(12 times the power of your average Python, yet gentler than Mother Teresa)

ROUND 1, FIGHT 5

Sid the Poison Arrow Frog

VERSUS

Mike the Manatee

Mike, known to his associates as 'Lazy Mike', was never going to be an energetic, aggresive fighter. Sauntering along to the arena, Mike looked on bemused as he was cheered by his fans. Some say he lacked enthusiasm. But Mike was no spring chicken, he knew how to play his cards. Sid, although at a huge weight and size disadvantage, was odds on favourite to win this bout and he knew it. Reknowned for being the Prince Naseem of the animal fighting circuit, Sid entered the arena with a huge entourage in tow. The bell went, but was captured by a spectator before it could leave the arena and the fight got underway. Sid didn't pull any punches, immediately producing a poison gun, wired directly into his own poison glands, from his trenchcoat and soaking Mike with two litres of deadly toxins. Mike didn't flinch. The plucky poison arrow had a plan B though, feverishly performing a mystical chant. To the amazement of astonished onlookers and Mike, Paul McCartney appeared and began to perform the frog song. The summoning was supposed to include Rupert, but unfortunetely he had a brunch with Huxley's Pig. This ill thought out plan, which was supposed to work Sid up into a frenzy, soon buckled as McCartney started preaching about peace and love. He was promptly shot in the head. Mike retaliated with some feeble jokes and a whoopee cushion. Sid, highly embarassed by this point and wanting to save face after the whoopee cushion incident, had no other option but to back down from the fight, leaving Mike the victor. We'll look forward to see what this clever opponent can offer in the rest of this tournament. Once again, Mike 1, Sid 0.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 6

Derek the Anteater

VERSUS

Alexander the Ant

Derek was the firm favourite in this match which was viewed by critics as a forgone conclusion. Alexander, though staring in the face of self inflicted death, wasn't going to let this stop him. Derek had already entered the arena and was setting a fine Italian table for what he termed 'dinner', when a strange looking woman began hobbling down the aisle towards the arena. The crowd looked on, interested, as the old woman entered the arena and began chatting to Derek. It was in fact his aunt. Derek invited his aunt to stay for dinner which he insisted would be along shortly. His aunt agreed and told Derek that she would clean up a little bit whilst they waited for dinner, and began hoovering frantically with a rather conspicuous looking industrial sized hoover. Derek, becoming irritated with Alexander, or rather the lack of him, began drumming the table with his snout. 'Have a taste of your own medicine motherfucker', were the last words Derek heard, before turning round to be confronted by Alexander in guise as his aunt sucking him up with the industrial sized hoover. Yes that's right, Alexander IS Derek's aunt. He cleverly disguised himself before the fight and had Derek going all along. Fantastic. Well that's all from us, and I guess there is one lesson we can learn from all of this: Aunts are Evil. Don't forget it kids, it's an important one.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 7

Franklin the Albino Aligator

VERSUS

James the Mad Cow

Everyone knows that cows and aligators don't mix, but what if it were a blind albino aligator and a mad cow. Tonights match up will hopefully answer this burning question. James, who thinks he is a car, ran down the ailse whilst making car noises and was closely followed by Franklin, who was navigating his way down the ailse from the sound of James. The pair got into the ring and James just drove about aimlessly for a while. Franklin wandered about trying to follow the noise and looked hopelessly lost, but don't let Franklin fool you. He is in fact a real aligator painted white! James, still in a highly delerious state, was a lost cause. How this match was allowed to take place, I'll never know. Franklin decided that enough was enough and set about to kill James, but not without toying with him first. First of all clamping James was a real crowd pleaser, and finishing him off in the car crusher really fired them up. The worst thing was that James accepted his fate gladly. He really thought he was a car, and his last request to Franklin before he died was to make a nice set of cutlery out of him, for his mother. Franklin 1, James 0, and let mad people fight. It's fun.

ROUND 1, FIGHT 8

Cedric the Baby Chicken

VERSUS

Pete the Humpback Whale

The arena had to be extended for this one to allow for Pete's enourmous size. There was a problem with this fight from the start because Cedric had not hatched in time and the possibility of Pete having to crush an egg to win was very real. And now on the night of the event we can exclusively reveal that Cedric has not yet hatched and he will be fighting in his egg form. Pete was thrashing about excitedly in the ring when Jeeves began to walk the aisle carrying a silver tray with little Cedric on it. Could the crowd let this act of brutality take place. The answer, yes. Jeeves had just placed Cedric in the ring when an over excited fan began ranting on about a joke he had just created,'Humpty Dumpty...it's like a hump back whale...and the egg...like Humpty Dumpty...do you get it?' The bell rang and Pete grabbed the egg between both fins and began to squeeze. Death looked imminent for Cedric, but Pete had made one massive error. He was crushing the egg by the ends. Cedric, now fully awake inside his shell due to noise from the crowd, smashed through the side of the egg, inflicting a fatal uppercut upon Pete during the process. Pete took one last gasp and looked on in disbelief as he slumped to the ground of the arena. What a way to go. Lets just hope that Cedric can sustain this level of performance throughout the competition. Cedric 1, Pete 0.