Find all the Blackadder 1st Series scripts here.
The first episode, "
Captain Cook":Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet sir.
Blackadder: What are you carving?
Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Blackadder: Why?
Baldrick: It's a cunning plan actually.
Blackadder: Of course it is.
Baldrick: You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Blackadder: Yes?
Baldrick: Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
Blackadder: Oh, shame.
The second episode, "
Corporal Punishment":George: Oh, right, yes, right. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness Captain Darling.
Melchett: You wish to call the council for the prosecution as a defence witness?
George: That's right. (aside) Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control. You are Captain Darling of the general staff?
Darling: I am.
George: Captain, leaving aside the incident in question, would you think of Captain Blackadder as the sort of man that would usually ignore orders?
Darling: Yes, I would.
The third episode, "
Major Star":Edmund: Go and clean out the latrines.
Baldrick: Yes sir, right away, sir.
George: Now the reason why Chaplin is so funny, because he's part of a great British music hall tradition.
Edmund: Oh yes, the Great British Music Hall Tradition. Two men, with incred-ibly unconvincing Cockney accents going, "what's up with you then? What's up with me then? Yeah, what's up with you then? (????????)"GET ON WITH IT!!!
The fourth episode, "
Private Plane":[Lt. George is in the trench, peering through a pair of binoculars across
No Man's Land.]
Blackadder: Oh, God, why do they bother?
George: Well, it's to kill Jerry, isn't it, Sir?
Blackadder: Yes, but Jerry is safe underground in concrete bunkers. We've shot off over a million cannon shells and what's the result? One dachshund with a slight limp!
[Blackadder yells at the artillery.]
Blackadder: Shut up!
[Artillery ceases. George looks bemused.]
Blackadder: Thank you! Right, I'm off to bed where I intend to sleep until my name changes to Rip Van Adder
The fifth episode, "
General Hospital":Melchett: What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why not? -- sounds rather fun. You'll have to go under cover...
Darling: Oh, definitely, sir.
Melchett: You'll need some sort of wound, a convincing wound...
Darling: Naturally, sir.
Melchett: Yes. (shoots Darling in the foot; Darling screams and falls down, his hand weakly poking up from behind the side of the desk) Yes, that looks quite convincing. (Darling's hand finally falls behind the desk)
The sixth episode, "
Goodbyeee":[Baldrick has had a "cunning" plan]
Edmund: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
(whistle blows)
Edmund: Good luck, everyone. (blows his whistle)
(Everyone yells as they go over the top. German guns fire before
they're even off the ladders. The scene changes to slow motion,
and explosions happen all around them. [An echoed piano slowly plays
the Blackadder theme.] The smoke and flying earth begins to obscure
vision as the view changes to the battlefield moments later: empty
and silent with barbed wire, guns and bodies strewn across it. [A
bass drum beats slowly.] That view in turn changes to the same field
as it is today: overgrown with grasses and flowers, peaceful, with
chirping birds.)