. She is not as young as she was once and working till 3am does take its toll. But talking of age this little dyke turns 25 next week (scarey or what?) so she has decided to have a gathering of friends on the 24th. So if you are out there and know the Dyke drop her a line as she is having serious difficulty trying to find some peoples e-mails addresses. Organization was never her strong point. However she is rather impressed as she has already got back some definites from people she hasn't seen in ages. Well she has been busy and is generally crap at keeping in contact with people. So it ought to be fun. The only downside that the Dyke can forsee is that she now has to tidy the house. How long can it really take?
Actually the dyke hopes the weather will be good and then everyone can go out into the garden. Much more civilised. She wonders if the neighbours will be able to cope with so many deviants in one place. Surburbia has never been so hit *grin*
Oh yeah her shrink has finally told her she can go out into the world on her own. oh mi god. Is there life after Therapy?
Also if you are bored try out this site Hand bags at dawn and yar boo sucks SissyFight is here to stay.
4th July
Now this dyke had a great time at Mardi Gras. And not just because she meet another lovely little deviant, but that helped of course. First plus point was not having to pay for the festival. Second was the method of not playing. And before you get all disgusting on this little dyke she worked for them tickets. Actually that sounds worse *grin*
Basically, this little dyke spent friday night in west central shaking a bucket for Stonewall, and she had so much fun. Bumped into some people she knew and completely camped it up. She thinks she also managed to raise quite a bit of money without getting her arse groped too much *grin* and then she got up bright and early to be a stweard for the March. Which is where she meet the aforementioned lovely deviant. Why oh why must all the women she meet live in surrey? Oh well it's not really that far from london *grin*
Anyway so this dyke, shoke buckets, stewarded the march (which in total got her two tickets, the things she does for that Sal), drunk beer, flirted, danced, drank beer, and maybe drank some beer. All in all an interesting and enjoyable day.
10th July
How does this little old dyke do it? Well no matter how she does it she definitely manages to do it *grin*
Which roughly translates as lots of fun was had at the weekend with the afforementioned young lady that was met at pride... Well you have to enjoy yourself. The downside is that this little dyke is absolutely knackered out. She doesn't have the stamina she used to have. What with staying up till 4 in the morning watching bizarre movies and tv with the lovely lady and then getting up before midday, she really doesn't know how she copes *grin*. And then going out on sunday to see another friend and having deep and meaningful conversations re: relationships etc this little old dyke wants her bed badly and does not want to be at work (sulk) But she is only working a half day tomorrow so she can't really complain, well not too much.
Anyway that's this dykes life, confusing, fun, frivolous and lacking in sleep. Dontcha just love it? *grin*
20th July
So what's in the dyke's life at the moment that she write soo much... Well she is reaffirming her dyke identity by socialising with lots of lovely ladies. Letching just a bit (honest not much at all) She has a new gorgeous girl in her life who is well worth the travel time and also has *shock* *horror* visited the dyke. Well don't you know distances are always further to the dykes house than away from it. The dyke figures there must be a singularity just outside her door as she can never seem to get anyone out to see her. Well she just lives sooo far away (tcha some women) also this girlie is also *shock* *horror* on time and not an hour later than expected. The dyke didn't really believe that people like that actually existed these days. Of course it goes without saying that she is also gorgeous (or maybe the dyke mentioned that *grin*).
However, that's not what the dyke wants to talk about today. Cos the thing is this dyke finally went to see "Boy's don't cry" last night and thought it was a very good film. Deeply disturbing but very very good. Now she knows that it is a dramtisation of events and has not a complete grip on actually reality but then this dyke always thought reality was overrated anyway *grin*. She also don't believe that reality really exists. Cos to say reality exists suggest that there is only ever one truth whereas this dyke believes in a multilayered concept flavoured by individual perceptions. Hence everyone can be right at the same time even though they think different about events. well thats what the dyke thinks anyway.
However, as a sideline the dyke would say that maybe she shouldn't have gone to see this film on her own. Cos distrubing the dyke is a dangerous thing to do. And she was sorely tempted to revert back to her old self harm ways to deal with it. Luckily she didn't and she got a grip on herself, but it reminded her to look after herself a little more next time. Only a fool flirts with known danger.
The dyke figures selfharm is a lot like smoking. It is very easy to start up. A complete pig to give up. It is potentially very bad for you and you never lose the desire to start again. Unfortunately there are no nicorette patchs for self harm you only have your own will and the coping mechanisms that your lovely shrink helped put in place (hopefully). Hence why the dyke don't smoke. It is difficult enough giving up self harm without adding another stress activity to the list. Maybe she should start telling people that is the reason rather than the fudge she normally gives out about lack of peer pressure when she was younger. *grin*
Anyway dyke's gotta get back to work. Which for once in her life is actually quite a lot of fun *grin*
7th August
Well the dyke is still depressing her friends with her continued lust over "the gorgeous girlie", well what else are friends for? But the dyke is a little depressed as "the gorgeous girlie" has gone away for a week *gasp - a whole week!* how will the dyke last? One friend suggested masturbation but it just isn't the same. So to distract herself the dyke is sleeping ( on her own!! well she had to catch up at some point) and socialising more with lovely women everywhere, but they just aren't the same *grin* But she has met up with some new girlies which is always nice and there was this really cool woman from the boat club who the dyke is hoping to convince to come out for a drink. (with absolutely no ulterior motives) the dyke doesn't have to sleep with everyone she knows, it just seems to happen that way. *grin*
Anyway so the Dyke's new bird is totally gorgeous, just in case you didn't realise..
16th August
Well the Dyke just about managed to survive the week without "the gorgeous girlie" and she did manage to convince the nice dyke from the boat club to come out for a drink but failed in her mission not to sleep with everyone she knows *tcha* This dyke is such a wanker at times. However, "the gorgeous girlie" seems to be ok with the dyke slight slippage of devotion. Well the dyke figures she still like "the gorgeous girlie" as much as she always did. Sleeping with someone else doesn't necessarily change that...
However the Dyke is scared as she is slipping back into old ways and she doesn't want to go back to the way things used to be. She can't go back to self harm, she just can't... So this dyke figures she will have to get a grip on reality soon but it is difficult as people are hassling her from all sides and she doesn't know how to escape... Sometimes she wonders how and why she does it at all....
But on a good note she finally got a pay rise *wee* and a bonus *big weee* so she can pay off her overdraft again and maybe splash out on something gratuitous... but what..
Anyway the Dyke is going to keep it short as she has to get some work done before she meets the gorgeous girlie tonight *grin*
14th September 2000
Well the Dyke's life is going quite well. Apart from one errant stalker who stressed out the Dyke, life has been generally good. The Dyke realises that she is gorgeous but that is no reason for people to become obsessed, especially seasoned dykes who should know better, baby dykes have an excuse as they just don't realise the ettiquette. Tcha some people will never learn. However, this Dyke is quite amused by the whole concept of stalkers as the Dyke's bird, "the gorgeous girlie" has got her first stalker. How she never had one before this Dyke doesn't quite know. Anyway it is a source of endless amusement as the Dyke doesn't feel quite as alone with her stalker issues.
You see stalkers can be quite sweet if they do it in the right way, infuriating, but ultimately sweet. The dyke is good mates with one of her stalkers and takes her to parties and everything, well she has calmed down a bit since her baby dyke phase. And you never know if she introduces her to enough deviants she might realise that the dyke isn't as wonderful and perfect as she thinks, though how the Dyke is going to lie to that extent is still to be seen *grin*
Anyway apart from stalkers this little old Dyke has decided to spend her bonus on a Holiday for herself and "the gorgeous girlie". Oh my god I think the Dyke might just be becoming domesticated. Well what can she lose two months into "the relationship", yes kidos it is official - the Dyke is in a relationship!!!. So two months in she is still having great sex and breakfast in bed (which they take turn cooking *arhhh* how sweet *grin*)
Can this turn of events really last or is the Dyke going to wake up one day and realise that she has been in a dream world. Who knows, but tune in for the next thrilling episode.
16th January 2001
Reality came knocking on the door and the dyke got dumped. The dyke's motorbike broke down and it looks like the dyke's company is going to be bought out and she is going to be made redundant. Doesn't life suck at times?
Oh yeah and the shower at her house and decided to give up on water pressure. So everything is fucking wonderful - not.
The dyke is not happy, the dyke is not impressed. The dyke is love sick, pissed off, tired and generally fucked off with everything in the world. She figures it's a good basis to work from. The only way is hopefully up
The dyke decided her life was so interesting that she decided that she would have to split her journal up as it was getting way too big for easy access. So if you want to discover the dyke's past and present then just click on the bits you want...
Dyke far past (the year before November 1999)
Dyke less past (November 1999 to June 2001)
Dyke present (everything after June 2001)
world domination
