Brutus: So you’re the Wizard of Oz.

Wiz: That’s right, and you’re the four Earthlings. I understand you want something from me. Now let me see. You want a brain; you want courage; you want a heart –

Cliff: Hey! Leave me out of this, right. I enjoy loving myself.

Wiz: And you want, er, I can’t seem to remember.

Norm: An interspatial combustion engine.

Wiz: Ah! Now that could be a bit of a problem.

Norm: Why?

Wiz: Well you see, our interspatial combustion engine, heart, courage and brain package costs a little over 6p.

Norm: I think we’ve got that.

Wiz: I don’t think you understand. The exchange rate your Earth pounds and our one pence is approximately £22,578

4: Oh.

Wiz: If you wish, I could issue you all working visas and you could take up employment until the money has been raised.

4: Mumble, mumble.

Cliff: Ok right, we’ve thought this over and-

ALL: Yes?

Cliff: We agree.

Wiz: It is of course an astounding coincidence that there are 4 vacancies at the summer sunshine guest house.

Cheryl: Where is that then?

Wiz: The Emerald City.

ALL: Yeah, yeah.

[All off. Castle. ESE and Toady looking in crystal ball]

ESE: Ha ha. Already a nasty plan forms before my eyes. Yes, it’s completed. Toady!

Toady: Yes, your majestically magnificence?

ESE: Brew up the love potion. Now.

Toady: Oh no your majesty. It always leaves me with a terrible hangover.

ESE: Not for you! For the nerdy one! This is what I shall do.

ALL: Yes?

ESE: The nerd shall take the potion. He shall become infatuated with me. I shall lure him here and I shall discover the secrets of his strange contraption and then rule his world.

[ESE & Toady laugh]

ESE: Laugh dammit!

Bloke: Tee hee hee.

[Guest house. Wiz & 4 on]

Wiz: Here we are folks. The Summer Sunshine Guest House. Now if all of you work here for 55,600,002 years, you should be able to afford the engine.

4: Groan

Wiz: Unless-

4: Yes?

Wiz: Unless you rid this planet of some particularly nasty female magic casters.

Cliff: How many of those are around?

Wiz: Only one. They’re an endangered species now you know.

4: Groan

Cheryl: So what do we do here?

Wiz: I’ll just get the manager.

[Wiz off]

Cheryl: I’m really nervous. I’ve never had a job interview before.

Brutus: Nor me. Do I look all right guys?

Norm: Yeah, sure. But you’ve got a bogey showing.

Brutus: Oh no. [Turns and blows nose] Oh my god!

Cliff: What’s up?

Brutus: [Turns with slime in hands] I forgot my hankey!

Norm: Look, someone’s coming.

Cheryl: I think I need the toilet. [Off]

[Joe on]

Joe: Good afternoon. I’m Joe Smarmy-Boots, manager of this fine establishment. And you are.

Norm: Norman Whelks. [Shake hands]

Cliff: Absolutely perfect. [Shake hands]

Brutus: Brutus Merryweather [Shake with snotty hand]

[Cheryl on]

Cheryl: Cheryl Dappyhead.

Joe: Jolly chuffed to make all your acquaintances, what? Now, you shall all be working in the kitchens to start with. I’ll probably require someone to work in reception later. Ok? Jolly good.

[Joe off. Kitchen]

Cheryl: Look at this. We’ve got to make 3 spicy fruit cakes.

Cliff: Ok then. Cheryl, you read the ingredients and we’ll mix them.

[All put on aprons. Cliff puts on rubber gloves and shower cap]

Cheryl: Is everyone ready?

3: Yes.

Cheryl: Then I’ll begin. First take one teaspoon of sugar.

Brutus: Now what?

Cliff: [Sarcastically] You eat it, Brutus.

[Brutus & Norm eat]

Cheryl: One banana. [Eat] One orange. [Eat] One lemon. [Eat]

Brutus: Yeah? Well, I bet you can’t put this egg in your mouth without breaking it.

Norm: Watch. [Puts egg in mouth. Brutus slams his jaws shut and laughs. Norm returns gesture]

Cheryl: One pint of milk. [Drink]

[Joe on]

Joe: Sorry to disturb you and all that. Just wondered if one of you could work as bell boy upstairs.

Cheryl/Cliff/Brutus: Norman!

Norm: Who me?

Joe: Spiffing jolly good show and all that tosh.

[Joe drags Norman off]

Cheryl: Where was I? Oh yes, one pint of milk.

[Brutus starts drinking]

Cliff: Another one?

Cheryl: Sorry, no.

[Brutus spits it out]

Cheryl: One tablespoon of baking powder [Eats]

Brutus: So what happens now?

Cheryl: Give it a quick mix. [Brutus jiggles] Now add a tablespoon of chilli powder. [Eats] A teaspoon of water. [Drinks jug] And now the final ingredient.

ALL: Yes.

Cheryl: Flour. Two cups.

Brutus: How much? [As Brutus turns, flour is spilt over Cheryl]

Cheryl: You totally brainless gimp! [Cheryl pushes at bag. More flour out. Cliff joins in. Joe on]

Joe: I say chaps, what’s going on here.

[Joe gets floured. Curtains close. Norm & ESE on]

Norm: This is your room, Mrs?

ESE: Miss Region.

Norm: There y’go. Is there anything else I can do for you?

ESE: Funny you should ask. Drink this potion for me would you?

Norm: Sure. [Drinks. Twang! Stares at ESE] I think I’m in love.

ESE: Yes. So am I.

Norm: Really?

ESE: Yes.

[Toady on]

Toady: Sickening isn’t it?

Norm: Falling in love.

ESE: At the Summer Sunshine Guest House.

Norm: Summer loving.

Toady: That sounds like a cue for a song if ever I’ve heard one.

[“Summer Loving”]

ESE: You must return to my castle with me.

Norm: On a first date, you naughty girl you.

ESE: Aargh. Not for that you fool. Toady!

[Toady clubs Norm]

ESE: Now, to the castle.

[All off. 3 on]

Cliff: I’m holding you directly responsible for this, Brutus.

Brutus: Is it my fault the flour bag was open?

Cliff: I’m referring to the little incident of you being sick over the manager’s desk afterwards.

Brutus: Well he said he wanted to see the cake I’d made.

Cheryl: look there’s no point in passing the blame. The fact of the matter is that we were fired and now Norman’s vanished.

Cliff: Where do you think he is?

Brutus: Me? I’m incapable of thinking. But I have a suspicion.

ALL: Yes?

Brutus: That old woman with the sick mother.

Cheryl: Of course, she must be the particularly nasty female magic caster of the east south east regions.

Brutus: And she’s kidnapped Norm.

Cliff: Big deal.

Cheryl: But don’t you see, Cliff. If we get rid of this woman, we can get our engine and then go home.

Cliff: Right then. Let’s go!

[3 off. Castle. Norm tied to chair]

Toady:, your majesty, the potion wears off. He is waking up.

Norm: Boy, what a hangover.

Toady: Yeah, it hits me that way too.

ESE: Listen very carefully. You will tell me how to operate your machine.

Norm: Will I buffalo.

ESE: Stubborn one aren’t you. I’ll soon loosen your lips when I have your friends as well.

[ESE & Toady laugh]

ESE: Laugh dammit!

Bloke: Tee hee hee.