Natural Born Cinders by Rhys Wilcox Act 1: Prologue V/O: The show you are about to see has been rated by the Pantomime Arts National Theatre Society and given the certificate, wank. That is to say that the script is wank, the storyline is wank, the actors are wank and the acting is wank. However, the third chair in the first scene of the second act is only mildly toss, and perhaps the only enduring element of this entire sad excuse for limp dick masturbation because the rest of the set and props are wank. The creators have requested that I deliver a warning. Time is not an important issue in this production, it does not obey the usual narrative rules. In other words, the writers have not only tried cheap commercial audience pulling tricks by copying a Tarantino title, but they've obviously ripped off Pulp Fiction to the hilt. Pathetic isn't it. Oh, by the way, this message is a recording, so if you've been 'whooping' or heckling me in an attempt to prove to your mates that you are either funny, hard or an arse hole - congratulations on getting option three. Please leave your message after the tone. [Beep] [Malori & Michael ON] Malori: Have you been doing this sort of thing long then Michael? Michael: About fifteen years Malory. Malori: That's Mal-or-i, with an 'i'. It's more cool, like Nikki, or Andi. Michael: Is it. Malori: You should call yourself Mikki. Michael: No. Anyway, I started off playing Mark Anthony at the Crawley Leisure Centre when I was 20 and have progressed since then. I was at the Barbican last season. Malori: Playing? Michael: Widow Twanky. Frank Bruno has become passe I understand. He had to return to his previous profession. How about you? Malori: Oh, I got a job as a secretary with the BBC, shagged John Birt, got a guest appearance on Biker Grove, shagged Toby Anstis (had to get him very drunk first though obviously), and then did a week presenting in 'the broom cupboard'. Oh and I'm completely mad. Michael: Really. Oh, I think we're ready. Ladies and Gentlemen! Malori: Hello boys and girls, Michael: Welcome ... Malori: Mums and Dads, Michael: Welcome to ... Malori: Aunts and Uncles, Michael: Yes, yes. Welc ... Malori: Third and fourth cousins, [Michael stares at Malori, waiting] Michael: Finished? Malori: Not really, but I suppose you'd better go on. Michael: Welcome to ... Malori: Oh and a special hello to Jimmy Edwards whose birthday it is today. His parents sent in this picture of him with Thomas the Tank Engine and asked for a special magic bunny hop for every year of his age. [Gets out rabbit and starts bouncing it] Malori: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, [Pause, Michael goes to start] Malori: 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, [Again] Malori: 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, Michael: Please! Malori: Sorry. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Fairy Land. A beautiful land filled to the brim with love and happiness and milk and honey. Malori: Sounds a bit girly to me. Michael: Yet in this verdant land there is an isolated spot of unhappiness. A young girl is abused and maltreated by her step family. Who can save her from this life of dirt and depravity? Malori: Sounds a bit rugby playerish to me. Michael: Who will rescue this young flower of beauty and lift her to the position in society that so richly befits her? Malori: Sounds a bit, er, something to me. Michael: Oh do shut up you fucking moron. Malori: Sounds a bit ... rude. Scene 1: Royal Ball. [Ugly Sisters sitting facing one another stage centre] Monty: I am getting so fed up with this place. Dubble: Well you shouldn't come here any more. Monty: I don't mean this place. I mean our whole situation. Dubble: Wassat? Monty: Well, look at us. We're ugly, we're shag monsters, we smell worse than cat food. We can't tie our own shoe laces, bath ourselves, sit up straight, pay attention stop yawning. Dubble: Or fart without shitting ourselves. Monty: Exactly. Dubble: And? [As if to say 'so what?'] Monty: I haven't finished yet. Garcon, more wine here please. There's nothing actually wrong with all that. The worst part is the way we get treated like second rate characters. Everyone thinks we're just two dimensional personalities. Dubble: What? Just because we smell like rotten cat food? Monty: No it's .. Dubble: What? Just because we shit ourselves? Monty: Well, perhaps a bit, but not really. It's .. Dubble: What? Just because when I walk there's this loud rasping noise comes from my crotch that sounds like I'm grating a guitar with my thighs? [Waitress ON] Monty: Yes, but not entirely. It's .. Waitress: Garcon is French for boy. Monty: FUCKING SHUT UP! It's because we're women. Dubble: 'We'? Monty: Yes 'we'. Waitress: You don't look like one. Monty: Yes I do. [To Audience] Don't I look like a woman boys and girls? ['Are You Talking To Me?'] Monty: Yeah I'm talking to you. Do I look like a woman or what? ['Are You Talking To Me?'] Monty: Well I don't see nobody else I could be talking to! ['Are You Talking To Me?'] Monty: Don't you lot turn out to be chauvinist oppressive bourgeois proletariat marxist capitalist ... er, somethings.. I'll see you later. Oh yes, you'll see. I know where you live. Dubble: Yeah! Why don't you piss off and play in your own street you little buggers. I'll call your dad, Jimmy Nosehairs, and tell him what you've been up to, you see if I don't. Monty: Calm, calm. Anyway, I am a bloody woman, and we are oppressed because of it. Waitress: But how are we supposed to rise up against an ideology that has become integral to the basic fabric of the society in which we live today? Dubble: Eh? Waitress: Do we fight fire with fire and turn against men to the same extent that we ourselves have been victimised over the generations. Or is it simply enough to recognise the problem and ensure everyone becomes aware of the issues involved and can change them within themselves. Monty: Yeah, yeah, very good darling. Haven't you got any washing up to do or something? Waitress: Oh yeah. [Waitress OFF] Monty: Anyway, I'm not talking about every woman. Dubble: No? Monty: No, I'm talking about us and the way everyone just treats us as if we're just parts of the scenery. Dubble: Yeah, we're leading characters, component elements to the plot, form and direction of an otherwise aimless piece of variety theatre. Monty: Exact .. [double take] Exactly. That's why we're going to kill everyone. Dubble: Everyone here? Monty: And everyone who doesn't pay us any respect. Dubble: Oh. Wow. Can I be Thelma? Can I can I can I? Monty: If you want. Dubble: Let's do it, now. Monty: I love you Dubble Decker. Dubble: I know, that's how come I know you're not a woman. Monty: It doesn't matter. Dubble: Oh, okay. I love you too Monty Carla Or. Monty: [Stands on chair] Okay, everybody be cool, this is women's lib. Dubble: [Stands] Any of you fucking pigs move, and I'll execute every mother-fucking last one of you! [Misirlou. 3 Mexicans ON] Scene 2: Driving. (Good Luck). Buttons: So, Prince Charming, tell me about Fratton again. P.C.: What do you want to know Buttons? Buttons: Incest is legal right? P.C.: It's legal but it ain't a hundred per cent legal. I mean, you can't just go up to your mother in the middle of Sainsbury's and start doing her over a trolley. They want you to do it in specified designated areas. Buttons: And that's Somerstown right? P.C.: Right. Basically it breaks down like this; it's legal to do it, as long as the cops don't catch you, but if they do catch you, just offer them your sister for half an hour and everything's cool. Buttons: Oh man. I'm fucking going, that's all there is to it. P.C.: I know baby, you dig it the most. But you know the funny thing about Fratton? Buttons: All the children are really ugly? P.C.: Apart from that. Buttons: What? P.C.: It's the differences. I mean they got everything there that they got here, it's just that they're a bit different that's all. Buttons: Example. P.C.: You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Fratton? Buttons: They don't call it a quarter pounder with cheese? P.C.: No man, all they've got is fucking kebab shops, they wouldn't know what a fucking hamburger is. Buttons: So what do they call it? P.C.: I told you, they don't have any. Buttons: So what do they call a Big Mac? P.C.: They don't have hamburgers. They don't call it anything. Buttons: Le Big Mac, ha ha ha. P.C.: What the fuck are you talking about? Buttons: What do they call a Whopper? P.C.: THEY DON'T HAVE BURGERS!!! Buttons: Alright, calm down. Nervous about your 'date' tonight? P.C.: Don't call it a date, it's not a date, the Fairy Godmother just told me to take her out. To entertain her. Buttons: Well if you're so confident about your motivations, why are you getting so upset? P.C.: This is one of the Godmother's girls man. Speaking of which, did you here about the Big Bad Wolf? Buttons: Uh uh. PC: The Godmother had his head chopped off. Buttons: Shit, what for? PC: You ever given someone a foot massage? Buttons: I am the fucking foot massage master. PC: The Godmother caught him in Granny's house with Little Red Riding Hood. Buttons: And he got his head cut off for giving her a foot massage? That is way too extreme. P.C.: No no. She caught him trying to eat her. Buttons: He was devouring her? P.C.: No man, you know, eat her. [Makes wolfy slurping noises] Buttons: No wonder he got his head chopped off, he sounds as if was rabid. P.C.: No! He was [Lewd gesture] eating her. Buttons: You mean? P.C.: Yes. Buttons: Eurgh. P.C.: What? So you don't then? Buttons: No man, I don't eat women. P.C.: But why? Fanny tastes good, labia tastes good, hairy axe wound taste good. Buttons: Listen, sweaty, salty beef curtains may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know because I wouldn't put my face near any part of the body directly connected to human waste disposal. P.C.: The arse hole's directly connected to waste disposal. Buttons: I don't eat arse hole either. P.C.: You kiss the Godmother's arse enough. [Boom Boom] Buttons: Okay, we're here. P.C.: So what do we do? Buttons: We go in, get the money, then leave, okay? P.C.: And promise me one thing. Buttons: What's that? P.C.: None of your Bible shit okay? Buttons: Oh alright. [Jungle Boogie] Scene 3: Bust's Mansion. [BaroNESS ON] Ness: Hello children. I'm Baroness Bust, but you will probably know me better, if not somewhat stereotypically, as the wicked stepmother. Now, before we go any further, I would like to take a brief moment of your time to discuss this epithet, 'wicked'. As far as I'm concerned, to rip a kitten's head off may be considered to be a 'wicked' act. But then again, because youthful feline decapitation is only viewed with this one blinkered philosophy, you could see how easy it would be to become wrongly judged by one simple, off the cuff action. To elaborate, I agree that rendering a young moggy bonceless with but a flick of the wrist is wicked, if done without due course or reason. For example, if said juvenile felix vulgaris had rabies say, then it would be an act of humanitarian defence. If the baby cat had myxomatosis, then the dreadful deed would be considered to be a mercy killing; putting the potential mouser out of its misery. Or perhaps even more understandable, the beheading of le petit chat, by a mere wrenching of a clasped hand because the little sod crapped in one of your best shoes, would be deemed as a legitimate, justified act of vengeance in any law court around the world. But not the social court of your peers and financiers it would seem. Dubble Decker! Monty Carla Or! Come here please. [Uglies ON. Sit On My Face] Ness: Yes, yes. Stop flirting. Monty: What do you want Mother? Dubble: Yes, we were rather busy. Ness: Yes I can tell, do yourself up. Dubble: Oops, sorry. Ness: Anyway, I was just trying to explain to the audience the reasons for our impecuniosity. Dub & Mon: [Aghast] The results were positive? Ness: No! Dub & Mon: [Elated] The results were negative? Ness: No! Dub & Mon: It was a draw! Ness: Not the results! I only sent the samples off yesterday. I meant our unfortunate position of lack of monetary funds. Dub & Mon: Eh? Ness: We're fucking brassic! Dub & Mon: Oh. Ness: And I was just saying how embarrassing it is to be slandered and vilified for being publicly caught administering a bit of heavy hand action to a painful pussy. Dubble: I know that one all too well. Monty: At your age as well mother. Ness: Sometimes I wonder how you two would have turned out if you had been a product of interbreeding. Dubble: Where is daddy? Ness: I told you, I never knew .... He's downstairs with Cinderella. Dubble: Slut. Monty: Whore. Ness: Now there's an idea. [BaRON ON] Ron: Hello ladies. Monty: Piss off you decrepid old fart. Dubble: Yeah. Up yours you wrinkly old git. Ron: Ah, my wonderful, gracious, loyal daughters. If only Cinderella was as charming and pleasant as you two. Dub & Mon: Bollocks. Ron: Hello dearest wife. Ness: Blistered bell ends and puss my dear. Ron: How well you have managed our family my sweet, and what a wonderful job you have done handling my personal accounts and family fortune. And there was everyone else saying you'd be like Anna Nicole Smith, and bump me off after the second month. Ness: [Aside] God knows I tried. Ron: Eh? Ness: I said 'Blood blows my thighs'. Ron: Yes yes, I know my love. Anyway my sweet, I was wondering if there was any chance of an [coughs, nudges, winks] early night tonight. Ness: But it's ten in the morning. Ron: The earlier the better eh? [Starts cackling, coughing, has asthma attack] Dub & Mon: This time, this time. Ness: God bless the insurance. [Ron suddenly stops] Ron: Ah, that's better. Have I had my breakfast? Ness: Yes. Ron: Did I like it? Ooh, who are all these people in my living room? ['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?'] Ron: Eh? ['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?] Ron: EH? ['ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?'] Ron: Yes, yes, of course you can bring your chums over for tea. Michael: Your ladyship, two gentlemen are here for an audience. Dubble: Men? Monty: Two? Dubble: Don't be greedy. Monty: One more and I could have a sailor in every port. Dubble: One each! Ron: What's for pudding? Ness: Send them in Michael. Malori: He's calling himself Mikki now. Michael: No I'm bloody not, it sounds like a sodding dolphin's name. Ah, your ladyship, Prince Charming and Buttons. Ness: Shit! Why didn't you tell me it was them. We're out! Malori: Or perhaps Princi and Butti. Michael: Do shut up. [P.C. & Buttons ON] Ness: Good day gentlemen, what can I do for you? Dub & Mon: What can we do for you? Ron: Is it bob-a-job already. Get them to clean out the chimney, and after, if they're still breathing, give them half a crown each and a mug of hot milk for their troubles. P.C.: Baroness Bust, we have been sent by the Fairy Godmother to collect the money you owe. Buttons: Genesis 1, verse 1. In the beginning .. P.C.: You promised. Ness: But the Godmother said payment wasn't due until next month. P.C.: Well after being caught manhandling your ferret, Monty: Pussy. Ness: Cat! P.C.: Whatever, the Godmother decided you were no longer a viable client she wished her name to be associated with, she doesn't like to deal with 'wicked' people. Buttons: And lo the earth dids't open beneath the feet of the wicked, P.C.: Leave it! Ness: It's such a relative term though. Look, I'll tell you what we'll do, how about payment in kind? Buttons: What kind? Ness: Kind of like my daughters. Dubble Decker and Monty Carla Or. P.C.: 'Monty Carla Or'? What a stupid name. Dubble: It's because when you go out with her, it's always a gamble that you might leave with more than you went in with. P.C.: And Dubble Decker's not much better. Monty: She can take 23 riders on top, 30 downstairs, and another 5 standing. Dubble: But don't stand in front of this line or distract the driver while the vehicle is in motion! Buttons: What's that mean? Monty: If she's rocking, don't come knocking. Ness: Well? Buttons: And yea God said, 'And man shall not lie with the beasts of the field.' Ron: Amen to that reverend! Dub & Mon: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, Ness: We can supply our own brown paper bags, Buttons: I'd rather have a polythene bag, a noose and a satsuma segment thank you. P.C.: Mmmm, satsuma. Dub & Mon: If you really need me, stick it up my fanny, Ness: Give it a rest girls, I don't think it's going to work. Dub & Mon: Bugger! P.C.: We're not to leave until we're paid. Ness: We'll have to pool our resources. Girls, go and unlock your special stashes. Monty: But mother, we haven't worn our chastity belts for ages. Ness: Can you just do one thing that I ask you too, without twisting into some lewd connotation concerning your sexual voracity. It is getting rather tiresome. Dubble: YOU WANT US TO DO WHAT WITH AN EGG WHISK? Monty: Calm, calm. Ness: Bring me some money! Dub & Mon: Dad! [Ron has been snoozing] Ron: Wassat! Man the barricades, swab the poop decks, mount the yardarm and save the strawberries, we're being invaded! Is it tea time? Ness: He hasn't any money. Why do you think we're in this mess? Monty, look down the back of the sofa. Dubble: I've got a secret saving place, I'll look there. [Aside to Ness] I have a gun. Ness: Good girl. [Dubble OFF] Ness: Anyway, about this 'wicked' business. You do know that it's not necessarily a derogatory title don't you. P.C.: How do you mean? Ness: Well, I could be the 'wickid' step mother. You know, cool. Buttons: What, you mean the big 'bad' wolf might not have been bad bad. Ness: Yes, a prime example, he is a severe homey. He's got a real cool head on his shoulders. P.C.: It's more of a green, pusy, steaming head above the Godmother's fire place. [Dubble screams ON holding turd out like gun] Dubble: Die you motherfuckers! [Everyone is in Pulp Fiction positions. P.C. & Buttons stand together inspecting their bodies for bullet holes, stare moodily at Dubble (see plan). People probably won't get this so don't expect a huge laugh. It's not meant to be a joke, just something for the fans] Monty: Calm, calm. Ness: Where's your secret saving place? Dubble: Under the floorboards under the bed. Ness: A bit dark then, difficult to distinguish objects. Dubble: A bit. Ness: Have you saved anything else recently, except the gun? Dubble: Er, I seem to recall doing an absolute prize poo once. Yes, I saved that. Ness: It was a nice try my dear and an easy mistake to make. [Cinders ON] Cinders: Hello everybody, hello boys and girls. Dubble: Slut. Monty: Whore. Cinders: Hello father, I hope you are well today. Ron: You're such an insolent little tramp. My god, in my day we used to show our elders some respect otherwise we'd be paying a visit to Mr Cat O' Nine Tails at Mrs Punishment's cellar. Cinders: Oh father, I wish you could understand me. Ron: Ooh! Such language I wouldn't expect to hear from a common prostitute having the largest cock she's ever had stuffed her slackened fanny, and come like a trooper for the first time in her life. Dubble: That's Maddona's 'Like a Virgin' isn't it? Monty: It could be considered it's crudest interpretation, yes. Ness: Sorry, excuse me? Don't mean to interrupt but what are you doing up here? You're supposed to be scrubbing the street. Cinders: I've done it. Ness: All of it? Cinders: Yes, it shines like the yellow brick road. Hello, who are you? P.C.: I'm Prince Charming and this is my partner Buttons. Buttons: And indeed they were blessed .. P.C.: Oi! Cinders: You work for the Fairy Godmother don't you. Buttons: Yeah, so who are you? Cinders: I'm Cinderella. Dubble: Slut. Monty: Whore. P.C.: You're Cinderella? Buttons: Wa-hey! P.C.: Shut up. Cinders: Why? P.C.: Your Fairy Godmother has told me to take you out tonight. Cinders: Why? To try and keep me quiet? P.C.: No, she said I was to keep you entertained. I'm having a Royal Ball and I thought I'd take you there. Cinders: [Surprised] Oh. Ness: What an excellent idea. Yes, yes. You two must go out. Get better acquainted, marry and live happily ever after, except for having to watch each other age before your very eyes and see all the bits that attracted you to each other in the first place become redundant and saggy. [Everyone stares at her] Ness: What? Oh I don't have a problem with marriage. I married him because he was redundant and sagging. And rich of course. Cinders: Okay, come and pick me up at 7. P.C.: We'll probably still be standing here at 7 waiting for our money. Ness: Wait a minute Cinderella, Dubble: Slut. Monty: Whore. Ness: Aren't you supposed to be cleaning Dubble Decker's underwear by sucking the stains out of the crotch? Cinders: Oh yes, I forgot. Sorry maybe another night, eh? Buttons: You're off the hook P.C.: No! She said I've got to take her out tonight. Ness: Well, maybe we can come to an arrangement. P.C: What? Ness: I will allow Cinderella the night off, Dubble: What about my pants? Cinders: I'll suck them tomorrow. Ness: In return, you allow me more time to raise the money you require. P.C.: Okay, deal. 7 O'clock. Here. [P.C. & Buttons OFF] Cinders: I'd better go and get ready. [Cinders OFF] Ron: Such language. Dubble: Slut. Monty: Whore. Ness: Right girls, we're going to have to find something to pawn. Dub & Mon: We're going to become prostitutes? Ness: No, we need money quickly. Well have to find some sort of antique. Ron: Wassat? [Falls asleep] [Mother ON] Mother: Baron, you've got a special visitor. [Chris ON] Chris: Hello little man, boy have I heard a bunch about you. Well you know how your pop died in a Hanoi hell hole of a P. O. W. camp? Well I was there with him, and when two men are enclosed in such personal and intimate circumstances for such a long time, certain moral principles go out of the window and basically, a hole is a hole, you know? Mother: Er, Captain? Your story? Chris: Oh yeah. Your great grandfather bought himself a watch before joining up for the First World War, he was captured behind enemy lines and had to keep that watch up his ass for 2 years so he could pass it (literally) on to his son (your grandfather) after the war. Your grandfather was wearing that watch when he was captured behind enemy lines during the Second World War. He kept that watch up his ass for 4 years before he was released and passed it on to his son (your father). Now your father was a bit crap and he broke the watch, but to keep up the family tradition he bought another time piece to take to a war with him. Unfortunately he died with this clock up his ass after the fifth year and he asked me to give it to you. So for another two years I kept this uncomfortable chronometer up my ass so I could pass this birth right on to you. And here it is. [Monty & Dubble bring grandfather clock forward. Mother & Chris OFF] Monty: How about this old thing? It must be an antique. Ness: Yes, it is about time we got rid of that thing. It is a bit tatty. Dubble: And it smells like poo. Ness: On the other hand, we too shall go to the Royal Ball this evening, get some extremely rich blokes very drunk, take photos of them in compromising positions and blackmail them. Monty: But mother, we're a bit tatty. Dubble: And we smell of poo. How will we do it? [Keep Young & Beautiful] [Let's Stay Together] Scene 4: Godmothers Hide Out [Godmother & Cinders] FGM: You see Cinders, it's a simple choice, there is nothing to think about here. It's pay back time, you owe me big and I'm calling in my debts. Big things are occurring this Christmas and I aim to be the leader in all operations this festive season. Unfortunately my main competitor has, shall we say, the monopoly over the yule tide operations at this time. I need somebody I can trust to infiltrate his business, find out how he runs things, and then, at the appropriate moment, erase him from the equation. You understand what I'm saying? [Cinders goes to speak] Cinders: ... [See] FGM: Now before you do say anything I know that you're feeling a sting. That's pride fucking with you. You got to fuck pride and see what's best for you. So are we cool? Are you my man? Cinders: Certainly not. FGM: Eh? Cinders: I'll have no part of your nefarious activities. And as for these so called favours I owe you, well quite frankly you can blow them out of your ear. I don't think any of them amount to erasing anyone from any equations. FGM: But Cinders, surely even you can see the good that you'd be doing from this operation? Cinders: What good could come from killing someone? Especially from killing Santa Claus? FGM: I thought as much. Your brain has been polluted by the lies of a million parents that Santa is a good person, a warm and loving person. Cinders: Like you? FGM: But he is not, he is a cold and murdering individual who destroys the very families that swear of his generosity and good standing. Cinders: Like you. FGM: No Cinders, not like me. Parents tell their kids at an early age that Santa is responsible for giving them all the things they want at Christmas, they believe in Santa because they believe that their parents wouldn't lie to them. They believe in Santa with a passion because he is responsible for their joy. I on the other hand am a myth system, I am a positive image because children believe that somewhere, I can make wishes come true for somebody, but not everybody. Santa infects everybody. He is a cancerous growth that infects every life and every generation. When the children find out Santa doesn't exist, they find out that their parents lie to them and they can no longer trust them, which generates family disharmony, cat kicking, inner city strife, crime, violence, war, and finally the ultimate destruction of the human race. Cinders: You had me going for a minute then, but you had to go too far didn't you? No-one kicks cats because of Santa. I'm not doing it. FGM: You don't seem to understand the seriousness of your situation Cinders. Cinders: I understand perfectly, and believe me, if anything untoward even appears as if it's going to happen to me, I shall have no qualms about shopping you to the coppers. FGM: You dare to threaten me? Cinders: This isn't a threat, it's a warning. [Fairy GodDaughter ON] FGD: Mum, I'm bored. FGM: Not now, girl. I'm busy. Now look Cinders, FGD: MUM! FGM: Daughter, I'm dealing with someone, how many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt me while I am dealing with someone, it ain't ladylike and I'm trying to bring you up to be like a lady. FGD: So what am I supposed to do while I'm waiting for you? FGM: I don't know, I ain't a lady. Do something that ladies do. FGD: What? FGM: Cinders, what do ladies do? Cinders: They don't fart in the bath. FGM: Not very relevant now, but could be useful information to know for later. What else do they do? Cinders: They powder their noses. FGM: Aha! Good one. Daughter, go and powder your nose. FGD: Cool. [FGD OFF] FGM: Cinders you have disappointed me, I figured you for a woman of more sense than that, but I guess I was wrong. Cinders: On the contrary Fairy Godmother, you was right, I am a woman of great sense, that is why I shan't get involved. [Cinders OFF. Fairy Goddaughter ON face covered in white powder. She is stoned] FGD: Oh yeah, I like being a lady alright. FGM: Oh shit, are you stoned? FGD: The r-hane h-in sp-hain st-hays m-hainly h-in the pl-hain. FGM: By George I think she is. [PC & Buttons ON] FGM: Gentlemen, over here please. PC: How you doing Godmother? [Kisses her ring (the one on her finger)] Buttons: Godmother. [Does likewise] FGM: It's good of you gentlemen to come see me so quickly at such short notice. PC: You got a job for us? FGM: Slow down Prince, we don't need to discuss business so rashly. Daughter, go do something ladylike. FGD: What this time? FGM: I told you, I ain't no lady, I don't know. What do ladies do? Buttons: They don't spoon it back into your mouth after you've come. FGM: Not relevant for the situation, but perhaps worth remembering for the future. What else? PC: They clean stuff don't they? Buttons: Yeah, that's right, bathrooms and shit. FGM: Go clean the bathroom. FGD: Shit. [FGD OFF] FGM: I have a couple of jobs for you, three to be precise. Firstly, FGD: [Shouts from Offstage] Mum! FGM: What? FGD: What do I clean it with? FGM: I don't know. What does she clean it with? PC: Jiff? Jiff's good. I use Jiff. Buttons: I prefer Ajax. PC: Ajax scours my surfaces. FGM: Whatever. Buttons, go see that she's okay. Buttons: Sure. [Buttons OFF] FGM: Okay. Firstly, the Busts have made themselves unprofitable clients and I wish to terminate our agreements. PC: [Makes gun out of fingers] Terminate? FGM: If the situation cannot be resolved amicably. I want the money by the end of this week. PC: Consider it sorted. FGM: Secondly, I need you to pick up a pet I ordered from the shop, here's the address. I need this done today. PC: No problem. FGM: Thirdly, it has recently turned out that I need some P.R. work done. I need you to take Cinderella out. PC: You want me to take her out? FGM: No, I want you to take her out. PC: That's what I said. FGM: Do it tonight, I want you to keep her out of my way at the ball. Keep her busy. Take her out. PC: Okay. FGM: I got things to sort, I'll catch up tonight. [FGM OFF] Buttons: [From offstage] Oh fuck! Prince get here quick. [Jack Rabbit Slim's Twist Contest] Scene 5: Royal Ball. [PC & Cinders sit centre stage] [PC is wearing 'classic' costume, Cinders could be wearing 'Mia' wig] Michael: My lords, ladies and gentlemen, be upstanding for Prince Charming and Cinderella. Malori: Cindi. Michael: I'm going to fucking swing for you in a minute. Cinders: Did you see those two dancing up there. What did they think they looked like? PC: They didn't look too bad. I've seen worse down here on a Wednesday night. Cinders: And did you see the state of her hair, what a dog. PC: I thought she looked quite attractive Cinders: But that hair, I mean, it's obvious it's not natural. PC: How can you tell? Cinders: Look! She doesn't shave her armpits. PC: Maybe they're bleached. Cinders: Well, look at her pubes then! PC: Oh alright then. Cinders: Can we change the subject, I don't want you to talk about other women while we're out on this date. PC: It's not a date, don't call it a date, this isn't a date. Cinders: Whatever. I must say, you do have excellent balls though Prince. PC: Sorry what? Cinders: And they're so big as well. PC: I knew this costume was too tight. Cinders: Why are you dressed like that? You didn't say tonight was fancy dress. PC: It's not. It's a long story. But enough about me, what were you saying about my balls? Cinders: Oh look, those two pratts have finished. Can we have a go? PC: No no no. Cinders: What do you think children? Should Prince Charming and I enter that competition? ['Are you talking to me?'] Cinders: Yes, I am talking to you, you silly billys. Should we have a go? ['Are you talking to me?'] Cinders: Yes, how many times? Yes. ['Are you talking to me?'] Cinders: [To Prince] Have they been like this all night? PC: I think they've been watching too much 'Taxi Driver'. Cinders: Anyway, the Godmother told you to take me out and do whatever I want to do, and I want to win that trophy so you'd better dance good. PC: Okay. [MC ON] [Might want a microphone] MC: Let's have a big hand for our next two contestants. What's your name little lady? Cinders: [High-pitched and soft] Cinderella. MC: And how about your fella here? Cinders: [deep] Prince Charming. MC: Okay, lets see what you can do. Take it away! [Never Can Tell into Doop. PC and Cinders do fast shitty twist] [Cinders and PC back at seats] Cinders: What a jip! Second place! PC: The music was against us. Cinders: You rule here, can't you change the result? PC: That would hardly be fair. Cinders: Nuts to fair, I want that trophy. [Strop] [Silence] Cinders: Don't you just hate that? Those long embarrassed silences. PC: Especially when you can feel a really big fart pushing out. Now that would be embarrassing farting during an embarrassed silence. You'd be having an embarrassing embarrassed silence. Cinders: But at least it would break the ice though. PC: Would you like me to..? Cinders: No no, well only if you really want to. Don't do it especially for me. PC: If you're sure you don't mind. Cinders: It's your party. PC: And I'll fart if I want to. Cinders: Exactly. PC: [Strains for a moment] No, it has slipped back up and I don't want to shit myself. Cinders: Who would? PC: Quite. Oh, there it is. [STRAINS] Oh no, I do need a shit. Cinders: Don't you just hate it when that happens? PC: Yes. [Both laugh] Cinders: Well, there certainly are a lot of people here. PC: Yes, my big balls are very popular. Cinders: I can see that. PC: Oh no. Can you? Cinders: There's the godmother over there, talking to Buttons. He's dressed up like a pratt as well. There's the Fairy Goddaughter. Oh look there's Dubble Decker and Monty Carla Or having a go at one of your waitresses. And there's my father and step mother, this is a first, everyone out of the house. [Silence] Cinders: Are you seeing anyone at the moment? PC: No. Cinders: You've had quite a few girlfriends haven't you? PC: Well, I've had my fair run. Cinders: [Hugh Grant type stuttering] And what exactly is a 'fair run' these days? PC: I don't know, I never counted. Let's see; number 1, [laughs to himself], you never forget your first and there's always a special bond between you and your grandfather. 2 was good, 3; first time to use a condom; bit of a disaster, 4 was one of my teachers, Cinders: Teacher? How old are you here? PC: 5 was the canteen lady, Cinders: How old are you? PC: [Chuckle] 6 through to 16 was the girls first netball team plus reserves. All at once. Cinders: How old? PC: Oh, about 10 I think. Cinders: 10? 10 years old? 10? PC: Yeah. Cinders: And how old are you now? PC: 25. Cinders: Well, can we skip a decade or so and work out what a fair run is over the past few days. PC: Okay. 987,345, Sleeping Beauty; alright for a hundred year old bird but she did keep falling asleep on me. 987,346 Snow White, she was good but we couldn't go anywhere without these little blokes following us around. 987,347, Cinders: Don't bother. I don't care. I don't want to know. PC: Fair enough. [Silence] Cinders: [Resigned sigh] Do you want to go back to mine? PC: Yeah alright. [PC and Cinders OFF] [Pause] [Buttons walks across stage same way as PC and Cinderella] [Pause] [Uglies ON, Monty stands on chair, Dubble stands at other seat] Monty: Okay, everybody be cool, this is women's lib. Dubble: Any of you fucking pigs move, and I'll execute every mother-fucking last one of you. [Misirlou. 3 Mexicans ON] [Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon] Scene 6: Mansion. [PC and Cinders ON] Cinders: Drinks. Music. PC: I really do need a shit. Cinders: Is that all you can talk about? Can't you talk about football, or even the weather? Anything but your bowel movements. PC: [Thinks] Did you know the lower intestine is over 5 miles long? Cinders: Is it? Good lord, that's ... You're talking about your arse again! PC: Oops. Be back in a minute. [PC OFF] Cinders: At last I've got a chance to talk to you. ['Are You Talking To Me?'] Cinders: Oh don't start that again. I'm going to talk at you, not to you. I shall soliloquise, think aloud, voice my thoughts. I shall not however, talk to you. I've had a tough life. Being the only child to an old age father has its draw backs. I never knew my mother, and once or twice, father has claimed that he never knew her either. He said she came into his life, came, then left him crying in the damp patch. But then again, he has got altsimers and believes he is Elvis Presley sometimes. Despite popular belief, my step family haven't really been that bad to me. All that street scrubbing business is a show for any potential husbands the baroness may find for me. We both came to an agreement a long time ago, that we hate each other's guts and I should leave this shit tip as soon as possible, and at last I've found somebody I could really be compatible with - if you get my drift, plugs and sockets and all that. But I am not so blind to acknowledge he has a say in this. I mean, why would a royal prince be interested in an old scrubber like me. After all, it didn't work for Andy and Fergie. [PC ON] PC: Ooooph! I think I split myself in half. That was a giant redwood of a turd. Cinders: Yeah, thanks Prince, that's a little bit more information than I needed. PC: And those peanuts. Ow! Felt like it was wrapped in barbed wire. I thought I was going to prolapse, I was straining so hard. Cinders: Yes, thank you. PC: Did you get the drinks? Cinders: Well actually, I was kind of thinking, that is to say, if you wanted to and if you had the time that is, erm, I'm reminded of what David Cassidy once said which is that I love you and wondered if you might perhaps ... No, of course you wouldn't. Silly of me really, well it was nice meeting you again. Fuck, fuck, fuckidy-fuck. PC: Eh? Cinders: [Exasperated] Look, right, I bloody fancy you but I feel that I'm not exactly what you'd call 'in your league'. I'm not a Princess or anything and I'm feeling a bit insecure as to how you might feel about me. PC: Well, you've got a cracking pair of tits love. Cinders: That's not the sort of encouragement I was thinking of. [Kiss] Cinders: [Cheered up] Yes, that'll do it. You want to see my etchings. PC: No, but you could get your kit off. Cinders: If you want to go up to my room while I lock up, I'll be up in a minute. PC: You lock up, come up to your room, and I'll be up in a second. [PC OFF. Cinders goes to lock door, backs off as Buttons ON] Cinders: What are you doing here Buttons? The Prince is a bit busy at the moment. Buttons: It's you I've come to see Cinderella, not him. Cinders: Well, I'm afraid my schedule is filled with prospects of filling, so you'll have to excuse me. [Buttons draws gun. Starts doing Jimmy Cagney or Edward G. Robinson ('See')] Buttons: The only thing you're to be filled with is lead, sister. Cinders: But why? Buttons: You've rubbed the Godmother up the wrong way. Cinders: I beg your pardon? Buttons: You've crossed her for the last time. Cinders: I don't understand, she ... Buttons: She doesn't want you in the picture any more. Cinders: No really, I don't understand what you're saying. Buttons: You shall go to the big ball in the sky Cinderella. [Buttons goes to fire, shots sound from offstage and Buttons hams up a supreme death from multiple gunshot wounds. PC ON, possibly half dressed] Cinders: What did you do that for? PC: He was about to drill you. Cinders: Was he? It looked like he was going to shoot me. ['BOOM BOOM'] [PC & Cinders go to leave. PC discovers an over obvious origami (or something) unicorn] PC: Funny, I had a dream about one of these the other day. [Both OFF] Michael: Well, not much plot, storyline or methodology. But at least we've got that chair to look forward to in Act 2 Scene 1. Malori: It's just like the late night films on ITV isn't it? Michael: How so? Malori: Well, just as it gets interesting, you have to take a break for the news. Michael: Well, firstly it's not getting interesting, and secondly we're not getting a news break. Just a 20 minute break. Malori: Oh well, while you're all off getting your cokes and lemonades, here's the Animaniacs. [Animaniacs. 3 Mexicans ON] Act 2: [SING - A - LONG] Malori: Hello Children, welcome to part 2. Now in this part of the show we'll be asking some of you to phone in and play our interactive computer game 'Look out for those bogies', in which simply by pressing the appropriate numbers on your phone, you can guide a crapily drawn man skip around a purile maze and avoid the bogies that similarly crap people throw out of their windows. It's pointless, unentertaining, devised and drawn by a 2-year-old, but it does give me the opportunity to shout a lot and draw confusion over an otherwise piss-easy notion. But now, because everyone may have calmed down a bit during the intermission. We're going to have a sing- a-long. Michael: My lords, ladies and gentlemen, will you please be upstanding for the Fresh Prince Charming of Bell End. Malori: And Butti. [PC and Buttons and whoever else you may want on. Perhaps the 'Wickid' Stepmother] Ness: Yo yo people what's going down? The wickid step mother is in the house. PC: I think I preferred it when you strangled cats. Ness: I only did it because Santa doesn't exist. PC: Anyway, we think you will all know the words to this one, but a few cards are here to help. [Boom - Shake the Room 'Boom shake the room' 'Tick tick tick tick Boom' 'Pump it up Prince' 'Yeah' and 'Ho'] Scene 1: Royal Ball. [FGD centre. Stoned off titties. Chair with '3rd Chair' on it] FGD: [Commencing panic attack] If any of you sticky twigs groove, I'll educate every fun loving last one of you. [Misirlou. 3 Mexicans] Scene 2: Driving. Buttons: So, tell me about Fratton again. PC: I told you 20 times already, I ain't telling you again. Buttons: Just that bit about your mother in Sainsbury's. ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] PC: No! Buttons: The third commandment says 'Thou shalt not covet thy mother's ass' PC: Leave it! Look we're here, the pet shop. We go in, collect, and leave. Buttons: Okay. [Pet shop set up to side of stage. Zed & Maynard & John] [Zed is talking to John] Maynard: Can I help you gentlemen? PC: We're here for a pick up. Maynard: And what's the name? Buttons: The Godmother. Maynard: Ah, Zed, could I disturb you for a second? Zed: Sure what is it? Maynard: These two gentlemen are here for the Godmother's delivery. Zed: Okay then. Go get the Gump. Maynard: But the Gump's sleeping. Zed: Well I guess you'll just have to go wake him up now won't you? [Comanche. Bit of slow mo, as Maynard OFF. Perhaps Butch and Marcellus stagger across stage.] Zed: He'll be back in a second. John: Excuse me! Zed: Yes sir, what is it now? John: This parrot's bleeding demised. It is an ex parrot. Zed: Really sir. John: It's curled up it's toes and joined the choir invisible. It's shuffled off this mortal coil. It's fucking snuffed it. Zed: It's dead is it? John: Yes. Zed: Here's your money back, now piss off. John: [Looks at money. Disappointed] Oh. Zed: What? John: Do you sell any cheese? I can guess what type. Zed: No, this is a pet shop. John: Oh. So that's me finished then is it? Zed: Yep. John: Short but sweet I suppose. [JOHN OFF] Zed: Sorry about that. Ah, here's Maynard. [Maynard and Gump ON] Buttons: And where's the Godmothers pet? Maynard: This here is the Gump. Buttons: And? Maynard: The Gump is the Godmother's pet. Gump: Mama always told me never to piss into the wind. PC: Oh Jesus. [3 go back to car. Gump is on back seat in between PC and Buttons] Gump: Then in 1963 I was sent off to Vietnam. Now you may not believe me when I say I can run like the wind. Buttons: He is getting on my tits. PC: Why would the Godmother want someone like him hanging around. Gump: I said 'Jenny, I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is'. Buttons: Sycophantic bastard. PC: There must be someway to shut him up. Buttons: There, in that bag, what's in it? PC: You've got a bag of peanuts and a box of chocolates. Buttons: Give them to him, they might work. Gump: And mama used to say 'Take your time young man' and mama used to say 'Don't you rush to get old'. PC: I'll have the peanuts, I'm starving. Oi, Gump, have these. Gump: Mama always said 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get'. PC: Well look on the underside of the lid, they're all listed there. Gump: Huh? Buttons: All the chocolates are on the bottom of the lid so you know exactly 'what you are gonna get'. Gump: My Mama lied to me? Buttons: I bet she told you Santa doesn't exist. PC: After making you believe that he did. Gump: My Mama lied to me. PC: At least we know where your stupidity comes from. Buttons: You are stupid aren't you Gump? Gump: Stupid is as stupid does. Buttons: Was that a yes? PC: It's the same sort of answer as 'She's got a nice personality' when you ask if someone's ugly. Buttons: Who told you that Gump? Gump: My Mama. Buttons: Now, would you say that lying to a child about the existence, or lack thereof, of Santa is a stupid thing to do? Gump: I suppose. Buttons: And that's what your Mama did right? ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] Buttons: Not yours, his. Right? Gump: I suppose. Buttons: So, your Mama did a stupid thing and by that rationale, is therefore a stupid person, right? Gump: Well, Buttons: And everyone knows that stupidity is hereditary. Gump: My Mama says... [BANG. PC and Buttons have blood all over them] Buttons: Shit! What happened. PC: I just shot the Gump in the face. Buttons: What did you do that for? PC: I couldn't stand any more of the monotone sanctimonious bullshit. Buttons: Well we can't drive around covered in blood for the rest of the day. I know a safe hole around the corner. PC: 'Stupid is as stupid does' - Tosser. Buttons: What are we going to tell the Godmother? [Pet shop is now costume shop. Perhaps a change of signs] [Zed, Maynard and John.] Maynard: Yes gentlemen, how can I help? Buttons: We... [double take] Weren't you in the pet shop? Maynard: Ah, no sir. Rumour does have it that we have doubles running a pet shop further down the road. Buttons: Anyway, we need clothes. Maynard: I should say you do sir, your attire at present appears to be soaked in blood and other matter that is usually found to be safely stored within a cranial cavity. Buttons: What have you got? Maynard: Just a moment. Zed? Could you assist? Zed: What is it? Maynard: These gentlemen need costumes. Zed: Bring out the Crimp...olene suits Maynard: But the Crimp...olene suits are cheap. Zed: Well I guess you'd better go and put them up then. [Comanche Maynard OFF, Butch and Marcellus] John: Excuse me. Zed: Yes? John: I thought you said I didn't have any more to do? Zed: You don't. John: Oh. Right you are then. [John OFF. Maynard ON with costumes] Maynard: Right then, you two had better get out of those brain sodden clothes and into these. PC: Where are your changing rooms? Maynard: We don't have any. PC: Can we have a black out then, to denote the passing of time. Zed: Nope. [I Heard It Through The Grape Vine. PC and Buttons strip to amusing underwear. Put costumes partly on.] PC: Is this all you've got? Maynard: Apart from a couple of habits, but they're faded. Buttons: You mean they're bad. Maynard: Yes, and hard to die. ['BOOM BOOM'] Zed: And 'Nuns on the Run' was a shit film. PC: These leg-ins are a bit tight aren't they? Maynard: No, no, you both look lovely. Buttons: Shit, I wouldn't be seen dead wearing clothes like these. [Everybody looks embarrassed, and don't want to look Buttons in the eye] Zed: How will you be paying? PC: With our dignity. Scene 3: FGM's Hideout [FGD ON, sniffing] FGD: 'Be lady-like, do lady-like things, powder your nose, clean the bathroom, Ajax and Jiff, don't fart in the bath'. [Buttons ON] Buttons: Hey! Fairy Goddaughter, are you okay? FGD: Yeah, it's just that this being a lady business gets right up my nose. Buttons: So I see. FGD: Clean the bathroom, my arse. And why can't I spoon it back into his mouth? Buttons: It's not lady-like. FGD: If I was really training to be a lady, I should hire somebody to do all the dirty jobs. Buttons: What, blow jobs? FGD: No, the cleaning. Buttons: Oh! FGD: But yeah! I suppose that as well. Buttons: Why don't you tell her to leave you alone? FGD: Cos she's my mother. ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] FGD: I said 'My mother', and mothers are supposed to be nosey, interfering busy bodies. Ah, Ajax. [Sprinkles powder all over surface] FGD: Where's that bloke from 'Brushstrokes' when you need him? Buttons: Are you going to the ball tonight? FGD: Probably. Buttons: You want to go with me? FGD: I can't, it's not lady-like. I have to go with mother. Buttons: Oh. FGD: I can meet you there though if you want. Buttons: Yeah, alright. FGD: I mean, what am I training to be lady-like for? At the end of the day, we could all die tomorrow, or even some of us by the end of the day. Buttons: Huh, not me, I'm going to live forever. [FGD coughs with embarrassment] Buttons: Yeah, I can see it now. I'll settle down with someone, have a few kids and watch them grow up and have kids of their own. FGD: Don't get your hopes up. Buttons: What is that stuff around your face? FGD: Coke. Buttons: Isn't that something to do with coal? FGD: No. Buttons: A fizzy drink? FGD: No it's a narcotic. Buttons: What do you do with that? FGD: I'll show you. Buttons: [Whispers] Try it. Have some. Go on, do it. [etc] [FGD sprinkles powder from little bag over surface and snorts, has a fit and collapses] Buttons: Interesting. And now what? Fairy Goddaughter? Hello? Oh fuck! Prince, get here quick! [PC ON] PC: What's up? What's wrong with her? Buttons: I don't know, she just sniffed that. PC: Ajax? She's O.D.ed, get an adrenalin shot. Buttons: Right. [Buttons OFF, Pc drags FGD centre stage] [Buttons ON] Buttons: Shouldn't you loosen her clothes. PC: I don't usually on a fist date, but yes I think you're right. [Undoes her shoes, Buttons prepares shot] Buttons: Okay, it's ready. PC: I'm not doing it. Buttons: Nor am I. PC: Well, she'll just have to die then. Buttons: Okay, what do I do? PC: Stab her in the heart and push the plunger. Buttons: After three. PC: 1 [Pause] PC: 2 [Pause] Buttons: Can't we just give her a couple of Anadin and get her to call us in the morning? PC: No. 1 [Pause] PC: 2 [Pause] PC: Thr ... [FGD jumps up screaming] Buttons: I haven't done it yet. FGD: Well thank fucking Christ for that. I was only demonstrating to the children the many hazards of drug taking. PC: Well next time, bring out a record with Zammo and the Grange Hill gang. Buttons: That's a story to tell the grandchildren. [FGD & PC look at each other in embarrassment, smile and nod in mock agreement. Just Say No] Scene 4: Royal Ball [FGM & FGD] FGM: Okay, okay. No more 'lady-like' shit. I give in. FGD: None? FGM: None. No more curtsying, pronouncing your 'h's, and definitely no more nose powdering. FGD: But mum! FGM: No! I need you to be straight for this little job you got to do. FGD: What job? FGM: See Santa and his little helpers over there? You've just got to go over and infiltrate their group, find out what's going on and perhaps kill Santa. If he wants people to believe he doesn't exist, I'll do my best to bring his wishes true. FGD: I'll do it in a minute okay? FGM: Why? FGD: I said I'd meet Buttons here. FGM: Oh good, I've got to have a few words with him myself. [Buttons ON] Buttons: Hello Fairy Goddaughter, Godmother, how are you? FGD: Alright. Buttons: Look, I'm sorry about earlier. It didn't really set us off on the right foot, you know? FGD: Your telling me. Still, things can't get any worse. Buttons: You're right. [Things Can Only Get Better] FGD: [To FGM] It's a shame isn't it? FGM: I know. Buttons: So do you want to go out with me? FGD: No, I'm not into short term relationships. [FGD OFF] Buttons: Eh? FGM: Buttons, sit down. I need you to do something for me. Buttons: Anything. FGM: Prince Charming has screwed up and not done what I asked of him. Buttons: If this is about the Gump ... FGM: No, Cinderella. I told him to take her out. Buttons: He has. He's keeping her entertained. FGM: I told him to keep her busy and then kill her. So now you got to do it. Don't disappoint me. [PC & Cinders cross stage, Buttons follows] [Uglies ON and stand in position] Monty: Okay, everybody be cool, this is women's lib. Dubble: Any of you fucking pigs move, and I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you. [Misirlou] Scene 5: Royal Ball Michael: My lords, ladies and gentlemen, now presenting those two adorable, sensual, sexy personifications of henna, immac and oestrogen all lovingly wrapped in lycra and lamé. They're gagging for a shagging, gasping for a shafting, juicing for a loosening, grunting for a shunting and begging for a spreading. Malori: They're requesting a sexing. Michael: They are the chicks with no knicks, the dames with no shame, the women who want filling, the whores who do it on all fours. Malori: Those girls who think there's nothing finer, than to have a penis inserted up their vagina. Michael: The bitches with itches, the sisters who raise blisters, the daughters of Baron and Baroness Bust; Dubble Decker and Monty Carla Or. [Uglies ON and take seats at back corner of stage, run through dialogue at beginning of Act 1. Silently] [Little Green Bag. Dogs & Santa ON. Santa looking through little book] Santa: Toby Chew. Good. Toby Chan. Good. Brown: Whigfield's 'Saturday Night'. Blonde: It's about dancing right? Brown: Wrong. Blue: How's that go again? All: La Di Di Da Di Da Di Da Di Da Di Da. Blue: Oh yeah. Santa: Charlie Fucking Chan. Good. Brown: Whigfield's 'Saturday Night' is not about a girl chatting up a bloke at a nightclub, but a serious comment on the obvious undercurrent themes of male dominance being subjugated into a passive form of submissiveness and an ignored issue of masculine coercion and uprising matriarchy. [Silence everyone just stares at him] Santa: Vicky West. Very good. White: Give me that. [Takes book] Santa: Give me my fucking book back. White: Not until you promise to shut up. Santa: I've got to work out which children have been good or bad this year. [FGD ON] FGD: Sorry I'm late. Santa: That's okay, we haven't started yet. What's your name? FGD: Fair ... red. Santa: Eh? FGD: Fred. Santa: Well Fred, welcome to the Reservoir Santa's Little Helpers. Eddy. Eddy: Okay, this is going to be an in and out a few times mission. You'll be going in at midnight, down chimneys and dropping off presents to the good children. 'Cos this is top secret, you're all going to be given code names, don't tell anyone your real name, not your first name, surname, date of birth, or bar card number. Santa: Okay, so from now on, you're Mr Grumpy, Mr Happy, Mr Doc, Mr Sleepy, Mr Bashful, Mr Sneezy, and Eddy, you'll have to be Mr Dopey. Eddy: Why? Santa: 'Cos I've got seven fucking names and only six helpers. White: Mr Dopey. [All dogs start sniggering] Eddy: Fuck off! All of you fuck off! Pink: Hey, why am I Mr Bashful? Santa: 'Cos you're a fucking faggot. Blue: What's the problem, it's only a name. Pink: Okay, if it doesn't bother you, we'll trade okay? You be Mr Bashful and I'll be Mr Doc. Santa: There ain't going to be any trading, you're Mr Bashful and that's that. White: At least you're not Mr ... Dopey. [All snigger again] Eddy: Bastards. Santa: Okay, let's go to work. Dogs: Hi ho! [Uglies into position] Monty: Okay, everybody be cool, this is women's lib. Dubble: Any of you fucking pigs move, and I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you. ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] Monty: Who's mother? [Dogs draw guns] Dubble: Mother. [Ness & Ron with toaster ON] Ness: What is it my loves? Oh dear, what naughtiness have you been getting up to now? Monty: We were only asserting our femininity. Ness: But darling you're a man. Monty: Am not am not am not! Ron: [Sings] There may be trouble ahead. [Toast 'pops', all look at it] Michael: My Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, announcing the arrival of flesh ripping, searing hot lead. Malori: And his lady friend, agonising death. [Guns fire, Michael & Malori drop] Monty: Top of the world ma! ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] Busts: Shut up! [Busts get cut down in a hail of screaming death. Waitress ON and opens up with machine gun of sorts] Waitress: [Sings manically] Sisters are doing it for themselves! [Brown and Blue go down, FGD takes a slug in the gut, Waitress goes down. Dogs OFF] [I Gotcha] Scene 6: Driving [White driving, FGD lying in back] FGD: (General screams of pain) I'm going to die. God it hurts. [Blood squirts from back] White: You are not going to die. FGD: I'm going to die. White: Are you a doctor? Excuse me, are you a doctor? FGD: No. White: Then how do you know? Gut shots take a long time to kill you. You are not going to die. FGD: I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die. [Squirt. Something pink and wobbly flies forward (use a strip of sponge drenched in blood liquid)] White: Aaargh! FGD: What's that? White: I think it's a part of your lower intestine. FGD: I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die. White: Excuse me? Are you a doctor? FGD: I told you no. White: Well, I think you're going to die. [Squirt, squirt] Scene 7: Warehouse [FGD in corner, concealing toaster. Pink & White pacing] Pink: What the fuck happened back there? We must have been ratted on, we had to be. White: Look calm down, Santa will be here in a minute and he'll sort everything out. Sit down, relax. Pink: How can I relax, she's dying. White: Excuse me? Are you a doctor? Pink: No. You know they wouldn't let me. [Pink sits] Pink: One of us will have to go out and find out what's happening. White: Not me. Pink: Well I'm not doing it. White: Toss a coin? Pink: Look, we're mature adults, we can come to a amicable solution logically and maturely. White: Dip? Pink: Okay, I'll dip. White: No, I wanna dip. Both: Ip dip, sky blue, who's it not you. [Both point at each other in 'Dogs' pose] [Blonde ON with 'take away' drink] Blonde: You children should have used 'Ipper Dipper Dation'. White: Where have you been? Blonde: Big Kahoona's. Pink: Where's Doc and Grumpy? Blonde: Dead. White: How are we supposed to deliver these presents now. Blonde: Speaking of which, I've got a present for you. [Blonde OFF] White: Oh you shouldn't have. [Blonde & Godmother with sack over head ON. Put her in seat facing right] White: Ooh, ooh. Let me guess! Is it a bike? [Blonde pulls sack off] FGD: Mother. Blonde: What's the matter with her? Pink: Delirious. ['Wachusayabowmamutha?'] Blonde: What's the matter with them? Pink: Stupid. ['Are You Talking To Me?'] White: I'm sorry what? I didn't hear you, could you say that again? ['Are You Talking To Me?'] White: Are you talking to me? [Eddy ON] Eddy: Hey, you two, come with me and tie up the reindeer. White: Yeah, sure ... Dopey. [Sniggering] Eddy: Don't wind me up. What's the Godmother doing here? Blonde: I caught her sneaking out of the ball. Eddy: Find out if she knows anything. [Eddy, Pink & White OFF] FGM: I don't know anything. I haven't done anything. I wasn't even there when it happened. Blonde: I don't care what the fuck you know. I'm going to dance at you anyway. FGM: Noooooo! [Stuck In The Middle . All Dogs ON at 2nd verse, Hokey Cokey at chorus] [Blonde slices FGM's up stage ear off, ie. a fake one] Blonde: What's this I've got ear then? ['BOOM BOOM'] [FGD shoots Blonde] FGM & FGD: Are you okay? No. Oh. [Eddy, Pink & White ON] Eddy: What the fuck has been going on here? FGM: Mr Happy went mental. He sliced the Godmothers ear off, was going to kill her then kill me. Eddy: [To FGM] Is this true, was he going to kill you? FGM: Pardon? Eddy: Shame. [Eddy shoots FGM] Eddy: Now what was you saying? FGD: And he was dancing. Eddy: Not again. I'm so sorry about that. You're right, he was mental. [Santa ON] Santa: Is that the Godmother? Is she dead? Who killed her? Eddy: I did. Santa: What for? Eddy: Well she ... And he was ... But she said. White: By name and nature huh Dopey? Eddy: That's the last straw, you take that back or I'll kill you. [Eddy draws gun] Santa: Eddy, put your gun away. [Draws] Eddy: Put your gun down Santa. I ain't backing off until he apologises. White: Dopey Dopey Dopey. [Draws] [All 3 shouting 'Drop it', 'Put it down', 'I'll kill you', etc. Pink is agitated] Pink: Stoppit. This never happened in The Blues Brothers. Santa/Eddy/White: Eh? Pink: This is a Blues Brothers convention right? I mean the suits and everything. [3 just stare at him] Pink: Ah! Never mind. I'll see myself out. 'Rolling rolling rolling', ha ha. [3 shoot him] White: I hate that fucking song. [Other two nod in agreement] Santa: Where were we? FGD: [Sings] There may be trouble ahead. [Toast 'pops', bullets fly, all drop] [Coconut ] V/O: And now the Christmas message. Presented by form 2.B of Somerstown Mutant Junior School. Epilogue Gabriel: And I did appear to Mary in the shape of a dream and did tell her that she was to be having the baby Jesus even though she was still a, er, Virgil. And she was to tell her husband Joseph who was a carpenter. [Mary ON] Mary: I am Mary, and I am to be having the baby Jesus even though I am still a VIRGIN! God did come up me during the night and immaculately conceptualise me. Oh here is Joseph. My husband. [Joseph ON] [Joseph is suffering from stage fright throughout] Mary: Joseph, I am to be having the baby Jesus and we have to go to Bethlehem to pay our taxes. [Mary drags Joseph OFF] Gabriel: So Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem to pay a taxi. But so did everybody else and they found nowhere to sleep. [Mary ON with bump & Joseph. Innkeeper ON] Innkeeper: [Quickly] We have nowhere for you to be sleeping here or any where else for that matter. Mary: Oh Joseph, what shall we do? [Waits for Joseph's line] Mary: Oh look, an empty stable for us to share with all the animals inside. [Mary Drags Joseph OFF] Gabriel: So Joseph and Mary went to the stable where she dropped the baby Jesus and thought of its name. Mary: [Offstage] OH THAT HURTS! JESUS CHRIST THAT HURTS! [Mary, Joseph ON and sit by manger] Gabriel: Three shepherds did come to visit. [Shepherds ON] Shep 1: We are three shepherds who were washing our cocks, [Other 2 start giggling] Shep 1: and the gay angel briel told us to come here. Mary: Thank you very much. [Shepherds 1 & 2 start pushing each other a bit. 3 is pulling faces and waving to mum] Gabriel: And three wise men did come to visit. [Wise men ON] Wise1: We did follow a star here and you were here underneath it. Wise2: And we have brought you presents. Wise3: I'm supposed to say that. Miss Taylor! Wise1: Gold. Wise2: And Myrrh. Wise3: And Myrrh. Miss Taylor! Mary: Thank you. Perhaps now everybody will be giving presents to celebrate the baby Jesus's birthday. Gabriel: And everybody did stand around and did sing carols as well. [It's 'Little Donkey' but not] All: Little Jesus, Little Jesus, Coming out Mary's womb, Little baby, very crazy, Thinks he's Woody Harrelson. [Jesus/Mickey climbs out of manger. Malorie ON] Mickey: I'm just a Natural Born Christmas. Malorie: Let's kill everyone. Mickey: Okay. [General noises of carnage] Gabriel: And everybody did die horribly with a SLASH of a knife and the spilling of internal organs. And the British Board of Censorship did say that this was a bad influence on people and nobody should be able to watch anything bad again except fluffy bunnies and lovely songs. And God did agree and he came out to tell everybody off and spank their bottoms. [God ON, Christmas In Heaven & curtain call]