The Algretti Mystery

Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss. If you think it's a strange name it isn't as strange as Toby Anstis, so it doesn't bother me. It was a new day, and with every new day comes brand new problems, I hadn't solved my problems from the previous day but that was another story, and as my old partner used to say, "Don't take for granted that your audience will know what you're talking about when you sure as hell don't". A new case was coming my way, and the dame about to walk into my office had a problem.
[Mrs Algretti ON]
Mrs: Mr Deadloss? Am I disturbing you?
Harry: No come on in.
Now I'm not a sexist guy and the reason I called her a dame was because she looked like a pantomime ugly sister.
Mrs: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Harry: Not a word sister.
She looked edgy, like she thought someone had been following her.
Mrs: I'm sorry I'm so edgy Mr Deadloss but I think someone has been following me.
Harry: God damn I'm good at this job.
Mrs: Mr Deadloss, I'm Elizabeth Algretti.
Harry: Wife of Robert Algretti.
Mrs: Why yes, how did you know?
Harry: Mrs Algretti, it's my job to know.
Mrs: I think my husband is seeing another woman.
Harry: What's wrong with that?
Mrs: He's blind.
Harry: I see.
Mrs: Exactly.
Harry: Yes. You want me to follow him?
Mrs: I'm offering you a hundred bucks to do the job.
Harry: It was an interesting offer. What I was going to do with a hundred male rabbits was beyond me, but as my old partner used to say, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth, it's a paranoid animal and gets upset easily".
Mrs: Mr Deadloss, I beseech you.
Harry: Don't do that, there's people watching. Just tell me the details.
Mrs: My husband, Robert, has been leaving the house at 8 o' clock every morning and coming home at 6.30 every evening.
Harry: What makes you think there's another woman?
Mrs: As soon as he walks through the door he says, "Christ I'm shagged", or, "I'm totally fucked".
Harry: There was something wrong with her posture, she wasn't being straight with me. I had a feeling, call it woman's intuition, but that was another story.
Mrs Algretti, I think you're holding back and not giving me all the facts.
Mrs: Oh Mr Deadloss, I don't know what to do.
Harry: She was falling apart on me. Literally.
Mrs: I love him so much, but if I find him with another woman, I'll kill them both.
Harry: It was an old joke but it always gets a laugh.
[Mr Algretti ON]
Mr: Elizabeth?
Mrs: Robert!
Harry: Meet the infamous Mr Algretti, blind two-timer with a 9 to 5 mistress.
Mr: So this is the man you've been seeing behind my back.
Mrs: No Robert, you've got it all wrong, it's not how it looks.
Mr: Why, how does it look?
Harry: Mr Algretti, she could have been seeing me behind your back right in front of your face as far as you are concerned, but that's not the way it is. As my old partner used to say, "Don't jump on the first conclusion that comes along, it may be the wrong bus and you could end up at the wrong side of town".
Mr: That's an experience I can relate to. Okay then mister, who are you?
Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss.
Mr: That's a strange name.
Mrs: He's a private investigator Robert.
Mr: What do you want with a dick?
Harry: The conversation had suddenly taken a turn for the worst.
Mr: Who else is here?
Harry: Mr Algretti obviously had problems satisfying his wife,
Mr: Who's he talking to?
Harry: That's why she was constantly putting it about.
Mrs: Robert, put the gun down.
Mr: Don't protect him Elizabeth, I know your real boyfriend is here.
Harry: Too many side portions for Mr Algretti had been taking its toll.
Mr: If he doesn't show himself I'll start shooting.
Harry: I'd seen this scenario a thousand times before. It was going to end in tears.
Mrs: [Starts crying] Robert please put the gun down.
Harry: See.
Mrs: There is no other man Robert. I was going to hire Mr Deadloss to find out who you were seeing during the daytime.
Mr: Who I was seeing? Elizabeth, there is only you.
Mrs: But then why...?
Harry: Excuse me, may I?
It was common practice for the P.I. in charge of the investigation to explain to his audience the facts of the case. It went like this; Robert Algretti was a big time Mafioso boss, he was leaving his house early to do his drug rounds and protection racket. Due to the recession he had to fire a load of his hoods and was having to do his own dirty work. That's why he was so tired at the end of the day. Elizabeth Algretti knew nothing of this and assumed he had been playing around. She had followed him one day when he met up with one of his couriers, Jenny Mission. She was found murdered the next morning. Mrs Algretti had killed her during a jealous fit of rage.
Mr+Mrs: Is that true?
Mrs: No, I've never followed you anywhere.
Mr: And I'm not a mafia boss. I was only away so long everyday because I was getting on the wrong bus into town and ending up over the opposite side of the city. I had to walk back.
Harry: It was just up to me to call the commissioner, get these two arrested and off to the electric chair.
Mr: Let's go home.
Harry: Another case solved and I didn't even get my hundred rabbits. Oh well, as my old partner used to say, "Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter", and it was advice like that that saved my life on more than one occasion. Scaramouch, scaramouch, can we do the fandango. Hey! Who turned out the goddam lights?

The Precognitive Schizo

Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss. If you think it's a strange name then go talk to my parents about it. I'm a private investigator, a P.I., a dick, a snooper, pryer, a precognitive information retrieval system, call me what you want but don't call me baby.
You may think being a PI is an easy job. I'm here to tell you otherwise, being a PI is not an easy job. It's a tough, demanding job. It numbs your senses, deadens your emotions until you're more robot than human. Hell, I've become so hard I walk with a constant limp. As my old partner used to say, "if you sing in the rain you'll get damp vocal chords".
Today was going to be a strange day, but then again every day around here was strange, as my old partner used to say "insanity is relative, and I'm sure it's my mother".
The guy that was about to walk into my office had a problem. You may ask how I know this stuff, I tell you it's simply because I'm damn good.
Part: Excuse me, am I bothering you?
Harry: Not at all.
Part: I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Harry: There's no-one here but you and me, or just me. Are you going to come in?
Part: I am in.
Harry: Something was wrong with this guy. Where are you?
Part: What?
Harry: Are you deaf as well as not here.
Part: I am here, I'm afraid I'm invisible.
Harry: Sometimes I get afraid that I'm a fruit machine, but then as my old partner used to say, "You shouldn't get too stressed until someone sticks money in your mouth and tries to win on your plums." But that doesn't really apply to you. I'm Harry Deadloss, how do you do.
Part: I'm naked and that's not my hand.
Harry: Why aren't you wearing any clothes?
Part: They were made invisible as well, I'd been wearing them for so long they got a bit smelly so I sent them to the dry cleaners.
Harry: And?
Part: When I went to pick them up they said they couldn't find them.
Harry: I see. Doesn't it get a bit chilly?
Part: Only when I smear it with ice-cream. Ah.
Mr Deadloss, I need you to help me find my visibility.
Harry: Take a seat and tell me all about it.
Part: My name is Professor Steiglitz. It was last Tuesday at my laboratory, I was working late on a secret experiment for the Government...
Harry: He told me he was a government scientist working on a top secret experiment.
Part: I just said that.
Harry: Said what?
Part: Said all that.
Harry: Yes I know, I heard you.
Part: Anyway, it was about twelve o'clock at night...
Harry: He said it was about midnight.
Part: Will you stop that. I heard a noise coming from the other room.
Harry: He said he went to investigate and that was when he came face to face with a masked intruder. In an attempt to hide himself as quickly as possible, he immediately but accidentally turned invisible. The masked man was so shocked by this turn of events that he spontaneously combusted.
Part: No, it wasn't anything like that.
Harry: Okay, he walked into the next room to come face to face with aliens that fired a mystic cosmic ray at him causing his body to refract light straight through him.
Part: Look if you'll just let me finish.
Harry: Something was wrong, I was giving him all the feedlines but he just wasn't following through. He was stalling for time, confusing the issue.
Part: Who are you talking to?
Harry: No-one.
Part: I just heard you. You were talking to yourself.
Harry: Well there's nobody else here to talk to.
Part: How dare you.
Harry: This guy was a fraud, I could see right through him.
Part: You bastard.
Harry: As my old partner used to say, "if a man drops his pants and there's nothing to see then there's nothing to worry about".
Part: Is that analogy meant to mean that I'm a small penis?
Harry: Well as my old partner used to say, "A horse is a horse of course of course."
Part: What's that supposed to mean?
Harry: And no-one can talk to a horse of course.
Part: That is of course unless that horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
Harry: That was exactly what I wanted him to say. I'd had my suspicions since he walked through the door. His inability to stick to one story was an obvious attempt to distract me from the case. The facts had fallen into place, and as my old partner used to say, "Softly, softly, catchy monkey".
Part: I never said that, that was Confucius.
Harry: Aha I thought as much. My old partner come to destroy my career and immaculate reputation.
Part: Damn, how did you know?
Harry: That false moustache is about as realistic as Gillian Taylforth's story about the stomach ache.
Part: I'll destroy you Deadloss, if it's the last thing I do.
Harry: Well as you used to say, "When you've got a bullet between your ribs, the last thing you'll do is die."
Part: That's not relevant to the situation.
[Harry pulls out gun and shoots]
Harry: Well as my old partner used to say, "When up against controversy and obstinacy, blow the fuckers head off".

The Precognitive Schizo 2

Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss. Yes I know it's a strange name, but as my old partner used to say, "never judge a magazine by its cover, judge it by how much the pages stick together". I'm a tough guy with a tough job, I take it firmly in hand, work hard with my fists and don't stop until I get a result that satisfies me. I'm a PI, wanking's just a hobby.
An interesting case was coming my way. How did I know? I'm very clever in that respect. The guy about to walk through my door was going to bare more to me than just his soul.
[Man On]
Man: Are you with someone? I can come back later.
Harry: There's just me and you.
Man: I could have sworn you were talking to someone. You'll excuse me if I don't shake hands.
Harry: If I see your hands move an inch and I'll shoot you.
Man: Rather than me shooting at you. [laughs nervously].
Harry: Quite. Didn't you have a spot of bother getting here.
Man: It was a bit embarrassing on the bus.
Harry: People staring at you?
Man: I didn't have the exact fare.
Harry: I see. There was something false about this guy, for starters that wasn't his natural hair colour if you get my drift. How can I help you?
Man: You see Mr Deadloss, it's all rather embarrassing.
Harry: I shouldn't worry if I was you, I seen worse than that. And as my old partner used to say, "size is a relative thing, but my god Harry that is really big".
Man: The problem is, I am the invisible man.
Harry: I see.
Man: Exactly. Someone has stolen my invisibility.
Harry: When was the last time you saw it?
Man: I've never seen it.
Harry: When was the last time you didn't see it?
Man: Last Tuesday, I was doing some investigating for the Secret Services...
Harry: He told me he was working as a spy for the government. Last Tuesday he was digging up some files on a professor who was selling secrets to the Russians. Somehow he was apprehended and his captor blasted him with a ray that took his invisibility and put it on the other guy. In the short space of time that this took place he didn't get a chance to see his face, not that it makes much difference at this point.
Man: That's exactly right. How did you know?
Harry: A good guess. It was a tricky case but I had nothing else to do, I was at a loose end.
Man: Will you help me then?
Harry: Something wasn't quite right. He was hiding something, which, in his present condition, wasn't easy. This guy was a pro, an expert, an ace.
Man: Thanks very much, you’re not so bad yourself.
Harry: I needed to see the cards he was playing, I needed to see what he was holding in his hand.
Man: I don't like the way this conversation is leading Mr Deadloss.
Harry: He was edgy, he didn't trust me. Something was up.
Man: I apologise for being so edgy Mr Deadloss but I don't think I can trust you.
Harry: Damn I'm good at this job. Listen buster, if you're holding something back then now is the time to let it go.
Man: That's it, I'm leaving now.
Harry: I know it's hard, but sometimes you've got to put yourself completely in someone else's hands.
Man: I'm going to report you.
Harry: The pressures building up so much that you feel like you're going to explode.
Man: Good bye.
[Man Off]
Harry: You wouldn't believe the relief you'd get by letting somebody else carry your load.
It didn't take him long to see sense. He came back almost as soon as he walked out of the room.
[Man On]
Man: Mr Deadloss, where is your toilet please?
Harry: Down the hall and to the left. Look I'll come with you, help you out with whatever trouble you've got on your hands.
Man: It's nothing that a bit of tissue paper won't solve.
[Both Off]