Reservoir Nobs
Brown: P.J. and Duncan AKA's ‘Get Ready to Rhumble’.
Blonde: It's about fighting right?
Brown: Wrong.
Orange: How does that go again?
Pink: They're the same guys that did ‘Don't forget my Number’.
Orange: I don't want to know their whole fucking repertoire, just how the song goes.
Brown: I've lost my thread, what was I saying?
Pink: [sings] If I tell you my number, will you call?
Orange: Was that Get Ready to Rhumble?
Brown: Where was I?
Blonde: Get Ready to Rhumble is not about fighting.
Brown: Oh yeah. These two guys right, they've been out partying, pulling chicks you know? Chick chick chick chick chick.
Blue: How many chicks is that?
White: A fucking lot.
Brown: They've left the club and got home. They're hungry, and I mean fucking starving okay? So they get something to eat. Rhubarb Crumble.
Blue: What the fuck is he talking about?
Brown: Take the R. H. U. from rhubarb and the M. B. L. E. from crumble and put them together.
Blonde: You don't spell rumble, R. H. U. M. B. L. E.
Brown: PJ and Duncan AKA do. Rhubarb Crumble.
Blue: Bullshit.
Brown: Pardon me? Could you say that again, I didn't hear you.
Blue: I said bullshit.
Brown: Did you say bullshit to me?
Blue: Yeah I said bullshit to you punk.
Brown: Are you calling me a punk?
Blue: Yeah I'm calling you a punk you shit.
Brown: Well fuck you.
Blue: No, fuck you.
Brown: FUCK YOU!
Blue: FUCK YOU!
Joe: Eh! Eh! Eh! What's the matter with you guys. Show some fucking respect huh?
Br/Bl: Sorry.
Joe: Okay, so you guys like to tell stories, joke about a bit. Well, I'll tell you a story. 5 guys sitting in their cells joking about. Then one of them says, "Hey! What went wrong? Why are we here?" And they decided that during the planning they were joking about so much, they didn't realise they were breaking into the police station. Eddy.
Eddy: This is an in and out operation. The six of you will have code names. Don't tell anyone your real name. Don't mention your surname, where you're from, your wife's name, past jobs, birth marks, tattoos, cock size,
Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get the message. From now on, you're Mr Brown, Mr Benn, Mr Messy, Mr Meaner, Miss Diane, Mister Mister, Shakespeare's Sister, and an hour long session of naked baby oil twister.
Brown: Mr Brown? That's too close to Mr Shit.
Pink: Can't I be Mr Bump?
Joe: Mr Bump's doing another job some place else, you're Mr Messy and that's that.
White: I'm Mr Messy.
Pink: Yeah, I'm Miss Diane.
Orange: I thought that was me.
Blonde: You're Mr Meaner.
Blue: That's me.
Blonde: Who was I again?
Eddy: Mister Mister.
White: So who was naked baby oil twister?
Joe: Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You're Mr Shit,
Brown: Brown.
Joe: Mr Brown. You're Mr Benn, Mr Messy, Mr Meaner, Miss Diane, and Mister Mister. Okay?
All: Sure. Fine. Great. Etc.
Blue: So who am I?
Joe: Shut up. You lot, clear this shit up and let's go to work.
[All OFF except Pink, White and Orange]
Orange: Nice weather we've been having.
Pink: This is so fucked up. Where is everyone?
White: Just over there waiting for their cues.
Pink: Oh. Shit! I just want to see some action.
White: You want to see some action?
Pink: Yeah I want to see some action.
White: How about a game of paper, scissors, stones?
Pink: Cool.
Both: 1, 2, 3
[Scissors. Blonde ON]
Blonde: You children should learn to play more quietly.
Pink: Where's Brown and Benn?
Blonde: Dead.
Pink: Dead? How?
Blonde: How do you think?
Pink: What? And they were forced to eat their own entrails?
Blonde: Not how you think.
White: Where the fuck have you been? What's been going on?
Blonde: Are you going to keep barking little doggy? Or are you going to piss up a tree?
White: I'm sorry what? I didn't hear you, what did you say?
Blonde: Nothing. I've brought you a present.
[Blonde OFF. ON with Harry]
Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss.
White: That's a strange fucking name.
Harry: So. What's yours.
White: Mr Messy.
Harry: Well excuse me!
White: It's not my real name.
Harry: Yeah right. And who are you, Mr Bump?
Pink: No they wouldn't let me.
Harry: I need to talk to Joe.
White: Yeah? Well maybe he don't want to talk to you.
Harry: I want to talk to him about a missing person.
White: Who?
Harry: Not telling.
[Eddy ON]
Eddy: What the hell is the cop doing here? My Daddy is going to be really pissed with you guys when he gets here. You two come with me and get rid of those cars outside.
Pink: What cars?
Eddy: All those cars that are parked outside. I don't think anyone wants them any more.
[Eddy, Pink, White OFF]
Blonde: Have a seat Mr Deadloss, I'm sure Joe will be back here shortly. Music?
[Stuck in the Middle]
Harry: Something strange was going on. It seemed as if I'd just stepped into the middle of a film scene. As my old partner used to say, "Don't worry about a guy dancing at you, it's when he offers you a shave that cross your legs".
Blonde: Hey! You want a shave?
Harry: I had a feeling I was in trouble.
[Orange shoots Blonde]
Harry: I thought you were dead.
Orange: Just taking a nap. I'm a cop. Undercover. Don't pussy out on me now. Just sit it out.
Harry: Have I missed something.
[Pink, White & Eddy ON]
Eddy: What the fuck has been going on here.
Harry: Naked baby oil twister?
Eddy: Don't fuck with me cop.
Orange: Miss Diane went mental. Was going to slice the cop's ear off, kill me then kill you guys when you got back. Ask the cop.
Eddy: Is this true?
Harry: No. He told me he was an undercover cop.
Orange: You fuck!
Harry: Don't ever call me a pussy.
[Eddy pulls gun on Orange, White pulls gun on Eddy, Pink pulls gun on White]
White: Put the gun away Eddy. He's a good kid.
Eddy: He's a fucking rat. Put your fucking gun down.
White: If you don't put your gun away, so help me, I'll fucking drop you right here.
Eddy: Put your gun down!
Pink: Both of you put your guns down.
White: What the fuck's your problem?
Pink: I felt left out.
[BANG, BANG, BANG. The three of them drop. Joe ON]
Joe: Mr Deadloss, it's good to see you again. What can I do for you?
Harry: Your men have killed themselves.
Joe: What? Oh that. Yeah I know. I get through so many hoods that way.
Harry: I need you to accompany me back to the station.
Joe: Can't you get a proper date?
Harry: It's a matter of national security.
Joe: As long as I don't have to meet your parents as well.
Harry: Come on.
[Both OFF. Mr Bump ON]
Bump: Eddy! The job went wrong. Help me Eddy, do something!
[Mr Bump dies]
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