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IT'S OFFICIAL. TREES ARE STUPID.

A new government study out today has revealed what we all thought for years. Trees are officially stupid. The study, compiled over the last fifteen months, tested such things as the trees reaction times, their social skills and their reaction to humour. Of the 1500 trees that took part in the study, only 16% responded when asked if they wanted a cheese sandwich although all responses were minimal, normally consisting of a rustling type noise. Another test was to see how the tree responded to a thrown ball. A staggering 89% of the trees failed even to make a rudimentary attempt at catching the ball. The remaining 11% that caught the ball were suspected of cheating as they would not return the ball. A later study revealed that the trees did not in fact catch the ball as was previously thought, only the ball merely became entangled in their branches.

Although in days gone by trees had the capacity to speak and were a rather mysterious bunch, this wealth of knowledge appears to have dwindled away over the years and is sadly lacking in the modern tree. One concerned gardener confided,"I've known for years that trees were a bit stupid because my brother James is a tree and his IQ is only 53. I always beat him at chess."

As fears grow about the future role trees will perform in society, scientists are already developing techniques to make sure the tree will not fade out. Richard Broderick, a biological scientist explained:"We have been experimenting with the idea of crossing a seed from say, a maple tree, and a human embryo taken from the ovaries to create a smarter breed of tree. Some of our prototypes are out walking the streets of London today." With the public debate about the integration of these new 'supertrees' into our environment likely to take many years, all we can do is hope that the trees can hold out until then.