Beer Talk

John: Are you staying for another?
Dave: I don't know, I'm a bit strapped at the moment.
John: You're taking the piss.
Dave: What?
John: You get a full grant, you got your loan through two weeks ago, you got £400 from access funds, your parents send you £50 a week, and you work part time as a legal advisor charging £120 per hour.
Dave: That is a complete lie. It was only £150 from access.
John: On top of that you went on that National demo protesting student poverty.
Dave: You must support your fellow comrades during a time of crisis.
John: You told me you did it for a cheap trip down Oxford Street.
Dave: I protested student poverty.
John: How?
Dave: Just before I bought my Bjork CD
John: Bork
Dave: Bjork
John: Berk.
Dave: Whatever, CD for £13.99 in HMV, I said "I can't afford this, I'm a student".
John: But you still bought it.
Dave: Don't you bloody judge me. I'll have you know that it's my chief aim in life to become a member of the ruling classes. A beaujolais.
John: Bourgeoisie.
Dave: Whatever, and it is their task, their duty, to oppress and exploit the lower classes. So I figured I should start getting some practice in.
John: Oppressive bourgeoisie scum.
Dave: Depressing lower class oik.
John: Proud to be a proletariat.
Dave: Wonderful being a white upper middle class heterosexual male.
John: Capitalist.
Dave: Marxist.
John: Marxist with a clear conscience.
Dave: Capitalist with a clear overdraft.
[PAUSE]
John: Valid point.
Dave: Thank you.

Beer Talk 2

Dave:....Claustrophobia?
John: The irrational fear of confined spaces.
Dave: Agoraphobia.
John: The irrational fear of going to Ellie Jays.
Dave: No, not aggrophobia, agoraphobia.
John: Irrational fear of open spaces.
Dave: Correct. Xenophobia.
John: Irrational fear of foreigners.
Dave: Technophobia.
John: Irrational fear of The Prodigy.
Dave: Arachnophobia.
John: Irrational film with John Goodman.
Dave: Homophobia.
John: Narrow minded bigotry.
Dave: Acrophobia.
John: Er...
Dave: Irrational fear of unprotected heights.
John: Like?
Dave: Cliff edges.
John: What is irrational about being scared of cliff edges. It's more irrational not to be afraid of cliff edges. It should be an inverse phobia. People who aren't scared of cliff edges should be diagnosed as acrophobes and institutionalised as being terminally deranged.
Dave: You obviously feel quite strongly about this. Hydrophobia.
John: Irrational fear of water, or rabies as it is more commonly known.
Dave: Why's it called hydro and not aqua. I suppose it could get confused with aquarobics. Aerobics in water. Would that mean that accrorobics would be aerobics on cliff edges. Claustrorobics are done in little spaces,
John: Shut up.
Dave: Arachnorobics, spiders in Reeboks and leotards doing step ups to Cher fitness videos.
John: Can we get back to the game?
Dave: Lupophobia.
John: Er... don't know.
Dave: Irrational fear of wolves.
John: You're taking the piss.
Dave: I swear. Ranaphobia.
John: Don't Know.
Dave: Irrational fear of frogs.
John: Fuck off.
Dave: On my mothers life.
John: You can't say that.
Dave: Sorry. On my mothers grave. Bovinophobia, irrational fear of cows.
John: Do you suffer from JohnsmackingDaveinthefaceophobia?
Dave: No.
John: Then you've got nothing to fear.
[Blackout and punch]

Beer Talk 3 aka Spliff Talk

[Dave On]
John: Where have you been?
Dave: Puking my guts up.
John: So you don't want that other pint then?
Dave: I'm alright now.
John: You was just puking up, but you're alright now?
Dave: Yeah, well, time heals all wounds.
John: Does it?
Dave: Apparently.
John: Is that like laughter then?
Dave: What?
John: Healing.
Dave: No, laughter is the best medicine.
John: So would time use laughter in the process of healing all wounds.
Dave: Probably.
John: So if I had a wound, time would heal it by laughing at it.
Dave: Yeah.
John: How long would it take to heal?
Dave: Well, how long is time?
John: Wow. That killed the conversation.
Dave: Do you think..?
John: When I can, after all, I am.
Dave: Am what?
John: Rene des Cartes
Dave: You're Rene des Cartes?
John: No! I don't think so. Rene des Cartes's "I think therefore I am".
Dave: And am you.
John: I think so.
Dave: Well you must be then.
John: Exactly.
Dave: Well, do you think this time business is the same as, how long is a piece of string?
John: Fucking hell yeah. That killed the conversation as well.
Dave: I didn't mean that. How long is time? How long is a piece of string?
John: Fuck. Do you think that maybe time might be string.
Dave: Yeah. Who was that scientist?
John: Mr Henderson.
Dave: Who?
John: My A level physics teacher.
Dave: I went to a different school in a completely different county to you. I don't think I would have met him.
John: Perhaps not formally.
Dave: No, the scientist that Yahoo Serious did a film about, the one that shagged Marilyn Monroe.
John: Albert Einstein.
Dave: Was it Albert Einstein
John: I just told you that.
Dave: Yes I know, but was it Albert Einstein
John: I said it was.
Dave: Was it him that had the theory of relativity?
John: Yeah, E=mc, mc, er.
Dave: String?
John: Yeah. Oh, I thought we'd discovered something original. This is strong shit.
Dave: Have I fallen over, I think I've gone blind.
John: I've got to be sick again.
Dave: Can I have your pint?

V/O: The producers of this show would like to announce to our patrons that they are not encouraging or supporting the abuse of cannabis or other associated herbs. Drugs are not big; not clever; nobody is impressed with a dope head. On some occasions however it has been well documented that drugs do win and influence people, they can get you friends, and they do make you feel extremely, wonderfully good. Winners do not use drugs. Winners however are the sort of people who have no life to speak of except for their goal of winning. Drug users don't give a bloody monkeys mate, they are too busy trying to work out what day it is, which way is up, and whether to let the frozen pizza defrost before eating it. A dope smoker will never start a fight, is physically incapable of starting a fight. Let's end all wars by having an international get caned month.
Erm, I think I've detracted slightly from my original intent. Be wary of drugs, they're quite expensive.
Thank you.

Beer Talk 4

Dave: I'm completely done, had it, out of it, langered, mullered, plastered and lashed.
John: You don't want another one then?
Dave: I couldn't mate, I'm full to the gills.
John: Really? It's funny isn't it?
Dave: What?
John: All the expressions there are for being inebriated.
Dave: What like, Mickey Mouse?
John: How d'you mean?
Dave: [WITH MICKEY'S HIGH VOICE] Hello Goofy, are you coming to the park?
John: No, not animated, inebriated, insobriety.
Dave: Shagging two women at once?
John: Intoxicated!
Dave: That dodgy kebab.
John: Being drunk!
Dave: Oh yeah, right, yeah I know. Of course intoxicated. What different expressions are you talking about?
John: Like those last ones for example. Also the imagery associated with biological functions; pissed, fucked, shit faced and wankered.
Dave: [GETTING EXCITED] Oh yeah. What else?
John: The popular use of animals; newts, rats, fish and skunks.
Dave: [LOVING IT] Yeah I've heard those before.
John: But possibly the most popular analogies would be with anatomical features; off my face, legless, heady. [PAUSE] Arseholed, bolloxed and cunted.
Dave: [ABSOLUTELY FIT TO BURST] I'm all of those.
John: They are also frequently used in a mixture; rat arsed, drinks like a fish.
Dave: And that one that uses all three.
John: Which is?
Dave: I got so drunk.....I was shagged up the brown eye by a big bears cock.
John: Yeah, something like that.

Beer Talk 5

John: Did you Know, that the 'New Man' has arrived?
Dave: Has he really? Is he that Mark bloke that came over from engineering?
John: No. He's not a person. I am talking metaphorically.
Dave: That's clever.
John: You, don't understand. The 'New Man' or 'Modern Male' (as is he is known) is the next evolutionary step in a man's ideation and presentation.
Dave: Is it? Oh right. Yeah I see.
John: Do you?
Dave: No.
John: Right. The new man is the terminology used to describe the male that has confronted and accepted his anima to be in balance with his animus.
Dave: I hate it when that happens.
John: No. It means he is willing to openly display the feminine side of his character.
Dave: What, he gets his tits out in public that sort of thing?
John: No. For example, his emotions, he's not embarrassed to cry in public, he's...
Dave: Well, that's me then isn't it?
John: Is it?
Dave: Yeah, the other night I was watching that Frank Capra's, "It's a wonderful Life", and 20 minutes into it I was bawling my eyes out.
John: Aww, were you? It's a nice film isn't it?
Dave: Nah, it was bollocks. I watched 20 minutes, got up to turn over and stubbed my toe on the table. I never have felt so much pain.
John: You're not getting to grips with this are you? I'm talking about emotions and stuff, that men are usually inhibited to display.
Dave: Are you a new man?
John: Ah well you see. A new man does not boast or brag about himself and the irony is, he does not see himself as a new man. So in answer to your question: No, I am not.
Dave: If there is a new man, does this imply there is also a new woman who is in touch with her animals?
John: Animus. But yes. She has been here for a long time. The new woman is the female that is in contact with her masculinity, and takes a more forceful attitude in directing her life.
Dave: Oh right, I got it now. The new man has recognised and accepted the feminine qualities of his soul and the new woman has recognised and accepted the masculine qualities of her soul so producing a natural balance and harmony between the anima and animus.
John: Yeah, that's right.
Dave: So when it comes to shagging, the new man says "Not tonight dear I have a headache" and the new woman has her orgasm, rolls over, farts and goes to sleep.
John: Yeah. Something like that.

Beer Talk 6

Mandy: I love you
John: Yeah?
Mandy: Yes, I love you
John: Yeah?
Mandy: And I'm not just saying that.
John: Yeah.
Mandy: I mean it.
John: Yeah.
Mandy: You do know that I love you, don't you?
John: Yeah.
Mandy: Do you love me?
John: Yeah.
Mandy: Really?
John: Yeah.
Mandy: You don't tell me any more.
John: Yeah?
Mandy: No. I can't remember the last time you told me you loved me.
John: Yeah.
Mandy: You don't love me any more do you.
John: Yeah.
Mandy: Then why don't you tell me. Are you seeing someone else?
John: What?
Mandy: Is it that Julie Versity I've seen you hanging around with?
John: What?
Mandy: It is isn't it? You've been seeing someone else behind my back you bastard. I hate you.
[Starts crying]
John: I haven't been seeing anyone else, now calm down and I'll get you a drink.
[John OFF]
Mandy: Men. They're all bastards. The things a girl has to go through to get another pint.


My Novels
My Other Work
HOME