Dundee United Football Club. We all fucking hate them don't we, or do we?
Do we really hate and despise all thing Tangerine or is it really just macho bullshit perpetuated by a few mindless morons.
Imagine yourself in the scenarios outlined below and choose the option which best fits your reaction and find out to what extent you are an Arab Hater.
Question 1
As an aspiring young soccer star you attract attention from several clubs including United. Jim McLean himself is witness to a particularly devestating performance after which he appraoches you and makes an offer of schoolboy terms. Do you;
A. Eagerly accept. This could be your big break.
B. Stall, such a move would be a momentous break from generations of family tradition.
C. Spit in his face, kick his shins, call him a "baldy-headed cunt" and cry out at the top of your voice " Pervert, Pervert, that man felt me up"
Question 2
71 minutes into a mind numbingly boring match against Airdrie, someone starts up a rendition of " If you hate Dundee United clap your hands". Do you ;
A. Shake your head ruefully such talk of tribal rivalry and hatred is dangerous and has no place in the modern game.
B. Clap your hands but know that really it's a bit stupid considering your team is stuck in the middle of a god awful game against Airdrie and it has nothing to do with United.
C. Completely lose the plot. Jump around madly and sing at the top of your voice and furiously clap your hands then immediately follow this up by starting " To die an Arab Bastard".
Question 3
You are meeting your new girfriends parents for the first time. Her old man is an Arab with a notorious hatred of Dundee and Dundee supporters. Do you;
A. Realise that you dont want to mess things up by causing trouble over something as trivial as football, be on your best behaviour and avoid the subject if at all possible.
B. Make sure the cunt knows that you're a Derry Boy, but make your point and leave it at that. Dont goad him.
C. Wear Scott Kinnears natty "I'd rather have a sister in a Brothel - than a brother who is an Arab" T-Shirt, only with the word "sister" replaced by "girlfriend" and "brother" replaced by "potential future father-in-law"
Question 4
Due to choosing 3C you are once again single and "oot on tha tap". This proves to be a strikingly successful mission and you cop off with a blonde-haired, large breasted , pert-arsed stunner who invites you back to her place. One thing leads to another and soon you are engaged in heavy petting. During this you notice a small United badge on her chain. Do you;
A. Ignore it. It's only football after all, she's gorgeous and start concentrating on reciting the 1970 double winning Arsenal side in an attempt to slow you down.
B. Gently slip the chain round the back of her neck and proceed to give her a Dark-Blue length to the rhythm of "United, United You are shite" which has suddenly started playing in your head.
C. Insult the manky Arab slut, walk out and have a wank through her letterbox after you go out the door.
Question 5
United have amazingly reached the final of a major cup competition. Do you;
A. Go along to Hampden with your United supporting mates to cheer on the other local side.
B. Want them to get beaten but then again it's not Dundee so your not particularly bothered.
C. Spend 3 nights preparing the traditional Myrekirk Circle banner to greet the disconsolate Arab bastards as they return from another humping and spend the entire 90 minutes screaming at the TV screen in your new role as a Rangers\Celtic\Hibs\Hearts\Aberdeen\Kilmarnock\Ross County\Inverness Caledonian Thistle supporter for the day.
Question 6
Your 8 year old son comes to you and says he would like to become a Dundee United supporter. Do you;
A. Support him fully in his decision. He is your flesh and blood after all and perhaps take him along to Tannadice whenever you can.
B. Go along with it but complain in the strongest possible terms to your mates in the pub.
C. Tell the ungrateful wee bastard to fuck off, give all his Dundee posters, pennants, scarves etc. to some young deserving Dee and pledge to burn any Tangerine regalia that he dares to bring into the house.
Question 7
Your 17-year-old daughter brings her new boyfriend home to meet you. He is wearing one of Scott Kinnear's natty "I'd rather have a sister in a brothel than a brother who is an Arab" T-shirts only with the word "sister" replaced by "girlfriend", the word "brother" replaced by "potential future father-in-law" and "Arab" replaced by "bluenose" Do you;
a) Appreciate the young lads humour. Hey as long as he looks after your little girl…
b) Make a few snide comments and grumble about it to your mates down the pub.
c) Rip the cheeky wee cunts head off.
Question 8
A Dundee United legend suffers a suspected heart attack. Do you;
A. Immediately phone the Daily Record hotline wishing him a speedy recovery despite him being from the other side.
B. Think "poor cunt" but don't allow yourself to become too sympathetic.
C. Alter the words of a Dens Park anthem to incorporate the line "We're off to see Paul Sturrock have a heart attack and die"*
*Answer 8.c) copyright Paul Sullivan 1998
Question 9
United have slumped to a 5-0 home defeat. A memo has recently been passed round your work warning employees to cut out the football-based dissent which has recently been blamed for worsening of atmosphere and falling productivity levels. Do you;
A. Say nothing to your Tangerine colleagues for the sake of your career and peace in the workplace
B. Smile smugly without rocking the boat too much.
C. Get in early Monday morning place a carton of "Five-Alive" on every Arabs desk, continually whistle the new 5ive single and make a point of asking the time every 5 minutes to and 5 minutes past the hour.
Question 10
One you're way past Tannadice one night you notice a severe security flaw which means access to the ground for any intruder is possible. Do you;
A. Report this as soon as possible. Petty crime and vandalism are wrong no matter who the victim is.
B. Sneak in under the cover of darkness and piss on the home bench then take a great, fuck-off, big, dirty shite in the centre circle.
C. Keep this stumph but get on the phone to Gio in Brussels from where he will get in touch with an appropriate terrorist organisation who will in turn prepare a top security, well organised operation to break in and wire the whole Sticklebrick Stadium with vast amounts of explosive timed for detonation during the next United home game resulting in certain death to thousands of Camel-shaggers, players and official and bingo! We will have finally have got shot of that pissy little annoyance across the road.
How did you score?
MOSTLY A's Call yourself a fucking Derry Boy you'd be as well just fucking off across the road with your Arab wife, Arab son and Arab future son-in-law.
MOSTLY B's Nice one mate you're clearly a good Dundee man. However you could do with being just a little less tolerant.
MOSTLY C's STAND UP IF YOU HATE ARABS You are the Crème de la Crème, the original Arab hater, welcome at the Bread any time.
IF YOU ANSWERED C TO QUESTION 10 You are Graeme Dare, a man whose hatred of United knows no parallels.