(12 times the power of your average Python, yet gentler than Mother Teresa)

ROUND 1, FIGHT 1

Niaru the African Elephant

VERSUS

Eddie the Domestic Cat

This, one of the most eagerly anticipated events of the whole games, was always going to be an extravagent affair from the off. As soon as the contestants entered the arena Eddie's stupidity was on show for all to see; Eddie's failure to grasp what was happening, his inability to speak in anything other than tongues, his taunting of Niaru with bamboo (Pandas Eddie, Pandas), and his oversized foam fingers. However, this didn't stop Eddie landing an aggressive rabbit punch in Niaru's nether region which soon got the crowd behind him. Almost defenseless, having sold his tusks to ivory dealers to support his escalating crack habit, Niaru unfurled a stashed AK47. Eddie, obviously taken aback by this development, dashed for cover whilst frantically trying to unholster his magnum and cursing those foam fingers. Niaru let out a long burst from his AK47, bringing Eddie down in a vicious hail of bullets. The crowd went silent. Was the people's champion beaten? The answer, unfortunetely yes. Niaru 1 Eddie 0.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 2

Clive the Rhesus Monkey

VERSUS

Howard the Giraffe

The mood set for this one was extremely intense as the age old enemies, Clive and Howard met in the arena of death. These two have had bad blood since childhood, apparently stemming from an affair that Howard had with Clive's high school sweethart, Sabrina. Although Clive is now happily married to Sabrina, a female ox, he still has a self confessed hatred for Howard. Howard has always been cooler than him. Howard made a powerful entry to the arena, swaggering as he passed Clive in an attempt to enrage him. It worked, but maybe a little too well Howard might have thought, as the plucky monkey hung from Howard's neck pummelling his adam's apple. Howard realised Clive was making a mockery of him. Thinking back to his days in the trenches, Howard performed a little known technique, and extremely dirty trick, called the Fenurbiche Manouver on Clive. It knocked Clive for ten, but the crowd always hate cheaters. They took to it like a toaster to a bath. Howard, now visibly weakened by the crowds response, backed of in terror as Clive, fuelled by the crowd, kicked Howard to death coupled with chants of 'Die you bastard' from the crowd. Clive was the victor. The battle was over but the war had only just begun.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 3

Geoff the Grizzly Bear

VERSUS

Neil the Comedy Bear

Neil, like most other bears, was an only child brought up in a secluded environment. One fine Sunday morning the family of grizzlies went for one of their regular ventures to the forest. They were having a lovely time until suddenly, Neil disappeared. The following day Leslie Nielsen, the American star of 'The Naked Gun' series, also disappeared. It appeared that Neil had the comedy workings of Leslie Nielsen somehow transplanted into his body for the fight. It could only make it better. Geoff had already been waiting for a while when Neil walked into the ring, leaving behind him a trail of comedy destruction. Geoff, now looking seriously pissed off, whipped out the wand of bees and wasps and began to fire them in Neils direction. Neil, not the quickest of bears, couldn't think what to do and began to panic. It looked like certain death. The bees and wasps drew closer and closer, but Geoff hadn't planned for Nielsen to butt in. Suddenly Neil unsheathed a wand of honey inducement and blasted Geoff with it, knocking him to the floor and leaving him dripping with honey. There was nothing Geoff could do but pray, as the bees and wasps turned and decsended on him. I don't think he'll bee getting up after that. I bet his favourite band is certainly not the bee gees. He's never going to bee the same again. Tonights result then, Geoff 0 Neil 1.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 4

Paul the Comedy Bee

VERSUS

Colin the Zebra

Looking at the contestants here, you may think this is an unfair fight. And you'd be right, Paul was in the SAS and Colin is scared of and allergic to bees, giving Paul a massive advantage. The bell goes and Colin, thinking he is still in the Serangeti, tries to use his camouflage to blend into the background (although I can't think of anywhere a black and white stripey fucker would blend in). Paul, trained in the arts of cunning and espionage and still clearly able to see Colin, slowly skirted around the arena pretending he could not see Colin. Colin soon moved though, as one slack jawed yokel from the crowd, pointing his finger, roared,"He's right there Paul. Get him." Paul, realising that Colin now knew that Paul knew where he was, decided it was time to go in for the kill, toasting Colin to death in a giant toasted sandwich maker trap. Paul one, Colin nil. Nil for Colin.