A Christmas Murder Mystery by Rhys Wilcox ACT 1: INTRO Narrator/M: Oh yes, Royal Shakespeare Company, the National Theatre, graduated from RADA with distinctions. I've acted with Johnny, Lawrence (God rest him), Ken and Emma, and I helped Mel Gibson with his Hamlet you know. Female: Really? Well I was in an episode of The Bill, got questioned by Tosh. I did the Persil Power advert ("That's her first jam tart"), I wanted to do her Lady Macbeth-esq, full of remorse that the jam stain couldn't be shifted, but they cut it out. I got a line in Grange Hill as well, but I don't really talk about that because it's not as good now since Zammo left, eh? Male: Yes, well personally I preferred Ro-land. I always considered comedy to be the hardest performing discipline, "My dog's got no nose" and all that, so when my agent suggested the part I thought why not? It's a good a place as any to get started, and besides John Goodman got that other part. Only just though. Wilmaaaaaa! Female: The only reason I took the job was because I had bugger all else to do. I was in line for a remake of the Shake 'n' Vak ad, but it was given to Meg Ryan instead. Male: Oh, I think we're ready to start. Female: Hello, good evening, welcome to one and all, To this festive celebration in this knackered old hall. Your reasons for coming may be shallow or deep, Loyalty to friends, or because the beer is cheap. No reasons are needed, it's simply your right, Because you've paid to come, that's the biggest laugh of tonight. Male: Christmas has returned to us once again, And with it come the rituals of nightmarish strain. When to buy what for who, Making long lists of what others should get for you. No matter what selection your hungry heart concocts, You'll always end up with aftershave and socks. Female: You can't include girls with those precise figures, Although I do tend to get given perfume and knickers. Male: Specifics aren't important I think you'll find, Now please deliver your scripted lines. Female: Just a few words, and I'll give you these, I'll say my lines how I please, Reversed or forwards, back to front, Now mind your own business you stuck up... Male: Can't say that to me you little tart, I'll have the union take your equity card. Female: Anyway. Crappy presents and family feuds, Too many drinks and sickly rich foods, Makes Chrimbo an arduous time, And hence the invention of pantomime. Male: That's right, it's time to forget your stress and frustration, And enter a world of warped imagination, Of beautiful princes and handsome princesses, Where women are men, and men are in dresses. Female: We are your hosts on this fantasy tour, So come with us through the fairy tale door. I wish to take you firmly in hand, And take you to the promised land. Male: Our first fairy tale has made Disney a ton, About a beautiful girl and six midgets, plus one. We'll get straight to it, it won't be long, As soon as we finish singing our song. [Run for the son - Bucks Fizz] SCENE 1: Single White Female (and 7 Dwarfs). Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, Snow White, P.C. [Snow ON] Snow: Oh how fortuitous that I should come across this shack during my direst hour of need. At one stage it seemed as though my life was over, but then the axeman allowed me to go free and took a wild boar's heart back to my wicked step mother instead of mine. I was lost in the forest, but then all the lovely woodland animals showed me to this clearing, now I shall appeal to the residents to allow me to stay in this, this, this, what a shit tip. I suppose I could clean up the place for the owners return. I could even get the cheery forest folk to help, but then I'd only have to clean up their shit afterwards. Whistle while you work, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bollocks to it. Whoever it is that lives here is obviously smaller than me, and I've got squatters rights. Dwarves: Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho! [Dwarves ON] Dwarves: Hi ho, hi ho, it's a silly song we know, But we don't care 'cos we're not all there, Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho. Snow: Oh my god. Dwarves: Ho hi, ho hi, you can stick it in your eye, We dig all day in women's lingerie, Ho hi, ho hi ho hi ho hi. Snow: Hello, who are you? Doc: We're the seven dwarves. ["YEAH RIGHT!"] Snow: Dwarves? Doc: Yeah, you know. Little people. Snow: But most of you are taller than me. Doc: Er. Well we were small. Once. Snow: What happened? Did a fairy come along and cast a magical spell over you to make you all big? Dwarves: How did you know? Exactly. Yes, that was it. Probably something like that. I don't think so. Doc: No. Not quite. We were small quite a while ago, when we were five years old. Dwarves: Ah yes those were the days. Being small. Lovely. etc, etc. Snow: What are your names? Doc: I'm Doc. Snow: What's your P.H.D. in? Doc: It doesn't stand for doctor, it stands for doctored. I've had my balls cut off. Sleepy: I'm Sleepy. Snow: Go and have a lie down then. What's the matter with you? Bashful: I'm feeling happy. Happy: I'm Happy. Snow: What's your name? Grumpy: Bollocks. Snow: How unfortunate for you. Sneezy: He's Grumpy and I'm Sneezy. [Everybody waits for a sneeze] Sneezy: It's okay, I've been taking Allereze. Snow: Who are you? Happy: He's Dopey. Snow: Can't he answer for himself? Dwarves: No. Snow: Why not? Happy: Because every time he does, he only embarrasses the rest of us. Dopey: Just because I went to the trouble of attaining a formal college education, I am ridiculed and condemned. Happy: See. Doc: I suppose you want to stay with us then. Snow: Well, common sense would suggest that I did otherwise. The fact that I would be alone in the house with seven strange men, and the recent increasing reports of gang rape, sexual molestation, and sexist harassment around the work place, should immediately deter me from spending another second in this building with you. But what the hell. Bashful: You're quite safe, we're all gay anyway. Dopey: You speak for yourself. I am proud to announce that I am a strict heterosexual with no leanings or aberrations in my sexual practices except for doing it with birds. But you are safe with me, you're not my type, I prefer big titted blondes. Doc: I am also heterosexual, but as I indicated earlier, you have no worries from me. Snow: Lack of.. Grumpy: Bollocks. Doc: Quite. Snow: Right then. Dwarves: Yes, well. Right. Okay. [All stand around embarrassed, not knowing what to say] Bashful: So what course are you doing? Narrator/M: So with small talk exchanged, And backgrounds explained, She's ensured of no sexual grapple. Female: To cut down on wages, We'll skip a few pages, To where Snow White has eaten the apple. Snow: Good apple. Female: The poison apple. Snow: Oh. Yeurgh. [Snow White falls, the dwarves gasp, P.C. ON] Dwarves: Who are you? P.C: I am Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Well said. I have heard there is a young lady nearby in dire need of a severe seeing to. Grumpy: Bollocks. P.C: And then some. Is this her? Doc: She's dead. P.C: Are you a doctor? Doc: Am I? or have I? P.C: No matter. These lips have been known to bring demised elephants back to life, if you know where to put them. [Prince kisses Snow. She wakes up] P.C: There's life in this old girl yet. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Well said. Let's get married and play naked baby oil Twister. Snow: Okay. You must come and visit. [Prince and Snow OFF] Dopey: What no wedding invite. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: My point exactly. Narrator/F: We'll skip the engagement, wedding and all, And even pass by the royal ball. Male: The party is over, the guests have collected their coats, In the royal boudoir, the Prince wants his oats. [Prince and Snow ON] P.C: Let's get down to that funky thang. Snow: I beg your pardon. P.C: Let's make that double backed groove machine. Snow: Oh Prince, I love you soooooo, much. I never want you to leave my side. P.C: I must go. Snow: No, you must never leave me. [Stay - Shakespears Sister] P.C: I only want to brush my teeth. Snow: Sorry. [Prince OFF. Dopey & Grumpy ON] Snow: What are you two doing here? Dopey: Dear lady, is your mind of such a state that you don't remember your parting words to the very people who quite possibly, and more than likely, saved your very life. Snow: You really should keep quiet you know. Dopey: What, and leave all the talking to him. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: My point exactly. You told us to come visit. Snow: I don't want you here now, I'm about to get broken in. Dopey: Fair enough. [Dwarves OFF] [B/O scream. Lights up Snow hanging from rafters. Dwarves & Prince on] Dopey: My goodness, she's committed suicide. ["YEAH RIGHT!"] Dopey: And what do you know about it. P.C: [Sobbing] Oh no, I never knew. I had no idea. She hadn't just got her GCSE results had she? Dopey: You really loved her didn't you? P.C:[Absolutely wailing] My shag piece. Narrator/M: The Prince is distraught, his tears are pouring, For he's lost his love, his wife, his one chance of scoring. The girl is found dangling, and so it's implied Snow White has committed suicide. Female: However. How did she get up there, how was she hung? It's a strange death indeed, ["AND THEN SOME"] A mystery has occurred ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] to keep everyone guessing, For Snow White was hanging by her lower intestine. Male: We now move from this scene, all bloody and gory, And continue the path of the rest of the story. Female: So sit up straight, stop chatting, stop yawning, As we go to the third star on the right, and straight on till morning. SCENE 2: Peter's Friends. Pan. Hook, Smee, Wendy, Tinkerbell. [Tinkerbell ON with giant prop, ie she's small] Tink: Peter? Peter where are you? Being this small really is a pain in the arse some times. Do you know, I am so small, Jeremy Beadle's crap hand looks positively normal in size in comparison. Peter? Oh where is he? Ever since that stuck up tart Wendy showed up, he's not been paying me any attention. It's not that I'm jealous or anything, I just think he's incredibly horny. It's a bit of a shame that he's never grown older than thirteen, just once I'd like to be able to check out his prowess. When he flies, he can stay up for ages. Sometimes I wonder.... [Peter ON] Peter: Hiya Tink, what's happening? Tink: You stupid shit bag, Peter. I spent all that time and effort trying to convince them that I'm a little fairy, then you come along and fuck it all up. Peter: Sorry. Tink: Go off and do it properly. Peter: Bloody hell. [Peter OFF] Tink: Men! They are such unthoughtful bastards. I go to the trouble of getting outsized props and he walks on without a by or leave. [Giant foot comes out of wings and squishes her. Peter ON] Peter: Irritating little tick. Anyway... Hello boys and girls, I'm Peter Pan. ["WA-HEY"] Peter: Welcome to my home of Never Never Land, you've come just in time to witness the fight of the century, myself versus that smelly old pirate, Captain Hook. When you see him, you must boo and hiss as loud as you can. Will you do that for me? He's called Captain Hook because his left hand was bitten off by a crocodile and replaced by a coat hanger. It's a good job he's right handed because he's a complete wanker. Oh here comes Wendy. She's a girl, but she's quite cool. [Wendy ON] Wendy: Hello Peter. Peter: Hello Wendy. (To audience) I know it doesn't look like there's anything down my tights, but believe me, corpuscles are expanding. Wendy: Peter, you're not really going to fight Captain Hook today are you? Peter: That's right. Wendy: What is this macho bullshit you're trying to pass off on me? If you're trying to impress me, take me out to dinner or something. Don't go pulling off this semi-Oedipal, father figure displacement, latent homosexual act that is littered with phallic representatives and penile envious imagery that would give Freud and Lacan enough material to see themselves on the gravy train for all eternity. Peter: Gosh, I never looked at it like that before. What does it mean when I fly? Wendy: It's obvious sexual repression. Constantly trying to escape your etherial body and suppress the urges that your constantly pre-pubescent physical form desires satisfying. Peter: Wow. Wendy: And as for the tights... [Hook and Smee ON] Hook: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pan, I have come for you. Peter: Wendy has shown me the light. Hook: I always thought you two were too young for that sort of thing. Peter: You are the personification of the repressive patriarchal society in which we all live. I am the embodiment of anima and animus, I am male but wear female clothing. To defeat you I only have to recognize the ideologies that you represent, and in that, you will simply cease to be. [They all stare at Hook for a while. Nothing happens] Wendy: Shit. Peter: Another psychological bridge has been crossed. My other Oedipal representative, Wendy, my mother figure, has destroyed my illusions of her. She has lied to me and I no longer wish to bed her. My father is not hated, my mother is not loved, I have no mirror in which to perceive and build my id, I need to see my analyst. Smee: He's really fucked up. ["AND THEN SOME!"] Wendy: Tell me about your childhood. Hook: Let's play word association. Smee: Think of a happy thought. Peter: [Thinks]. Ha ha, it worked. Smee you should take psychotherapy up professionally. Smee: I gave it up to become the Captain's bosun, the pay's better. I got fed up of having to deal with everybody else's problems, and continually bottling up my own. My wife left me, took the children with her. I became an alcoholic, narcoholic, chocoholic and spangle-oholic. Wendy: Excuse me. Smee: Hmm? Wendy: Could you shut up. You're really quite a depressing little squit. Smee: How come when he gets upset, everybody tries to help. But when it's me, Smee.... Wendy: He's the leading character. This play is not called Smee's nervous breakdown. If it were then you could stand there and gibber to your heart's content. Smee: Sorry. Hook: Where were we? [Everyone thinks] Hook: Oh yes. Can I come on again? No matter, Ha ha ha. Pan, I have come for you. Peter: Run Wendy. Wendy: Piss off you arrogant chauvinist. Peter: Well, just move over a bit. [Spectacular sword fight mime. Ending with Hook losing] Hook: Pan! I've never known you to fight so forcefully. What has happened to you? Wendy: I can answer that one. [Shy Boy - Banarama] Hook: Ha, your musical interlude has served as diversionary tactics to carry out our immediate deliverance. Smee: What? Hook: Leg it. [Hook and Smee OFF] Wendy: Well Peter, don't you have anything to say? Peter: Fancy a game of marbles? Narrator/F: The scenery shifts as fast as it can To keep those happy with a 5 second attention span. Male: We return to Earth, and a quiet moonlit street, Outside Wendy's house, where Wendy and fate now meet. Wendy: [Offstage] I can fly, I can fly, I can fly. [Body drops from above stage] Narrator/M: Wendy's demise is a surprise to all, Her suicidal twenty storey fall. She never complained how badly life treats her, And now she ended simply as street pizza. Female: Did she snuff out the flame of her life's candle, Because she couldn't handle the scandal of handling Pan's pan handle. Another bizarre death, probably not the last one, Something strange is occurring, ["AND THEN SOME!"] Male: The plot gets thicker, the script gets sicker, The scene changes now to the next bucket kicker. Female: The Prince has recovered from his emotional fall, And decided to throw a great big fuck off ball. SCENE 3: The Godmother Part 12. P.C., S.M., Ugly Sisters, Cinderella, Buttons. [General ambling of people. P.C. ON] P.C: Welcome one and all to the Royal Ball of Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Well said. Hopefully some attractive little missy will turn up this evening and I'll get my end away. [Step Mother & Ugly Sisters ON] Step: Right then girls, just mingle, socialise, flirt a bit. Find some rich blokes and get them very drunk. Donna: Why mother? Step: They're not going to go to bed with you otherwise. Shish: Mother, what about me? Step: Perhaps you shouldn't do that. Did you bring your chloroform? Shish: It's the best chat up line I've ever used, and it's never failed. Step: Good. P.C: Ah, Lady Kebab, welcome to my humble abode. Step: Thank you once again for inviting us your majesty. May I introduce my two adorable, SINGLE, daughters. P.C: I'd try introducing them to the wonders of personal hygiene if I were you. Step: This is Donna. Donna: Your majesty. Step: And this is Shish. Shish: I love you. Would you like to sniff my hanky? Step: Not yet. I'll just leave the three of you to get better acquainted. P.C: What.... interesting names you have. Why are you called Shish? Donna: Because that's what all the blokes say when they first see her. P.C: And why Donna? Shish: Have one, then see her naked, you'll soon work out the similarities. P.C: What? You mean... Shish: And you need the chile sauce to take the taste away after. P.C: Enjoy the party. I'll maybe see you later. [P.C. walks off] Donna: Maybe he'll see my what? Shish: LATER! Donna: Dirty bastard. [Cinders ON] Cin: Hello children. I'm Cinderella. ["WA-HEY!"] Cin: Thank you. My wicked step mother wouldn't let me come to the ball with her, so I had to call my Fairy Godmother and get her to...er...arrange for a spare ticket for me. The previous owner of this ticket has taken up residence at the bottom of the Fairy Land reservoir. Now I've got here, I've got to try and take over the Prince's patch, my Godmother wants complete control over the whole of the Fair Lands. Buttons, get your arse out here. [Buttons ON] Cin: Well? Buttons: He doesn't have any horses. All I could find was his pet cat. Cin: Did you chop its head off? Buttons: It scratched me then ran away. Cin: So you failed? Buttons: No. I ripped the head of his bed time teddy. Cin: It'll do. Did you put the gun in the toilet? Buttons: Yes. Third cubicle. Cin: Excellent. [P.C. walks up] P.C: Hello, I'm Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Well said. I noticed you from across a crowded room and figured I'd try some of my best chat up lines on you. Would you like to sniff my hanky? Cin: No thank you. P.C: How about sniffing my pants? Cin: Really, no. P.C: Sod you then. Cin: Wait. Don't go yet. I'm sorry if I'm a bit offish, but this bloke here won't leave me alone. Buttons: Pardon? P.C: Never fear. I shall deal with him. [P.C. smacks Buttons one] P.C: There you go my dear. Now, can I get you a drink, something to eat, multiple orgasm? Cin: Could you just wait here while I go to the toilet? P.C: I do have a large number of guests to entertain this evening, it would be rude of me to stand here alone. [Stay - Shakespears Sister (acoustic)] P.C: Yeah all right then. [Cin OFF] P.C: I just had a strange feeling of deja-vu. [Buttons and P.C. stand, not sure of what to say] Buttons: So what 'A' levels did you get? [Cin ON with shit in hand, pointing like gun] Buttons: Where did you get that from? Cin: Third cubicle, like you said. Buttons: Where in the third cubicle? Cin: It was just floating in the bowl. Buttons: The gun's behind the cistern. Cin: Ah. P.C: Guards! Cin: Must dash. [Cin runs OFF dropping glass slipper (or such like foot attire)] P.C: Whosoever this shoe fits, I will bloody well murder. No one, and I repeat no one, no matter how nice their tits are, gets away with pointing a ploppy at Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Oh shut up. Narrator/F: The Prince's bell end is getting quite sore, He's in desperate need of getting a score. Male: As midnight approaches it will be showed, Cinders legging it, up the road. [Cin ON] Cin: I'm going to get murdered. Two shots to the head, she told me, not one shit in the hand. And I'm going to be late. Oh, here comes a carriage, maybe they'll give me a lift. Hey, slow down. Stop. Can you help me please? Stop. STOP! [S/FX of approaching carriage, screech of tyres and crash] Narrator/M: Another girl gone, the Prince's strike two, And all because the lady loved holding poo. Cinders was killed by a Fairy tale Bently, But was it on purpose or just accidentally. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Female: That was no accident I'm tending to think, And it's round about now I could do with a drink. This whole story line is really quite dumb, Is it me or is this boring? ["AND THEN SOME!"] Male: There's only two more scenes so please try and sit tight, And as for you, do your bloody job right. Female: The next scene's a scene with some more people in, Could somebody please go and get me a gin. Scene 4: Road to Oz. Dorothy, Scarecrow, W.W.W., Tin Man [Dorothy is lying down. Around her are various people] Dor: And you was there, and you and you. Oh Aunty Em, it was so wonderful. Man: Mrs Em, I'm afraid your daughter is mental. She will have to be committed. Narrator/M: Let's start this scene from a different position, A point where Dorothy has to make an important decision. Dor: Well which way do I go now. The munchkins never said anything about a cross roads. Bastards. If only I had a perrier bottle with me. I could spin Toto instead. Here boy. [Scarecrow ON] Scare: Dirty birds. Why don't you find somewhere else to shit? Dor: Oh, hello, who are you? Scare: Mother Theresa. Dor: Sarky git. [Not a good way to start. Both stand around uneasy] Scare: So, where are you from? Dor: Kansas. Scare: Is that one of the QEQM blocks? Dor: No. Scare: Oh. Nice shoes. Dor: Thanks. Scare: Where you going? Dor: I'm off to see the wizard. Scare: The wonderful wizard? Dor: Of Oz, yeah. Scare: Can I come? Dor: Not if your willy is made out of straw as well. Scare: You see, I don't have a brain. Dor: Do you play rugby? Scare: Would you like to see my arse? Dor: You do play rugby. Come on then. [Dor & Scare OFF. WWW ON] WWW: [Laughing evilly, and uncontrollably. Stops, has a whiff of gas and starts laughing again.] I really must get off this nitrous oxide, perhaps I'll go back to the helium, it never gave me such bad headaches. For the last five hours I've been trying to call my sister, and now I find out that she hasn't been answering her phone because she's had a house fall on her. Fucking surreal or what? ["AND THEN SOME!"] WWW: Exactly. I'm just glad I'm laying off the acid for a while, otherwise I could have had a severe paranoia attack. It's bad enough that this glue gives me nasal ulcers, and some bad speed has caused all the capillaries in my forearms to explode and my face has turned green. Anyway, I'm going to do for that little strumpet that killed my sister. Just as soon as I've got over this panic attack. Ogodogodogodogodogodogod. [WWW OFF, Dorothy and Scarecrow ON] Dor: ...well, what if you attached a leek or something like that? Scare: I did use a cucumber once, but as soon as the end goes all soft then it's useless. Dor: Does it have to be organic? [Tin Man ON] Tin: Excuse me little girl, I wonder if you could offer me some relief. Dor: I beg your pardon? Tin: You know, sort out my stiffness. Dor: I don't believe this. Tin: Give me a bit of hand action to get me lubricated. Dor: How much have you got? Scare: I think he wants to be oiled. Tin: I want a wank. Scare: What do you use? Tin: Where are you going? Dor/Scare: We're off to see the Wizard Tin: The wonderful Wizard? Dor/Scare: Of Oz, yeah. Tin: Maybe he can give me what I want. Dor: He'll probably charge more than I will. Scare: So you want a wank and I want a brain, You haven't told us what you want Dorothy. [All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow] [WWW ON] WWW: Now I've got you my pretty, and your little dog too. [Takes a drag out of balloon] Surrender Dorothy and I'll kill you quickly. Dor: Sod that. WWW: If you don't surrender, I'll make you suffer a fate worse than death. Dor: What could possibly worse than death? WWW: I'll make you work down at Niteline. Dor/Tin/Scare: You bastard. Dor: I'm not afraid of you. Do you really think this sort of all mouth no trouser attitude is going to affect me in any way what so ever? WWW: Well.... Dor: It doesn't, because I know.... [Dorothy sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow] [The song is cut short by a gun shot ripping through the darkness. Dorothy is dead!!!!!] [Everyone on stage applauds] Narrator/ F: Something has just struck me about all of this, The writer's an obvious male chauvinist. He's not a clever, comedic, creator, But simply a small dicked female hater. ["AND THEN SOME!"] Male: Ha ha ha, quite right, but anyway, We return to the original plot of the play. Dorothy is now lying dead, A 44 magnum removed half of her head. Female: Dorothy's heartbeat rapidly slowed, As her life force blood stained the Yellow Brick Road. Her body goes cold, her skin goes pale, Her only crime was being female. Male: A gunshot was heard, but no gun was located, The plot becomes thicker and more complicated. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Female: The plot's not thicker, just a bit deeper. And I bet another girl is due to meet the sexist grim reaper. Male: The next scene approaches and it's a real doozy, Prince Charming's in it with a girl who's quite snoozy. The end of this act isn't very far, And then we can all retire to the bar. Scene 5: SLEEPING IN SEATTLE P.C., Sleeping Beauty. [Sleeping Beauty is asleep (naturally), Prince Charming backs in fighting something offstage] P.C.: Piss off! No I won't go into the Ents Hall, there's plenty of room in here. Go and get Harry if you want, I'm not bloody scared of him. Bloody security, give them a sweatshirt and they think they're Hitler. Ah! My quest has reached it's end and finally I have found a dead cert shag, er, I mean the light of my life. Now to wake her with just a kiss. Hang on, this woman is over a hundred years older than me. It'd be like snogging your great grandmother or something. This is very close to being necrophilia. Never the less, she's got a cracking pair tits. [Kisses S.B.] S.B.: Just another couple of hours mum. P.C.: [Kisses her again] S.B.: I was having a brilliant dream, all about Patrick Swayze wearing nothing but a banana skin. [Yawns] Morning. Yeuch! Bad taste in my mouth. Have you got any mints. P.C.: The fairies told me to cross the seven lands searching for this castle, S.B.: Should have used an AA journey planner. P.C.: Defeat the evil dragon, stroke, step mother, and awake the most beautiful woman in existence with a simple kiss. They did not, however say anything about bringing a packet of polos. S.B.: [Looks around somewhat bewildered] P.C.: What? S.B.: Who are you? P.C.: I am Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] P.C: Well said. I am the bravest, prettiest, toughest, hombre in fairyland. S.B.: Nice tights. P.C.: Thank you. Let's go and get married. S.B.: Wait a minute, I'm not marrying you. P.C.: Why not? S.B.: I don't know if you're any good in bed. P.C.: I am very good in bed. Let's go. S.B.: I haven't even seen your willy. P.C.: Do you have to? S.B.: I've got to know if it's big enough. P.C.: Big enough! For what? S.B.: Well if you don't know that, then I'm definitely not marrying you. P.C.: I know what to do with it, I want to know how big you need it. S.B.: Are you calling me a bucket fanny? P.C.: No. Look at the script; I kiss you, you wake up, we get married and live happily ever after. S.B.: Just a quick peek. P.C.: Oh for god's sake. There okay? S.B.: Blimey! I do. P.C: At last. S.B: What's that mean? P.C: Nothing. Narrator/F: Oh look at that, there's a shock, A man that only thinks with his cock. Male: The two love birds are wed, And the Prince takes the Beauty to their matrimonial bed. [Same room as Snow White. Prince ON] P.C: Look right, I know that it was only a little while ago that Snow White killed herself in this room, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it to my wife okay? It's not that I won't tell her myself, in my own good time, it's just that I've got a raging horn and if we start discussing anything but the stiff down my pants, it might put her off. So shtum. [Beauty ON] S.B: Oh Prince, this is so wonderful. I've never been in such a wonderful palace as this. Such lovely food, lush pool and you. I really love you. [Stay - Funky mix] P.C: I am getting so sick of that fucking song. S.B: I beg your pardon. P.C: I've bloody lost it now as well. S.B: Talk to me Prince. P.C: What? Dirty? S.B: No! We know nothing about each other. P.C: I know you've been asleep for a hundred years, and you know I've got a big... S.B: Do you not even wonder why I slept for so long? P.C: Go on then. S.B: It was my 21st birthday, and I was given my best present of all. P.C: Really. S.B: A golden loom. P.C: Really. S.B: It was only a small prick but it did the trick all right. P.C: Sorry what? S.B: It just slipped under the skin and I was off. P.C: Blimey, if a small one made you sleep for a hundred years, I'm going to put you out for a thousand. S.B: What are you talking about? [Door bell] P.C: Excuse me my love, I must answer that. S.B: Very well, I shall just sit here and knit until you return. [Prince OFF] S.B: Now, where did I put my knitting? Oh yes it's just out here. [Beauty OFF. Prince ON] P.C: My love? It's the police. They want to have a word with you. Do come in officer. Harry: Detective. Detective Harry Deadloss. I'd been in this game a long time, but never in my entire career had I encountered a more diabolical set of crimes. P.C: What crimes? Harry: Do you mind, I'm doing my voice over narration. My entire life had been dedicated to righting wrongs, 25 years on the force with an intermediary 5 years being a private eye. Also that little stint of being a costumed super hero, but as my old partner used to say, "Past indiscretions are like farts in a cabbage factory, nobody knows nothing until you apologise for it". Where is your wife Mr. Charming? P.C: She must be through there. Darling could you come out here please. [Beauty ON with something impaled through her, ie a large knitting needle] P.C: Oh my god. Harry: We're too late, the killer has struck. He or she must still be on the premises. [Harry OFF, Prince collapses to Beauty's side sobbing] Narrator/F: Oh what a surprise, another girl dead, Be wary of the words I previously said, A crime is being committed before your very eyes, Female suppression. Stand up for yourselves sisters, no compromise. Male: Please dear lady, this just won't do, Let's have a twenty minute break and talk this through. Act one has finished, a mystery needs to be answered, Go and have a few drinks, but don't get too plastered. Because when Act 2 starts and if you are too gone, You won't understand one fucking thing that goes on. Female: I need a drink after watching a chauvinists dream be played, At least Prince Charming never got laid. P.C: [Stops crying] I don't believe it. Well, she's still warm. ACT II Narrator/M: Take your seats and settle down, As we prepare to start the second round. My partner is absent, so I don't suppose... I say I say I say, my dog's got no nose. This disability of his is completely unbearable, How does the poor beast smell? Absolutely terrible. Thank you. Well, my associate still appears to be missing, Probably writing a massive listing Of all the sexist jokes she's heard tonight, And preparing for a pointless fight. [Female enters from back of hall with placards and flyers] Female: "Hell no, it's not right, That I become a stereotype, 2, 4, 6, 8, and the rest, I refuse to be oppressed." Come on sisters, chant with me, And overthrow this chauvinistic bigotry. [Hopefully will get the hall chanting] Male: Hello. Excuse me. Just one second please, You have my utmost sympathies. Female: You support my cause and will sign my petition? Male: I never realised you had such a serious mental condition. Now will you please come back and take your post, So we can resume as hostess and host. I wish this to be over so I can go home and nap, Female: Oh, by the way your joke was crap. It may appear as though I've succumbed, But I vow here and now they have not won. I fight for the rights for Miss Muffet to Mother Hubbard, I shall do my best to ensure this play is scuppered. Male: Fair enough, I don't give a toss. The second act starts with Detective Inspector Deadloss. Scene 1: Squirty Harry. Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss and I know it's a strange name. What's stranger is if you say it backwards it says Soldaed Yrah, which is Ancient Sumerian for "Hail the Black beast, Lord of the flies, devourer of worlds." It was a tricky time for me. With the recent death of my twelfth partner, I was fearing for the safety of my next. I didn't know who it would be, but my chief assured me that we'd get on like peas in a pod, peaches and cream, oranges and lemons, Juliet Swanson and Greta Garbo. That's what made me suspicious. There was only two people in the world that got on like Juliet Swanson and Greta Garbo, and that was Juliet Swanson and Greta Garbo. But then again, there was that time in Paris.... [You must remember this] Harry: If only I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't've said 'no' when she asked for seconds. If only I knew now what I was going to know later, who knows what I might've done when something was going to happen in the near future that I would know about then but had no knowledge of now. But then again, as my old partner used to say, "I'm not going to make any plans for the future", however, he had just taken a bullet to the chest and his last dying breath was a blood bubble from his nose. Not a pretty epitaph. Just then, there was a knock at my door. [Knock at door] Harry: Then the last person in the world that I expected, walked into my office. [Clarice ON] Clarice: Hello Harry. Harry: Her name was Clarice Nohope, I'd worked with her before. Clarice: I could tell by his eyes that he was surprised to see me, the last time we saw each other was in Paris. Harry: Ah, Paris. [You must remember this] Harry: So what course are you doing? Clarice: I'm with the FBI now Harry. Harry: So, you've got more letters after your name now. Clarice: That's right, I'm now Clarice Nohope P.H.D, B.Sc, T.S.B, M.F.I, V.H.S, F.B.I. Harry: She didn't impress me, I had letters after my name too. I just chose not to use them. Clarice: So, you're back on the force then, Harry Deadloss C.R.A, P.H.E, A.D. Harry: Now you know why. I've been back here for 5 years now. Clarice: Last time I saw you, you were a bit of a dick. Harry: It wasn't a derogatory statement, she was commenting on my brief stint as a private eye. Clarice: It always made me laugh when I told him that because he always thought I was talking about his part-time private eye work. He was actually a bit of a dick. So Harry, I think it's about time you filled me in. Harry: You think I can forget about 5 years so easily and pretend nothing happened? Clarice: I mean about the murders. Clar/Har: The next 20 minutes was spent going over the details of the case. There was a serial killer in Fairy Land, intent on wiping out every leading female character. We had a host of suspects and potential victims all holed-up under police protection in the local hotel. Harry/Clarice seemed distracted, every now and then I caught him/her talking to his/herself. [both stop and stare at each other, each time they go to talk, they stop and stare at each other] Clar/Har: I... He/she... We... Clarice: Harry, I have come up with an idea to speed our way on this case. There's been a new branch of criminology developed, "Offender Assessment". We develop a psychological profile by interviewing like cases. Harry: Meaning? Clarice: I'm going to the Fairy Land asylum for a chat with Gepetto. Harry: Not Gepetto the Epilepto. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Clarice: For my studies? He won't fit. Gepetto the carpenter. Harry: Who made Pinocchio, the wooden boy with life? Clarice: They put him away just after he tried to make Pinocchiess, the wooden girl with holes. Harry: Okay then, just be careful. Clarice: Why Harry, it almost sounds like you still care for me. Harry: Well I... How could I tell her that for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every century for the past 5 years, I..., can't remember what I was going to say. Yeah what ever. Clarice: Harry? Harry: Yeah? Clarice: How could I tell him that I never really slept with his Grandmother all those years ago in Paris? [You must remember this] Clarice: How could I tell him I only said those things because I was afraid of the feelings I felt? Harry: It didn't bother me that she told me she slept with my Grandmother all those years ago in Paris. [You must remember this] Harry: What really pissed me off, was the fact that she didn't re-bury the body after. Yeah? Clarice: Nothing Harry. I'll see you later. [Clarice OFF] Narrator/M: An old love renewed, a psycho pursued, Past mistakes rued, the next scene is cued. Female: As Clarice goes to visit the loony bin, Harry attempts to bring the Godmother in. Scene 2: Reserved Our Nobs. FGM, Eddy, Blonde, Pink, White, Blue, Brown, Orange. Brown: P.J. and Duncan AkA's 'Get Ready to Rhumble'. Blonde: It's about fighting right? Brown: Wrong. Orange: How does that go again? Pink: They're the same guys that did 'Don't forget my Number'. Orange: I don't want to know their whole fucking repetoire, just how the song goes. Brown: I've lost my thread, what was I saying? Pink: [sings] If I give you my number, will you call? Orange: Was that Get Ready to Rhumble? Brown: Where was I? Blonde: Get Ready to Rhumble is not about fighting. Brown: Oh yeah. These two guys right, they've been out partying, pulling chicks you know? Chick chick chick chick chick. Blue: How many chicks is that? White: A fucking lot. Brown: They've left the club and got home. They're hungry, and I mean fucking starving okay? So they get something to eat. Rhubarb Crumble. Blue: What the fuck is he talking about? Brown: Take the R. H. U. from rhubarb and the M. B. L. E. from crumble and put them together. Blonde: You don't spell rumble, R. H. U. M. B. L. E. Brown: PJ and Duncan AKA do. Rhubarb Crumble. Blue: Bullshit. Brown: Pardon me? Could you say that again, I didn't hear you. Blue: I said bullshit. Brown: Did you say bullshit to me? Blue: Yeah I said bullshit to you punk. Brown: Are you calling me a punk? Blue: Yeah I'm calling you a punk you shit. Brown: Well fuck you. Blue: No, fuck you. Brown: FUCK YOU! Blue: FUCK YOU! FGM: Eh! Eh! Eh! What's the matter with you guys. Show some fucking respect huh? Br/Bl: Sorry. FGM: Okay, so you guys like to tell stories, joke about a bit. Well, I'll tell you a story. 5 guys sitting in their cells joking about. Then one of them says, "Hey! Went went wrong? Why are we here?" And they decided that during the planning they were joking about so much, they didn't realise they were breaking into the police station. Eddy. Eddy: This is an in and out operation. The six of you will have code names. Don't tell anyone your real name. Don't mention your surname, where you're from, your wife's name, past jobs, birth marks, tatoos, cock size, FGM: Yeah, yeah yeah. They get the message. From now on, you're Mr Brown, Mr Benn, Mr Messy, Mr Meaner, Miss Diane, Mister Mister, Shakespeare's Sister, and an hour long session of naked baby oil twister. Brown: Mr Brown? That's too close to Mr Shit. Pink: Can't I be Mr Bump? FGM: Mr Bump's doing another job someplace else, you're Mr Messy and that's that. White: I'm Mr Messy. Pink: Yeah, I'm Miss Diane. Orange: I thought that was me. Blonde: You're Mr Meaner. Blue: That's me. Blonde: Who was I again? Eddy: Mister Mister. White: So who was naked baby oil twister? FGM: Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You're Mr Shit, Brown: Brown. FGM: Mr Brown. You're Mr Benn, Mr Messy, Mr Meaner, Miss Diane, and Mister Mister. Okay? All: Sure. Fine. Great. Etc. Blue: So who am I? FGM: Shut up. You lot, clear this shit up and let's go to work. [All OFF except Pink, White and Orange] Orange: What 'A' levels did you get? Pink: This is so fucked up. Where is everyone? White: Just over there waiting for their cues. Pink: Oh. Shit! I just want to see some action. White: You want to see some action? Pink: Yeah I want to see some action. White: How about a game of paper, scissors, stones? Pink: Cool. Both: 1, 2, 3 [Scissors] [Blonde ON] Blonde: You children should learn to play more quietly. Pink: Where's Brown and Benn? Blonde: Dead. Pink: Dead? How? Blonde: How do you think? Pink: Was it anything to do with combine harvesters? Blonde: 'fraid not. White: Where the fuck have you been? What's been going on? Blonde: Are you going to keep barking little doggy? Or are you going to piss up a tree? White: I'm sorry what? I didn't hear you, what did you say? Blonde: Nothing. I've brought you a present. [Blonde OFF. ON with Harry] Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss. White: That's a strange name. Harry: So. What's yours. White: Mr Messy. Harry: Well excuse me! White: It's not my real name. Harry: Yeah right. And who are you, Mr Bump? Pink: No they wouldn't let me. Harry: I want to talk to the Godmother. White: Yeah? Well maybe she don't want to talk to you. Harry: I want to talk to her about... Cinderella. [DUM-DA-DUM-DUM] White: What the fuck was that? Harry: Incidentals. [Eddy ON] Eddy: What the hell is the cop doing here? The Godmother is going to be really pissed with you guys when she gets here. You two come with me and get rid of those cars outside. Pink: What cars? Eddy: All those cars that are parked outside the union. I don't think anyone wants them any more. [Eddy, Pink, White OFF] Blonde: Have a seat Mr Deadloss, I'm sure the Godmother will be here shortly. Music? [Stuck in the middle with you] Harry: Something strange was going on. It seemed as if I'd just stepped into the middle of a film scene. As my old partner used to say, "Don't worry about a guy dancing at you, it's when he offers you a shave that cross your legs". Blonde: Hey! You want a shave? Harry: I had a feeling I was in trouble. [AND THEN SOME!] [Orange shoots Blonde] Harry: I thought you were dead. Orange: Just taking a nap. I'm a cop. Undercover. Don't pussy out on me now. Just sit it out. Harry: Have I missed something. [Pink, White & Eddy ON] Eddy: What the fuck has been going on here. Harry: Naked baby oil twister? Eddy: Don't fuck with me cop. Orange: Miss Diane went mental. Was going to slice the cop's ear off, kill me then kill you guys when you got back. Ask the cop. Eddy: Is this true? Harry: No. He told me he was an undercover cop. Orange: You fuck! Harry: Don't ever call me a pussy. [Eddy pulls gun on Orange, White pulls gun on Eddy, Pink pulls gun on White] White: Put the gun away Eddy. He's a good kid. Eddy: He's a fucking rat. Put your fucking gun down. White: If you don't put your gun away, so help me, I'll fucking drop you right here. Eddy: Put your gun down! Pink: Both of you put your guns down. White: What the fuck's your problem? Pink: I felt left out. [BANG, BANG, BANG. The three of them drop] [FGM ON] FGM: Mr Deadloss, it's good to see you again. What can I do for you. Harry: Your men have killed themselves. FGM: What? Oh that. Yeah I know. I get through so many hoods that way. Harry: I need you to accompany me to the Fairyland Hotel. FGM: Can't you get a proper date? Harry: It's a matter of life and death. FGM: As long as I don't have to meet your parents as well. Harry: Come on. [Mr Bump ON] Bump: Eddy! The job went wrong. They got me Eddy. Do something. Narrator/M: After a scene plagerised from Reservoir Dogs, The Fairy Godmother thinks she's in line for some snogs. At the hotel, Harry tells her inside, She's a suspect of first degree homicide. Female: [Avec bottle] Shit, shat, squit, crap, Bollocks, wank, pile of tat, Fanny and tit, cock and bum, The next scene's at the asylum. Scene 3: Pie dance of the Spams (???) Gepetto, Joker, Norman Bates, The Hitcher, Freddy Kruger, Doctor. [Clarice ON] Clarice: Where can I find Gepetto the carpenter? Gepetto: Ah Miss Nohope, I've been expecting you. Could I see your credentials. Closer. Closer. Closer. Clarice: Are you fucking blind or something? Gepetto: I am simply trying to spook you with my eerie nature. What did that man say to you? Clarice: What? Gepetto: The man next door, what did he say? Clarice: He said he could smell my Aunt, or something like that. ["YEAH RIGHT!"] Gepetto: I however, can not. You are wearing a unique aroma of exotic aquatic and Spanish spices. Clarice: That'll be my tuna and onion sandwich I had with a can of sprite. Thpthpthpthpthpthpthp. Gepetto: Oh. So they have sent you to get me to assist you in capturing this new one. Clarice: If you wouldn't mind filling out this questionnaire. Gepetto: What is it? Clarice: It's a self-personality assessment I was given in town. Gepetto: I'm not doing another one of those, how do you think I got put in here in the first place? Clarice: I have the files here. I just need you to do a profile on the offender to help us catch him. Gepetto: Or her, Clarice. What is your worst childhood memory, and don't lie because I'll know. Clarice: I was eating a chocolate bar during gymnastics and my teacher told me to get rid of it immediately. It melted. Gepetto: That was it? Clarice: Yeah. Gepetto: What, no screams of slaughtered live stock. Clarice: No, just melted chocolate running down my leg. Gepetto: Tell me about the deaths. Clarice: Snow White was strung up by her own innards. Wendy's autopsy discovered massive amounts of L.S.D. in her bloodstream, she was hallucinating and believed she could fly from her bedroom window. Gepetto: Why didn't she practice from the ground floor first? Clarice: I don't know. Cinderella was killed in a hit and run, Dorothy was shot in the head, and Sleeping Beauty was impaled on one of her knitting needles. Gepetto: Hmm. Quid pro quo Clarice, time is running out. Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock. Clarice: What's that mean? Gepetto: People will say that we're in love. Clarice: Not unless you've been paying them. Gepetto: I see you think you've got the killer at the hotel. Isn't that a bit dangerous? Clarice: Well, as my old partner used to say, "If you want to know the time, you wear a watch. If you want to catch a murderer, stick a load of people in a room and arrest the only one that hasn't been disembowelled". Gepetto: Good advice. Clarice: Which is more than you've been able to offer me, you time wasting old git. Gepetto: Clarice! Clarice: Yes? Gepetto: There is something very important I must tell you. Clarice: What? Gepetto: S. moved my anal semen to kill a seer. Clarice: Will that help me catch the killer? Gepetto: Possibly. ["YEAH RIGHT!" Clarice OFF] Gepetto: Gentlemen, gather round. It is time we departed from this establishment. Joker: Hoooo ha ha ha, time to cause chaos in the streets of Gotham and get that cursed winged wonder. Norman: Who Batman? Joker: No, Claire Rayner and her sodding sanitary towels. Gepetto: What will you do when you get out Norman? Norman: I'm going to stay with my mother. Gepetto: That's nice. Freddy? Freddy: The first thing I'm going to do when I get out is get my bloody nails sorted, I just can't do anything while they're in this state. Then I fancy drinking the blood of a virgin. Gepetto: Will you be coming with us? Hitcher: I'll just hitch along for a while, it's not easy being a dolphin. Norman: It's not easy being my mother. Freddy: It's not easy going to the toilet with nails this sharp. Joker: Erm... Hitcher: My brother and I are identical in every way. Freddy: It's not easy finding virgins around here. Joker: Erm... Gepetto: It not easy trying to have a straight conversation with head cases. Joker: Oh I know! I say I say I say, my dog's got no toes. Norman: How does he walk? Joker: Like this.... [Doctor ON] Dr: Okay gentlemen, it's time to take your medication, valium cocktails all round. Gepetto: I'm afraid we must be departing company Doctor. Dr: What do you mean? [Singapore - Tom Waits] [Nutters OFF except Gepetto] Dr: I still don't understand. Narrator/F: Oh can't you see, You're so beautiful to me. Male: Will you please stop that right now, You're embarrassing us both you silly cow. The clues have been collected, The witnesses inspected, The suspects have been selected. The murderer remains undetected. Female: It's bloody obvious, I know exactly who, But I'm not telling. I love you. Male: Of course you do, but then you're arse-holed, And your mind and your speech cannot be controlled. So let us get back to the matters that mattered, And the Fairy Land hotel where everyone's gathered. Scene 4: Blame it on the Bell End. P.C., S.M, Sisters, F.G.M, Dopey, Grumpy, W.W.W, Buttons, Peter Pan, Hook, Smee, Tin Man, Scarecrow. [Harry and Manager ON] Manager: I'm really not so sure about all this Inspector Deadloss. I mean, really, all these people. They're so common. Harry: Don't worry ma-am, I don't expect them to be here very long. Manager: They're to be reallocated on the police protection scheme? Harry: I think the murderer will probably kill a few of them. Manager: The murderer will come here? Harry: No, I didn't mean that. Manager: Thank goodness. Harry: The murderer is here. Manager: This won't do at all. Harry: I can shoot you for interfering with police work. [Manager OFF] Harry: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I just want to check that you're all present; Prince Charming? ["WA-HEY!"] PC: Well said. Harry: Dopey? Dopey: My presence is confirmed by my physicality. Harry: Grumpy? Grumpy: Bollocks. Harry: Pan? Hook? Smee? Peter: I think therefore I am. Smee: Am what? Peter: Am me. Hook: Are you sure? Peter: I think so. Hook: Well you must be then. Harry: Lady Kebab? Shish and Donna? S.M.: Girls, the nice policeman is calling you. Shish: Yoo-hoo. Hello handsome. Donna: Calling me what? Harry: Fairy Godmother? FGM: Eh! Do you know the inconvenience you are causing me, Deadloss? How bad this looks for my business? Do you know who you are dealing with here? I think you should show a bit of fucking respect, you know. Harry: Just yes or no. FGM: Present. Mother fucker. Harry: Buttons? Buttons: I did tell him you weren't involved. I told him you wasn't even in town, I said you was bumping off the mayor at the time. Harry: Tin Man and Scarecrow? Tin: Have you tried using pickled gherkins? Scare: The smell puts the girls off. Harry: Wicked Witch of the West? WWW: And my little dog too my pretty. Harry: No pets allowed, lose it. I have called you all here because a crime has been committed. FGM: It's hardly our fault, I suggest you locate the script writer. PC: What do you mean Deadloss? Either spit it out or swallow it, let us get back to our business. Harry: One of you is a murderer. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Sisters: Who? Harry: I don't know. Button: Then what makes you think there's even been a murder? Dopey: I think the title of the play's a bit of a give away. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: Well quite. Harry: My reasoning is simple. The explanation of my conclusion hit them hard. They listened intently as I worked my way through my methodical research, giving them all the details and all the evidence. Eventually, it was the Wicked Witch of the West that interrupted me just as I was... WWW: Excuse me my pretty, Harry: What is it? WWW: Are you going to tell us or not? I have some important baby skinning to get back to. Harry: What's the matter with you sister? Are you deaf? or just plain dumb? Haven't you been listening to any of my explanation of my methodical research. Maybe you're trying to hide something, throw me off the trail, disguise my leads, cover the scent, overthrow the government. Or are you just trying to get off with me? WWW: N-n-n-no. It's just that, I couldn't, I didn't. Did any one else not understand what he was saying? [Everyone shakes heads and make general noises of dissent] WWW: My mistake then. Harry: I'm going to be watching you. WWW: You bastards. Harry: For the purpose of miss thicky in the corner there, I shall go over the evidence again. [Everyone groans] Harry: And we'll all be staying right here until I'm finished, even if the bell does go. [Everyone groans] Buttons: Oh sir! Harry: [To Prince] What are you eating? PC: What? Harry: What are you eating? Spit it out. PC: Sorry. Harry: Detention tomorrow night, tell your parents you'll be late after class. SM: Mr Deadloss, Harry: If you've got something to say, put your hand up. SM: [Does so] Harry: Yes. SM: Mr Deadloss, you seem to have got detracted. Your character has changed from a police inspector into a, I don't know, nazi war criminal or something. Harry: Sorry. Back to the plot. But just so there'll be no more interruptions, everyone put their hands on their heads. [Everyone does so] [During the Narrators' bit, the cast go through a sort of aerobics routine] Narrator/M: To get things moving slightly faster, And avoid a death-by-boredom disaster, We will now attempt to summarise, The events that have passed before your eyes. Female: Lots of people have turned up here, I've been downing lots of beer. Male: That's a bit brief don't you think, How much have you had to drink? Female: A lager, a bitter, a cider, a stout, 5 pints in all. No hang on, I've missed one out. Dry Blackthorn, Flowers, Murpheys, Heineken, and one I knocked straight back. Pint of Pernod. With black. Male: You're wasted, I'm sober. I'm too professional to moan, I can carry the show on my own. This play needs a saviour, and I am it. Female: Oh sod off you ponsy git. You think you're so cool, you think you're so plush. Male: Better than being washed out lush. Female: Cheeky bastard, I'm not letting that pass, I'm offering you outside, I'm gonna kick your arse. Male: My colleague here is beyond rational sense, Stupidity is her only defence. I will quickly surmise the words Harry would've said, Before I proceed to kick in her head. To start..No. The sisters..No. Well, basically there's this trap, Female: You don't know what you're talking about, you're fucking crap. Male: Right that's it, I taken as much as I can stand, You're to feel the back of my hand. Female: Come on then you piss ant fool, Let's sort this out once and for all. You mess with me and you're gonna suffer, You'll have a fight like you've had no other. My fists will beat you black and blue, I'm going to walk all over you. I'll show you a new experience of pain and hurt, I'll have you grovelling in the dirt, Begging on your belly, down amongst the worms. You can have the experience on your own terms, Even with my hands tied behind my back, you slag. Male: Are we talking about a fight or a shag. Female: Whatever you want suits me fine. Male: Fair enough, your place or mine. [Narrators walk across stage. Cast are all sitting around doing their own thing] Male: Mr Deadloss, the story's narration requires other arrangements, We've got more urgent, pressing engagements. Harry: You don't seem to care how much of the story this wrecks. Female: We're going off to have some sex. [Narrators OFF] Harry: As my old partner used to say, "If the shit's going to hit the fan, make sure it's yours. The smell isn't quite so offensive that way". Tin: Are we going to have to listen to him for the next couple of hours now. Harry: Upon my arrival here, Scare: Yes. Harry: I began asking myself a few questions, Why am I here? PC: Very profound. Dopey: Somewhat Zeitgeist I feel. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: My point exactly. Harry: Why are any of us here? WWW: Well, Mummy Witch of the West loved Daddy Witch of the West, Harry: Why have I had to gather all the major, important Fairy Tale characters for police protection? Shish: Don't forget, Buttons is here as well. Buttons: Yeah! Hang on, what do you mean, "and Buttons"? Harry: And why were three of the girls all in the company of Prince Charming just before they were killed? PC: I was only trying to score. I need to get married soon otherwise I lose my throne. [Jewish Princes - Frank Zappa] [Narrators ON, dishevelled] Male: Sorry about that delay, Don't really know what to say. Missed opportunities turn into regret. Female: Don't suppose I could scab a cigarette. I shouldn't have done it, the fact it was him is bad enough, But now I'm sober and probably up the duff. 5 Minutes. Shot his load, rolled over, farted, Long before I'd even started. Male: Please, please. Our intimate details need not be unfurled, Female: I was going to sell the story to the News of the World. Harry: Anyway, a trap has been set, and the mouse has been caught. FGM: You don't mean...? Harry: Yes. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] FGM: This place has got mice? Harry: No! Somebody in this room has already been murdered. Dopey: But everyone seems very much alive. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: My point exactly. Harry: A poison has been administered to the victim in a cruel and diabolical way. FGM: You don't mean...? Harry: Yes! ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Harry: Someone in this room is a murderer and I intend to find out who. Prince: What makes you think the murderer is one of us? Harry: You've all got motives, ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Harry: You've all had the opportunity, ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Harry: You all had the haddock for breakfast. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM, DAAAAAA!"] Button: And? Harry: One of those plates of haddock had the poison in. [Everyone gasps] Dopey: I don't know, it still sounds a bit irresolute to me. Grumpy: Bollocks. Dopey: My point exactly. [Cook ON] Harry: This is the chef of the hotel who was responsible for the preparation of this morning's meal. Cook: I had just finished preparing the breakfast meal, and was just putting out my cigarette when I saw that man loitering around the cutlery drawers. After he left, I found this. Harry: It's a bottle of new improved concentrated arsenic. Less packaging, less waste. Smee: Captain, surely it wasn't you? Hook: I didn't go anywhere near the breakfast. I was simply locating a knife sharpener for my hook. Harry: A likely story. Hook: What's my motive for killing all those people? Harry: Simple, psychological mother hatred. All: What? Harry: You were never accepted by your mother which has developed into a pathological hatred for mother figures. Snow White taking care of the dwarves; Wendy caring for Pan and the Lost Boys; Cinderella was er... one, and so was Dorothy and Sleeping Beauty. Hook: In what way? Harry: They were all women. Grumpy: Bollocks. ["AND THEN SOME!"] Hook: If that is true, whom did I kill and why? Harry: Easy. Your next target was obviously the next mother figure here. SM: Oh my god, he's killed me? Shish: You must be joking. Donna: You're probably the worst mother in the world. Harry: Exactly. Your next victim has been, the Wicked Witch of the West because of her striking resemblance and attitude to your own mother. Hook: No no no. You've got it all wrong. Eurgh. [Hook dies dramatically] Harry: Ah! Bugger. [Manager ON] Manager: [To Cook] What are you doing here? You should be down stairs interviewing job applicants. [Cook OFF] Manager: Is that man dead? Harry: Deadish. Manager: What will we do with him? Harry: Leave him out back for the dustmen. I want every one here confined to their rooms until I've finished crying. [Everyone ambles OFF] Manager: Inspector Deadloss, can't you just torture the truth out of them? Harry: This is going to be done by the book, and so help me, I'll catch this murderer if every person in this hotel has to be skinned alive in the process. Manager: Even me? Harry: Especially you. [Manager OFF. Clarice ON] Clarice: Harry, I came up with something at the asylum. Gepetto gave me a clue, "S. moved my anal semen to kill a seer". The only "S" people I know here are Shish Kebab and Smee, but I don't think he's into feltching. Harry: But he is a seaman. Clarice: No Harry, I think Gepetto meant spunky-wank-toss-jizzy type stuff. Harry: It's an anagram. Clarice: He definitely meant cum. Harry: The clue. It means.... Kiss my arse and tell me you love me. Clarice: Ah! Well he did say it was important. Harry: I want you to go down to the kitchens and snoop around. Interview everyone. Clarice: What will you be doing? Harry: I'm going back to my room to cry. [Both OFF. Sisters ON] Shish: I'm not going to stay in my room all night. It's Monday and our sharking evening at Fifth Avenue. Donna: We won't have any problem sneaking out as long as you use your chat up line on the guards. We'll have to make sure we get back reasonably early. Shish: That's not a problem, all the blokes that I've ever picked up down there only last a couple of minutes. Donna: You've only got yourself to blame. Shish: I know, but I just can't resist the football players. [Sisters OFF] Narrator/F: I am now reaching the end of my tether, I thought that scene was going to go on forever. How much more must my patience diminish, Until all this shit has finally finished. Male: Not much more so please stop your bitching, As we follow Clarice down to the kitchen. She searches for clues and murderous traces, But only finds food and familiar faces. Scene 5: The Cook, Clarice, a Knife and a Nutter. The nutters, Cook. Cook: Okay then what catering experience have you had? Freddy: I come with my own set of stainless steel, assorted carving knives. Cook: That's not experience though. Freddy: I've sliced throats, tits, stomachs, heads, eyes, and a whole assortments of major organs. Cook: So you used to work in a kebab shop, big deal. Norman: I used to work in the hotel business myself. Cook: That's good. Norman: You're real pretty. Cook: Thank you. Norman: I'd like you to meet my mother. Cook: Is she here as well? Norman: Sort of. Cook: What about personal interests? Hitcher: I travel a lot. I have an almost fanatical interest for black Irish piss. Joker: I have a witty disposition. I'm quite a kidder. Cook: A joker you mean. Joker: Sorry, have we met before? Gepetto: I enjoy carpentry and little boys. Cook: A cross between MFI and Michael Jackson. Basically we've got two jobs going here in the kitchen which I'll give to you two; and three positions in room service which you three can have. Go to reception and get your uniforms. [Joker, Freddy and Gepetto OFF. Clarice ON] Clarice: Excuse me, I've come to ask you a few questions. Cook: Not more. I told your partner everything I know. Clarice: So tell me now. Cook: You two, wait by that table and I'll deal with you in a second. Clarice: Don't I know you? Hitcher: Probably. Norman: That's Carlsberg. Hitcher: Sorry. If you keep an open mind, dark secrets will be revealed. Norman: Do we get on suite showers with our rooms? Clarice: What exactly did you see? Norman: Just exactly how mad are you? Hitcher: Very. And you? Norman: Lots. You always strike me as dark and brooding rather than actually mad. Hitcher: Yeah, well you're just introverted and shy. Norman: I'm more mad than you. Hitcher: Am not. Norman: Prove it. [Hitcher eats a spoonful of sugar] Norman: That's not very mad, I can do that. [Banana, orange, lemon, milk, flour, chilli powder, water, cooking oil] Norman: Well I bet you can't put a whole egg in your mouth without it breaking. Hitcher: Bloody can. [Eggs] Cook: What the hell are you two doing? Hitcher: Making cakes? Cook: Are you both mental or something? ["AND THEN SOME!"] Narrator/F: I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, Zeus and Jehovah, Please, oh please let this be over. It's a living nightmare, worst than arctic streaking, If the play's not bad enough, my fanny's started leaking. Male: There can't be that much left to be told, But now it's time for the audience to be involved, Fifth Avenue's closed, all the boys have long gone, And the cue is now for the panto sing along, So please join in with the girls whimsical croaking. Female: It's no good, I must change, my knickers are soaking. Scene 6: The Sound of Your Sick. [Sisters ON] Shish: Oh sodding hell. We're stuck in Southsea and we can't get home. Donna: Let's amuse ourselves for a while. Shish: What, in front of all these people? Donna: We can get them to help. Shish: Gang bang? ["WA-HEY!"] Donna: We've got these cards so you can all sing along to the chorus. [Trouble - Shampoo] Shish: Would you like to sniff my hanky? Scene 7: Murder By Confusion. Tin: Hello? Room service? This is Tin Man in room 12, I'd like some lubrication. No not drink, a wank. [KNOCK KNOCK] That was quick, come in. Arrrrgh! Scare: Hello room service? This is Scarecrow in 15, could you send me up some rhubarb, I haven't tried that yet. What? No raw please, and hopefully I'll be able to supply my own custard. [KNOCK KNOCK] Thank you. What are you doing? Arrrrgh! Peter: Room service? Peter Pan in room 27. I'd like you to send me up two ounces of fairy dust with a mirror and razor blade. Mind your own business. [KNOCK KNOCK] Time to fly. Hello. I only wanted a razor, nothing that big. Arrrrgh! Narrator/F: Look, just because the blokes are now the centre of the killers attention, Doesn't mean the first act will no longer be mentioned. An attitude has been expressed and taken to heart, Killing men won't end sexism. But it's a start. Male: Enough of your political raving, We're near to the end so please start behaving. More people have died during the night, And Inspector Deadloss has become even more uptight. Scene 8: Last Act and Weirdo. Harry, PC, SM, Sisters, WWW, FGM, Dopey, Grumpy. Harry: Somebody here is seriously taking the piss out of me. And I know exactly who it is. ["YEAH RIGHT!"] Harry: Piss off you lot. Right then, the killer is the Tin Man. His sexual repression has turned him into homicidal maniac and he killed all those girls. SM: But what about the Captain? Harry: It's obvious. [Everyone waits for an explanation but it doesn't come] Harry: So all that remains is to find him and arrest him. [Clarice ON] Clarice: Harry! It's the Tin Man. Harry: You're too late, I've told them. Clarice: He's been murdered. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Harry: Shit. How? Clarice: It was horrible, he was completely gutted. Ripped open from throat to cock. Harry: Murder weapon? Clarice: None found, but we believe it was a tin opener or a such like sharp implement. [Freddy ON] Freddy: Paging Mr Smith. Paging Mr Smith. [Freddy OFF] Clarice: I believe the murderer was the Scarecrow. Harry: Don't be ridiculous, it's obviously Pan. [Manager ON] Manager: Two of your party have been discovered, the straw gentleman, and the young boy in tights. Dead. ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM"] Har/Clar: How? Manager: The straw chap was ripped to pieces. All was left of him was his clothes and thousands of cigarette butts. Harry: Somebody smoked him. What a sick joke. [Joker ON] Joker: Can I get you a drink sir? PC: No thank you. Joker: My wife's just gone to the West Indies to have her nose amputated. PC: Jamaica? Joker: No, of her own accord. [Joker OFF] Manager: And as for the young boy, well, it appears that somebody tried to make a chest of drawers out of him. [Manager OFF, Gepetto ON] Gepetto: Paging Ms Kebab. SM/Sisters: Yes? Gepetto: It's Lady Kebab I require. SM: That's me, these are my daughters. Gepetto: Did you breast feed them? SM: What do you mean did? I still have to. Gepetto: Toughens your nipples doesn't it? SM: How do you know? Gepetto: I have my means. There is a phone call for you. [Gepetto & SM OFF] Harry: The killer has to be Smee. [Smee ON] Smee: Inspector... I, I, I.... know who the murderer is. Clarice: Harry, he's been shot 23 times in the head and once in the foot. His athletes foot has gone terminal. He hasn't got long. Harry: Well shut up then and let him finish. Smee: The murderer is... The murderer is, is, is.... ["DUM-DA-DUM-DUM, DAAAAAAA!"] Harry: You bloody idiots, I didn't hear a word of that. [Manager ON] Manager: Inspector, our records show that before each of last nights deaths, each victim had called down to room service. Harry: Of course, it all made sense now. The killer was unknown to each of his victims but could easily enter their rooms by disguising his self as a bell boy. Buttons is the... [Buttons falls off chair] Harry: next victim, the murderer is Lady Kebab [Scream offstage] Harry: 's killer. Help me out Clarice. Clarice: Harry. You haven't asked for my help since, Paris. [You must remember this] FGM: What we got here is a bit of a problem with leadership. We need some team work here. Now we all like baseball right? PC: I prefer cricket myself. Donna: I like water sports. Dopey: My penchant is for bowls. Grumpy: Bollocks. FGM: Whatever. In every sport there's an element of teamwork. Where each member is loyal to the other members, and their leader. That's all I ask for, is loyalty. I don't expect to hear about one of my employees talking to the Feds. [FGM clouts Grumpy with baseball bat] Grumpy: Bollocks. FGM: I demand loyalty and respect mother fucker. Grumpy: Bollocks. FGM: Fuck you, you fucking fuck. Grumpy: Bollocks. FGM: Fucker. Dopey: There appears to be a great deal of limited vocabulary around here. Grumpy: Bollocks. FGM: Fuck off. Dopey: My point exactly. [FGM starts on Dopey] Clarice: Okay then, the murderer is Shish Kebab. Shish: Why? Clarice: You're a transvestite. Shish: That's pathetic. [Norman ON] Norman: Fancy a shower? Shish: Don't you need to smell my hanky first? Norman: Certainly not. [Norman & Shish OFF] Clarice: It must have been Donna then. Somebody wake her up. [Freddy's hand bursts through her chest] PC: This arm has no pulse. Harry: He must have suffocated in there. [Scream offstage, Norman ON looking at hands] Norman: Arrgh! She had.... she was a.... great big sweaty. Clarice: Heart attack. Harry: Screw this, I'm going to the bar. Coming? Clarice: Harry, you haven't asked me to the bar since, Paris. Jusqu'a la fin, en plein soleil, jusqu'a la fin, en plein amour. [Harry & Clarice OFF] FGM: Okay you mother fuckers, which one of you is the murderer. So help me, I'll drill the lot of you if I have to. Manager: I say, we have strict rules on the usage of automatic weapons, I really must ask you to sign a register for that. FGM: Back off fucker. Manager: I'm absolutely putting my foot down this time. [Shoots Manager] [Joker ON] Joker: Your drink madam. FGM: Thanks. Hey I didn't order a.... Eurgh, acid. Fuck. Joker: Ha ha ha ha ha. That one always cracks me up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha [gasps] need my inhaler, [gasps], ha. Urgh. PC: This is getting ridiculous. How can you be so calm? The murderer can strike at any time now. I shouldn't have to put up with this sort of crap, I'm Prince Charming. ["WA-HEY!"] PC: Just shut up. [Hitcher ON] Hitcher: Do you come here often? PC: You'll not take me without a fight you bastard. Hitcher: Talk amongst yourselves, I may be some time. [Both throttle each other. Gepetto ON] Gepetto: Hello Wicked Witch of the West, I haven't seen you since... WWW: Paris. [You must remeber this] [Harry & Clarice ON] Harry: Hold it, that's our theme. Clarice: So it was you two all along. WWW/Gep: That's right. Harry: Why did you kill Hook? WWW: You were nearly right Inspector about the mother business. Except that I am his mother and I couldn't risk him, or his bosun, the opportunity to give me away. Harry: Well that's it then. Clarice: Yep. Gepetto: Looks like it. [Usual embarrassed waiting around] Clarice: So what course are you doing? [To the end - Blur] Narrator/F: Hoo-fucking-ray for that, No more listening to that mindless tat. Even at the end sexism prevailed, The women were victims and a woman was jailed. Male: The end has come to the horror and gore, And peace and quiet returns once more. But before we leave, not to return till next panto season, What exactly was the witch's murderous reason. WWW: I just wanted to have some fun. ["AND THEN SOME!"] ['Girls just wanna have fun' & curtain call]