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TWELVE OAP'S ARRESTED IN POST OFFICE RUCK.

Twelve pensioners were arrested earlier today, and one charged with attempted murder, following a full scale riot at a local post office. The ugly scenes began as Joseph McCann, 83, known locally as 'Honest Joe', arrived at the post office armed with fingerless gloves and brandishing a walking stick. He then attempted to jump to the head of the queue, vociferously demanding his pension. When the cashier refused and suggested he join the back of the queue, McCann defecated on the floor before smearing faeces all over the cashier's glass screen and streaks down his own face in the style of an Indian crying,"Me chief Honest Joe." At this point, a member of a rival local gang, Sidney Armstrong, 98, and his posse, intervened using a variety of weapons including a zimmer frame, a tea cosy and slippers.

The fight soon spilled into the street as some of McCann's fellow gang members arrived with firearms. During the melee, McCann, fuelled with hot tea and amphetamines, demanded a duel with Armstrong, yelling,"This town ain't big enough for the both of us." Police arrived moments later, but it was too late for McCann who had suffered severe chest trauma due to a gunshot wound and had broken his false teeth during the fall. Paramedics arrived to take McCann, still smeared in his own effluent, to a nearby hospital, where his condition is said to be stable, but smelly. Armstrong was arrested at the scene along with eleven others and has been charged with attempted murder. Amongst those taken into custody were Philip Brown, 88, known locally to be behind a deceitful bingo scam and James 'Babyface' Westbrook, 69, convicted in 1993 for growing and selling marijuana at his allotment patch.

One shocked bystander, who wished to remain anonymous, said,"I haven't seen such mayhem since the Somme." With the interior of the post office in tatters many traumatised pensioners were treated for shock, some babbling inanely about the Blitz and rationing."You certainly couldn't get bananas during the war, but we made do with wooden ones. Not very tasty, but it was what we had to do. It was all part of the war effort,"stated wheelchair bound, 117 year old mother of 14, Alicia Simmons.

This is the first incidence of pensioner anger turning to violence since the imfamous 1984 St Paul's Cathedral Massacre in which 14 pensioners died. One was bludgeoned to death with the bible, following an argument about wogs, one claiming that the 'Chinese aren't wogs'. It was the last claim he ever made.

The officer handling todays incident, DCS Malcolm Taylor, hoped that the swift actions of the police force made it clear to pensioners across the country that this kind of behaviour would not be tolerated."Don't be fooled into thinking that old people are all smiles and sunshine. Some are vicious killers as was proved by todays incident. I urge the public to report any pensioners that are seen to be behaving oddly so that we can get these people off our streets, making them safe again."