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BLAIR," TORY MANIFESTO IS PILE OF SHITE."

Tony Blair yesterday refuted Tory claims that his international profile during the Afghanistan war left little time for domestic matters. Speaking on 'Breakfast with Frost' Mr. Blair said, "How the fuck would they know anyway? They're all just a bunch of sad old arse bandits who should just piss off. Especially Michael Portillo." When David Frost pointed out this was a controversial statement, Blair retorted," But it's true. Look at their manifesto. It's all a great big pile of stinking horse shite, and Ann Widdecombe is a fucking hound."

Becoming more and more visibly agitated, Blair leapt to his feet and began to shout," I don't have time for all this bollocks.... I mean for fuck's sake, I want to go and have a pint, not argue about some twat faced Tory cunt! I don't have to be here! Fuck off, all of you." He added," And that Kenneth Clarke's a fucking fat cunt and he fancies Maggie Thatcher." The Prime Minister was forcefully restrained at this point but calmed when a selection of Cliff Richard's greatest hits was played.

Blair...kills baby ducks for pleasure.

Asked about the ongoing attacks on Afghanistan, Mr. Blair at first refused to comment but relented to state," I don't have a fucking Scooby what's going on. I don't even know where Afghanistan is. Bet it's a shithole though. I have a phone in my office direct to Bush in America, and me and John Prescott phoned George, but he didn't know where it was either. He's a bit of a twat really, he always falls for our prank calls. We had him bomb Alaska the other day after a prank call. It was fantastic."

Afterwards, Mr. Blair's wife Cherie commented that," He's pissed as fuck. Has been for about eight months. He's under a lot of stress you know."

Conservative leader Iain Duncan Smith was scathing in his replies to Mr. Blair's insults, saying," What an absolute wanker. He'd like to think he was a smart bugger, but he'll be laughing on the other side of his face when we infiltrate Downing Street and fuck up him and his family. Nobody fucks with us." Brandishing a ten inch hunting knife, Duncan Smith continued," I'm going to cut his tongue out with this, then I'll gouge his eyes out. Bastard."

Members of the public professed delight at this spat, with the concensus being that it was about time the politicians stopped being faggots and got down to some serious violence. One man, who clearly did not know what was going on and wished to remain anonymous said," Give me some money or I'll shoot you right between the eyes! Come on, fucking hurry up!"

Tomorrow, Mr. Blair is leading his posse in an attack on Tory HQ, then meeting the Cabinet in the afternoon, "for a piss up."