GWEN (page 34 Read How We Died)
It was a lovely day and I walked happily with the children along Common Lane. Robert was kicking his ball along the grass verge And I was a bit anxious it might either go on to the road or into the ditch, So I stooped and picked it up, as it came alongside of me. Robert did not see me pick up the ball and thought he had lost it. He shouted out 'Stop everybody! Lost me ball!' Jemmy and I stopped and turned back towards him and that's when it happened.

From out of nowhere, it seemed, a van came hurtling on to the verge at speed, and my last memory is of Robert being thrown up into the air like a doll, his arms and legs spread-eagled out grotesquely.
That was the pain - and the only pain I knew, then blankness - total quiet, safe nothing. It was a journey we made every day - down to the village, to the shop and post office, to post Bill's letters. This time, however we didn't get there and Bill didn't get his letters from me and the children.

My next consciousness was of Bill. He was straggling a small wall, holding a tape measure reel, whilst his colleague at the other side of the flat piece of scrub land, marked the position he wanted with an iron rod, hammered into the ground. I watched as the man tied a piece of cloth on to the rod.
He had written five hundred and seventy on the cloth. It was strange that I knew what he had written because I couldn't see the numbers - I was standing behind Bill, waiting for him to turn round and see me.

As I focussed again on my husband, he half turned towards me, a puzzled look on his face. He held up his arm and looked at his watch. It was eleven o'clock in the morning, in the desert, that he had worked in for the past two years. This was his last job and he thought of it as I stared at him.

He didn't see me - he couldn't because I really wasn't there. With my son, Robert, I had been killed by a bread van, out of control in a country lane. My daughter, Jemmy had only been caught a blow to the side of her head, and she fell clear of the wheels of the vehicle. She had been unconscious
for almost an hour and then she had been checked by the hospital doctor, but had only bruising. I had stayed with her at the hospital. She didn't know it though, as she slept most of the time - even when she regained consciousness, she slipped back into a sleep.
'It will help her forget the accident,' the young doctor said.

I don't know what happened to Robert. I just did not see him at all. This is why I thought of my husband, because I couldn't find Robert. Some part of my muddled mind thought he might be with Bill. Suddenly Bill called out to his colleague 'I want to go to the phone, Geoff. I'll get one of the boys to help you here.' He then strode off to where there were some low single story buildings on wheels.
Portable offices and such that Bill's firm took everywhere they went in the world, as they built the new factories.

I was with Bill when he telephoned our house. I was also somehow at the house and was able to see my mother, very pale and shaky as she picked up the phone. Bill asked if everything was all right.
My mother almost fainted as she heard his voice.  All had been done that she had to do. A cable had been sent out to the agents - only a short time ago - too short for Bill to have heard the awful news. I knew  my mother was going to find it hard to tell Bill personally, and so I went up to her to try to
give her strength. I knew already that I couldn't touch her - I had tried to take Jemmy in my arms and found it impossible. However I knew I could get closer than touching and so I enveloped my mother with as much love as I could - strength and love, just as she used to do for me when I was a girl. I formed the words for her in my mind and then I heard her repeating them - it was uncanny because it sounded just like me! Then I focussed on Bill again and enveloped him in my love - just as well because he almost dropped the phone and his tanned face lightened with the shock. Even though he had had some idea all was not well - it must always be a shock for anyone. I certainly did not expect Bill to faint! But he did. Just went down as if he had been pole axed. 
Then everything went black for me again. I  dreamed this time.

In my dream, I was walking into a kind of Disneyland with Robert holding tightly on to my hand. I didn't have to bend down to look at his face, but I knew just what his expression was. He couldn't believe it! His little hand clutched at mine as he looked from side to side and tried to make his mind up which he wanted to try first.

Just like him, he decided on a little train that seemed to go all the way round the place, up hill, down dale and through tunnels. We both got on. I was surprised just how much room there was for me, I had expected to be cramped being so tall. What a ride we had! The tunnels were not dark but on the contrary filled with the prettiest lights and scenes of animals in their natural state, looking very life-like.
It was a lovely ride for me, never mind Robert. His eyes were everywhere and he shouted with his usual enthusiasm that I hadn't the heart to curb.

When we finally got off at a little station - it was a miniature real-life place with everything that old railway stations used to have, I remember. There were porters and barrows, tubs of flowers and a station master. Then, as we went through the turnstile, Robert saw a big lake with little motor boats on it and he pulled me along for our next experience.

Robert and I spent a long time in that world of fun and adventure. We were not at all aware of time or anything else. There were of course other people having fun and we smiled at them from time to time, if they seemed our kind of people. Then as we were walking along a pretty path of all coloured sparkling, smooth stone, we almost bumped into another boy of Robert's age, who was being pulled along by a huge St. Bernhard's dog - a real, full-sized Nanna! Robert immediately stopped and talked to the boy and the dog, and somehow we joined up and became a little group on our own.

Robert was soon holding the lead of the dog, and his little friend was having a ride on its back. We came to a beautiful meadow and decided to sit down for a rest. I say a rest, but I didn't feel at all tired, which was strange because Robert had so much energy, he usually soon tired me out with his games. I stretched out on the soft grass, and, when a young female asked if she might join me, I was glad of her company. I thought she was Rod's mother - Rod was Robert's new friend. No, she was just looking after him. It seemed that Rod had been knocked down and killed, whilst running across a road near his home. His mother hadn't been there at the time, for Rod was allowed to play out with his friends, whilst she got on with her housework or had friends in for a coffee.

Julie had been there when Rod died, she immediately became his surrogate mother. She had a lovely personality. She said she tried not to crowd Rod, for he had become very independent, because of his mother's tendency to leave him to play on his own. Julie was always there with him
but was able to be invisible, in some way. I was interested in this and determined I would find out more about it when I got the chance.

Julie laughed at me and said, ‘It's no good thinking things, you know - you might as well say them. Thoughts can't be kept to yourself here! If you want to be private or even invisible, you just have to put yourself on to a different wavelength.'

Well, we talked about this and she helped me achieve it. It was all a matter of focusing and not focusing. I became quite good and felt a bit like the cat in Alice in Wonderland appearing and disappearing. Eventually Robert noticed something was going on and wanted to be in on it. Of course he was a bit young yet so we fobbed him off.

I decided to confide in Julie about my other worries - Jemmy and Bill. She was super and showed me how to become aware of them too - no matter where they were. I just had to be quiet and then think of one or the other of them. As I concentrated I suddenly became aware of them - their thoughts, that is. However there were times when I couldn't find them and those times, Julie said, were when they hadclosed their minds to anyone through emotion - grieving usually, or generally feeling down and low and causing a wall of fog around them so dense that I could not penetrate it. So I used to keep on trying - just like when you phone someone and they are engaged.

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