Natural Born Cinders
Scene 3: Bust's Mansion.
[BaroNESS ON]
Ness: Hello children. I'm Baroness Bust, but you will probably know me better, if not somewhat stereotypically, as the wicked stepmother. Now, before we go any further, I would like to take a brief moment of your time to discuss this epithet, 'wicked'.
As far as I'm concerned, to rip a kitten's head off may be considered to be a 'wicked' act. But then again, because youthful feline decapitation is only viewed with this one blinkered philosophy, you could see how easy it would be to become wrongly judged by one simple, off the cuff action.
To elaborate, I agree that rendering a young moggy bonceless with but a flick of the wrist is wicked, if done without due course or reason.
For example, if said juvenile felix vulgaris had rabies say, then it would be an act of humanitarian defence. If the baby cat had myxomatosis, then the dreadful deed would be considered to be a mercy killing; putting the potential mouser out of its misery. Or perhaps even more understandable, the beheading of le petit chat, by a mere wrenching of a clasped hand because the little sod crapped in one of your best shoes, would be deemed as a legitimate, justified act of vengeance in any law court around the world. But not the social court of your peers and financiers it would seem.
Dubble Decker! Monty Carla Or! Come here please.
[Uglies ON. Sit On My Face]
Ness: Yes, yes. Stop flirting.
Monty: What do you want Mother?
Dubble: Yes, we were rather busy.
Ness: Yes I can tell, do yourself up.
Dubble: Oops, sorry.
Ness: Anyway, I was just trying to explain to the audience the reasons for our impecuniosity.
Dub & Mon: [Aghast] The results were positive?
Ness: No!
Dub & Mon: [Elated] The results were negative?
Ness: No!
Dub & Mon: It was a draw!
Ness: Not the results! I only sent the samples off yesterday. I meant our unfortunate position of lack of monetary funds.
Dub & Mon: Eh?
Ness: We're fucking brassic!
Dub & Mon: Oh.
Ness: And I was just saying how embarrassing it is to be slandered and vilified for being publicly caught administering a bit of heavy hand action to a painful pussy.
Dubble: I know that one all too well.
Monty: At your age as well mother.
Ness: Sometimes I wonder how you two would have turned out if you had been a product of interbreeding.
Dubble: Where is daddy?
Ness: I told you, I never knew ....
He's downstairs with Cinderella.
Dubble: Slut.
Monty: Whore.
Ness: Now there's an idea.
[BaRON ON]
Ron: Hello ladies.
Monty: Piss off you decrepid old fart.
Dubble: Yeah. Up yours you wrinkly old git.
Ron: Ah, my wonderful, gracious, loyal daughters. If only Cinderella was as charming and pleasant as you two.
Dub & Mon: Bollocks.
Ron: Hello dearest wife.
Ness: Blistered bell ends and puss my dear.
Ron: How well you have managed our family my sweet, and what a wonderful job you have done handling my personal accounts and family fortune. And there was everyone else saying you'd be like Anna Nicole Smith, and bump me off after the second month.
Ness: [Aside] God knows I tried.
Ron: Eh?
Ness: I said 'Blood blows my thighs'.
Ron: Yes yes, I know my love. Anyway my sweet, I was wondering if there was any chance of an [coughs, nudges, winks] early night tonight.
Ness: But it's ten in the morning.
Ron: The earlier the better eh? [Starts cackling, coughing, has asthma attack]
Dub & Mon: This time, this time.
Ness: God bless the insurance.
[Ron suddenly stops]
Ron: Ah, that's better. Have I had my breakfast?
Ness: Yes.
Ron: Did I like it? Ooh, who are all these people in my living room?
['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?']
Ron: Eh?
['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?]
Ron: EH?
['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?']
Ron: Yes, yes, of course you can bring your chums over for tea.
Michael: Your ladyship, two gentlemen are here for an audience.
Dubble: Men?
Monty: Two?
Dubble: Don't be greedy.
Monty: One more and I could have a sailor in every port.
Dubble: One each!
Ron: What's for pudding?
Ness: Send them in Michael.
Malori: He's calling himself Mikki now.
Michael: No I'm bloody not, it sounds like a sodding dolphin's name.
Ah, your ladyship, Prince Charming and Buttons.
Ness: Shit! Why didn't you tell me it was them. We're out!
Malori: Or perhaps Princi and Butti.
Michael: Do shut up.
[P.C. & Buttons ON]
Ness: Good day gentlemen, what can I do for you?
Dub & Mon: What can we do for you?
Ron: Is it bob-a-job already. Get them to clean out the chimney, and after, if they're still breathing, give them half a crown each and a mug of hot milk for their troubles.
P.C.: Baroness Bust, we have been sent by the Fairy Godmother to collect the money you owe.
Buttons: Genesis 1, verse 1. In the beginning ..
P.C.: You promised.
Ness: But the Godmother said payment wasn't due until next month.
P.C.: Well after being caught manhandling your ferret,
Monty: Pussy.
Ness: Cat!
P.C.: Whatever, the Godmother decided you were no longer a viable client she wished her name to be associated with, she doesn't like to deal with 'wicked' people.
Buttons: And lo the earth dids't open beneath the feet of the wicked,
P.C.: Leave it!
Ness: It's such a relative term though. Look, I'll tell you what we'll do, how about payment in kind?
Buttons: What kind?
Ness: Kind of like my daughters. Dubble Decker and Monty Carla Or.
P.C.: 'Monty Carla Or'? What a stupid name.
Dubble: It's because when you go out with her, it's always a gamble that you might leave with more than you went in with.
P.C.: And Dubble Decker's not much better.
Monty: She can take 23 riders on top, 30 downstairs, and another 5 standing.
Dubble: But don't stand in front of this line or distract the driver while the vehicle is in motion!
Buttons: What's that mean?
Monty: If she's rocking, don't come knocking.
Ness: Well?
Buttons: And yea God said, 'And man shall not lie with the beasts of the field.'
Ron: Amen to that reverend!
Dub & Mon: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy,
Ness: We can supply our own brown paper bags,
Buttons: I'd rather have a polythene bag, a noose and a satsuma segment thank you.
P.C.: Mmmm, satsuma.
Dub & Mon: If you really need me, stick it up my fanny,
Ness: Give it a rest girls, I don't think it's going to work.
Dub & Mon: Bugger!
P.C.: We're not to leave until we're paid.
Ness: We'll have to pool our resources. Girls, go and unlock your special stashes.
Monty: But mother, we haven't worn our chastity belts for ages.
Ness: Can you just do one thing that I ask you too, without twisting into some lewd connotation concerning your sexual voracity. It is getting rather tiresome.
Dubble: YOU WANT US TO DO WHAT WITH AN EGG WHISK?
Monty: Calm, calm.
Ness: Bring me some money!
Dub & Mon: Dad!
[Ron has been snoozing]
Ron: Wassat! Man the barricades, swab the poop decks, mount the yardarm and save the strawberries, we're being invaded! Is it tea time?
Ness: He hasn't any money. Why do you think we're in this mess? Monty, look down the back of the sofa.
Dubble: I've got a secret saving place, I'll look there.
[Aside to Ness] I have a gun.
Ness: Good girl.
[Dubble OFF]
Ness: Anyway, about this 'wicked' business. You do know that it's not necessarily a derogatory title don't you.
P.C.: How do you mean?
Ness: Well, I could be the 'wickid' step mother. You know, cool.
Buttons: What, you mean the big 'bad' wolf might not have been bad bad.
Ness: Yes, a prime example, he is a severe homey. He's got a real cool head on his shoulders.
P.C.: It's more of a green, pusy, steaming head above the Godmother's fire place.
[Dubble screams ON holding turd out like gun]
Dubble: Die you motherfuckers!
[Everyone is in Pulp Fiction positions. P.C. & Buttons stand together inspecting their bodies for bullet holes, stare moodily at Dubble (see plan). People probably won't get this so don't expect a huge laugh. It's not meant to be a joke, just something for the fans]
Monty: Calm, calm.
Ness: Where's your secret saving place?
Dubble: Under the floorboards under the bed.
Ness: A bit dark then, difficult to distinguish objects.
Dubble: A bit.
Ness: Have you saved anything else recently, except the gun?
Dubble: Er, I seem to recall doing an absolute prize poo once. Yes, I saved that.
Ness: It was a nice try my dear and an easy mistake to make.
[Cinders ON]
Cinders: Hello everybody, hello boys and girls.
Dubble: Slut.
Monty: Whore.
Cinders: Hello father, I hope you are well today.
Ron: You're such an insolent little tramp. My god, in my day we used to show our elders some respect otherwise we'd be paying a visit to Mr Cat O' Nine Tails at Mrs Punishment's cellar.
Cinders: Oh father, I wish you could understand me.
Ron: Ooh! Such language I wouldn't expect to hear from a common prostitute having the largest cock she's ever had stuffed her slackened fanny, and come like a trooper for the first time in her life.
Dubble: That's Maddona's 'Like a Virgin' isn't it?
Monty: It could be considered it's crudest interpretation, yes.
Ness: Sorry, excuse me? Don't mean to interrupt but what are you doing up here? You're supposed to be scrubbing the street.
Cinders: I've done it.
Ness: All of it?
Cinders: Yes, it shines like the yellow brick road. Hello, who are you?
P.C.: I'm Prince Charming and this is my partner Buttons.
Buttons: And indeed they were blessed ..
P.C.: Oi!
Cinders: You work for the Fairy Godmother don't you.
Buttons: Yeah, so who are you?
Cinders: I'm Cinderella.
Dubble: Slut.
Monty: Whore.
P.C.: You're Cinderella?
Buttons: Wa-hey!
P.C.: Shut up.
Cinders: Why?
P.C.: Your Fairy Godmother has told me to take you out tonight.
Cinders: Why? To try and keep me quiet?
P.C.: No, she said I was to keep you entertained. I'm having a Royal Ball and I thought I'd take you there.
Cinders: [Surprised] Oh.
Ness: What an excellent idea. Yes, yes. You two must go out. Get better acquainted, marry and live happily ever after, except for having to watch each other age before your very eyes and see all the bits that attracted you to each other in the first place become redundant and saggy.
[Everyone stares at her]
Ness: What? Oh I don't have a problem with marriage. I married him because he was redundant and sagging. And rich of course.
Cinders: Okay, come and pick me up at 7.
P.C.: We'll probably still be standing here at 7 waiting for our money.
Ness: Wait a minute Cinderella,
Dubble: Slut.
Monty: Whore.
Ness: Aren't you supposed to be cleaning Dubble Decker's underwear by sucking the stains out of the crotch?
Cinders: Oh yes, I forgot. Sorry maybe another night, eh?
Buttons: You're off the hook
P.C.: No! She said I've got to take her out tonight.
Ness: Well, maybe we can come to an arrangement.
P.C: What?
Ness: I will allow Cinderella the night off,
Dubble: What about my pants?
Cinders: I'll suck them tomorrow.
Ness: In return, you allow me more time to raise the money you require.
P.C.: Okay, deal. 7 O'clock. Here.
[P.C. & Buttons OFF]
Cinders: I'd better go and get ready.
[Cinders OFF]
Ron: Such language.
Dubble: Slut.
Monty: Whore.
Ness: Right girls, we're going to have to find something to pawn.
Dub & Mon: We're going to become prostitutes?
Ness: No, we need money quickly. Well have to find some sort of antique.
Ron: Wassat? [Falls asleep]
[Mother ON]
Mother: Baron, you've got a special visitor.
[Chris ON]
Chris: Hello little man, boy have I heard a bunch about you. Well you know how your pop died in a Hanoi hell hole of a P. O. W. camp? Well I was there with him, and when two men are enclosed in such personal and intimate circumstances for such a long time, certain moral principles go out of the window and basically, a hole is a hole, you know?
Mother: Er, Captain? Your story?
Chris: Oh yeah. Your great grandfather bought himself a watch before joining up for the First World War, he was captured behind enemy lines and had to keep that watch up his ass for 2 years so he could pass it (literally) on to his son (your grandfather) after the war. Your grandfather was wearing that watch when he was captured behind enemy lines during the Second World War. He kept that watch up his ass for 4 years before he was released and passed it on to his son (your father). Now your father was a bit crap and he broke the watch, but to keep up the family tradition he bought another time piece to take to a war with him. Unfortunately he died with this clock up his ass after the fifth year and he asked me to give it to you. So for another two years I kept this uncomfortable chronometer up my ass so I could pass this birth right on to you. And here it is.
[Monty & Dubble bring grandfather clock forward. Mother & Chris OFF]
Monty: How about this old thing? It must be an antique.
Ness: Yes, it is about time we got rid of that thing. It is a bit tatty.
Dubble: And it smells like poo.