A Christmas Carol: The Director's Cut [LX 3 SPOTS STAGE RIGHT] Man: My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen, Mums and Dads, Boys and Girls. Woman: Members of the football club, and other semi-evolved life forms at the lower end of the food chain. Man: The time has approached us once again whence we forget the stresses and woes in the world and, for a change, selfishly enjoy ourselves for a couple of hours. Woman: Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, the time of Christmas doth head towards us with such increasing speeds, only severe doses of valium can prevent us from exploding with excitement. Man: Yes, it's nearing that time when families get together and give their children those special sort of gifts that put special sort of smiles on their faces. Woman: The time when we hear little squeals of delight as parents tell their children that a large fat man in red pyjamas will be coming in their bedrooms and giving them presents. But only if they're good. Man: Believe me Ladies and Gentlemen, some of those children are very good. Woman: We will be grouping together in our various clans and sharing such great feelings of warmth and love that are never displayed during the other 51 weeks of the year. Which, quite frankly, is no surprise if you have a family like mine, where the only feelings of warmth being shared are those when we set each other alight with flaming puds during Queen Victoria's speech. Man: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Christmas again, and with only about 390 shopping days to go until Christmas '94 we now face the prospect of pantomime. Hooray, boo, hiss, behind you and up your arse, are some of the jovial chants that fill the concert halls around the country. Woman: And this hall is no exception. The story you are about to see is the true, uncut, unedited version of real life events of Victorian England. Man: This is "A Christmas Carol, the Director's Cunt." Woman: Cut. Man: Cut. The adventure as it was supposed to be. Woman: This is the story of a certain Victorian miser who is so tight he shits wafer thin mints. A story of how the true nature of Christmas turns him into a caring, responsible member of society. Man: A pillar of the community, an upright tool of the town, an erection of a citizen, a stiffy of the public. Woman: Yes, I think they got the message. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, no creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Man: Not quite. It's not in a house, there aren't any creatures and it's not at night. Woman: Okay, 'twas 9 am on Christmas Eve morning, But even before the day had been dawning, All round the country little men were preparing, To assist in a time of good will and sharing. Man: They open their hearts as they open their doors, And raise the prices of the goods in their stores. It is a time when blatant capitalism will always persist, Because the Sunday trading laws do not yet exist. Woman: Don't try to stop it, they don't do it for profit. Man: The pull out the stoppers for the good of their shoppers. Woman: So Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Man: The big shop is open, Both: It's a wonderful world. [LX4 DISCO LIGHTING. SX 1 Music: Shopper's Paradise.] [LX5 GENERAL WASH + NARRATORS.] [Scrooge's shop. Various bits and pieces litter the place. A couple of counters, fireplace, seats. Customers milling about the place. Scrooge poking fire.] Scrooge: 13, 14, 15. Mrs P: Mr Scrooge. Mr Scrooge. Scrooge: Oh bloody hell, you made me lose count. Mrs P: I'm ever so sorry Mr Scrooge, but I wonder if you could help me? Scrooge: Yes Mrs Piddlydumplewotsit, what can I do for you? Mrs P: I'm at my wits end Mr Scrooge really I am. Scrooge: That doesn't sound too serious, I've always considered you to be a little witless. Mrs P:(Laughing but not understanding the joke) Ooh no Mr Scrooge, stop it. Now then, my problem is that I'd really like to do something special for my children, what with it being Christmas and all tomorrow. You know, just a happy thought that'll really brighten their day up. Scrooge: I have just the thing. [Gives her a gun] There's one bullet in the chamber already for you. Just pop the barrel up your nose and pull the special Christmas trigger. That'll spread your happy thoughts across the family. On the other hand, you'd better take another bullet just in case you miss. Mrs P: Oh no, I don't think my husband would appreciate that, we've just decorated the living room. Do you have anything else? Scrooge: We do have these cheap, imported, dinosaur novelties with so much lead in the paint it's peeling off. Mrs P: Ooh lovely. These are just what I've been looking for. I've been searching all over the city for dinosaurs. I don't have to tell you how difficult it is to get hold of official Jurassic Park merchandise these days, especially as it's not going to be made for another century. Are you sure that paint is safe? Scrooge: Absolutely. It has to be chewed to be appreciated. Truly brain damaging good. Mrs P: Oh dear, I don't know about that. My children don't have any brains, is that alright? Come to think of it, I don't think I have either. Scrooge: I'm sure they will provide literally minutes of fun for your children. [Starts pushing her out] Mrs P: Thank you Mr Scrooge. A very merry Christmas to you and your moustache, bye. Scrooge: Yes, yes. Hope you die soon. Now where was I? Ah yes. [Returns to fire and starts counting again] [Mrs Crachit on] Mrs C: No Tim, you wait out there in the cold. And I don't want to catch you eating that cat when I get back. Good day Mr Scrooge, and a very merry Christmas to you and yours. Scrooge: A merry Christmas up yours as well. Bugger it, I lost count again. Oh it's you Mrs Crachit, I see you haven't died of rubella yet? Mrs C: No, I'm still hanging on. You know me Mr Scrooge, it takes a lot more than a fatal epidemic to lay me out. Scrooge: I would think a rampant bull overdosing on rhino horn would have trouble laying you out Mrs Crachit. Mrs C: I'm a very tough woman Mr Scrooge. Scrooge: I'd like to see how tough you are against a howitzer. Mrs C: Oh you are a laugh Mr Scrooge. I don't suppose my husband has asked about his Christmas bonus yet has he? A new nib for his pen? Some new skin for his fingers perhaps? Scrooge: I see, the only reason your so full of Christmas spirit is to try and get some more money out of me. It's not bad enough that I give your husband the opportunity of overtime on Christmas day, but you want to rob me of my life savings as well. Mrs C: I hardly think getting paid tuppence an hour is a fitting wage bracket for my husband. Scrooge: Well maybe he should try being a student for a while. Then you'd understand real poverty. Mrs C: Students my arse. They've got an easy life. ["UP YOURS"] Scrooge: Be careful what you say around here, you never know who might be listening. Mrs C: I've got my son to protect me. Scrooge: Tiny Tim? I don't think your undernourished, uniped offspring could protect you from a lethargic attack from a dead squirrel. Not unless he got the first hit. Mrs C: I think you'd be surprised how much better he his Mr Scrooge. It's amazing what liposomes and nutritious milkshakes can do for a person. Scrooge: Next you'll be saying he's not as timid as a mouse any more. Mrs C: With wings for added confidence Mr Scrooge. Scrooge: Oh, shut up you old bag. It's not only Christmas spirit you're full of is it? Mrs C: I'd like to speak to my husband please Mr Scrooge. Scrooge: I'll dock the time you're talking from his wages. [Shouts off stage] Oi, Cat shit! Mrs C: That was one of the typing errors. Scrooge: Oh yes. Oi Crachit, your missis is here. [Scrooge off.] Mrs C: [Shouts at front door] Tim! You stop doing that with that dog. It might have V.D. [Bob on] Bob: Hello dear, I can't talk for too long I'm afraid. Mrs C: Oh yes, that'll be right. Can't spend time talking to your wife can you? Too busy working all the time. Spends thirty seven hours a day at the shop, then sleeps for the other sixteen. What sort of a husband are you that you can't spend a bit of time with the family that loves you? Bob: But you don't love me. You only married me because Tim's father wouldn't. Mrs C: That's beside the point. Where are our presents? Bob: I'm sorry my sweet, but after I give you all of my wages, I have no money left to buy you anything. Mrs C: You selfish bastard. You'll break little Tim's heart. Bob: Can't he get a job to earn some money? He could go down the dockyard, they're always looking for extra ballast for the ships. Mrs C: You want to send my little baby out onto the streets to beg for a few pence because you're not man enough to bring home a decent wage? Bob: He is twenty two with a degree in advanced engineering. Mrs C: Oh, you want him to become a rent boy do you? Send him down to the docks to have his virginal pert buttocks exploited by large greasy sailors? Bob: Not unless you'd rather do it? Mrs C: Right that's it. I've just about enough of you. I'm going to send Tim in here and you can explain to him why he's not going to have a Christmas this year. And I hope his little face breaks your brutish heart. Bob: My sweet please listen. I have no choice. [Mrs C off.] [SX2 Music: My Girl] [UP YOURS] Bob: You're absolutely right. I only say I love her because of Tim. It's not that he'll get upset if we break up, he'll break my neck if we break up. [Tiny Tim On] Bob: What happened to the skinny kid with the bad leg? I hear you cry. Steroids. TT: Daddy, Mummy's been telling me that you're being a naughty boy. Mummy says you're not coming home for Christmas. I don't want to be left Home Alone. Bob: You are not Macauly Culkin. TT: And you are not Bruce Willis, you will not die hard, you will die very easily. Bob: Look, Tiny TT: Mr Tim. Bob: Mr Tim. I work every hour god sends to support you and your mother. If I don't work tomorrow my boss will fire me and take away my livelihood. We as a family, will have nothing. TT: If you are not at home tomorrow with our presents I will remove your manhood, then you as a male will have nothing. Bob: You don't seem to be open to negotiations. TT: It's quite simple, you do what Mummy tells says and you won't have to use my crutches for the rest of your life. Bob: [To audience] Sometimes, talking to this boy is like talking to a brick...shit house. [Mrs C On] Okay, I'll see what I can do. Mrs C: Is everything all right button? TT: Yes Mummy. Bob: Why can't he talk to old Scrooge, and persuade him like he persuades me. TT: Because he scares me. Mrs C: You know Tiny has nasty nightmares after he sees horrible, dirty Scroogy. TT: Mummy! Mrs C: Oh look, he's already shat himself from thinking about him. Bob: Are you sure your brother isn't his father? Mrs C: It's just a family resemblance. Bob: The only family in the world where stupidity is hereditary. Scrooge: [Offstage] Cat shit! If you keep talking any longer you'll be owing me money. TT: Oooh Mummy! Mrs C: He's messed himself again. We'll continue this conversation at home Bob. Bob: Yes dear. Mrs C: Come on Timmy, let's get you home and cleaned up. TT: I feel all squishy in my shorts. [TT and Mrs C Off. Scrooge On] Scrooge: Bob Crachit, you are probably the biggest waste of money I have the misfortune to employ. Bob: Thank you Mr Scrooge, Scrooge: I think I would derive more pleasure reading a copy of PUGWASH than the wages I pay you. Bob: Thank you Mr Scrooge. Scrooge: [Turns to fire] Trying to get my money's worth out of you is like trying to get pissed on the Student Union's McEwans. Bob: Well I think I'd get more job satisfaction if I shagged a female rugby player. Scrooge: What did you say? Bob: Nothing. Scrooge: Oi Crachit, have you nicked a lump of my coal? Bob: No sir, [Dirty Old Man On] Scrooge: Well someone has. I definitely put 23 lumps on here earlier, now there's only 22. This sort of petty pilfering would never have happened if my old partner Marley was still here. Bob: Can I help you sir? DOM: Yerss, I've come about the card in the window. Bob: Yes sir, which one? DOM: Fluffy white pussy cat for sale. Bob: Ah yes. You wish to purchase the cat? DOM: Yerss. Just for the hour, and I shan't pay any more than five pounds because cos it ain't worth it. Scrooge: It comes from a very good home, and it's house trained. DOM: It is a cat then? Bob: Yes. DOM: [Goes to door] "Chest of drawers for sale". Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers please. Bob: It's in the corner there. Very good condition. DOM: It is a chest of drawers. Bob: Yes sir. Scrooge: Is there some sort of trouble sir? DOM: No trouble. [Reads cards] "Babysitter". Babysitter? Bob&Scrooge: Babysitter. DOM: Don't want a babysitter. What sort of a porn shop is this? Scrooge: Probably the best in England. DOM: How did you work that out? Scrooge: Good deals on all products bought and sold. DOM: Specialist products? Scrooge: All kinds. Household goods, toys, jewelry, anything. DOM: So where's all the sex? Bob&Scrooge: Sex? DOM: Porn shop. Bob: No, pawn shop. P. A. W. N. We give money for items and then sell them if we don't get the money back. DOM: Oh. I don't suppose you have any prostitutes for sale then? Scrooge: No. [DOM2 On] DOM2: Excuse me. This is a pawn shop isn't it? Scrooge: Spell it. DOM2: P. A. W. N. Scrooge: Yes. DOM2: How much will you give me for this? [Brings on blow up doll] DOM: I'll give you a fiver for the hour. DOM2: Sold to the man with the stained coat. [DOM & DOM2 skip Off] Bob&Scrooge: What was that all about? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] Bob: I'll say. Scrooge: That's another sale you've lost me Crachit. [Carol Singers On. Sing 'Silent Night'] Scrooge: Fuck off. [Carol Singers Off] Bob: Mr Scrooge, you do know that tomorrow is Christmas don't you? Scrooge: Christmas? Bollocks. Bob: I was wondering, what with it being Christmas and all, if I could get the day off. Perhaps the afternoon. ["UP YOURS"] Scrooge: Quite. Next you'll be asking for a Christmas sub to buy some presents. Bob: Well actually yes. ["UP YOURS"] Bob: Don't encourage him. What will you be doing tomorrow? Scrooge: Working, then counting my money all night. Anyway, what do you want to buy presents for? You don't go throwing gifts around on the birthday of Mrs Rancid next door, so why do you want to go giving presents on Jesus's birthday when you haven't even met the bloke? Bob: But you're absolutely loaded. You earn all this money but never do anything with it. You can't take it with you when you go. But knowing you, you'll have a damn good try. Scrooge: You heartless bastard. Making such remarks so soon after the death of my partner Marley. Bob: At least he didn't work himself to death. He went out with a grin on his face. Scrooge: That was one of the typing errors. Bob: Was it? [Has a look at script] Sorry. He didn't wank himself to death, he went out with a girl on his face. Scrooge: You have no right to talk to me in this fashion, Crachit. You don't know the life I've led. The hardships I've suffered. In fact my life is so bad, I wouldn't be surprised if something nasty happens to me this very night. Bob: You're just being paranoid. Or is he? [Aladdin On] Bob: Hello young lady, how can I help you? Aladdin: Young man. Bob: I beg your pardon? Aladdin: I'm a young man. My name's Aladdin. Bob: Of course you are. How can I help? Aladdin: Well, it's a bit of a long story but basically I need to raise enough money to get my airfare back to my home in the Orient. I want to pawn this gold lamp. Scrooge: Gold? Good afternoon young miss, I am the owner of this establishment and would be proud to serve you personally. Aladdin: Well you can start by stop calling me miss. I'm not a girl. Scrooge: But you've got tits, well sparrows at least. Aladdin: My parents did a lot of hard drugs during the sixties, and it's stunted my growth. Scrooge: That's quite a bit of stunting. Aladdin: How much will you give me? For the lamp. Scrooge: It's a bit tatty. How much do you think it's worth? Aladdin: At least 500 pounds. Scrooge: But what would be in it for me? Aladdin: Some belly button fluff, a pin, three curtain rings and that's about it. Oh except for some sort of ghostly apparition. Scrooge: I'll give you two pounds 63 pence, and a season ticket to Fratton Park. Aladdin: Done. I'll be back to collect it in the morning. One more thing, I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from cleaning it. Scrooge: Why? Aladdin: Oh, no reason really. [Aladdin Off] ["CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE"] Scrooge: What was that? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] Bob: I'll say. [LX6 STAGE FADE OUT. NARRATORS STAY LIT.] Narrators/Man: For the rest of the day, custom was slow. Because of the recession? or because of the snow? Woman: The reason was as clear as the hand on your wrist, They were all down the pub, all getting pissed. Man: With the day's work said and done, Bob goes home to his wife and son, Where he pleads to his wife like a yellow chicken, And Tiny Tim gives him a damn good kicking. Woman: Mr Scrooge, who feels quite old, Goes to bed with lurid thoughts of gold. And being as he is, a dirty tramp, He takes with him, Aladdin's magic lamp. [LX7. GENARAL WASH. Scene: Scrooge's Bedroom. Bed (obviously), chair by door] [Scrooge On holding lamp] Scrooge: Cor. Yur. Yum. Lurvly. The sexy smell of dirty gold. I think I might have a quick rub. Then I might clean up the lamp after. [Noise of scraping and rattling chains] Who's that? Who's out there? I'm warning you, I'm armed. I've got a big chopper in here and I'm not afraid to use it. Marley: Oooooooh! Woooooo! Scrooge: Crachit? Is that you? I'm not going to let you have tomorrow off. And bring me some tissues in here. Marley: Whoa! Hoooweeee. Scrooge! Scrooge: Marley? It can't be. Aaargh! [Marley On] Marley: Oooooeeee! This is serious shit Scrooge. There is nothing like an afterlife reefer. Scrooge: Aaargh! There's a living dead in my bedroom. Marley: No man, there's a spliffing dead in your bedroom. Have a blast on this stuff Scrooge and chill. Scrooge: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Marley: Hey rude boy, you're sucking the oxygen out of the room and putting out me joint. Stoppit or I'll, I'll. Scrooge: You'll what? Haunt me forever? Marley: I'll have to light another. Scrooge: What do you want Marley? Marley: You're a raas bamber claat, Scrooge. This is a warning. Scrooge: On the hazards of drug taking. Marley: No man. The hazards of being an oonling wassit wassit. Scrooge: A what? Marley: You're a bad boy Scrooge. You're going to have a visitation. Tree ghosts are going to come at midnight and kick your butt into shape. Scrooge: But what's wrong with my butt? Marley: You're a miserable git Scrooge. And you fuck up everybody's lives. Scrooge: You've got to help me Marley. How can I stop them coming to get me? Marley: One chance, change now. Chill, relax, take it easy and enjoy your life. Scrooge: How? [LX8.DISCO LIGHTING. SX 3 Music: BoomShackaLak.] [LX9 RESTORE] Marley: It was worth a try. You got no natural rhythm Scrooge. You have been warned. By the way, here's your coal, you cannot take it with you. Respect you wassit wassit rude boy bamber claat. [Marley Off] Scrooge: That Marley, he's a great bloke but I never could understand a bloody word he said. Oh no, it's just my luck that I'd get in trouble with the afterlife before I get there. What can I do? I could go and see the welfare sabbaticals, they've always got a kind word and good advice. No, I know, I'll do a runner. Where can I go where ghosts won't be able to find me? I could hide in the student union offices, no one goes up there. That's too dangerous. Oh woe, what can I do? [SMOKE. SX 4 Music. Jeanie On] Jeanie: Poo. What's that smell? Scrooge: Aaaargh! You're not supposed to be here for another two hours. Jeanie: Has someone been skinning up in here? Powerful hash. Scrooge: Who are you? Jeanie: I'm Jeanie and you released me from that magic lamp. Who are you and where's that little boy with the oversized mammaries? Scrooge: He pawned you. Jeanie: Does that mean I'm a prostitute now? Scrooge: We've already done that joke. Jeanie: Sorry, but I thought I'd heard all the jokes before. Well, who are you? Scrooge: My names Scrooge, Ebeneezer Scrooge. [LX 9 DISCO LIGHTING. SX5 Music: Ebeneezer Goode. Mr C On. ] LX10 RESTORE Scrooge: Not Goode, I said Ebeneezer Scrooge. Mr C: Oh god. Sorry. Sorry everybody. Don't do drugs kids, they really screw you up. You can be sure of it. Jeanie: What was that? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] I'll say. Scrooge: You'll get used to it after a while. So are you a real life Genie with magic and all that? Jeanie: Yep, I can produce rabbits out of places you never knew existed, it's quite a sight. And I can grant you three wishes. As long as they're not dirty. Scrooge: I only want one wish. Can you make me travel through time to tomorrow so I miss the ghosts tonight? Jeanie: Yeah, no problem. The only thing is that the journey will take a bit of time. We will have to take a complicated route through a series of alternate timelines and different dimensions, something like trying to get your bar card sorted out at the beginning of the year. Scrooge: And you do know this route? Jeanie: It's all on this complex map of the universe's time continuum. Scrooge: How does it work? Jeanie: There are key points in every time line that can be penetrated if you are magical. The map shows each specific location and the exact time at which we will appear. What we have to ensure is that we don't cross our path more than once or we will meet ourselves. Scrooge: Meet ourselves? Jeanie: Yes, as I said, as we enter each point at a specific time, if we were to re enter that point, it would be at that specific time again. Scrooge: So? Jeanie: It could destroy all life as we know it. Scrooge: Well looking at this lot we could be doing the universe a favour, but I suppose we owe it to ourselves. Let's go. [LX 11 Amazing special effects as they go (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 6 TARDIS] [LX 12 GENERAL WASH] [Ghost of Christmas Present On] Present: Awoooo! Hoooooo! Scroooge! Scroooge! Scroooge! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooge. Tremble in fear as I...Scrooge? Where the bloody hell has he got to? I don't seem to be able to locate him in this realm. [Pulls out portable phone] Hello? Yes it's me. Something's gone wrong, you'd better get down here straight away. Yeah, bring the other one as well, and tell the wife to take the brussels off, this could take some time. [Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future On] Past: What's the problem? Can't you scare him? Let me have a crack. Woooo! Wooo! Hang on, he's not here. Present: Oh, you noticed did you? Future: Where is he then? Present: I don't know. He isn't anywhere in this reality at the moment. Future: Well I've got my part sorted out in the future and he's there then. Past: And I've made sure he's present in the past. So it looks like it's your problem, now. Present: If he isn't here now though, how can you do your bits in a minute? So it's all our problem. Future: Hey, look here. There's a temporal reality warp anomaly. Present: Oh yes, so there is. He must have legged it through that. Past: Do we go after him then? Present: Absolutely, we've got jobs to do. Past: I remember the good old days when haunting was easy. Future: You're always living in the past you are. Present: Let's go to work. [LX 13 Amazing special effects as they go (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 7 TARDIS] [LX 13 GENERAL WASH] [Aladdin On] Aladdin: I've got your money Mr Scrooge. Can I have my lamp back? Mr Scrooge? Oh bugger. [At absolutely no expense, the effect is used again. ] [LX 14 Amazing special effects as they go (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 8 TARDIS] [LX 15 NARRATORS LIT ONLY] Narrator/Man: The plot thus far is admittedly weak, Suffice to say that Scrooge was right up shit creek. There he sailed without steering or paddle, And thought his best move was of that to skidaddle. Woman: The only way he was able to flee, Was via the assistance of an obliging genie. And now three ghosts have joined in the chase, To get hold of Scrooge and punch in his face. Man: Scrooge finds himself in a new situation, A trip to a strange dimensional location. Woman: Personally speaking I don't give a stuff, I'm thoroughly bored and I've had quite enough. Rhyming may be alright for some, But it's really getting right up my....arse. Man: Bum. Do it properly. Woman: Alright. His shit creek boat may have at last found some sails, As his first port of call is the land of fairy tales. [LX 15 ADD GENERAL WASH] [Scene: Cinderella something.] [Scrooge On] Scrooge: Where are we Jeanie? [Jeanie On] Jeanie: Well Sam, Ziggy says we're in Fairyland. This is the home of Cinderella, her step mother and step sisters. Scrooge: Who's Sam? Who's Ziggy? Jeanie: It's okay Sam, don't panic. I know what's happening, every time we leap, you're going to suffer memory blanks. Scrooge: I think you're suffering from some kind of blank, brain blank. Jeanie: You're here to help Cinderella by removing her step family from the scene. Scrooge: What's the matter with you Jeanie? Snap out of it. [Marje StepMother on] Step: Eeek! There's a strange man in the house. Probably come to rape and kill us all. Set the dogs loose. Scrooge: Jeanie, help. Jeanie: Don't forget Sam, you're the only one who can hear or see me. Scrooge: What? Who says? Step: You'd better go now before my animals get here, they're killers. Sic him girls. [Ugly Sisters On] Granvil: Look sister, an unprotected male. Clover: I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll eat you all up. Scrooge: Aaaargh! Shag monsters! Step: Girls, heel! Tell me what you're doing here. Scrooge: Jeanie? Step: Marjory. Scrooge: What? Jeanie: They can't hear or see me. Scrooge: What? Step: My name's not Jeanie. Scrooge: I was talking to her. Step: Talking to who? Jeanie: They can't hear or see me. You look like you're talking to yourself. Scrooge: Why? Step: Because I'm the one with the bitches on heat, so you answer my questions. Scrooge: Help! ["CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE"] Step: What was that? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] Gran&Clo: I'll say. Scrooge: This is my story. Jeanie: They couldn't get a song for this bit. Scrooge: That was my story. Step: Er, very interesting. So you're really rich are you? Sorry girls, this one's mine. Gran: Bloody hell. Clo: I haven't had a shag for hours. Step: Look around you Scrooge, does this look like a suitable way of life for a hard working, decent woman of the community? Scrooge: Yes. Step: Exactly. I'm just like you. Miserable, nasty, petty, and a generally unpleasant individual to be around. Clo: It's true. She's very unpleasant. Gran: She eats her bogies. Clo: She eats my bogies. Gran: And she wipes her arse. Scrooge: What's wrong with that? Clo: On the carpet. Step: Take me with you Scrooge and I'll eat your bogies. Scrooge: Yeah alright then. Clo: Mother, what about us? Gran: You can't orphanise us now. Jeanie: Sam. If you take all of them, Cinderella's life will be saved and we can leap out of here. Scrooge: They can come with us, and we can be one big happy family. Gran&Clo: Daddy! Gran: Bounce me on your knee. Clo: Bath me. Gran: I've been naughty, spank me. Clo: Give me oral sex. Scrooge: Let's go. Jeanie: You've done it Sam. You've changed history, now Cinderella goes to the Prince's ball in a shabby dress that a bunch of rodents made her. The Prince shuns her advances and she kills herself. Scrooge: Oh, do shut up. [Super dazzling special effect that the audience just can't get enough of] [LX 16 Amazing special effect (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 9 TARDIS] [LX 17 GENERAL WASH] [Ghosts On] Present: Well he was here a minute ago. Future: How can he just keep slipping through realities? Present: He must be getting help of a magical nature. Past: This is just ridiculous. If he has got help we're going to be continuously one step behind him all the way. What we need is somebody magical as well. Someone like Paul Daniels. Present: And the lovely Debbie Magee. Future: And to find out where they're going to be next. Present: You're the ghost of Christmas future, surely you can foresee where they are going to be. Future: Only in one specific timeline. Past: Don't lecture us about time travel anyway. We know what we can and cannot do. You're just a cacky ghost who can only see what's been going on around him, not what has happened or what's going to happen. Future: Yeah. Present: Cacky ghost, huh? That does it. [Pres and Past square off with fists clenched] Pres&Past: 1, 2, 3. [Play 'Paper, Scissors, Rock' game. Both show rocks. Do it three times. Future steps in.] Pres&Fut: 1, 2, 3. [Both show paper. Future waves hand in Presents face and flicks him in the throat] Pres&Fut: 1, 2, 3. [Both show scissors. Present pokes Future's eyes. Past pulls Future out of the way and goes to hit present. Slaps Future instead. Present hits Past in stomach, Future hits Past on head] Present: Now cut it out. We've got to concentrate on the job in hand. [Past and Future look at their hands. Present slaps them across their faces] Now shape up. [Fairy God Mother On. SMOKE] Fairy: Fear not Cinders, you shall go to the ball. Future: Who are you? Fairy: I am your Fairy God Mother Cinders, and I have come to help you in your hour of need. Future: Who's Cinders? Past: She's probably that strumpet in the patchwork quilt we past back there. Future: The one singing "I'm going to the ball, I'm going to the ball"? Present: What a load of balls. You've missed her dear. She's already gone. Fairy: She can't of. Her step mother stops her, and I have to do some magic to help her. Future: Sorry lady, there's no one here but us ghosts. Fairy: Where's Cinderella's step family? Future: We're from a different dimension. Fairy: Where did you come from? Future: Some geezer's done a bunk and we're trying to get him back. Fairy: What are you doing here? Future: Sorry, sorry. I appear to be getting ahead of myself again. Fairy: Why are you answering my questions before I ask them? Future: [Twitches] Sorry, sorry. I appear to be getting ahead of myself again. Fairy: I see what's happened, the man you're chasing has taken Cinderella's family with him. This could have dire consequences on the whole of time and spacial continuity. Present: And Christ alone knows how Dickens is going to explain all this. Past: I think he'll probably leave this stuff out actually. Fairy: They must have a map of some sorts to plan their way through the reality cosmos. If we could get hold of a copy of this map then we could get ahead of them and catch them before they do too much damage. Future: I've just had a pucker plan. Why don't I go forward in time to when Scrooge comes back to his proper reality, get the map and bring it back here. Fairy: Is that possible? Future: Yeah, no worries. I'll be back in a minute. [Excellent special effect that Steven Spielberg would be jealous of.] LX 18 Amazing special effect (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 10 TARDIS] [LX 19 GENERAL WASH] [Every one on stage for curtain call, Future walks up to Jeanie and snatches map] Future: Thanks very much. [Zoom, pow, whoosh as the DeLorean reaches 88 mph and we return to the previous scene.] [LX 20 Amazing special effect (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 11 TARDIS] [LX 21 GENERAL WASH] Future: There you go. It's quite an impressive ending as well. Fairy: Is it anything to do with combine harvesters? Future: 'Fraid not. Fairy: When do they come out? Future: Tomorrow. Fairy: I see where they've gone. There's a new bypass opened here and we can cut them off there. Present: Well let's go. Past: Oh no! I hate spaceships. [KRAKACHOOOOM! You know what I mean] [LX 22 Amazing special effects as they go (WHITE OUT) THEN B/O] [SX 12 TARDIS] [LX 23 GENERAL WASH] [Aladdin On] Aladdin: Mr Scrooge? Hello? Bugger. [Boom! Kapow! Shazam! [LX 24 FADE STAGE TO BLACK. NARRATORS LIT.] Narrator/Man: Scrooge has once again turned and fled, With a group of girls who'd give him head. You may think a foursome would be every man's wish, But these girls are ugly and smell of fish. Woman: The Christmas ghosts once more appear, And say they're fed up of bringing up the rear. They overtake with a fairy's pact, And won't be reseen until the next act. Man: Dimensional jaunting's not so simple, as we will find, For the first little trip has fucked Jeanie's mind. The first signs of insanity begin to creep, She believes she's in an episode from Quantum Leap. Woman: What new delusions will this poor girl now suffer, As they enter the world of a boy and his mother. They rent out nice rooms at reasonable rates, In a small motel with the name of Bates. [Bates Motel reception. Norman with Mother in corner of room.] [LX 25 ADD GENERAL WASH] Norman: Yes mother. No Mother. Yes. I'll do it after I get the shopping. No, no and three times no. [Janet On] Norman: Just a minute mother, we have a customer. Janet: Poo, what's that smell? Somewhat indicative of rotting flesh and long term decaying bodies. Norman: It's mother. It's her time of the month. How can I help you? Janet: I am currently undergoing a very long journey to visit some relatives over the other side of the country. What with it being a surprise visit, I am travelling by myself and unprotected. As an added bonus of coincidence nobody knows I am here. Whilst undergoing my extensive (and I might add rather foolish) excursion, it has come to pass that my car broke down during a period of navigation via a dark, long, narrow and uninhabited short cut. Somewhat fortuitously I noticed your establishment situated at the end of a small and desolate roadway. I also noticed a distinct lack of telegraph poles in this area therefore making calls for assistance in the unlikely event of breaking down or even psychopathic attacks completely impossible. Norman: Those very details of which you have commented on have been mentioned by a large number of my previous guests and add character to a building of this nature. Janet: It therefore comes to pass that since I have no means of transport, communication or self defence, I am looking to you to take pity on me and rent me a room. If you have one free. Norman: It just so happens that you have caught a time in my seasonal bookings when I have absolutely no customers what so ever. Janet: Goodness, what a coincidence. [Both laugh falsly] Janet: So even if the million to one chance of you being a mentally ill individual should arise, and if you should want to attack me (although Lord alone knows why), then I could not even rely on assistance from the other guests who may find your behaviour odd and become suspicious of your actions and attention towards me. Norman: Quite. So it's a room you require? Janet: Yes please. One conveniently close but also slightly obscured by dense forestry to give it an ominous glow as the moon shines through the branches. Norman: I think room thirteen would suit you perfectly. Janet: Does it also have large windows to display suspicious shadows of midnight prowlers against the curtains? Norman: Yes. And I also carry a spare key of that exact room for no apparent reason. Janet: I suppose it could be your lucky number. [Both laugh again] Norman: Quite. There's your key and I hope you have a pleasant night's sleep. Janet: And I hope to still be around to see the day break. [Both laugh] [Janet Off] Mother: Norman? Norman: Yes mother? Mother: I saw the way you were looking at that girl. Norman: What way? Mother: In the way that you wanted to fuck her brains out. Norman: No mother. It's not true. Mother: Don't lie to your mummy Norman. You know what you must do? Norman: Fuck her brains out? Mother: No! Hang her from the light fittings by her own intestines. Norman: Yes mother. Mother: Wait, I haven't finished yet. Suck her eyeballs out with a sink plunger. Extract her teeth with a pair of pliers and make her eat her own buttocks, and don't make a mess like last time. Put plastic sheets down or something. Norman: Yes mother. [Scrooge and Co. On] Jeanie: Sam, Ziggy says we're going to have to stay here the night until we can leap again. Scrooge: Are you sure you don't want to lie down for a while Jeanie. Step: If you want to call me Jeanie I don't mind. And yes, I would like to lie down for a while. With you. Scrooge: Oh no. Granvil: Ooh look, he's quite cute. Clover: In a sort of deranged, maniac, stab you in the shower and probably a few other places too type way. Jeanie: Ziggy says his name is Norman Bates. He owns the motel and is going to kill one of the women here. Scrooge: One of the women here? Jeanie: No, one of the women staying at the motel. The one we passed outside. Scrooge: If I asked him nicely would he kill one of the women here? Jeanie: Probably, he's a psycho. Norman: Can I help you people at all? Bwah ha ha ha har. Step: We'd like two rooms for the night please. Norman: Just sign the register here. Shut up mother can't you see I'm assisting these nice people. [Sign register] Norman: Here are your keys sir. Enjoy your stay. We don't include breakfast in the price because there's never any call for it. Scrooge: Thank you. Step: Come on Scroogypoos. Jeanie: Sam, your room is next door to the intended victim. You'll have to stay awake all night to check nothing happens. Scrooge: That's not a problem, I can stay up all night. Step: Oh Scrooge, boasting will get you everywhere. [Scrooge, Step & Jeanie Off] Clover: So, what's your name sweet stuff? Norman: N.N.N.N.Norm. Norman. Norman No Mates. Clover: Why are you called that? Norman: Because I killed them all. Mother: Norman? Norman: Shut up mother, I'm on the pull. Granvil: Is that your mother? She didn't say a word. Norman: You didn't hear her? Clo&Gran: No. Norman: Can you smell her? Mother: Of course they can't hear me. I'm dead and you're mad. Nothing: Oh yeah, that's right. So what are your names, you foxy chicks. Clover: Clover. Norman: Why? Granvil: Because she spreads easily, straight from the fridge. My name's Granvil. Norman: Why Granvil? Clover: Because she's open all hours. So do you fancy a bit then? Norman: Oh yes. But these bugs keep eating my eyes. Granvil: If our names bother you, you could always call us something else. A pet name if you like. Norman: Okay. I'll call you Rover. Clover: No, she means a cute name, like Pumpkin, or Bunny, or Lollipop. Norman: My refrigerator keeps screaming at me. Lollipop. Lollipop. Lollilollilollipop. Yes. [SX 13 Music: My Girl Lollipop] Norman: I'll tell you what girls, why don't we have a house hold of three in the shower? Clo&Gran: A what? Norman: A menage a trois. Clo&Gran: Excellent. Norman: Just go straight through there girls and I'll join you in a second. [Clover & Granvil Off] Mother: Norman? Norman: Yes mother? Mother: I saw the way you looked at those girls. What are you going to do about it? Norman: Oh do shut up you decomposing old bint. I'm going to kill them okay? Mother: Calm down. I only asked. [Norman Off. Scrooge and Step On] Scrooge: Will you please leave me alone? Step: But Scrooge, I'm madly in love with you. Don't ask me why, it's just some foolish thing that happens to a girl only once in her life. A feeling that makes her throw caution to the wind and dive right in at the deep end lest she misses out on a moment of frivolous foolishness. ["UP YOURS"] Scrooge: Well said. I'm not interested. All I want is separate rooms. Step: All I want is another baby. Come to me lover. Insert your penis into my vagina and inseminate my seed. Scrooge: Beleugh. Step: It's the facts of life. [Step chases Scrooge around room. Crash into Mother and knock her to the floor] Scrooge: Bloody hell, she's dead. We've killed her. Norman: [Offstage] Mother? I've done it. Scrooge: You sit in her seat and pretend to be his mum. I'll hide the body. Step: Only on one condition. Marry me. ["UP YOURS"] Scrooge: Not now. Yes, okay, anything. [Scrooge drags Mother behind counter. Norman On] Norman: And I made them swallow their own kidneys. Step: Er, well done Norman. Norman: Aaargh! Mother, you're alive? Step: Yes. Of course I am. Norman: I must be mad. Stop eating my feet. Maybe I was mad before, when I thought she was dead and now I'm sane because she's alive. Maybe I'm even more mad now by thinking she's alive when I know she was dead and thought she was alive. But that's far too complicated, let us just say that I am sane because mother is now alive. Spin cycle! Spin cycle! Spin cycle! Step: Oh you poor darling. Scrooge, we'll have to take him with us, adopt him as our child. ["UP YOURS"] Scrooge: Too bloody right up yours missis. He's a confirmed psychopath. What good is he to man or beast? Norman: Mother, I have a confession. I'm afraid I killed your daughters. Scrooge: Son. Norman: Daddy. Step: Now we're a proper family aren't we? Scrooge: For now. Yes. [Jeanie On] Jeanie: Well done Sam, she doesn't get killed. Alfred Hitchcock doesn't write the book, he doesn't become famous and dies of a severe coronary because he was a fat old git, and we don't have to pretend to be upset when Anthony Perkins dies. Prepare to leap. Norman: She's as nutty as me. Scrooge: More so. I wonder where we'll end up this time. [SX14 Music: Super Marioland. Whizz, bang everybody screams.] [LX 26 STAGE FADE TO BLACK. NARRATORS LIT] Narrator/Man: Act 1 has come and gone, No one's sure of what is going on. It's been decreed for sanity's sake To have a twenty minute break. Woman: Save your breath, save your cheers. Go and buy a few more beers. All this shit will soon sink in, As soon as I down a double gin. [Alladin On] Alladin: Oh this is just getting ridiculous. [LX 27 BLACK OUT] ACT II [LX 28 SPOT STAGE RIGHT] [Dickens On] Dickens: Good day, hello, good eve to you all. It would give me the greatest of pleasurements to introduce myself to your good selves. You have no doubt observed, unless your brain is a cauliflower, that my method of walking and tongue of speech are neither to your taste nor of your time. However, this Charles Dickens, the...me, as I am he, would like to persue a little friendly intercourse with my audience. Last decade, I heard at a gathering of the Dead Writers Society, that a literary crime, a lexicographic murder, a travesty was to take place upon this stage, this very night. My masterpiece was to be peppered with obscenity, drivel, and historical inaccuracy. However, I have taken time to peruse a scripture of the piece. A gentleman with a large nose assured me that they were the words to be spoken tonight. I assure you that this evening's spectacle will be one of pure delight, of Dickensian magic. A classic Christmas treat. I shall not return. Good night and enjoy. [Dickens Off.] [LX 29 ADD GENERAL WASH] [SX 15 Music: Market song from Muppets. Teddies and things dance on stage. Dickins comes back on and kicks teddies Off] Dickens: I demand to say a few words to my agent. [He storms Off] Narrator/Man: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back, To our humble production of a pile of cack. Act two is starting and I'm proud to admit, That I'm thoroughly pissed and don't give a shit. Woman: I completely agree with my colleague here, As you can see we've been downing the beer. As for the play that never quite ends, Scrooge is back, and he's found some more friends. [Betty Ford clinic. Scrooge, Jeanie, Norman, Elvis, Mario, Sonic] Elvis: Wow man, that was cool. Do it again. Scrooge: We can't Elvis. Not until Jeanie says so. Elvis: Wuhuhuh. Thank you very much. Jeanie: Sam, we've leapt into the Betty Ford Clinic. We can't stay long. What I suggest is that we leave Mario and Sonic here to dry up. All these years that Mario has spent on those funny mushrooms has sent him a bit funny in the head. Mario: Loosely in my eye with Neil Diamond. Colours colours everywhere. Daisy. Ohhhh yeah, going super Mario now. Hey I can fly. Oh oh oh oh oh fire breathing turtles. Scrooge: And Sonic can say goodbye to those days of constant speeding now as well. Sonic: Too slow, too slow. Everything's going tooo slow. Gotta move, gotta go. Rave on, techno, techno, techno, techno. Doctor Robotnik, I'm coming for you. Gimme another chaos crystal quickly. [Two men in white drag off Mario and Sonic] Scrooge: What about Elvis here? Elvis: Whuhuhu. Thank you very much. Jeanie: He doesn't exist in this time line so he'll just have to go a bit further with us. Scrooge: And those two? Jeanie: We can leave them if you want? Scrooge: No, I've decided I quite like them. [SX 16 Music: I Love to see you smile] Jeanie: Scrooge is in love. Elvis: I feel a song coming on. Scrooge: Let's go. Elvis: Weeeell, It's [LX 31 SPECIAL EFFECT WHITE OUT AND THEN BLACK OUT. I haven't run out of amusing things to keep saying for it. I just can't be bothered any more] [SX 17 TARDIS] [SX 18 Music: Star Trek Theme with Voice Over + MIC] Voice: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's five year mission, to have endless reruns and spin offs. To allow personality redundant anorak wearers the opportunity to pretend they have a life. To finally group them altogether under one roof and wipe the bastards out with one fell swoop. [Kirk and crew on] [LX 32 GENERAL WASH] Kirk: Captain's log. [Pulls out fake dog shit] Sulu, Give me our position. Sulu: We're here Captain, facing front, you're standing, we're sitting. Kirk: No, I mean give me a heads up display. [Crew stick their heads up in the air] Kirk: Sulu, give me a rear view. Sulu: Yes Captain Kirk: Spock! What's Uranus doing on the screen. Spock: I'm sorry Captain, I was just trying out our on board endoscope [Removes tube from back of trousers] Kirk: What's that? Is that the rings of Saturn? Sulu: No Captain, that's the ring of Chekhov. Chekhov: Sorry Captain, I was testing it too. Kirk: Bones, get up here and remove these endoscopes from the bridge immediately. Uhura: Captain? I'm picking up some strange signals. Kirk: Put them over the speakers Uhura. Uhura: Patching them through now Captain. [Some cacky Ents announcement with beer promotion] Uhura: What can it mean Captain? [Bones on] Bones: Jim, there's some strange sort of space virus that's spreading throughout the ship. It's turning everyone into dead comedians. Kirk: Does that mean my entire crew is going to collapse on stage. Bones: It's a possibility. Kirk: Can you cure it Bones? Bones: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a...doctor. I've got fifty members of crew in the medical wing who think they are Tommy Cooper. Kirk: But how did it happen? Bones: Jus like that. [Bones Off] Kirk: Bridge to engineering, Scotty. Scotty: [Offstage] You cannae push it any faster cap'n. Kirk: Sulu, how are you feeling? Sulu: Ha hey! [Wiggles a pair of glasses on his nose the slaps the person sitting next to him around the cheeks] Kirk: Spock! You've got to help. Spock: Ooh no missis. Kirk: Chekhov? Chekhov: [Has beret and granny specks on] Mary had a little lamb, she had no shame nor regrets. She fed it rizlas and her drugs, so it shat rolled up cigarettes. Kirk: Uhura? Uhura: I feel fine Captain. Kirk: Thank goodness. Uhura: In fact I feel quite tattifilarious. Kirk: Noooo! Wait a minute, Ken Dodd isn't dead. Uhura: I know Captain, but it brings a smile to my face to think that one day... Kirk: Scotty. Scotty: [Offstage] Who's on first base. Kirk: I don't know, who is on first base? Scotty: That's right, Who is the person's name on first base. Kirk: Scotty, I just said I don't know. Who is on first base? Scotty: Yes. What is the person's name on second base. Kirk: Abbot and Costello! Aaaargh! [Ghosts and Fairy on] Pres: He's very close, I can feel him. Past: But is he on board the space ship? Pres: I think so. Future: You're bloody useless you are. Pres: Oh yeah? Right. [Present grabs Future's nose. Future pulls Present's ears then stamps on his foot] Kirk: Three Stooges! Aaaargh! Past: What's the matter with him? Kirk: The disease has now got to me too. I appear to be having strange hallucinations of self importance and glory like that comedian...er what's his name? Spock: Harry Secombe. Kirk: Dick Emery. Uhurah: Excuse me captain, but isn't a dick emery what you file your knob down with? Spock: Actually Captain, I believe he was a twentieth century president of the airfix modellers club. Kirk: No I mean Kevin Keegan. Sulu: He's not a comedian either. Kirk: Well, he makes me laugh. [Bones ON] Bones: Jim, look what I've just found. It's a glass eye. I found it in your quarters. Kirk: I recognise that, it belongs to my new girlfriend. Bones: You know what this means. Kirk: Yes. All: It's the Captain's bird's eye. [Birdseye On & Off] All: What was that? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] All: I'll say. [Each crew member leaves the bridge one at a time] Fairy: I don't understand it, they should be here, now. Their position might be slightly different due to us coming in from a different direction. Future: So what do we do now? Fairy: We can either search the whole ship or take the final step back to your reality and put everything back to normal then. Past: I hate space ships. Fairy: Well, let's go to tomorrow then. [LX 33 SPECIAL EFFECT WHITE AND THEN BLACK OUT.] [SX 19 TARDIS] [LX 34 NARRATORS LIT] Narrator/Man: Iggle aggle iggle aggle, Waddle waddle when. The fairy and ghosts try their hardest, But fuck it up again. Woman: Oodleardy oodleardy, Foddle doddle dool. If you're wondering where Scrooge is, He's hiding behind the wall. [LX 35 ADD GENERAL WASH] [Set has been turned backwards. Every one goes through the motions.] [Scrooge, Jeanie, Step, Norman, Elvis On] Jeanie: This is the last leap before we get home again. Scrooge: Thank god for that. Maybe we'll start getting some sense out of you then. Step: Where are we love lumps? Jeanie: Ziggy says we're on a space ship in the middle of space. Scrooge: We're in a French toilet. Norman: I've never done it in a toilet before. Scrooge: What? Norman: I usually shit in the guests' suitcases. Elvis: I've got a complaint. How come I'm the only character that is a singer, and I don't get the chance to sing? Scrooge: You can sing later. Elvis: Wuhuhuh. Thank you very much. [Bones On] Bones: What are you people doing here? Report to the medical wing immediately for tests. [Walks on to bridge] Jim! Step: The French have medical wings in their toilets these days then? Scrooge: It's just in case you catch something off the toilet seats. [George On] George: Stay right where you are or I'll scream. Who are you and what are you doing on this ship. Scrooge: We're from another dimension and we've just popped in on our way home. George: You're all dimensional travellers? All: Yeah. George: Take me with you. Step: Why do you want to leave here? George: Look at the colour of my sweat shirt, it's only a matter of time before I get picked for one of their stupid missions just so I can get killed instead of one of the main characters. They haven't even given me a phaser, they said there wouldn't be any point. [Bones walks back out] Scotty: You cannae push it any faster cap'n. Bones: I went to the doctors the other day, I said "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." and he said "Well don't do it then." [Bones Off] Sulu: Ha hey! George: And now they've got this disease spreading throughout the ship. I don't want to become a dead comedian. Step: Why does he keep calling this thing a ship? Scrooge: It's French for toilet. [Ghosts and Fairy on Set] Jeanie: Sam, I'm picking up some strange magical disturbances that could upset our next leap. Scrooge: We should leave quickly then. Jeanie: As soon as possible. [Bones On] Bones: Aye aye. [Goes on to set] Scrooge: Jeanie, this final leap will takes back to my shop on Christmas Day, won't it? Jeanie: Absolutely Sam. Scrooge: That means I've missed those ghosts, and I can carry on being a miserable git. All on set: It's the Captain's bird's eye. [Birdseye On] All: What was that? ["OUTRAGEOUS"] All: I'll say. [Each crew member passes this scene one at a time in the same manner they left the bridge] George: Oh no, this must mean the entire crew has contracted the comedians disease. I am undone. Fie! Fie! Fie! Scrooge: There's no need to start getting all Shakespearian on us. We're leaving now. Elvis: Say, my wife's just gone to the West Indies. Step: Did she go of her own accord? Scrooge: Things never seem to get any easier around here. [LX 36 SPECIAL EFFECT. WHITE OUT THEN BLACK OUT ] [SX 20 TARDIS] [LX 37 NARRATORS LIT] Narrator/Man: Oh yeah. I see. You want us to do our bit now do you. Well, up yours ["UP YOURS"] Up yours ["UP YOURS"] Up yours ["UP YOURS"] Come on then! I'll do the lot of you. You slags. Woman: Calm down. Man: I love you. I really do. Woman: I love you too, but we'd better get this out of the way first. Behold the scene, the final stop. Scrooge has arrived back at his shop. "I'm safe at last," he wrongly thinks, Now let's buy another round of drinks. [LX 38 ADD GENERAL WASH] [Bedroom.] [TT On] TT: Mummy Wow! I'm a big kid now. [Mrs C On] Mrs C: Honestly TimmyWimmy, how many times have I told you to throw your used ones away. That's the seventeenth cold you've had this week. I've never known any one to blow their nose as much. I'll have to order another cart load of tissues. TT: Nightnight mummy. Sorry mummy. Mrs C: Oh don't worry yourself, mummy's not angry. I'll tell you one of my special night time rhymes. TT: Oh yes mummy, can I have Dave the Hampsters special trip. I haven't heard that one since last night. Mrs C: Alright then, you settle down to sleep because I don't want to hear you fidgeting under the covers all night again. There once was a gentleman who's name we know not He found himself in a rather awkward spot The press gangs were out, doing their stuff And to run away was simply not enough They are all well known to you and me They hijack men to sail the seas The moon was out, the tide was high He saw them from the corner of his eye They grabbed his legs and turned him on his head For all intents and purposes he considered himself dead Before his eyes his life started to pass As they pulled down his trousers and bared his arse. They stuffed a toilet roll up his bum They seemed to be having a lot of fun A hamster came into his gaze They said the rodent's name was Dave "Join up" they said, "Or we'll have to try, Our torture methods that'll make you cry" To their surprise he said, "I won't" But then a lump came to his throat They put the hamster in the tube And up his bum it began to move Higher and higher the furball went Loosening up his anal vent The poor man, he dared not flinch For fear of killing Dave within a rectal clinch They lit a match to find Dave's location Just as the man tried to shift Dave via flatulation The match lit the gases, and the man thought he might die As the flames roared up his crinkly brown eye The explosion shot Dave out across the street Knocking an old man off of his feet The press gang ran as the flames rose higher They thought he might set the whole town on fire Our hero whimpered as he hit the ground For his ring piece had turned a barbecue brown The press gang's plans to make him fight Had been foiled by his curry the previous night The old man sat up, his nose had been broken Dave scurried off startled and smoking As he ran, he vowed there and then Never to be used as a tampon again. Good night Timmy. [LX 39 FADE TO STAGE RIGHT SPOTS] [Bob On] Bob: Hello dear, I've had a real bitch of a day at work today. Scrooge has really got it in for me. Mrs C: What time of the bloody late evening do you call this. Timmy was waiting up specially for his good night punch daddy in the face. Your dinner would have been ruined if I'd bothered making you any, and you could have at least phoned to say you'd be late if phones had been invented. Sometimes I don't know why I bother, and sometimes I don't know why I bother to not bother. You think you've had a hard day, I suppose you think it's easy sitting on my plump, cellulite ridden arse all day watching Richard and Judy. Well I've got news for you... Bob: Merry Christmas my sweet, I'm going back to work. Mrs C: Just you wait one second, I haven't finished with you. [Bob and Mrs C Off. Bob Screams] [LX 40 FADE TO BLACK] [LX 41 GENERAL WASH] [Shop.] [Crachit On crutches] Bob: Hello? Mr Scrooge? Sorry I'm late but I had to spend some quality time with the family. Hello? [To audience] Strange, he doesn't seem to have opened up yet. That's not like Mr Scrooge at all. He must have had an accident, he probably had a nasty fall during the night and can't get near a telephone to make one last desperate call for help. He's probably lying on the floor right now, dying from exhaustion and can't raise the energy to shout out and alert a passer by. He's lying there, gasping his last few breaths as the cold of the night bites at his weary, arthritic joints. He could well be choking on his own vomit as we speak. Old people are such frail creatures during the winter months, and we should all do our best to keep an eye on them to make sure they're safe. I think I might just pop out for a breath of fresh air for a couple of minutes. And get some help of course. [Scrooge and gang On. Scrooge kicks Crachit's crutches.] Scrooge: Ah Crachit you hippopotamus foreskin scraping, I hope you weren't thinking of nicking off for the rest of the day. Bob: Absolutely not Mr Scrooge, in fact I was just about to superglue my hands to the work surface to prevent myself from moving even if I wanted to relieve myself. Scrooge: I wouldn't want you wanking in my shop in the first place. Bob: That's not what I meant. Scrooge: Anyway, I'd like you to meet my new found friends. This is Marje, my girlfriend. This is Norman, our son, Bob: That's what I call a quick conception. Norman: The green cross code man keeps flashing in my eyes. Scrooge: This is Elvis Aaron Presley. Elvis: Wuhuhuh. Thankyou very much. Scrooge: And this gentleman, whose name I don't know, George: It's George. Scrooge: George was one of the cannon fodder from the Starship Enterprise. Step: That's French for lavatory. Scrooge: We rescued him from nearly contracting a fatal dose of dead comedians disease. George: Hoohoo, what's t'do? Scrooge: I beg your pardon? George: It's turned out nice again. Step: He didn't sound like that in the toilet. He must have caught that disease off one of the dirty seats. Scrooge: Oh no. George: Fancy a tune? Hoo hoo. Elvis: Do you know "Love me Tender". George: You start and I'll pick it up. Scrooge: Anyway, they'll be staying here for a short while. Bob: Who's she? Scrooge: That's Jeanie, she's mental. Bob: Hello, my name's Bob, I'm slave labour. Jeanie: That was a severe head rush. It must have had something to do with that dodgy smoke in your bedroom. Scrooge: Well, I suppose we might as well get the shop open and put you to use. [Ghosts and FGM On] Fairy: Cease and desist you evil perpetrators of reality justice. You shall now face the charges of continuity felony and accept the punishment that befits the heinous crimes you have been committing. Future: I'm just going to cave his head in. Fairy: No! The true course of causality ust be restored else the entire fabric of the time, stroke, space continuum will be completely buggered. Past: She's got a very good grasp of the plot so far hasn't she? Present: She's a tad over melodramatic for my likings. Future: Her heart's in the right place. Present: I'm not sure she is though. Perhaps she should have joined DMS. Scrooge: Quick Jeanie, get us out of here. Jeanie: I can't, something is negating my powers. Scrooge: Something? or someone? Fairy: You've got nowhere to run to Scrooge. Nowhere to hide. Past: I think we're going to do a song. [SX 21 Music: Nowhere to run] Elvis: I'm going to write to my agent about this. I'm sure there's some sort of contractual obligations that I should sing. George: Hoohoo, what's t'do? Future: Look I'm getting right ticked off with all of this palava, can we just get on with the story puhlease. Present: I am the ghost of Christmas present Scrooge, tremble in fear as I... Fairy: Wait a minute. Present: Oh bloody bugger bollocks, what now? Fairy: We've got to put these people back into their correct time line. Otherwise... Past: Otherwise my arseholes, you've done your job, you can nick off now you old hag bag. Fairy: But what about the temporal realities? Future: If the whole universal continuum was going to be destroyed, it would have happened by now, don't you think? Fairy: Erm. Furure: Surely the damage has already been done. Fairy: Erm. Future: And therefore no reason for you to still be interfering in our affairs. Fairy: I never thought of it like that. I'll have to go away and consider my next move because, believe me, action will be taken. Step: Norman, why don't you show this lady to to the living room so she can have a rest. Get her a cup of tea and...sort her out. Norman: Yes mother. Follow me...into a world of trains, brains, bright colours and haze plug in wall air fresheners that cause me these terrible headaches I've been suffering recently. They last three weeks, you know. [Norman and Fairy Off] Present: Right then, can we get on? I am the ghost of Christmas present Scrooge. Tremble in fear as I.. [Aladdin On] Aladdin: Mr Scrooge, I've got your money. Can I have my lamp back? Present: Oh for crying out loud. I'm the ghost of Christmas present and this is your Christmas. Look around you, see the error of your ways, enjoy it. I'm going home to the wife. Future: Was that it? Present: Too right, now do your bits so we can all sod off home. Past: I am the ghost of Christmas past. Come with me and I will show you the path of your downfall. Scrooge: Do we have to? Ghosts: Yes! Scrooge: I was sort of hoping to take a nap for a few hours. Future: You'll be taking a nap for a few years after I've finished with you. Scrooge: What are we waiting for? Past: Come Scrooge. [Smoke] [LX 42 FADE TO BLACK.] [SX 22 TRAVEL EFFECT] [Everyone shuffles off except Scrooge and Past.] [Union building.] [LX 43 GENERAL WASH] Scrooge: Where are we? Past: In your past. Scrooge: No shit! What with you being the ghost of Christmas past and all, I sort of figured you might have brought me to the Sealife centre. What I want to know is where in my past we are. Past: Your Students' Union. Scrooge: Excellent, cheap beer. Past: Observe yourself Scrooge. [Young Scrooge and Mates on] Mate: Come on then Scrooge, it must be your round by now. Young: Oh well, I would but I just had to pay my rent and I'm already 2 pounds and 5 shillings overdrawn. Mate: But you don't pay rent, you still live with your mum. Young: My grant hasn't come through yet. Mate: You just had your student loan through. Young: That didn't get me a week's worth of food. Mate: Not after you bought that stereo anyway. Scrooge: Ah yes, I remember all this. I was the greatest sponger in the university, and I was respected for it. Mate: Piss off you tight fisted git. You don't deserve mates like us. [Mates off] Scrooge: Ah. Past: Through out your entire time at university, you didn't get pissed with your mates once. Scrooge: That's a lie. Past: Alright, apart from that one evening of mindbending at the end of the role playing society's annual bash. Scrooge: It was a major social event, it was the only time they went anywhere without taking their dice. Past: It was because you were such a miser that you had a crap time at Uni and left with no friends. [Hopefully the audience will go "Aaaah"] Past: Don't sympathise with him, he's a tosser and deserves it. Scrooge: It wasn't all that bad. Past: You was so stingey that even the socialist workers stopped asking you to buy their paper. Scrooge: Well... Past: You was so lonely and friendless, not even the British Transport Appreciation Society would accept you. Scrooge: Alright for Kem's sake. There's no need to press the point that much. I had a very deprived childhood. [SX 23 Music: Born Under a Bad Sign] Past: Just making sure you know what's what. Right then, that's me done. I'll see you later. [Past Off, Future On] Future: Right then you little bastard, you're all mine now. I'm going to scare the living shit out of you by showing you your future of eternal damnation to the firey pits of Hades because of the life of depravity you've been leading. Scrooge: It doesn't sound any worse than Monday night at Fifth Avenue. Future: Tosser. Follow me. [Smoke again.] [LX 44 FADE TO BLACK] [SX 24 TRAVEL EFFECT] [Shop.] [LX 45 GENERAL WASH] Scrooge: Oh no, what a real nightmare. You've brought me to...my shop. I'm so scared. Future: This isn't right. We should be at your grave side and I'd suck you under the ground to witness the never ending torment and agony you'd suffer. Scrooge: Never mind. Can we go back now? [Elvis and George On] Elvis: You took your time. George; Hoohoo, turned out nice again. Elvis: Thank you very much. Scrooge; What are you doing here? Elvis: We've been waiting for you. George: Hoohoo. Future: What's going on? Elvis: You now, are on holiday in the bahamas at the moment, and we had to come here to tell you that you needn't have bothered coming. George: Hoohoo. Elvis: Your future's been changed by your adventure across those dimensions and sorted your life out. George: What's t'do? Elvis: Thank you very much. Scrooge: Can we go now? Future: It's not fair. Scrooge: Please? Elvis: And you told us to tell you one more thing. Future: Sod it! [Future hits Scrooge] Elvis: Duck. [Smoke] [SX 25 TRAVEL EFFECT] [Everyone shuffles back On] Step: Oh my Scroogy poos, what happened? Scrooge: Dat tunt groke guy fugging dose. [Future On and takes map from Jeanie] Future: Thanks very much. [Future Off] Present: So Scrooge, what exactly have you learnt from your little adventure? Scrooge: That the writer of this has got one severly fucked up mind. Present: Apart from that. Scrooge: Where babies come from? Present: No. Scrooge: That there's nothing wrong with being a miserable, nasty git, but as long as I enjoy myself, it's justified. Present: Erm, I suppose. It'll do for now anyway. Bob: But sometimes it's so difficult to raise the energy to smile. People are so quick to put you down and make you feel insecure and insignificant in relation to life, that you sometimes think, why bother? what is the point of going on? Scrooge: Do shut up you depressing little squit. If you don't make the effort, you don't deserve to enjoy life. [LX 46 DISCO LIGHTS] [SX 26 Music: Fight for Your Right] [CURTAIN CALLS] [LX 47 BLACK OUT] [LX 48 STAGE RIGHT SPOTS] [Dickens On. He has white powder over his face.] Dickens: I once penned a collection of merry Christmas stories. None of which you have witnessed here. This play, performance, pantomime and play formine is neither mine nor not mine. It is however, not malice that brings me back to where I deemed not to return. It is pity. Pity for the players you have seen gyrate before you. They think they perform a service. We, unfortunately know different. They destroy, they wreck, they down right embarrass. So please, give all you can, from the highest echelons to the entertainments crew, dig deep into your pockets for fruits rotten enough to drive them from the stage. Failing that, you could take some hard drugs and forget about it all. I have. This is not a new experience for my brain, as some of you may be assuming. How else do you believe I created characters called Ebeneezer Scrooge, Martin Chuzzlewit and Spunky Cumbuckit. Or did I? Be not here anymore. Piss off. Go. I am done. I am dead. I am 500 years old. Does anyone have a mirror? [Dickens Off. Elvis On] [LX 49 BLACK OUT] [LX 50 STAGE RIGHT SPOTS] [SX 27 MUSIC ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE] [Elvis sings.] [LX 51 ADD GENERAL WASH] [MORE CURTAIN CALLS] [BLACK OUT]