First child:-- It says in my history book that Anne Boleyn had three nipples.
Second child:-- That's nothing, Paul Sturrock has got eleven arseholes.
Choose to beat up defenceless women
Choose to support a team from a city you've never lived in then call all it's inhabitants minks.
Choose whining.
Choose to wear the most unfashionable and aesthetically-displeasing shirts in the world.
Choose cheating.
Choose not to condemn your player after he has just been convicted of drink-driving.
Choose to sing homosexual songs from the 70's
Choose to waste £.5 million on Mathie.
Choose the arrogance to refuse the directors of your local rivals admmittance to your ground.
Choose a drinkdriving Glaswegan paper-boy as your new goalkeeper.
Choose to have 5 different stands of all shapes and sizes.
Choose your own referee and assistants
Choose to hate and despise a Dundee player then worship him years later when he signs for you.
Choose to embarrass Scottish football by displaying the "VG" logo in a European final.
Choose to have all your boozers owned by the Dundee chairman.
Choose to claim you don't care about Dundee then throw your scarves away when they hump you.
Choose Hypocracy.
Choose to forget 1909 to 1979 ever existed.
Choose to change the team you support after Dundee got relegated in 1975.
Choose to invent a mythical multi-million investement.
Choose a Raging Rhino.
Choose a bigoted Israeli with a chip on his shoulder the size of Jason De Vos' head.
Choose to be snubbed by every decent player around the world and pretend that you didn't want them anyway.
Choose self-deception and delusions of grandeur.
Choose one ofyour greatest ever player as an incoherent, elephant-like, alcoholic named Dodds.
Choose to poach your "impressive youth policy" from other clubs.
Choose a childish protest outside Tannadice as the Dundee fans conga on by.
Choose to form a pressure group that makes you the laughing stock of Scottish football.
Choose to get humped in two finals in 7 days and pretend it was a great achievement anyway.
Choose embarrassment.
Choose to stand dumbstruck after a Cup final and brag on for years how you won an award for it.
Choose to pretend Ivan Golac never existed
CHOOSE SCUM!
Q. Why do people take an instant dislike to United ?
A, Because It saves time.
One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking.
All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man?
Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world?
Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person?
Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash.
While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question.
After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man".
Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok,"
she said, "I am the fairest of them all".
Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head.
He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Dave Bowman?"
A Dundee fan and a United fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the Dundee fan says, "So you're a United fan, that's interesting. I'm a Dundee fan... Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The United fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The Dundee fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the United fan.
The United fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Dundee fan.
The Dundee fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the United fan.
The United fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Dundee fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up..."
There was a Dundee fan, a Scum fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Dundee fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scum fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.
The Scum fan was thinking: 'That Dundee fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Scum fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Dundee fan and got slapped for it.'
And the Dundee fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Scum bastard again, Harder.'
A Dundee fan, a St. Johnstone fan and a United fan came across a nude, dead woman in the street. They called the police and then, for decency, decided to cover her up.
The Dundee fan put his cap over one breast, the Saints fan put his cap over the other, and the United fan put his cap "down below".When the police arrived they needed to examine the body. The policeman lifted the Dundee cap and looked at one breast, then he lifted the Saints cap and examined the other. He then walked away from the body.The United fan said: "Aren't you going to examine "down below?"
"Nope", The copper replied, "I already know that under every united cap is a cu*t!"
Whats the difference between an United fan and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Question: What do you get if you see a Dundee Utd. fan buried up to his neck in sand?
Answer: More sand
Question: How many Dundee Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Three. One to change the bulb, one to throw his scarf and season ticket away when a rival light bulb shines brighter, and one to drive the other two back to East Angus.
Question: How does Jim McLean change a lightbulb,
Answer He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Question:What's the difference between Jim McLean and God?
Answer: God doesn't think he's Jim McLean.
Question. What's the difference between Jim McLean and a jet engine??
Answer: A jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!
Question. What's the difference between Alan Combe and Pamela Anderson?
Answer: Pammy's only got two tits in front of her
Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man. "Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop..... "Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story" "Sod the story, where's the brass United fan?"
A Dundee fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for, you shall get, but every Dundee United fan will get twice what you wish for." "Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid". "You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes. "Now I wish for Dundee to win the Premier League for 10 years running" "You understand that this means Dundee United will win the League 20 years running?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanac from the year 2050 showing The City of Dundee's dominance of the Premier League "Final wish" After some thought the Dundee fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
Arnold, the United fan always wears his replica top, and wherever he goes, people take the piss out of him, and say he's stupid. This pisses him off, so when he next goes for his walking holiday in the Lake District, he decides not to bother. He walks through a field of sheep, and sees the farmer. Feeling a bit in need of some sexual activity he walks up and asks the farmer "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I take one away and shag her?" "Sure" "173" "That's bloody impressive" says the farmer. "Take your pick" Arnold chooses, and begins to walk off. The farmer shouts back "If I guess which team you support, can I have my dog back?"
Two United fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke" The second one picks it up and says "Of course you do, you thick tw*t - its me!"
A nurse at Leeds General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of them being sacked by the hospital.
"I pulled them apart" said sexy Jane Adams, 21, "and could see Dr Jones was in tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed 'It's that man on D-ward, you know, that one with the
Dundee United pyjamas. Doctor Smith has just told him that he's only got two weeks left to live'. I told him there was nothing more we could do for him and he had to be told. Dr Jones said
'I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'"
Young niteclubbers were amazed to see Bobby Cox and Jocky Scott out one night early last week enjoying a pint together.Apparently, one young lady approached Jocky and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Scott "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Jocky signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Jocky, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt. Jocky of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Jocky exactly where to sign his name
"Sorry," said Jocky "but only Paul Sturrock signs twats !"
An old man was on his deathbed and so he called in his son and
handed him his season ticket for Dens "Young'ane" he croaked
"get riddae this and get is a season ticket for Tannadice".
"But Faither" says the son "ye've been a Dundee supporter all your life!"
"Ah Ken" say's the old man "But eh'd rather one of them bastards went than
one of us!"
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Dundee United strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
There's a Derry Boy, a Rastafarian and an Arab in a hospital waiting to pick up their newly born baby boys. The doctor comes in and says "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mix up and we're not sure which baby is which...". The doc leaves the 2 men and the Arab to decide who picks first, so they draw straws and obviously the Arab loses, and the Derry Boy wins and runs over and picks up the little black baby... "What the bleedin' hell are you doing, that's not yours..." cries the Rasta,
"Fu*k off, mate I won and I'm not ending up with an Arab...".
Eddie Annand is driving away from Dens Park after training and he sees the local vicar walking along the side of the road and offers him a lift… the vicar accepts and jumps in. 200 yards down the road, Eddie sees Billy Dodds wandering down the path, and thinks "right, the little shit, I'll have 'im", and starts to swerve across the road to run him over… He quickly realises that he has a man of the cloth in his car and swerves back the other way… Nervously he says to the vicar, "I have a confession to make, reverend, I nearly run over Billy Dodds back there, just because he plays for United"…
So the vicar replies… "It's Ok, Eddie, don't worry my son, I tw*tted him with the door…!"
A Dundee fan and a United fan were sentenced to death by firing squad.
The officer in charge asked the United Fan if he had a last request.
'Yes' replied the United Fan, 'I'm a keen United Supporter, and I videoed the last game United played. Could I watch the video before I die?'
'No Problem', replied the officer, 'I'll get the men to rig up a large screen, and you can watch it from here'.
Then turning to the Dundee Fan, he asked 'And what about you, do you have a last request?'
'Yes', he replied, 'Shoot me first'.
Dundee and United were appearing in the Cup Final together(???????) 3 school pals decided to go down to the match together, staying overnight. One was a Dundee supporter, one a United supporter, and the other a Premier League referee.
They decided to stay at a country inn outside the big smoke, but when they arrived there, the innkeeper told them he only had 2 beds free, one of them would have to sleep in the barn.
"That`s OK", said the Dundee supporter, "I`ll sleep in the barn." So off he went.
A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the Dundee supporter who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a pig in there, and he could not sleep with a pig.
"That`s OK," said the ref., "I`ll sleep there."
So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the referee there, who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a cow in there, and he could not sleep with a cow.
"That`s OK," said the United supporter, "I`ll sleep there." So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see a cow and a pig stood there......
Q: What is the ideal weight of a United Fan?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: How can you tell when a United tart has an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a United Fan?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you have when 100 United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
Q: What's the difference between Jim McLean's wife and a walrus?
A: One's wet, smells of fish and has a moustache and the other's a walrus.
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran over Billy Dodds".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
So there's this guy driving a car down the road in an erratic manner. He gets pulled by a policeman, who says "I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to breathalyse you" The man promptly produces a card, which reads: THIS MAN IS ASMATHIC. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE BREATH. The policeman replies "Well in that case sir, You will have to accompany me to the station for a blood sample." The man again produces a card, this one reading: THIS MAN IS A HAEMOPHILIAC. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE BLOOD. To this the policeman says "Well sir, we will have to take a urine sample in thatcase sir." With that the man produces yet another card, this one reading: THIS MAN IS A DUNDEE UNITED SUPPORTER. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE PISS.
A Bluenose runs into the toilet absolutely desperate to relieve himself, he runs up to the urinal and after some fumbling pulls out a very impressive 12" dick and begins urinating, in relief he cries out, "Just made it"!
An Arab who was standing at the next urinal turns to him and says "really! can you make me one too?"!!!
There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked
if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up
and said that he could tell a United joke. Suddenly a bloke in the back
of the bus said, "No, don`t do that. I`m a United Supporter."
The guide looked at him and said,
"That`s okay. We`ll explain it to you afterwards."
Q: What do United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent United Fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What happens when an Arab takes Viagra?
A: He gets a bit taller.
Q: Why did God make Scum smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!
Q: Why couldn't the Arab eat spaghetti?
A: He didn`t have long enough dishes!
Wife to her sister who's married to an Arab:
Wife: After you've had sex does your arsehole twitch?
Sister: No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a United Supporter
Q: How do you circumcise a United fan?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q. Why do Scum wear mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and an Arab?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a United Tart?
A. A United Tart can wash her crack and sell it again!
A young United Tart falls in love with a man and brings him home. Dad is horrified to see the young man wearing a United shirt. The bastard even has the gall to ask for her hand in marriage. Dad is polite enough, but manages to get round the question of consent, and after the Scum fu*ks off, he tells his daughter that that man will never ever, marry her while there is breath in his body.
Daughter bursts into tears and storms up to her room. The wailing coming from upstairs eventually gets to Dad's conscience and he goes upstairs.
They have a deep and meaningful discussion and after many hours, Dad caves in and agrees to the marriage for the sake of family harmony and his daughter's future happiness.
"There's just one thing that you MUST promise me. I know what these Scum bastards are all about. If EVER he asks you for sex the other way round, you must say no."
Now the daughter is young, sweet and innocent and doesn't have a clue what Daddy is on about. Daddy doesn't want to explain right now, but promises that if the need ever arises, he will.
So the sweet young thing marries the Scum bastard, the ceremony and the reception pass off without incident, and the young pair go off to start their new life together.
All is sweetness and roses for about six months until one day the young woman remembers the proviso to the marriage.
"Tosser," she says, "have you ever thought about having sex the other way round?"
The Scum bastard replies, "What, and fill the fu*king house with children?"
A Bluenose is laid low with an affliction.
He goes to see a Scum supporting doctor.
The doctor does some investigating and comes up with a course of treatment.
"You need to take two suppositories, 12 hours apart.
I know the thought of suppositories is not nice, so if you like, I'll apply the first now, then your wife might be able to apply the second when you get home."
The Bluenose agrees to this. The Doctor has him drop his trousers and bend over and the deed is done.
The Bluenose feels better very quickly and heads home.
He explains to his wife what happened. She isn't very impressed at the idea of inserting a suppository, but agrees anyway.
When the time is nigh, the Bluenose drops his trousers and bends over. Wifey parks the second suppository on her right index finger and places her left hand on his shoulder to steady the pair of them.
She pushes.
He screams.
"Sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean to hurt!" screams the wife.
"It's not that," says the Bluenose. "That Scum bastard had both hands on me shoulders!
"Mummy", said the little girl,
"can I get pregnant by anal intercourse ?"
"Of course you can," her mother replied,
"How do you think Scum are made ?"
Q. How long can a Scum woman hold her shit in?
A. 9 months
Q. What do you call a United tart in a white shell suit ?
A. The Bride
Q. Whats the diffrence between a United tart and the Titanic ?
A. Only 1500 men went down on the titanic
Q. What does a United tart do with her arsehole after sex?
A. Sends him out for a kebab and a six-pack.
Q. What designer underwear do United tart's wear?
A. NEXT
Q. What's the difference between a united tart and a United lad?
A. United tart's have a higher sperm count.
Q. What do Scum and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q - How do you change a United tart's mind?
A - Blow in her ear!
Q - Why are Scum like laxatives
A - Because they irritate the crap out of you
Q. Why do United fans put team stickers on their cars?
A. So they can park in the handicapped spots
Q: Why do so many housewives love Dundee Utd?
A: 'cos they're on top for ages & then come second...
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of United Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female United Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Craig Easton wakes up one morning, and remembers how much he had to drink the night before. He's surprised to find that instead of feeling rough, he's feeling pretty good, and checking the mirror, he's looking pretty good too! However, he's embarrassed to find that he smells awful, so he goes downstairs to find the bird cooking breakfast.
"You're looking pretty good, considering last night, how do you feel?" she says.
"Fine" he replies, "what's for breakfast?".
"Nothing for you mate, you smell awful...go training or something" she says, when he gets closer.
So Easton turns up at training, and Paul Sturrock says "Now I heard about last nights activities, and i'm not impressed, but at least you look alright....how do you feel?".
"Pretty good, boss" replies Easton.
"But you smell awful mate, let me recommend a doctor to you - get some professional advice" says Luggy.
So Easton hauls himself off to the doctors, and describes his problem..
"Everyone tells me I look good, and I feel amazing, but for some reason I smell awful..."
The doctor pauses for a moment, then says "That ones easy mate - you're a c**t!"
For years, a young United Fan had been taking holidays at a country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you phone when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a United Fan."
Q
. What's the difference between Gail Porter and Billy Dodds?
A. Gail Porter doesn't act angrily when taken roughly from behind
Scotland manager Craig Brown told Billy Dodds that he was picked to play in the next match but he said I might pull you off at half time, Dodds said great I usually only get an orange.
Q:
What's the difference between a David Bowman and a supermarket trolley? A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.
Q.
Why does Easton have T.G.I.F printed on the front of his boots? A. Toes Go In First!
Q)
What has 14,000 arms and an IQ of 160A)
Tannadice every other Saturday
Q
: What do you say to a United fan with two black eyes?A:
Nothing, its already been said - Twice!
Jason De Vos was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm,
at 9pm she had still not arrived, so he went home furious.
He phoned her up and said what the f**ks going on, I waited for Two hours in the cold,
She said, I am not going out with you now, we are finished,
He Said Why?
She Said, One of my friends said you are a Paedophile,
He Said, a Paedophile? thats a big word for a Seven year old!!
Q. How many Dundee United fans does it take to pave a driveway?
A. Depends how thin you slice them!
Q. What's Tangerine and Black and funny?
A. A bus load of Dundee United fans going over a cliff!
Q. Why do Dundee United fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tannadice?
A. So they have something to lift at the end of the season!
Q. Did you hear about the Dundee United fan who studied 2 weeks for his urine test?
Q. What do you call an Arab with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What do you call 100 Dundee United fans at the bottom of a cliff?
A. A good start!
Q. What do you call a pregnant Dundee United fan?
A. A dope carrier!
Q: If you see a Dundee United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do Dundee United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a Dundee United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
