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Welcome... Most of us experience loneliness at some point in our lives. It can creep up on you gradually over time, or it may be a familiar feeling that seems to have hung over you for most of your life. Loneliness is serious. It knores at our sense of reality, and it can draw us towards depression and a sense of hopelessness. It makes you feel empty and sad. Bereavement can bring emotions that are very similar to feeling lonely. The sense of loss that someone known to us has gone permanently, is hard to come to terms with. We are here to encourage and support you if you are experiencing any of these feelings. Please read the article below, and use any of the rest of the site as you need it. If you would like to write an article on either of these subjects for us, theological or just down to earth but Christian, then please do (please click on the link above). You can also send us your personal story, which may help to break the sense of isolation you feel in your own difficult situation. God sees you and knows you. We hope that it gives you hope that there are people who care about your suffering. Please have a look at what others have sent to us by clicking on the links at the top, or read about how you can send your own pieces in. Also, if you want to send us a prayer request, then again, click the link at the top of the page. Mini-Article: Something Inside had Died Loneliness Maybe it is a specific bad thing which has happened to you. You could be young or old. Perhaps you have just gone through a divorce, and are now faced with the starkness of your own company. The Western world, and probably much of the rest of the world too, is a very individualistic and fragmented place. In the West, family breakdown is the norm. But, we are not meant to be alone. In Genesis 2:18, we read God’s own statement that “It is not good for (the) man to be alone”. This hangs so true. God himself is not enough, as Adam had permanent access to God’s presence in a perfect world. We need to interact with people to stay sane, and more than that to enjoy life properly. We need friends. Practical steps Loneliness itself is a painful and deadening feeling. It is painful and daunting. From a lack of friendship, a need has been denied, and you feel a deep emptiness. One thing which may help to combat loneliness is to deal with inactivity and boredom. If you can find positive things to do, such as a hobby or doing voluntary work to help others, this can help. However, this is obviously not enough. Unless your activities involve other people, then you are still on your own. Even if you are spending time with other people, unless this includes some genuine friends who you can relate to in a meaningful way, again you are missing out on the human stimulation that you need. Assuming that you are a Christian, you might consider changing Church, or even moving area to go to a better and more friendly church. It may be worth investing some time in researching different churches and finding one which will bring you some genuine friends - just test the water by seeing who will be friendly to you. Another idea is to find, or set up (?!) a Christian community. Living in this way can be very beneficial, particularly for a time, as it can enable your confidence and peace to be restored. Hopefully you can develop some new, healthy friendships. I must say that you should be very cautious before joining any Christian community or group. Discover a full picture of what the group’s values are, and how they operate. Some groups I have heard of require members to give all of their money and possessions up, and to declare some sort of allegiance to that group. This is totally wrong (unchristian), and bordering on evil in my strong opinion, so beware. I apologise that the links regarding Christian communities are very limited below, and are only relevant to the UK. You will probably have to do some research yourself. It could also be very beneficial for you to go on a full time or part-time Christian course, to gain fellowship and restoration through this (as well as learning!). Please click here for the Links page, and search for Christian courses using the Christian “Link” or “Super” sites. Dealing with Rejection When you have experienced rejection from others, it can be hard to trust again. Because we are all human, people (even friends) let us down. This can be very hard to accept, because if you are being a good friend to someone, you don’t expect them to let you down, use you, or “drop” you when you are not needed. Even as you develop good friendships which are going well, it is wise to keep these friendships in perspective, and to guard your heart from hurt, so if (or when) you are let down in some way, you are still secure. You will still be hurt, but if you depend on God, you can face this and out it in some perspective. Our expectations should be realistic and limited. The sense of rejection or worthlessness that you feel could be very significant. It may act to stifle your confidence. This would make communication hard. People may think that you are shy or “a loner”. They also may pick up on your negative feelings, and be threatened by what they sense, reacting against what they perceive as weakness. This is very sad, particularly when we find it in the church, which is where we expect sympathy and warmth. But still, try to find friendship where ever you can. When I was lonely, I had a dream about what it would feel like to be free of those feelings, and to have and enjoy some good friendships. As my situation improved, the pressure I put on having friends naturally lifted, and the freedom has been wonderful. I think age can also help, as perhaps you feel more secure as you get older. However, this may be just me. Through experiencing loneliness and then really appreciating the value of friends, you should be sensitised to notice others around you who are experiencing this need for friendship. Meanwhile, if you are experiencing loneliness at the moment, turn to God and to prayer and to his word. The Bible can be so encouraging, as it reminds us of God’s love for us, and that he is with us and for us. Please click here for our encouragement section. Singleness is a big issue for many Christians. It is fine if you are happy being single, but if you are desperate for a companion, as many are, well, it is so hard. Please be wise if you use Internet friendship or meeting point sites, Christian or not, as you don’t know who you are communicating with. In the case of any meeting, always meet in a group for safety, perhaps at a Church meeting or a public place. A brief comment about Bereavement Loosing someone is hard to accept, but we do not have any choice about it. When someone you know dies, it stuns you. You are forced to face the reality of death, and to try to comprehend its meaning. If the person that has died was very close, you can feel like part of yourself has died. It takes time to recover from the shock and the pain, so give yourself time. Because the loss is permanent, the aspect of our lives that that person represented is permanently affected. Despite our hurt or our fear, we always have hope in Christ, no matter how we feel. We can know the comfort of God, as his Spirit comforts us and stays close to us. Welcome the Lord in to your deep feelings. Invite him to help you make sense of your emotions, and to define how you felt about the person who you have lost. He understands your situation - the complexities of your past experiences and all of your thoughts. He can help mend the gap that you probably feel inside. Please excuse us that we have not written a great deal for you if you have been bereaved. Quite often, people who have been bereaved appreciate space and reflection, and so perhaps it is appropriate that we do not have too much available here to read. However, under “Contacts and Links” below, we have listed some web sites and contacts that provide more written reflection or other help, which we hope will be useful. The Role of the Church to Comfort I always feel that leaders of churches carry so much responsibility. They have a responsibility to both teach the truth, and also to actively guide their church members in correct ways. They also have pastoral responsibility for the members of the Church. This does not mean that the leader should provide all the pastoral time and attention that every member of the Church requires. The poor leader does not have the time to do this, unless they are single and the Church is very small! However, the leader should delegate pastoral responsibilities between himself and others in the Church, so that for people in need in that Church, there are people who will do their best to help. It is so easy to overlook needs, and this can happen if structures do not exist which enable those in need to come forward for help. Home group leaders should be taught and trained to be sensitive to the needs of the members in their group. If Church members truly love God, then they can be guided and encouraged to be pastoral in their outlook. Where this is not happening in the Church, we need to pray that people are challenged by God, so that their hearts can be changed to be more loving and sacrificial. The “Open Doors” Community Project We have come up with a suggestion of how to make sure that lonely or needy people in the Church might not be overlooked. It is also a great way to evangelise to non-Christian members of your local community. We have called it “Open Doors”. The idea may be more relevant or feasible in a larger church. If your Church has its own building, then this makes the project a lot easier to implement. We thought that for every day of the week (or if not, at least on 2 or 3 days each week), the church could open its doors in the afternoon and/or evening, to those in the church, and outside it in the local community, who want to spend some time with others. Particularly we refer to those who are lonely or isolated. It might also include people who are unemployed, or just plain bored. An afternoon might be more relevant for elderly people or those who find public transport in the evening difficult or undesirable. Evenings would provide for those who work during the day. The idea is that people who are in need can talk to others, to build friendships in a group. People can also receive more direct Church help and support. Perhaps Christians could pray for their brothers and sisters, and any non-Christians who came would be treated warmly, and have the Gospel explained to them as they are open, and at their own pace. If your fellowship does not have a church building, then hopefully different families could open their homes to the project on a rota basis. Each Church would have to assess the need for their project in their particular situation and locality, and adjust the project according to need. Even if there were only one or two people who were lonely in a Church, it is important that the Church make practical provision for these people, enabling them to participate and integrate through different means. I realise that some people can be over-demanding in wanting (and needing) the company of others. Such people may take some time to recover from the frozeness of their isolation. Alternatively, some may need to face personal issues of past hurt or emotional insecurity. Whatever the case, all who are in need in our Churches should be taken seriously, and treated in their best interests. Also, there needs to be a balance as far as pastoral ministry facilities is concerned. People resources have limits. Finally, however, we must recognise that those in need in our communities, whether that is physical, emotional or spiritual need, must have a place to go. If we cannot care for those within the Church, what sort of a loving fellowship are we? And if we do not desire to see the needs of those outside the Church in our local communities, have we not failed to “love our neighbour”? (Luke 10:25-37). Those who do not know Jesus need the Gospel, and they need our genuine friendship. It means sacrifice, but we must change the way we think, and start to act - or continue to do so if we are active already. It is our calling to spend time and energy in caring for others, both inside and outside the Church. Some end Comments Please do use and contribute to the articles and testimonies sections, as you are able to. Just click on the links at the top. I have heard it said, “If you want a friend, be a friend”. There is some truth in this, but in the end, you cannot be a friend to someone unless they return friendship. You cannot have two way interaction in a vacuum. Try to find friends, and consider suggesting our “Open Doors” Project idea to your church leader. Also, perhaps try to think of some other ways that you can help both yourself and others. Contacts and Links Loneliness www.whitebuckpublishing.com/ale/index.htm Christian community contacts - search www.mychristianstart.com, under communities. Chat Rooms Please be careful in chat rooms. People can be deliberately rude or offensive, so be guarded. Do not give out personal details or your e-mail too easily. If you were ever to physically meet someone through a chat room, always go accompanied, and meet at a public event - for example a Church meeting. Also, tell others about who you are meeting, and why. www.gtm.org/cyberchurch/chat.htm, www.conline.net/interactive/chat/, also search www.tripod.com and www.talkcity.com for Christian chat rooms. Bereavement Child Death Help line (UK). Tel. - 0800 282986 (free phone). The Compassionate Friends. Tel. - 0117 953 9639 (Bristol, UK), Tel. - 0208 332 7227 (London, UK). Web sites covering bereavement - www.beyondloss.com (Christian). www.whitebuckpublishing.com/ale/index.htm (Christian). Please also search www.christian-directory.com. www.bereavement.org.uk - secular site focused on London and UK, with helpful content |
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