2008/April    draft	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.
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CRIMINAL NEWS Fleshing out the legend The saga of the most celebrated, and baffling, robbery in American history has taken a new twist. In 1972, a man known only by his alias 'D.B. Cooper' hijacked a flight from Portland in Oregon to Seattle in Washington state. He said he had a bomb and he wanted a modest $200,000 and 2 parachutes.    The plane landed in Seattle, the passengers were released when the ransom was paid and the plane took off again, destination Mexico. But the hijacker baled out at the Oregon border and vanished.    36 years on, kids playing at Amboy, Washington, have found a buried parachute, which the FBI is planning to dig up. They are hoping to find either a body or evidence that 'Mr. Cooper' buried the parachute after a safe landing.    The bad news, however, is that he's probably spent the money by now. If you suddenly find yourself with less cash this month, it's because scotch gordon abolished the 10p income tax starting rate before he was sacked from the chancellor's job. Another reason is that his stooge, 'him with the eyebrows' has put up the price of booze unreasonably and upset the lower orders of the labour party. Amazing what you can get away with in the name of religion! The sheriff of Airdrie's court has let a Moslem bloke off a driving ban for speeding so that he can drive back and forwards between the homes of his multiple wives and service them according to the demands of his religion.

UNSPORT NEWS New Olympic sport born in London "Torch Surfing" turned out to be an ass-kicking contest between people protesting about Chinese repression and murders in Tibet versus a combined force of Chinese goons and London coppers, which had to force a path through the ranks of protesters and prevent them from blowing the torch out.    Around 2,000 coppers were allowed to rack up Sunday overtime, bringing the total bill for the Parade of Shame to around £1,000,000. And the Chinese won't be picking up the bill for their spot of political posturing; our labour government is quite happy to let the British taxpayer take care of it. The Chinese rent-a-mob had a similarly energetic day in Paris, where the police were on rollerskates instead of the bikes favoured by London Bobbies. The protesters had the torch extinguished 3 times on 'elf 'n' safety grounds and got the whole dismal procession called off in the early stages. Next stop, San Francisco.

DEPARTURES Bertie Ahern from the job of Irish Teashop He's spending so much time fighting off anti-corruption investigators, who are looking into allegations of taking bribes and dodging taxes, that he has decided to throw in the towel next month. Why wait? Because Bertie wants to get in a junket to the United States before he goes. As the best-paid PM in the democratic world, collecting the equivalent of an eye-watering 220 grand per year, he no doubt wants a shopping spree while he can to take advantage of the weak dollar.    He became famous as the only PM in the democratic world to be cashing his pay cheque at his local pub and he relied on the old ploy of not keeping proper records to put off investigation of how much cash went though his hands and where it came from (and went to). But that won't wash any more and he's jumping before he's pushed. smug bugger blair, who record on political corruption speaks for itself, thinks that Bertie is a good bloke. 'Nuff said! DEPARTURES Charlton Heston The actor who was first choice for the lead in Biblical and historical epics in the 20th century has died at 84. A big man with a big voice, he played Moses, John the Baptist, El Cid, General Gordon, King Henry VIII, Buffalo Bill and Michaelangelo, and he won an Oscar for his lead role in Ben Hur. He began a run of science-fiction films with Planet of the Apes, The Omega Man and Soylent Green, then he switched to big-time disaster films like Airport and Earthquake in the mid-1970s. His next moves were to TV soaps in the 1980s and finally to the theatre.    When not acting; he was a member of the 100+ Films Club; he was a gun collector and a past president of the National Rifle Association, and he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, America's highest civilian award, in 2003.

DOSH NEWS Nice work if you can get it Adam Applecart, the bloke whose business strategy sank the Northern Rock bank, is to collect £760,000 payoff from the taxpayer as part of labour's policy of rewarding failure with lots of public money.    He also has over £2 million in his pension pot to cushion the blow of having made himself unemployable by any reputable company. Our grinning prime monster has come up with a big broon stragegy for winning the next election – he's planning to borrow lots more money and blow it in the hope that he can buy himself a victory. So it looks like we've gone from smug bugger to smug mugger! Books or chairs? Fat kids are causing another financial crisis in the education industry. They need bigger chairs than those which supported past generations. They also need reinforced designer chairs so that they don't end up with a bad back when they slump. No surprise, but the government is being difficult about paying for this necessary 'furniture upgrade'. "So that's why he's blocking investigation of MPs' expenses!" gorbals mick, the Commons speaker, is now under investigation over the thousands of pounds of taxpayers' cash which his wife spent on taxis for her shopping trips. "Only little people pay tax!" Lord Sainsbury, the bloke who pays for the labour party, has dodged £27 million of capital gains tax just before the new tax year starts. Lloyds of London in trouble because the Gods aren't angry! A lack of huge natural disasters around the world has led to the insurance giant's customers demanding lower premiums when their policies come up for renewal. Which means that the conglomorate's profit margins are shrinking. Shame! The grabbers' alibi? scotch gordon's abolition of the 10p tax band hits everyone earning less than £18,000 per year. MPs have just put in for a pay rise of £23,000 per year to save them the trouble of faking receipts for their second home expenses. Is this to make absolutely sure they're protected from the tax rise?

HEALTH NEWS Shoot the messenger, please! The government is always wondering why people don't save cash for a rainy day any more. Well, having seen scotch gordon ruin the private savings industry, piss the nation's reserves up the wall and dig a monstrous Brown Hole of debt in the nation's finances, the reason might seen obvious.    But newspapers yelling that eating one sausage a day, or 3 rashers of bacon, dooms you to certain death by cancer might have a lot to do with it. And all the propaganda about the odd drink just makes matters worse. A question for all the religious people out there: "Why did your God/Allah/Whatever invent cancer?" Drinking 8 glasses of water a day will give you perfect health! No, it won't. Another bit of bollux from the health gurus has been torpedoed by a study at Pennsylvania University in Philly. There's a total lack of evidence that drinking lots of water will make any difference to the health, or skin quality, of the average person.

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HOME NEWS Terminally Useless Ever wondered why the Home Office, the Ministry of Defence and other government departments are so useless? The truth has just come out – instead of doing their jobs, the staff spend most of their time doing pointless edits of entries in Wikipedia and their bosses, apparently, are powerless to stop them. House of Frankenstein conspiracy theory demolished Murder is off the table, the coroner told the jury at the Princess Di inquest. After having to listen to loads of lies for six months, Lord Justice Scott Baker got to tear most of the 'evidence' to shreds. So there's not much left for the jury to do other than return a verdict of accident or misadventure; and wonder who will play them in the movie when the Crown Film Unit tries to recoup some of the £7 billion wasted on the whole shambles. The foreman of the jury announced, after a 10-minute retirement, that everyone lost the will to live before lunchtime on the first day of the fiasco and no one gives a rat's ass any more. So there will be no verdict. If you're evicted from your home, don't worry; it's only the nationalized Northern Rock bank shrinking its mortgage base.

POLITICAL COMMENT One law for your colour, another for ours "As President Mug clings on to power by his fingertips in Zimbabwe, he does so only courtesy of the racialist regime in South Africa, which was quite happy to impose economic sanctions and mount an oil blockade against a white government in Rhodesia but wasn't so keen to do the same when a corrupt black regime was involved." If President Mug does actually go, Britain's racialist lefties will have to look for another champion. Q here for the auditions! The government says: "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" as an argument for imposing ID cards. So why doesn't this argument apply to publishing MPs' expenses? "Does it count as a boycott of the Olympics if you announce you're not going to watch the Games on TV even though you had no intention of watching in the first place and you've never watch them in the past?"

SPACE NEWS ATV @ ISS Jules Verne, Europe's first Automated Transfer Vehicle, made a successful automatic docking with the International Space Station on the first Thursday of the month.    Even though the spacecraft is supposed to provide a fully automated delivery service, a crew was standing by in the ESA control room to switch it off and complete the maneuvre manually, if necessary. Which kind of defeats the whole object of the exercise. After all, why go to the expense of building, testing and installing an automatic docking process if you have to have a bunch of human beings looking on and ready to take over when the beast gets to the ISS?    Typical European Union thinking; spend the money because the taxpayers have plenty more.

WAR NEWS Just spin & derision The 2,500 troops, who were supposed to be coming home from Iraq this spring, have to stay put. scotch gordon announced the withdrawal only as an election gimmick. And as he bottled out of an October 2007 general election, the troops have to stay put. Posturing Pratt, Paper Tiger Children's Sec. eddie "is it brown or is it balls?" is trying to make himself look good to the class warriors in the labour party by picking a fight with faith schools. Apparently, he thinks his bogus jihad will go down well with rock-solid, lower-class grabbers and they can outweigh indignation from the Jewish, R.C. and C.o.E lobbies.    This is widely seen as a distraction from the contradiction of the labour party urging kids to go out and play to get their weight down while their government is secretly selling off school playing grounds. Outgoing London mayor k. livingstone has denied allegations that he has been trying to have as many kids with as many women as possible to build up his vote in the mayoral election. Good Point! Bar staff can now sue the landlord of a pub or management of a club if customers call them 'love'. Which leaves landlords/managers wondering if they will be in the firing line if someone asks a midget barperson for a 'short' or a fattie for a glass of 'stout'.

	Heathrow's Terminal 5 – or more specifically, the morons running it. harriet harperson, who felt she had to wear a flak jacket when she took to the streets of Peckham, her own constituency, with a police escort. The Chinese communist party's story that the Dalai Llama is planning to unleash monkish suicide bombers on the Peking Olympics. Building a mile-high skyscraper in the Saudi desert near Jeddah. "A total waste of time, money and effort, but it might provide some entertaining pictures for the TV news if it falls over." Fayed the 'House of Frankenstein' fantasist.

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