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MASSIVE SECURITY ALERT AS DOORS STRIKE FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A MONTH

Doors last night staged their third nationwide strike this month, in a bid to secure better pay and job benefits. Almost two thousand doors turned up outside the Door Employment Agency as part of their protest. Amongst the rabble were a few famous doors, including the door from 10 Downing Street and the magical door to Narnia. Jim Morrison's ghost was also spotted lurking about. The doors were clearly unhappy, with many doors brandishing big sticks. This has caused a huge security alert and widespread panic.

One bemused polititian, who shall not be named for legal reasons (although we can tell you he shares his name with a famous tiger), commented,'We are open to discussions on how to end this.' The same politician was later seen speaking to geese. 'The doors have been demanding a lot,' stated another MP. 'They are wanting door bells fitted as standard for all doors. They don't like door knockers you see. They say it hurts them.'

This action by the doors has the entire country gripped in fear and confusion. Many postal workers have been spotted wandering about aimlessly, unable to deliver the mail. Many of them have commited suicide. Police have also voiced grave concerns over the massive rise in prison breaks. 'What can we do? We have no doors to keep the prisoners locked up with,' stated a worried screw. Many people have apparently been whisked off to other dimensions as doorways to other dimensions abandoned their posts yesterday. The traffic has not been one way however, with several reports of strange eight legged monsters roaming the countryside. It was later found out that the reports were due to people looking at spiders the wrong way through binoculars.

A spokesman for the Door Employment Agency stated,'We will not return to work until we have received better working conditions. You can't get a moment of peace being a door. Posties always trying to stick things through your flap, people constantly hitting you and being ridiculed by badgers. We fucking hate that!' A DTI spokesman rubbished these claims as 'woefully inaccurate', before going on to say,'These demands are ridiculous and clearly unworkable. In some instances a doorbell is obviously not required. Take a shed for example. No one will even be knocking on these doors, so I can't see why a doorbell is required.' The spokesman continued,'We have contingency plans for this type of thing. We will urge windows to act as a temporary stop gap for the door shortage until an alternative to doors has been found.' But fears are growing that the windows are planning a rebellion of their own. Several windows were stopped in a white transit van yesterday, stacked full of crates containing nitroglycerin. They had planned to blow up the world, but police saw right through their evil plan.

Several ideas have already been tossed around to find a replacement for doors. One was invented by eccentric Russian scientist, Dr Ivan Brozdinov. His idea involves a system of cats stacked on a hierarchical basis. It has been produced to run in parallel with the new ham based currency about to be introduced to Russia. The idea is for the patron to tip the head cat of the system. The cats will judge if the tip is worthy enough to allow entry. If not more ham will have to be offered. Dr Brozdinov, known in scientific circles as Crazy Ivan, is a senior lecturer of tampon moistening and inserting etiquette at the University of Moscow. He said of his new idea,'I believe this idea would be very successful as cats are very intelligent and focused creatures. Of course, very important doors such as those found in prisons would utilise tigers, or a similar big cat. Brozdinov went on to say,'The rich and famous could purchase popular television cats for use as doors. Imagine Garfield, Heathcliff, Top Cat, Felix, Bagpuss, Henry's Cat, James the Cat, Tom (of Tom and Jerry fame), Sylvester or the Pink Panther acting as your head cat. It would be a terrific icebreaker at parties.'

A senior government economist said this idea was fraught with impracticalities. 'The strength of the pound and the dollar against this new currency is likely to dictate a very high demand on this new ham based currency. This will make the cost of running one of these door systems go into orbit. And who said anything about all these famous cats being packaged together with these new systems. I certainly haven't seen them sign anything. I suggest to you sir, that this new idea is crazy as is the man who invented it.' With the end of this despute seemingly far away, it is certain not to be these cats that produce the light at the end of this long and ardous tunnel.