Funny Stuff

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets."

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time". The man replied "I know, I've been ill".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it".

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A 93 year old woman decided her time was up and to end her life. She decided to shoot herself in the heart. To be sure of complete accuracy she asked a doctor exactly where the heart was, he answered "it's located directly under the left nipple".
The women shot her left kneecap.

"I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!"

"I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace."







By Tommy Cooper and Tim Vine
(Bit of a mess-up between which jokes belong to which comedian - both damn funny blokes though)