The Last Supper
Vicar: Today's sermon is brought to you from the Book of James and the lessons of last supper of Jesus Christ, our Lord. To assist me with my sermon I have the help of the fellowship performers.
The text comes from the New Age Bible.
Jesus and the disciples entered the bistro and were met by a rather worried looking waiter,
Waiter: Can I help unto you?
Vicar: He asked the Lord our God. And Jesus did'st reply unto him,
Jesus: Table for thirteen please.
Vicar: The waiter looked bemused,
Waiter: Do you have a reservation?
Vicar: He asked.
Jesus: Of course,
Vicar: Replied our Lord
Jesus: It is seen as a sin under the eyes of our Father to arrive at a restaurant without prebooking first.
Vicar: And the disciples did'st agree by muttering under their breath.
Waiter: What was the name?
Vicar: The waiter asked.
Jesus: Christ, Jesus H.
Vicar: And the waiter smiled upon seeing the true good manners of the Lord, what with him making a reservation and turning up on time with the correct numbers.
They sat at their table and ordered their starters of bread and wine, a fruity Beaujolais from the Cotes du Rhone regions, for what Jesus lacked in dress sense, He made up for in knowing his booze.
Jesus fell silent, and mark asked unto him,
Mark: What ails thee lord?
Vicar: And Jesus did answer him,
Jesus: One of you around this table will betray me.
Vicar: The disciples shifted uneasily in their seats and stared at their plates in silence.
Jesus: I said one of you miserable little toadies is going to stab me in the back.
Vicar: And the disciples muttered intelligibly under their breath and stuffed bread in their gobs.
Jesus: One of you low down, sneaky, little tell-tales is going to shop me in to the coppers. For a few measly quid.
Vicar: And the disciples did not look at each other in the eye, but did instead admire the decor of the bistro, and see what the other patrons were eating.
Jesus: You ungrateful bastards. And after all the things I've done for you.
Vicar: And the disciples did'st ponder on his words. Then Matthew spoke forward, on behalf of them all.
Mat: You're having a laugh aren't you?
Vicar: He did'st ask the Lord.
Mat: What have you ever done for us?
Vicar: And the disciples did'st echo Matthew's thoughts by asking the Lord to produce a list of times, dates and places.
Jesus: Upon mount Sirrah, were you not hungry and did I not produce food for thee.
Luke: Fish sandwiches?
Vicar: Asked Luke.
Luke: Don't do us any favours or nothing will you?
John: And anyway, you was the one that dragged us up there in the first place.
Vicar: Said John,
John: 'They've got a really nice view up there' you said, not `it's going to be a five hour hike and don't forget your thermos.'
Jesus: Have I not performed countless miracles for you to prove I am the true son of God.
Vicar: Shouted Jesus, who was getting quite ticked off with the whole affair.
Luke: Nothing Paul Daniels couldn't have done.
Vicar: Retorted Luke, who was getting quite lary from too much wine.
Luke: And you never had a Debbie Magee to keep you company.
Jesus: What do you think Mary Magdalene was for? Stimulating conversation? I just persuaded her that the path to heaven was in a gold lame tutu when this little hoo-ha turned up. Trust the Lord and he will deliver.
Vicar: Thomas decided to give his two penneth worth,
Thomas: All you've done is taken us from our work,
Mike: Yeah,
Vicar: Interrupted Michael,
Mike: I was a perfectly respectable fisherman until you walked on the water and scared all the bloody fishes away. No trawler would have me after that.
Vicar: Thomas continued unabated.
Thomas: You've stopped us drinking, shagging and smoking, and all those other things that constitute to enjoying one's self.
Luke: I can't remember the last decent joint I had.
Vicar: Said Luke and knocked his wine glass over. The Lord was going to give it one more go and sod the lot of them if they didn't budge.
Jesus: Have I not led you down the path of true enlightenment? Given you the key of eternal life under the protective eye of the Lord our God.
All: Oh bollocks.
Vicar: Announced the disciples and Jesus stood up.
Jesus: It's times like this when you really find out who your true mates are, it's only Judas here who hasn't been slagging me off. Here I am, just about to be pierced to the biggest crucifix in all Christendom, and none of you lot give a monkeys. Sod you all.
Vicar: And Jesus marched to the door, turning only to look back at the disciples and set them a steely gaze.
Jesus: I'll be back.
Vicar: He said and left.
The disciples bowed their heads in sorrow, none wishing to look into the eyes of the other. A single question poked a finger at the conscience of each man. Finally Mark asked it,
Mark: Who's going to pay for this lot then?
Judas: I'll get the bill.
Vicar: Announced Judas,
Judas: I've just come into a few quid.
Vicar: And the disciples did enjoy themselves that night, the evening ending perfectly when they left the establishment leaving the door wide open.
Waiter: Oi, close the door!
Vicar: Shouted one of the waiters,
Waiter: Was you born in a stable or something?
Vicar: And the disciples did'st laugh. And Jesus got nailed to a large piece of wood.
And the lesson to be learned is, don't have a slanging match with your gracious host the Lord God, for he has many friends to turn to, and although you may enjoy yourself, you will pay the bill. Here ends today's lesson.
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