Harry: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I just want to check that you're all present; Prince Charming?

["WA-HEY!"]

PC: Well said.

Harry: Dopey?

Dopey: My presence is confirmed by my physicality.

Harry: Grumpy?

Grumpy: Bollocks.

Harry: Pan? Hook? Smee?

Peter: I think therefore I am.

Smee: Am what?

Peter: Am me.

Hook: Are you sure?

Peter: I think so.

Hook: Well you must be then.

Harry: Lady Kebab? Shish and Donna?

S.M.: Girls, the nice policeman is calling you.

Shish: Yoo-hoo. Hello handsome.

Donna: Calling me what?

Harry: Fairy Godmother?

FGM: Eh! Do you know the inconvenience you are causing me, Deadloss? How bad this looks for my business? Do you know who you are dealing with here? I think you should show a bit of fucking respect, you know.

Harry: Just yes or no.

FGM: Present. Mother fucker.

Harry: Buttons?

Buttons: I did tell him you weren't involved. I told him you wasn't even in town, I said you was bumping off the mayor at the time.

Harry: Tin Man and Scarecrow?

Tin: Have you tried using pickled gherkins?

Scare: The smell puts the girls off.

Harry: Wicked Witch of the West?

WWW: And my little dog too my pretty.

Harry: No pets allowed, lose it.
I have called you all here because a crime has been committed.

FGM: It's hardly our fault, I suggest you locate the script writer.

PC: What do you mean Deadloss? Either spit it out or swallow it, let us get back to our business.

Harry: One of you is a murderer.

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"]

Sisters: Who?

Harry: I don't know.

Button: Then what makes you think there's even been a murder?

Dopey: I think the title of the play's a bit of a give away.

Grumpy: Bollocks.

Dopey: Well quite.

Harry: My reasoning is simple.
The explanation of my conclusion hit them hard. They listened intently as I worked my way through my methodical research, giving them all the details and all the evidence. Eventually, it was the Wicked Witch of the West that interrupted me just as I was...

WWW: Excuse me my pretty,

Harry: What is it?

WWW: Are you going to tell us or not? I have some important baby skinning to get back to.

Harry: What's the matter with you sister? Are you deaf? or just plain dumb? Haven't you been listening to any of my explanation of my methodical research. Maybe you're trying to hide something, throw me off the trail, disguise my leads, cover the scent, overthrow the government. Or are you just trying to get off with me?

WWW: N-n-n-no. It's just that, I couldn't, I didn't. Did any one else not understand what he was saying?

[Everyone shakes heads and make general noises of dissent]

WWW: My mistake then.

Harry: I'm going to be watching you.

WWW: You bastards.

Harry: For the purpose of miss thicky in the corner there, I shall go over the evidence again.

[Everyone groans]

Harry: And we'll all be staying right here until I'm finished, even if the bell does go.

[Everyone groans]

Buttons: Oh sir!

Harry: [To Prince] What are you eating?

PC: What?

Harry: What are you eating? Spit it out.

PC: Sorry.

Harry: Detention tomorrow night, tell your parents you'll be late after class.

SM: Mr Deadloss,

Harry: If you've got something to say, put your hand up.

SM: [Does so]

Harry: Yes.

SM: Mr Deadloss, you seem to have got detracted. Your character has changed from a police inspector into a, I don't know, nazi war criminal or something.

Harry: Sorry. Back to the plot. But just so there'll be no more interruptions, everyone put their hands on their heads.

[Everyone does so]
[During the Narrators' bit, the cast go through a sort of aerobics routine]

Narrator/M: To get things moving slightly faster,
And avoid a death-by-boredom disaster,
We will now attempt to summarise,
The events that have passed before your eyes.

Female: Lots of people have turned up here,
I've been downing lots of beer.

Male: That's a bit brief don't you think,
How much have you had to drink?

Female: A lager, a bitter, a cider, a stout,
5 pints in all. No hang on, I've missed one out.
Dry Blackthorn, Flowers, Murpheys, Heineken, and one I knocked straight back.
Pint of Pernod. With black.

Male: You're wasted, I'm sober. I'm too professional to moan,
I can carry the show on my own.
This play needs a saviour, and I am it.

Female: Oh sod off you ponsy git.
You think you're so cool, you think you're so plush.

Male: Better than being washed out lush.

Female: Cheeky bastard, I'm not letting that pass,
I'm offering you outside, I'm gonna kick your arse.

Male: My colleague here is beyond rational sense,
Stupidity is her only defence.
I will quickly surmise the words Harry would've said,
Before I proceed to kick in her head.
To start..No. The sisters..No. Well, basically there's this trap,

Female: You don't know what you're talking about, you're fucking crap.

Male: Right that's it, I taken as much as I can stand,
You're to feel the back of my hand.

Female: Come on then you piss ant fool,
Let's sort this out once and for all.
You mess with me and you're gonna suffer,
You'll have a fight like you've had no other.
My fists will beat you black and blue,
I'm going to walk all over you.
I'll show you a new experience of pain and hurt,
I'll have you grovelling in the dirt,
Begging on your belly, down amongst the worms.
You can have the experience on your own terms,
Even with my hands tied behind my back, you slag.

Male: Are we talking about a fight or a shag.

Female: Whatever you want suits me fine.

Male: Fair enough, your place or mine.

[Narrators walk across stage. Cast are all sitting around doing their own thing]

Male: Mr Deadloss, the story's narration requires other arrangements,
We've got more urgent, pressing engagements.

Harry: You don't seem to care how much of the story this wrecks.

Female: We're going off to have some sex.

[Narrators OFF]

Harry: As my old partner used to say, "If the shit's going to hit the fan, make sure it's yours. The smell isn't quite so offensive that way".

Tin: Are we going to have to listen to him for the next couple of hours now.

Harry: Upon my arrival here,

Scare: Yes.

Harry: I began asking myself a few questions, Why am I here?

PC: Very profound.

Dopey: Somewhat Zeitgeist I feel.

Grumpy: Bollocks.

Dopey: My point exactly.

Harry: Why are any of us here?

WWW: Well, Mummy Witch of the West loved Daddy Witch of the West,

Harry: Why have I had to gather all the major, important Fairy Tale characters for police protection?

Shish: Don't forget, Buttons is here as well.

Buttons: Yeah! Hang on, what do you mean, "and Buttons"?

Harry: And why were three of the girls all in the company of Prince Charming just before they were killed?

PC: I was only trying to score. I need to get married soon otherwise I lose my throne.

[Jewish Princes - Frank Zappa]
[Narrators ON, dishevelled]

Male: Sorry about that delay,
Don't really know what to say.
Missed opportunities turn into regret.

Female: Don't suppose I could scab a cigarette.
I shouldn't have done it, the fact it was him is bad enough,
But now I'm sober and probably up the duff.
5 Minutes. Shot his load, rolled over, farted,
Long before I'd even started.

Male: Please, please. Our intimate details need not be unfurled,

Female: I was going to sell the story to the News of the World.

Harry: Anyway, a trap has been set, and the mouse has been caught.

FGM: You don't mean...?

Harry: Yes.

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"]

FGM: This place has got mice?

Harry: No! Somebody in this room has already been murdered.

Dopey: But everyone seems very much alive.

Grumpy: Bollocks.

Dopey: My point exactly.

Harry: A poison has been administered to the victim in a cruel and diabolical way.

FGM: You don't mean...?

Harry: Yes!

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"]

Harry: Someone in this room is a murderer and I intend to find out who.

Prince: What makes you think the murderer is one of us?

Harry: You've all got motives,

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"]

Harry: You've all had the opportunity,

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"]

Harry: You all had the haddock for breakfast.

["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM, DAAAAAA!"]

Button: And?

Harry: One of those plates of haddock had the poison in.

[Everyone gasps]

Dopey: I don't know, it still sounds a bit irresolute to me.

Grumpy: Bollocks.

Dopey: My point exactly.

[Cook ON]

Harry: This is the chef of the hotel who was responsible for the preparation of this morning's meal.

Cook: I had just finished preparing the breakfast meal, and was just putting out my cigarette when I saw that man loitering around the cutlery drawers. After he left, I found this.

Harry: It's a bottle of new improved concentrated arsenic. Less packaging, less waste.

Smee: Captain, surely it wasn't you?

Hook: I didn't go anywhere near the breakfast. I was simply locating a knife sharpener for my hook.

Harry: A likely story.

Hook: What's my motive for killing all those people?

Harry: Simple, psychological mother hatred.

All: What?

Harry: You were never accepted by your mother which has developed into a pathological hatred for mother figures. Snow White taking care of the dwarves; Wendy caring for Pan and the Lost Boys; Cinderella was er... one, and so was Dorothy and Sleeping Beauty.

Hook: In what way?

Harry: They were all women.

Grumpy: Bollocks.

["AND THEN SOME!"]

Hook: If that is true, whom did I kill and why?

Harry: Easy. Your next target was obviously the next mother figure here.

SM: Oh my god, he's killed me?

Shish: You must be joking.

Donna: You're probably the worst mother in the world.

Harry: Exactly. Your next victim has been, the Wicked Witch of the West because of her striking resemblance and attitude to your own mother.

Hook: No no no. You've got it all wrong. Eurgh.

[Hook dies dramatically]

Harry: Ah! Bugger.

Ben Fogle (from Country File) was one of the ugly sisters, by the way.

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