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50 DEAD : AFRICAN SPERM WHALE SUSPECTED

Controversy has blighted the untarnished record at a leading private hospital in Ohio. Terrence Brookes, a sperm whale and a junior cardiovascular surgeon at the hospital has been charged with the murders of up to 50 patients. On his arrest the police had difficulty in establishing communications with the suspect, and later at the station during a routine fingerprinting a shrewd young officer pointed out that the suspect seemed to have 'large flipper like hands'. A leading medical expert was summoned and initially diagnosed Brookes with flipper-handy disease. He later rediagnosed Terrence after he realised he had made the first disease up. Brookes disclosed his real identity as a sperm whale soon after this, when he realised the game was up.

Over a period of six years at this hospital, from 1995 until 2001, Brookes is believed to have murdered up to 50 patients indiscriminently by means of a lethal cocktail of untraceable drugs, which caused the patients to look as though they had been squashed by a giant whale. A preliminary police statement has been released detailing Brookes' crimes. One senior officer said of the crimes,'I don't know how he held the syringe. Perhaps some kind of holding device. We also have no idea what kind of drug would produce symptoms one would associate with whale crushing. But a team of experts are working on it as we speak.'

For the past sixteen years Brookes has been living and working in Ohio, far away from his roots at sea. 'He seemed like such a nice young man', commented an ageing nurse,'But there was something a little odd about him. I often found him lying in the bath eating plankton and shrill during his lunch break. Of course we'd all noticed the hole in his back spewing water, but we didn't like to ask about it.' Another of Brookes' colleagues added,'Well he was a bit strange. A rather large fellow. He had blue skin and talked in an obscure way. We were told that blue skin was due to an iron deficiency, but we all had our suspicions that he caught it from a monkey in Africa. And African he was, talking in those strange beeps and clicks. Nice guy though.'

'Now that we know he is a whale is suppose there were indications as to his identity', said his work colleague and best friend Chuck Hoskins III.' He was a rather clumsy surgeon at the best of times. I remember when he stitched up a woman with his watch inside of her. His watch often fell off. Suppose it's because he has no hands. I never noticed. I mean really, how often do you look at a guys hands? Helluva guy though.' District Attorney Elaine Symmons expressed her disbelief that a sperm whale could go unnoticed like this for so long. 'This kind of thing would never happen in my office.... well apart from the beaver incident. But that pipe and monocle really had us fooled.'

Brookes employed a similar method of disguise, cultivating a luxurious handlebar moustache and lamb chop style side burns.' It was certainly effective. Who ever heard of a whale with a moustache?', stated one of the arresting officers. Brookes has been remanded in custody while police gather evidence, but maintains his innocence. Speaking through an interpreter, Brookes told police,'This is discrimination. I am being discriminated against because of my African roots.' More news on this story as it develops.