Man: Dimensional jaunting's not so simple, as we will find,
For the first little trip has fucked Jeanie's mind.
The first signs of insanity begin to creep,
She believes she's in an episode from Quantum Leap.

Woman: What new delusions will this poor girl now suffer,
As they enter the world of a boy and his mother.
They rent out nice rooms at reasonable rates,
In a small motel with the name of Bates.

[Bates Motel reception. Norman with Mother in corner of room.]

Norman: Yes mother. No Mother. Yes. I'll do it after I get the shopping. No, no and three times no.

[Janet On]

Norman: Just a minute mother, we have a customer.

Janet: Poo, what's that smell? Somewhat indicative of rotting flesh and long term decaying bodies.

Norman: It's mother. It's her time of the month. How can I help you?

Janet: I am currently undergoing a very long journey to visit some relatives over the other side of the country. What with it being a surprise visit, I am travelling by myself and unprotected. As an added bonus of coincidence nobody knows I am here. Whilst undergoing my extensive (and I might add rather foolish) excursion, it has come to pass that my car broke down during a period of navigation via a dark, long, narrow and uninhabited short cut. Somewhat fortuitously I noticed your establishment situated at the end of a small and desolate roadway. I also noticed a distinct lack of telegraph poles in this area therefore making calls for assistance in the unlikely event of breaking down or even psychopathic attacks completely impossible.

Norman: Those very details of which you have commented on have been mentioned by a large number of my previous guests and add character to a building of this nature.

Janet: It therefore comes to pass that since I have no means of transport, communication or self defence, I am looking to you to take pity on me and rent me a room. If you have one free.

Norman: It just so happens that you have caught a time in my seasonal bookings when I have absolutely no customers what so ever.

Janet: Goodness, what a coincidence.

[Both laugh falsely]

Janet: So even if the million to one chance of you being a mentally ill individual should arise, and if you should want to attack me (although Lord alone knows why), then I could not even rely on assistance from the other guests who may find your behaviour odd and become suspicious of your actions and attention towards me.

Norman: Quite. So it's a room you require?

Janet: Yes please. One conveniently close but also slightly obscured by dense forestry to give it an ominous glow as the moon shines through the branches.

Norman: I think room thirteen would suit you perfectly.

Janet: Does it also have large windows to display suspicious shadows of midnight prowlers against the curtains?

Norman: Yes. And I also carry a spare key of that exact room for no apparent reason.

Janet: I suppose it could be your lucky number.

[Both laugh again]

Norman: Quite. There's your key and I hope you have a pleasant night's sleep.

Janet: And I hope to still be around to see the day break.

[Both laugh]
[Janet Off]

Mother: Norman?

Norman: Yes mother?

Mother: I saw the way you were looking at that girl.

Norman: What way?

Mother: In the way that you wanted to fuck her brains out.

Norman: No mother. It's not true.

Mother: Don't lie to your mummy Norman. You know what you must do?

Norman: Fuck her brains out?

Mother: No! Hang her from the light fittings by her own intestines.

Norman: Yes mother.

Mother: Wait, I haven't finished yet. Suck her eyeballs out with a sink plunger. Extract her teeth with a pair of pliers and make her eat her own buttocks, and don't make a mess like last time. Put plastic sheets down or something.

Norman: Yes mother.

[Scrooge and Co. On]

Jeanie: Sam, Ziggy says we're going to have to stay here the night until we can leap again.

Scrooge: Are you sure you don't want to lie down for a while Jeanie.

Step: If you want to call me Jeanie I don't mind. And yes, I would like to lie down for a while. With you.

Scrooge: Oh no.

Granvil: Ooh look, he's quite cute.

Clover: In a sort of deranged, maniac, stab you in the shower and probably a few other places too type way.

Jeanie: Ziggy says his name is Norman Bates. He owns the motel and is going to kill one of the women here.

Scrooge: One of the women here?

Jeanie: No, one of the women staying at the motel. The one we passed outside.

Scrooge: If I asked him nicely would he kill one of the women here?

Jeanie: Probably, he's a psycho.

Norman: Can I help you people at all? Bwah ha ha ha har.

Step: We'd like two rooms for the night please.

Norman: Just sign the register here. Shut up mother can't you see I'm assisting these nice people.

[Sign register]

Norman: Here are your keys sir. Enjoy your stay. We don't include breakfast in the price because there's never any call for it.

Scrooge: Thank you.

Step: Come on Scroogypoos.

Jeanie: Sam, your room is next door to the intended victim. You'll have to stay awake all night to check nothing happens.

Scrooge: That's not a problem, I can stay up all night.

Step: Oh Scrooge, boasting will get you everywhere.

[Scrooge, Step & Jeanie Off]

Clover: So, what's your name sweet stuff?

Norman: N.N.N.N.Norm. Norman. Norman No Mates.

Clover: Why are you called that?

Norman: Because I killed them all.

Mother: Norman?

Norman: Shut up mother, I'm on the pull.

Granvil: Is that your mother? She didn't say a word.

Norman: You didn't hear her?

Clo&Gran: No.

Norman: Can you smell her?

Mother: Of course they can't hear me. I'm dead and you're mad.

Nothing: Oh yeah, that's right. So what are your names, you foxy chicks.

Clover: Clover.

Norman: Why?

Granvil: Because she spreads easily, straight from the fridge. My name's Granvil.

Norman: Why Granvil?

Clover: Because she's open all hours. So do you fancy a bit then?

Norman: Oh yes. But these bugs keep eating my eyes.

Granvil: If our names bother you, you could always call us something else. A pet name if you like.

Norman: Okay. I'll call you Rover.

Clover: No, she means a cute name, like Pumpkin, or Bunny, or Lollipop.

Norman: My refrigerator keeps screaming at me. Lollipop. Lollipop. Lollilollilollipop. Yes.

[SX 13 Music: My Girl Lollipop]

Norman: I'll tell you what girls, why don't we have a house hold of three in the shower?

Clo&Gran: A what?

Norman: A ménages trois.

Clo&Gran: Excellent.

Norman: Just go straight through there girls and I'll join you in a second.

[Clover & Granvil Off]

Mother: Norman?

Norman: Yes mother?

Mother: I saw the way you looked at those girls. What are you going to do about it?

Norman: Oh do shut up you decomposing old bint. I'm going to kill them okay?

Mother: Calm down. I only asked.

[Norman Off. Scrooge and Step On]

Scrooge: Will you please leave me alone?

Step: But Scrooge, I'm madly in love with you. Don't ask me why, it's just some foolish thing that happens to a girl only once in her life. A feeling that makes her throw caution to the wind and dive right in at the deep end lest she misses out on a moment of frivolous foolishness.

["UP YOURS"]

Scrooge: Well said. I'm not interested. All I want is separate rooms.

Step: All I want is another baby. Come to me lover. Insert your penis into my vagina and inseminate my seed.

Scrooge: Beleugh.

Step: It's the facts of life.

[Step chases Scrooge around room. Crash into Mother and knock her to the floor]

Scrooge: Bloody hell, she's dead. We've killed her.

Norman: [Offstage] Mother? I've done it.

Scrooge: You sit in her seat and pretend to be his mum. I'll hide the body.

Step: Only on one condition. Marry me.

["UP YOURS"]

Scrooge: Not now. Yes, okay, anything.

[Scrooge drags Mother behind counter. Norman On]

Norman: And I made them swallow their own kidneys.

Step: Er, well done Norman.

Norman: Aaargh! Mother, you're alive?

Step: Yes. Of course I am.

Norman: I must be mad. Stop eating my feet. Maybe I was mad before, when I thought she was dead and now I'm sane because she's alive. Maybe I'm even more mad now by thinking she's alive when I know she was dead and thought she was alive. But that's far too complicated, let us just say that I am sane because mother is now alive. Spin cycle! Spin cycle! Spin cycle!

Step: Oh you poor darling. Scrooge, we'll have to take him with us, adopt him as our child.

["UP YOURS"]

Scrooge: Too bloody right up yours missus. He's a confirmed psychopath. What good is he to man or beast?

Norman: Mother, I have a confession. I'm afraid I killed your daughters.

Scrooge: Son.

Norman: Daddy.

Step: Now we're a proper family aren't we?

Scrooge: For now. Yes.

[Jeanie On]

Jeanie: Well done Sam, she doesn't get killed. Alfred Hitchcock doesn't write the book, he doesn't become famous and dies of a severe coronary because he was a fat old git, and we don't have to pretend to be upset when Anthony Perkins dies. Prepare to leap.

Norman: She's as nutty as me.

Scrooge: More so. I wonder where we'll end up this time.

[SX14 Music: Super Marioland. Whizz, bang everybody screams.]

Narrator/Man: Act 1 has come and gone,
No one's sure of what is going on.
It's been decreed for sanity's sake
To have a twenty minute break.

Woman: Save your breath, save your cheers.
Go and buy a few more beers.
All this shit will soon sink in,
As soon as I down a double gin.

[Aladdin On]

Aladdin: Oh this is just getting ridiculous.

ACT II

[Dickens On]

Dickens: Good day, hello, good eve to you all. It would give me the greatest of pleasurements to introduce myself to your good selves. You have no doubt observed, unless your brain is a cauliflower, that my method of walking and tongue of speech are neither to your taste nor of your time. However, this Charles Dickens, the...me, as I am he, would like to pursue a little friendly intercourse with my audience. Last decade, I heard at a gathering of the Dead Writers Society, that a literary crime, a lexicographic murder, a travesty was to take place upon this stage, this very night. My masterpiece was to be peppered with obscenity, drivel, and historical inaccuracy. However, I have taken time to peruse a scripture of the piece. A gentleman with a large nose assured me that they were the words to be spoken tonight. I assure you that this evening's spectacle will be one of pure delight, of Dickensian magic. A classic Christmas treat. I shall not return. Good night and enjoy.

[Dickens Off.]
[SX 15 Music: Market song from Muppets. Teddies and things dance on stage. Dickens comes back on and kicks teddies Off]

Dickens: I demand to say a few words to my agent.

[He storms Off]

Narrator/Man: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back,
To our humble production of a pile of cack.
Act two is starting and I'm proud to admit,
That I'm thoroughly pissed and don't give a shit.

Woman: I completely agree with my colleague here,
As you can see we've been downing the beer.
As for the play that never quite ends,
Scrooge is back, and he's found some more friends.

[Betty Ford clinic. Scrooge, Jeanie, Norman, Elvis, Mario, Sonic]

Elvis: Wow man, that was cool. Do it again.

Scrooge: We can't Elvis. Not until Jeanie says so.

Elvis: Wuhuhuh. Thank you very much.

Jeanie: Sam, we've leapt into the Betty Ford Clinic. We can't stay long. What I suggest is that we leave Mario and Sonic here to dry up. All these years that Mario has spent on those funny mushrooms has sent him a bit funny in the head.

Mario: Loosely in my eye with Neil Diamond. Colours colours everywhere. Daisy. Ohhhh yeah, going super Mario now. Hey I can fly. Oh oh oh oh oh fire breathing turtles.

Scrooge: And Sonic can say goodbye to those days of constant speeding now as well.

Sonic: Too slow, too slow. Everything's going tooo slow. Gotta move, gotta go. Rave on, techno, techno, techno, techno. Doctor Robotnik, I'm coming for you. Gimme another chaos crystal quickly.

[Two men in white drag off Mario and Sonic]

Scrooge: What about Elvis here?

Elvis: Whuhuhu. Thank you very much.

Jeanie: He doesn't exist in this time line so he'll just have to go a bit further with us.

Scrooge: And those two?

Jeanie: We can leave them if you want?

Scrooge: No, I've decided I quite like them.

[SX 16 Music: I Love to see you smile]

Jeanie: Scrooge is in love.

Elvis: I feel a song coming on.

Scrooge: Let's go.

Elvis: Weeeell, It's-

[All Off]