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You Can Be a Mum and Still go to College!
by Gill Clark

If you've ever considered a course of study (at whatever level) but put it off because you didn't think it would fit in with family life, here's an article which might make you think again! Read on for some ideas about juggling the demands of family and student life, based on the author's experiences.

Before you start applying for courses, there are many questions you might want to ask yourself and others who will be affected. Working through these questions may help you avoid time-consuming and/or expensive mistakes!

Questions to ask yourself:

Why do I want to do the course?

Will my reasons motivate me right through to the end?
You might choose a course purely because it's a subject you're interested in, with no other motive than that. You may be doing it to update skills after a career break. You might want a change of direction in your career, or to start an entirely new one. Or you may be trying for a qualification to help you get a job or gain promotion.

Why do I want to take this course?
Make a list of your reasons for taking the course on paper. This list should help you realize how important the course is to you, and help to determine how motivated you are. Now put them into order of priority, with those reasons you think you'll find most motivating at the top. Try to be honest with yourself - you don't have to show this list to anyone else! Only you can decide how motivating a particular factor will be. This is probably the most important thing you will do - motivation is everything, and can carry you through the toughest of times!

For example, one of your reasons for doing a course might be "to earn more money". Will that be enough to motivate you through (say) ten hours of study per week, for the whole period of the course? And that reason as important as "to enhance my skills so I am better at my current job"? The latter might be far more motivating to you personally for completing the course - it's what you think that's important.

Is this the right course for me?

After considering your motivation and reasons for doing the course, look at the course in more detail:

Is it in the right location?
(Convenient access, near school, baby-sitter, etc.)

Is the time commitment appropriate for my situation?
(One "part-time" course I inquired about ran from 9am - 4pm, four days a week - definitely not an option for me!)

What about distance or "flexible" learning?
Distance learning might fit in well if you have very young children. "Flexible" learning may be organized to fit in with the school day, or enable you to use college resources at times to suit you. Although these options may be convenient, think carefully about the social contact offered by on-site courses (fellow students can be a valuable support mechanism.)

Is this an appropriate time to start the course?

Think carefully about your situation. You will undoubtedly find it easier to study if areas of life unrelated to studying are as stress-free as possible! While not all events are foreseeable, do any of these apply to you?

Is there any long-term or serious illness in your family?

Is your family likely to move house or change jobs in the near future?

What level of support does your family want, deserve and/or need from you?
(And could some of it reasonably be provided by anyone else?)

Are there any stressful events on the horizon?
It may be hard for you to support others through difficult times (such as school examinations or college applications) at a time when you might need support yourself.

What are the risks?

You might be concerned about not being able to find the time to do everything. There's only one answer to this one, and it's something you'll have to come to terms with almost immediately. Whether it's more "ready meals from the freezer", a less clean and tidy house, more weeds in the garden or less than perfectly ironed clothes, something has to give! And the answer is very definitely not to give up all your relaxation time in order to fit the housework in! So, lower your standards on the household front, and prepare your partner and family.

Won't my relationships with family and friends suffer?
You will certainly have less time for everyone (including yourself!), but it needn't be a bad thing. A desirable side-effect of my course was my husband's greater involvement with our children at weekends and in the evenings when I've had to study, which has greatly enhanced his relationship with them.

Maybe you're not very good at organizing yourself?
Some colleges run courses for people returning to study after a break. If not, they may be able to offer advice, counseling or other support (such as a personal tutor) to help you. You could also try searching for books on "returning to study" in your local library, or even on the Internet.

Things to discuss with your partner:

Now that you've found a course you want to do and you've decided to go for it, here comes the hard part.

Sell him the idea...
We've talked about motivating yourself: now you need to motivate your "support team"! If you have a partner, it will help tremendously if he volunteers some level of support. Realistically, this is going to vary a lot from person to person: your partner may be delighted at your intention to study... on the other hand, he may think it's a complete waste of time! However, if you can get him to see the advantages, you stand a much better chance of getting that support. Borrowing a salesman's trick, the idea is to "get him saying 'Yes, yes'" by selling him the positive side before you explain the down side. The list of reasons for doing the course which you made earlier may come in handy here. If your partner can see what's in it for him, he's more likely to offer his support and help. It may be as simple as saying that it will make you happier in yourself: at the other end of the scale, pointing out that the qualification you'll get could mean earning more money may be a powerful motivator for your partner...

What sort of support will he give you?
Hopefully, you'll have motivated your partner to offer practical as well as moral support. (If not, don't worry. Discuss with him what you think you'll still have time to do, and what you won't - ask him how he thinks this can be solved. If you tell him he must help, he'll probably say "no". Don't forget - he's not the only one who can help, but he could be your greatest ally in helping persuade others! Assuming he does offer practical help, decide what he will agree to do now: by the time you start the course, he may have conveniently forgotten his promise to do the shopping on a regular basis! You also have some breathing space in which to train him up (if necessary!).

Things to talk about with friends and family:

Share your worries...
Let people know you're doing the course, and share your concerns with them. You'll be surprised how many offer to help without being asked. Always accept offers of help, even if you never take them up! You never know when you might have to call upon them. Explain that you will have less time to meet up with them - then they won't think you've disappeared off the face of the planet when you start studying, or take offence at your sudden "withdrawal" from their social scene. Once you've started the course, don't be afraid to share your problems - women tend to be very supportive of each other, but you have to admit there's a problem first! You may even be surprised at how understanding very young children can be if you are open and honest with them (and have prepared them in advance). Remember that children are not as altruistic as adults - they will expect some sort of payback! (A treat, etc.) Try and keep to any promises you make!

Questions to ask the college:

How many hours will I be expected to study?
Most colleges will be able to offer guidance on the number of hours of study on campus and at home. This will be important when you come to plan and organize your study time.

What are the semester and exam dates?
Ask for some idea of dates, even if they can only provide the current year's. Be warned - college semesters do not always coincide with school semesters. Similarly, exams may not fall on the usual day or times when you are expected to attend, which may complicate childcare arrangements ... but forewarned is forearmed! The more information you can gather, the easier it is to make plans.

What is the typical student profile?
Do you think you will you fit in? You may be happier on a course with mature students, or age may be of no concern to you at all. Can you contact past students for a chat? Can you make an informal visit to the college before your application interview?

How flexible is the course?
Are course credits transferable (should you have to leave the course part way through for any reason)? Can students defer the course / exams if necessary (and for how long)?

What support services are offered?
Ask the college what student support services they offer: these may include personal tutors, student contact groups, counseling, caregiving, careers advice, etc.

The Practicalities

You're finally accepted on the course - realization dawns: now you have to make it work!

Childcare

Obviously, the arrangements you make for the care of your children will depend very much upon your personal preferences and upon their age. Try to arrange a backup plan for times when your childcare arrangements break down, even if that's only possible for periods such as exams and assessments, when it's critical that you attend college.

On the home front

I've already mentioned that you'll very likely have to lower your housework standards - here are a few ideas - you'll no doubt think of plenty more!

If cleaning your home is normally one huge job, consider breaking it down into smaller tasks.
Maybe do some vacuuming before the kids go to school, or during a break from your studies, so you spend time doing something active. (But do set a kitchen timer or alarm clock if you think you might get permanently side-tracked!)

How about changing your usual routine? Take the kids when you go food shopping, so you leave their school hours free for study, for example.

Think about cooking double quantities when you make casseroles, etc., and freeze the other half for those times when you're too busy or too tired to cook.

Relationships

Don't forget to "invest" some time in your relationships with family and friends. Warn friends you probably won't be able to see them as much, but do set yourself goals about how often to see friends so you don't lose touch altogether - don't forget you might need some favours before the course is over! (My personal goal was to see at least one of my friends socially once per week.) And set aside times during the week (how long is up to you) to talk things over with your partner - it's important you keep in touch with how he feels, as well as letting him know how you're getting on. Similarly, set aside "quality time" (how I hate that phrase, but at least most people understand it!) for your children. With older children, take some time to discuss their feelings about your studying. Even young children can be encouraged to talk about their needs and have some level of understanding about how busy you are. A lot depends on the age and maturity of your family - be flexible - there may be some times when they need more attention than others. (But you're a mum - I don't need to tell you that...!)

On the studying front

Working time
Starting from the approximate number of study hours you need to complete the course, sit down and try to work out a study timetable - you'll find it much easier to discipline yourself to work if you have set study periods. This will not only help you, but also your family - knowing when you will and won't be studying helps everyone to settle into the new routine. Research has proven that recall improves if you have regular breaks from study, as it gives you time to reflect on what you have learnt and assimilate that new knowledge before adding more, so build in breaks, particularly if you have a large block of study time - go for a ten minute walk, clean the bathroom, read a chapter of your favorite book - whatever...

Working space
Try to set aside some space in which to study. If you have the luxury, a separate room is ideal, so you can leave books and papers out, or simply be away from any distractions. If that's just not possible, you might consider moving a few items of furniture to make yourself a work space. Set the ground rules for "allowable disturbances" from family members early on! If you have no choice but to work in a room where there's a TV, you might like to arrange your study time so it doesn't coincide with the kids favorite programs (for example)!

Problems, problems, problems...

This is what you dreaded when planning your course - suddenly there's a crisis, and all your carefully-laid plans fly out of the window - what can you do when it all goes pear-shaped?

Planning ahead

So many things can happen to make life more complicated, I won't even try to list them - you already know the sorts of things I'm talking about! However, a few well-laid plans may help you through some of them. Remember those friends and family members - this is the time to call upon any resources available to you! Whether or not things appear to be back under control, it's worth confiding in a staff member at your college - most colleges will have allocated you a personal tutor, and/or offer a counselling service. Even if you think your situation is unique, they're used to dealing with such problems. They will have regulations in place for students missing exams, assignment dates, etc. through personal emergencies. If you found out about these regulations at the outset, that information can go a long way to preventing you worrying "what if..?". If the worst comes to the worst, you will probably be able to defer your course or exams for a year (maybe longer), then re-appraise the situation. If you have to move away, or are unable attend the college in person any longer, ask about continuing as a distance learner. If this isn't possible, then you may be able to transfer credits earned on this course to a similar course with another college (either in another area, or a correspondence course).

Juggling all those balls!

Yes, there will be problems. Juggling family life and studying isn't easy - how many worthwhile things in life are? You can expect there to be times when you "drop all the balls" - just don't forget that everyone makes mistakes. Try to look upon being a student as one more role to play: you're already a mum, partner, friend ... maybe more! Try to keep a sense of what is important to you, and you should achieve a reasonable balance between all those different roles. As a mum, handling multiple tasks and problems is something you've already had plenty of practise in - so don't worry!

My top tips for success Don't let the course take over your life completely - build in time to be with family and friends Organize! Devise yourself a timetable and get into a routine - for work, rest and play! Take frequent breaks during long periods of study Make sure you get enough sleep - don't burn the candle at both ends! Above all - have fun!

I hope this article has offered an insight into some of the problems and difficulties the reader might encounter when embarking on a course of study ... together with some ways to help combat them. Perhaps the most sensible piece of advice I can offer is to keep your expectations realistic, and to remain flexible to the changing needs of your life away from college. Summing up this article, to be a successful student mum, all you need to do is ...

At the time of writing this article, Gill Clark was married to a manufacturing manager, and the mother of two girls (aged 5 and 7). About two years previously, whilst scouring local newspapers for part-time jobs, she came across advertisments for courses at several local colleges. Because the jobs she had been looking at paid too little to cover her childcare costs, she began to consider the possibility of retraining. Gill has just completed her three-year Masters (higher level) degree in Information Systems at her local university (so it really can be done!). She spents one day a week in college, and many more hours studying at home, while the children are in school and ... she really did enjoy it!