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theDate= new Date();
var day = theDate.getDate();

var numquotes = 62;
quotes = new Array(numquotes+1);

quotes[1]="And the line up for the womens 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Swede and a Frenchman -David Coleman";  

quotes[2]="So that's 57 runs needed by Hampshire in 11 overs and it doesn't need a calculator to tell us that the run rate required is 5.1818 recurring -Norman DeMesquita";  

quotes[3]="Spurs, one of the in-form teams of the moment with six successive wins are almost as impressive as QPR with five -Bob Wilson";  

quotes[4]="Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family...and he's one of them of course -Brian Moore";

quotes[5]="There's no change in the top six except that Leeds United have moved into the top six -Fred Dinage";

quotes[6]="So that's 1-0, sounds like the score at Bondary Park where of course it's 2-2 -Jack Wainwright";

quotes[7]="I'm a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win -Howard Wilkinson";
 
quotes[8]="If you had to name one particular person to blame it would have to be the players -Theo Foley";

quotes[9]="I'm not going to make it a target, but it's something to aim for -Steve Coppell";

quotes[10]="And now International Soccer Special: Manchester United versus Southampton -David Coleman";

quotes[11]="Don't tell those just joining us the result of that fantastic match but let's have another look at Italys winning goal-David Coleman"; 

quotes[12]="And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season -Alan Parry";

quotes[13]="On this FA Cup Final day, there are just two teams left -David Coleman";

quotes[14]="Tombays hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now -Murray Walker";

quotes[15]="How priceless are these things? -Russell Harty";

quotes[16]="We would like to apologise for the 20 minute break in transmission. We hope it didn't spoil your enjoyment of Thirty Minute Theatre -BBC Radio announcer";

quotes[17]="...and it's exactly 9 minutes past 9 - and that doesn't happen very often -Douglas Moffat";

quotes[18]="And there's Kenney, who at times looks almost like his double -Nigel Starmer-Smith";

quotes[19]="If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know who he was -Nigel Starmer-Smith";

quotes[20]="These ball boys are marvellous.  You don't even notice them. There's a left-handed one over there. I noticed him earlier -Max Robertson";

quotes[21]="She comes from a tennis playing family. Her fathers a dentist -BBC commentator";

quotes[22]="There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes -David Coleman";

quotes[23]="Watch the time-it gives you a good indication of how fast they're running -Ron Pickering";

quotes[24]="If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again -Terry Venables";

quotes[25]="Nearly all the supporters are wearing yellow shirts. It's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour -John Motson";

quotes[26]="And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0 -Ian Dark";
quotes[27]="This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother -Ted Walsh";
quotes[28]="Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious -Alan Minter";
quotes[29]="He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces -Ron Atkinson";

quotes[30]="It’s gold or nothing ... and it’s nothing. He comes away with a silver medal -David Coleman";

quotes[31]="It was in this hall last week that an Indian weightlifter picked up three medals -Ian Payne";

quotes[32]="Gurgle-To steal a ventriloquist's dummy";

quotes[33]="Hiding-A bell you can't reach";

quotes[34]="Antelope-To run off with your mother's sister";

quotes[35]="Contraband-U.S. backed, counter-revolutionary orchestra";

quotes[36]="Indelible-Person who cannot be persuaded to eat bagels";

quotes[37]="Titillate-Delayed puberty";

quotes[38]="Artery-Shooting arrows at paintings";

quotes[39]="Propaganda-A post for one legged male geese";

quotes[40]="Psychiatric-Guessing right, three times in a row";

quotes[41]="Propane-People who are into S&M";

quotes[42]="Assassination-An arrangement to meet a donkey";

quotes[43]="Dunderhead-What a sculptor says when he's finished the top part of a bust";

quotes[44]="Trampoline-Cleansing fluid for tramps";

quotes[45]="Judicious-Hebrew crockery";

quotes[46]="Posthumous-The act of delivering Greek food by mail";

quotes[47]="Balderdash-What you do when your wig has blown off";

quotes[48]="Impermeable-Hair that is impossible to style";

quotes[49]="Egret-An apology sent by computer";

quotes[50]="Boutique-A startling kind of hardwood";

quotes[51]="Undertaker-A half-hearted shoplifter";

quotes[52]="Rectitude-The angle at which a thermometer should be inserted";

quotes[53]="Homophobe-Somebody who doesn't like The Simpsons";

quotes[54]="Miniscule-A toddlers' play group";

quotes[55]="Mastiff-Boys at a Britney Spears concert";

quotes[56]="Gripe-What Australians make wine from";

quotes[57]="Fiasco-Unsuccessful wall painting";

quotes[58]="Comatose-Foot's gone dead";

quotes[59]="Shingle-Sean Connery's definition of a bachelor";

quotes[60]="Piano-A musical shipping line";

quotes[61]="Libel-Australian price tag";

quotes[62]="Shellfish-A bit like a shelf"; 


document.write('<FONT SIZE="3"><font color="#ff66ff"><center><b>Todays Colemanball</b></center></font>');
document.write('<FONT SIZE="3" color="#0099ff"><b>' + quotes[day] + '</b></font>');
document.write('<br><font size="2" color="#0099ff">Thanks to <a href="http://www.private-eye.co.uk/" TARGET="_blank"> Private Eye</a></font>');

document.write('<FONT SIZE="3"><font color="#ff66ff"><br><hr><center><b>Todays New Definition</b></center></font><FONT SIZE="3" color="#0099ff"><b>' + quotes[day+31] + '</b></font>');

document.write('<br><font size="2" color="#0099ff">Thanks to<br><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clue" TARGET="_blank"> I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue</a></font>');

// -->