The Weirdos Of Oz Boy: Schools out! [Music: Wipeout. Loads of kids on dancing. All off leaving CLIFF, NORMAN, BRUTUS and CHERYL] Cliff: I’m glad I’m out of that place. With all that noise going on it was difficult to concentrate on myself. Norm: [Laughs] Cheryl: How can you say that Cliff? That place showed us the best years of our lives. Are you that insensitive? Cliff: Like, yeah. I’m totally heartless, right Norm? Norm: [Laughs] Brutus: But Cheryl’s right, y’see. I knew it was a good idea to stay on. I mean, I actually passed every exam I took. Norm: But I would like to take this opportunity to point out that you were only retaking your CSE’s. Cliff: Yeah, Brutus. Like, you’re totally brainless. Brutus: Oh yeah? Well I bet you can’t stick your finger up your nose to the second knuckle. [Attempts to do so] Cheryl: That place was a great institute for learning. Cliff: And boy, did we learn some things about you. Norm: [Laughs] Cliff: Did you let that school walk over you? Giving your homework to everyone. You didn’t stand up for yourself once. Cheryl: I’m just shy. Cliff: Gutless. Norm: [Laughs] Brutus: Ta-daa! [Turns to show finger up nose] 3: You’re gross, Brutus. Brutus: I knew you wouldn’t be able to beat that. [Brutus declares his undying love to Cheryl. Kiss. Spurned] [4 off & on] Brutus: Three whole weeks of lecherous living, and I’m totally bored. Cliff: Like, I’m even getting bored of looking at myself. 3: Never Cliff: Maybe that was a slight exaggeration. I think I must be getting bored of you three. Cheryl: What have you been doing Norman? Norm: Actually, I’ve been working on a project. Cheryl: Oh really? Tell us. Norm: Well, what I did was take Einstein’s theory of relativity and integrated Newton’s laws on the conservation of momentum. Cliff: Like, so what Norm? Norm: Well, the equation – plus necessary equipment – has produced a machine [Curtains open to reveal TABLE] capable of transporting persons over vast interspacial distances. Brutus: Wow norm, that is an exceptionally radical piece of machinery. [deleted scene] What’s it called? Norm: A Vast Spacial Body Transporter. Brutus: Vesbet? Cliff: What? Brutus: Vesbet. The initials v, s, b, t. How can you possibly call a machine vesbet? Norm: Forget it Brutus. Brutus: Show us how it works. [All walk around machine] Norm: This is the heart of the machine; the interspatial combustion engine. If this breaks then the whole contraption is useless. Everybody stands in here. The coordinates are placed in here. And then this button, here, is pressed. Brutus: What? This one? Norm: No, don’t. The coordinates haven’t been- [High pitched whine. Curtains close] [missing Star Trek scene] [Curtains open] Brutus: Where are we? Norm: I don’t know. Cheryl: At least you know it works. Cliff: Does my hair look alright? [Toady on] Toady: Oh my goodness, did you see that? I must return to my mistress, the- particularly-nasty-femal-magic-caster-from-the-east-south-east-regions, and tell her what has happened. [Eerie music. Curtains open – Castle. East-South-East and Bloke] [Toady on] Toady: Your majesty, I have just seen the most astounding phenomena. ESE: Aaargh, Toady. How many times have I told you not to use over two syllable words when talking to me. Toady: Sorry your majesty, but I have seen – ESE: I know, I know. What do you think I have bought the latest Tri-Star Fergusson Flat screen black box television network. Toady: But that is just a crystal ball. ESE: Aaaargh, I’ve been conned again. Oh man who sold the crystal ball You really think you know it all You’ll be taken by a fog And turned into a nasty frog. [ESE and Toady laugh evilly. Bloke is passive] ESE: Laugh dammit! Bloke: Tee hee hee. ESE: But wait- ALL: Yes? ESE: We digress, back to the original plot. I saw the Eartlings arrive in their contraption. What a pathetic bunch of miscreants. If their entire race is as bad, I should have no problem conquering the entire planet. But first – ALL: Yes? ESE: I need that machine and its controller. [ESE & Toady laugh] ESE: Laugh, dammit! Bloke: Tee hee hee. [Curtain close. 4 on] Cliff: So let me get this straight. Because no coordinates were punched in, the engine burnt out and now we can’t get home. Norm: Unless we get another engine which is pretty impossible really. Brutus: Well I think we ought to find out where we are. Cheryl: I’ll just wait here for you to come back. Cliff: By yourself? Cheryl: I’ll come with you. Norm: Hey look, someone’s coming. Cheryl: Quick, hide. [2 munchkins on in hip-hop gear] M1: Yo bro, what’s going down? M2: Everything’s rosy. M1: So why the frown? M2: My girl M1: Who Jude? M2: Yeah, she just found out What I am all about M1: So tell me about it brother M2: She’s discovered all the others. M1: What? Alice and Mary? M2: Cynthia and Jerry. M1: Jerry? M2: Short for Geraldine but that wouldn’t rhyme. M1: Well we’ll talk about this some other time. M2: Right you are, lay five on my hand Oh look, strangers visiting our land. Cliff: Excuse me guys but could you tell us where we are? Brutus: We have travelled from afar. Say this is pretty easy. Norm: Hey Brutus, you’re looking sleazy. [Brutus & Norm laugh] Cliff: Hey guys, cut it out. This is serious. [Brutus can’t think of a rhyme] Norm: Okay Cliff, don’t get delirious. [Brutus & Norm laugh] Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m really sorry about them. M2: Say that’s all right M1: Yeah, out of sight. Cheryl: Thank you. Now do you think you could help us. M1: No problem. M2: Ain’t she a gem. Cliff: Yeah, well, like, what happened see, is we’ve accidentally arrived here. Cheryl: And we want to get home because [More munchkins on] Ms: Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does. 4: My god, we’re in Oz. M2: These guys are cool M1: They ain’t no fool. Norm: So are you Munchkins? M1: Got it in one M2: You son of a gun. Cliff: So what happened to the happy, docile village people image. M2: Hey man, chill out M1: Hip hop’s what it’s all about. Norm: Where can we purchase parts for our machinery then? M2: Well, it’s real pretty M1: In the emerald city. Cheryl: We’ve got to get there really quickly. M1: Say girl, don’t you worry. M2: Yeah boys, there ain’t no hurry. Both: Yo people, attention you must pay So listen close to what we say Don’t take this as a simple rhyme Cos this situation happens all the time Now on this planet, you have beamed Into nothing but trouble, or so it seemed So back to your home you just won’t get If you start to panic or if you start to fret You’ve got a worry that needs to be eased And to be some assistance we will be pleased In the Emerald City your troubles will end Because the wizard there is a personal friend For the wizard it’ll be no fuss So there’s no need to diss and cuss To come across the wizard’s abode Just follow this little yellow brick road [Curtain close. ESE on] ESE: I shall now put my particularly nasty plan into action. But first – ALL: Yes? ESE: I shall disguise myself as an old vagabond, not totally unlike Mrs Belben. I will lure the Earthlings into a false sense of security, win their confidence and thenreturn to Earth with them. [Fred on] Fred: Gimme all your money woman. [4 on. ESE knees Fred in nads] Excuse me dearies. I wonder if you could help an old defenceless old woman like myself who is nearing the age of free bus-pass-ness? Brutus: How can we help you? ESE: Well? ALL: Yes. ESE: I need to visit Earth and – take over the world! Oops. I mean to visit my sick mother. Brutus: Your sick mother? We’d be happy to take you back with us. Norm: Pardon us for a minute. We require a brief conference. [Go in huddle. Cheryl nuts Brutus] Cliff: Look I’m terribly sorry but we’re completely booked up for the summer. Brutus: But what about her mother? [Cheryl nuts him. 4 off] ESE: Bah! Foiled again. [Mon – Fri Sketch. 4 cross stage Fred strokes himself] Backstage: MONDAY! [4 cross again – Fred still stroking] Backstage: TUESDAY! [4 cross again – Fred still stroking] Backstage: WEDNESDAY! [4 cross again – Fred still] Backstage: THUERSDAY! [4 cross again – Fred still] Backstage: FRIDAY! Norm: Excuse me, but are you okay? Fred: I just haven’t been feeling myself for the last couple of days. Cheryl: Something doesn’t feel right. I’m sure we should be doing something; singing, dancing. Cliff: Yeah. But what like? Norm: How about this? Brutus! Brutus: Come on and … ALL: Yes? Norm: 1. 2. 1, 2, 3, 4. [Kangaroo hop] [Emerald City] [4 off. Flurry of people. 4 on] Cliff: This must be the Emerald City. People: Yeah, yeah! Cliff: The Emerald City? People: Yeah, yeah! Norm: The Emerald City! People: Yeah, yeah! Brutus: Emerald City! People: Yeah, yeah! Norm: Your turn Cheryl. Cheryl: Oh I don’t like to. [Fred on to Wiz] Fred: Wiz, Wiz. You’ve got to help me. I’m in a critical condition. Wiz: Why? What’s wrong? Fred: I mean, just look at that tie. Isn’t it ghastly. And those shoes? Gross! Wiz: Will you get away from me! [Fred off] Brutus: So you’re the Wizard of Oz. Wiz: That’s right, and you’re the four Earthlings. I understand you want something from me. Now let me see. You want a brain; you want courage; you want a heart – Cliff: Hey! Leave me out of this, right. I enjoy loving myself. Wiz: And you want, er, I can’t seem to remember. Norm: An interspatial combustion engine. Wiz: Ah! Now that could be a bit of a problem. Norm: Why? Wiz: Well you see, our interspatial combustion engine, heart, courage and brain package costs a little over 6p. Norm: I think we’ve got that. Wiz: I don’t think you understand. The exchange rate your Earth pounds and our one pence is approximately £22,578 4: Oh. Wiz: If you wish, I could issue you all working visas and you could take up employment until the money has been raised. 4: Mumble, mumble. Cliff: Ok right, we’ve thought this over and- ALL: Yes? Cliff: We agree. Wiz: It is of course an astounding coincidence that there are 4 vacancies at the summer sunshine guest house. Cheryl: Where is that then? Wiz: The Emerald City. ALL: Yeah, yeah. [All off. Castle. ESE and Toady looking in crystal ball] ESE: Ha ha. Already a nasty plan forms before my eyes. Yes, it’s completed. Toady! Toady: Yes, your majestically magnificence? ESE: Brew up the love potion. Now. Toady: Oh no your majesty. It always leaves me with a terrible hangover. ESE: Not for you! For the nerdy one! This is what I shall do. ALL: Yes? ESE: The nerd shall take the potion. He shall become infatuated with me. I shall lure him here and I shall discover the secrets of his strange contraption and then rule his world. [ESE & Toady laugh] ESE: Laugh dammit! Bloke: Tee hee hee. [Guest house. Wiz & 4 on] Wiz: Here we are folks. The Summer Sunshine Guest House. Now if all of you work here for 55,600,002 years, you should be able to afford the engine. 4: Groan Wiz: Unless- 4: Yes? Wiz: Unless you rid this planet of some particularly nasty female magic casters. Cliff: How many of those are around? Wiz: Only one. They’re an endangered species now you know. 4: Groan Cheryl: So what do we do here? Wiz: I’ll just get the manager. [Wiz off] Cheryl: I’m really nervous. I’ve never had a job interview before. Brutus: Nor me. Do I look all right guys? Norm: Yeah, sure. But you’ve got a bogey showing. Brutus: Oh no. [Turns and blows nose] Oh my god! Cliff: What’s up? Brutus: [Turns with slime in hands] I forgot my hankey! Norm: Look, someone’s coming. Cheryl: I think I need the toilet. [Off] [Joe on] Joe: Good afternoon. I’m Joe Smarmy-Boots, manager of this fine establishment. And you are. Norm: Norman Whelks. [Shake hands] Cliff: Absolutely perfect. [Shake hands] Brutus: Brutus Merryweather [Shake with snotty hand] [Cheryl on] Cheryl: Cheryl Dappyhead. Joe: Jolly chuffed to make all your acquaintances, what? Now, you shall all be working in the kitchens to start with. I’ll probably require someone to work in reception later. Ok? Jolly good. [Joe off. Kitchen] Cheryl: Look at this. We’ve got to make 3 spicy fruit cakes. Cliff: Ok then. Cheryl, you read the ingredients and we’ll mix them. [All put on aprons. Cliff puts on rubber gloves and shower cap] Cheryl: Is everyone ready? 3: Yes. Cheryl: Then I’ll begin. First take one teaspoon of sugar. Brutus: Now what? Cliff: [Sarcastically] You eat it, Brutus. [Brutus & Norm eat] Cheryl: One banana. [Eat] One orange. [Eat] One lemon. [Eat] Brutus: Yeah? Well, I bet you can’t put this egg in your mouth without breaking it. Norm: Watch. [Puts egg in mouth. Brutus slams his jaws shut and laughs. Norm returns gesture] Cheryl: One pint of milk. [Drink] [Joe on] Joe: Sorry to disturb you and all that. Just wondered if one of you could work as bell boy upstairs. Cheryl/Cliff/Brutus: Norman! Norm: Who me? Joe: Spiffing jolly good show and all that tosh. [Joe drags Norman off] Cheryl: Where was I? Oh yes, one pint of milk. [Brutus starts drinking] Cliff: Another one? Cheryl: Sorry, no. [Brutus spits it out] Cheryl: One tablespoon of baking powder [Eats] Brutus: So what happens now? Cheryl: Give it a quick mix. [Brutus jiggles] Now add a tablespoon of chilli powder. [Eats] A teaspoon of water. [Drinks jug] And now the final ingredient. ALL: Yes. Cheryl: Flour. Two cups. Brutus: How much? [As Brutus turns, flour is spilt over Cheryl] Cheryl: You totally brainless gimp! [Cheryl pushes at bag. More flour out. Cliff joins in. Joe on] Joe: I say chaps, what’s going on here. [Joe gets floured. Curtains close. Norm & ESE on] Norm: This is your romm, Mrs? ESE: Miss Region. Norm: There y’go. Is there anything else I can do for you? ESE: Funny you should ask. Drink this potion for me would you? Norm: Sure. [Drinks. Twang! Stares at ESE] I think I’m in love. ESE: Yes. So am I. Norm: Really? ESE: Yes. [Toady on] Toady: Sickening isn’t it? Norm: Falling in love. ESE: At the Summer Sunshine Guest House. Norm: Summer loving. Toady: That sounds like a cue for a song if ever I’ve heard one. [“Summer Loving”] ESE: You must return to my castle with me. Norm: On a first date, you naughty girl you. ESE: Aargh. Not for that you fool. Toady! [Toady clubs Norm] ESE: Now, to the castle. [All off. 3 on] Cliff: I’m holding you directly responsible for this, Brutus. Brutus: Is it my fault the flour bag was open? Cliff: I’m referring to the little incident of you being sick over the manager’s desk afterwards. Brutus: Well he said he wanted to see the cake I’d made. Cheryl: look there’s no point in passing the blame. The fact of the matter is that we were fired and now Norman’s vanished. Cliff: Where do you think he is? Brutus: Me? I’m incapable of thinking. But I have a suspicion. ALL: Yes? Brutus: That old woman with the sick mother. Cheryl: Of course, she must be the particularly nasty female magic caster of the east south east regions. Brutus: And she’s kidnapped Norm. Cliff: Big deal. Cheryl: But don’t you see, Cliff. If we get rid of this woman, we can get our engine and then go home. Cliff: Right then. Let’s go! [3 off. Castle. Norm tied to chair] Toady:, your majesty, the potion wears off. He is waking up. Norm: Boy, what a hangover. Toady: Yeah, it hits me that way too. ESE: Listen very carefully. You will tell me how to operate your machine. Norm: Will I buffalo. ESE: Stubborn one aren’t you. I’ll soon loosen your lips when I have your friends as well. [ESE & Toady laugh] ESE: Laugh dammit! Bloke: Tee hee hee. [ESE & Toady off] Norm: Hi there. Hello. Hello? Can you hear me. Bloke: Are you talking to me? Oh, hello. Norm: What do you do for a living? Bloke: I’m a hired help. Norm: Boring. Bloke: Not all the time. Norm: What has she hired you for? Bloke: Personal bodyguard and torturer. Norm: And you enjoy that line of work? Bloke: Torture? Yeah, love it. Not a lot of it to do around here. Hopefully you and your friends will be different. Norm: Haven’t you had any real ambition in life? You know? A real job. Bloke: I tried to become a professional sadist. Norm: What? A headmaster? Bloke: Nothing as bad. Norm: What then? Bloke: Listen to my story. [Dentist song. ESE on] ESE: Stoppit you fool. I sense the others are close by. We must prepare ourselves. [Off. Gameshow music. Host on] Host: Hi there and welcome to this part of the show entitled ‘Audience Participation’. That’s right. This is the part of the show where you, the audience, get the opportunity to sway the course of events and the final outcome of the show. As you see, our hero is tied up and under guard. Is there no hope? But wait? I spy a bucket of beans on stage that must go over someone’s head. A volunteer from the audience shall come on stage and do the dirty deed, but you, the audience have the ultimate decision. So will it be Norman or the guard. Bearing in mind, that if you put it over his head then he’ll probably cap your knees. [Over Norm] Norm: Oh thanks. Put a bucket of beans over my head but don’t bother untying me. [ESE & Toady on] ESE: Aargh. The others have entered the castle. [Brutus jumps on] Brutus: Fear not Norm, Captain Gross-them-Out is here. [Bloke runs off to puke. Cliff on] Cliff: Like, no sweat Norm, Captain Fantastic’s here. [Toady faints] ESE: You cannot defeat me with your ways. Norm: OK. How about a riddle-me-ree contest? If we win, we go free. If you win, you can have the machine and operations manual. ESE: Fine with me. Norm: I’ll go first. What do you get when you cross S-Express with a physics teacher. ESE: Mr Henderson. Norm: Drat. Cliff: OK then. What do you get when you cross Richard Gere’s looks, Delbert Wilkins’ style, Super Ted’s sense of humour and Ken Dodd’s hair. ESE: Easy. That’s Mr Leighton. Brutus: My turn. Try to guess what I am. [Puts banana in mouth. Punches cheeks and spits it out] I’m a zit. Get it! Run! [Peter Gunn. Everyone runs across stage a few times] [4 run on] Norm: Cheryl, what happened to you? Cheryl: I’m not sure but I think a frog just tried to sell me a colour TV. Oh no. Dead end. Cliff: Quick guys. Back the way we came. [ESE on with inflatable beast] ESE: Too late. I have you now, my pretties. [Throws beast at Brutus who wrestles with it. Norm picks it up and pulls out stopper] ESE: Aargh. You’ve killed it. Now I’m really mad. Cliff: Big round of applause for Norm. We’re all going to die. Brutus: [Tapping heels together] There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. Cliff: What are you doing? Brutus: Well, it worked on the film. Cliff: Good point. [Cliff, Cheryl and Brutus do it] ESE: You die first. [Pulls Norm close. He kisses her] ESE: Aargh. Oh no, what have you done? Cheryl: Oh Brutus, I think I love you. Brutus: I love you too, Cheryl. What a way to die, in each others arms. Cliff: Wait a minute you two. I think Norman’s killed it. [ESE writhes on floor] Cliff: Way to go Norm. The only way to kill her; a kiss from a nerd. I always said you had potential. [Wiz on] Wiz: Did you say nerd? That doesn’t kill her, only takes away her magical properties. ESE: [Gets up] I feel more wholesome. A better person. And I have you to thank Normy-poos. [ESE and Norm embrace] Cheryl: What a happy ending. Norman has the witch; I have you Brutus; and I think Cliff loves himself even more. Cliff: But how do we get home? Wiz: Under the circumstances, normally, I would give you the engine. Unfortunately for you, though, the Munchkins found your transporter and converted it into a mobile disco and mixing studio. So you’re stuck here. ESE: At least we have each other. Norm: You know what? I feel a carol coming on. [Carol on] Carol: Hello everybody. ALL: Hi Carol. Wiz: Carol’s? You’ve got to be joking. You’ve got to wait another 5 years until this planet’s Christmas. Norm: Well, in that case. Let’s end on this note. ALL: Laaaaaaa! [Somebody to Love]