Star Trek
Kirk V/O: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission to explore strange and new civilisations, to seek out new worlds and to bodly go where no bod has gone before.
[Bod music then Star Trek theme]
Kirk: Captains log stardate soixanteneuf. Whilst patrolling a previously uncharted region of the Graxis Nebula we have picked up strange energy emanations from a small moon that appears to be composed entirely of gold but inhabited by violent, powerful, hairy rubber suited beasts. Oh what a strange irony.
Spock, do you have anything for me?
Spock: What, here Captain?
Kirk: I don't mean that. I mean the strange energy emanations.
Spock: Oh, sorry. Yes captain, they are very strange.
Kirk: Is that it?
Spock: And highly illogical?
Kirk: Since we've been together Spock, how long?
Spock: Four and a half years Captain.
Kirk: After all that time it's only just occurred to me that you are really crap.
Spock: But Captain, you are only a human and we Vulcans are far more superior in strength and intelligence, so anything you happen to say or do to me would be inconsequential.
Kirk: Piss off big ears.
[Everyone laughs]
Spock: You bastards.
Kirk: Chekhov, give me a visual display of the planet.
[Chekhov gets up and does a mime]
Kirk: Thanks. Scotty.
Scotty: I'm pushing her to the max Captain, if I do her anymore she'll blow.
Kirk: Scotty, how many times have I told you not to have sex on duty.
[Bones On]
Bones: Jim, I've found a virulent disease spreading through the officers’ mess.
Kirk: Shit.
Bones: Exactly.
Kirk: What is it?
Bones: It's that brown smelly stuff that...
Kirk: No, I mean the disease.
Bones: Well it looks like a heat rash, but I swear I've seen something moving down there.
Chek: Ciptin, we are win wisual wange of the plinit.
Kirk: Sorry what?
Sulu: He said we can see the planet now.
Kirk: Put it on the screen.
Uhura: Captain, I'm picking up strange sonic readings that would usually mean another ship in the vicinity.
Kirk: Put them over the speakers Uhura.
Uhura: Yes Captain.
V/O: There's another ship in the vicinity. Another ship is close by. A ship, other than yours, is really quite very close.
Kirk: Shit, kill it!
Chek: There is no other wessel on wisual scanners Ciptin.
Kirk: Kill that as well!
Sulu: Captain he said there are no craft in visual range.
Bones: Calm down Jim. The stress of the job is getting too much for you.
Kirk: But she said...the sonic signals said...then I have no idea what he said.
Spock: Captain.
Kirk: Oh what do you want lug holes.
Spock: I couldn't help over hearing
Kirk: Not with those ears anyway.
Spock: But the signals Uhura has detected could be from a shielded Klingon ship.
Uhura: Smartarse.
Kirk: Aaaargh! Kill them all, shoot, fire, torpedo. Shields up, arm the lasers, swab the decks and mount the yard arm.
Chek: De Kwingongs are decwoaking.
Kirk: Thank god.
Sulu: No sir, he said the Klingons are decloaking.
Uhura: They are hailing us Captain.
Kirk: Quick, hail them back times ten, brace yourselves, we're all going to die!
Uhura: I'll patch them through.
[Video screen]
Kling: Ack pack anorak. Ball sack, lunch pack, pac man.
Kirk: Can anyone understand what he's saying?
Chek: I can.
Sulu: He's speaking in Klingon, I'll turn on the translators.
Kling: Akkkk, akkkkk. [clears throat and spits] Excuse me. So you are the notorious Captain Kirk of Starfleet.
Kirk: No! It's him, the one with the ears.
Kling: Ah yes. This will be a great battle between two of the most powerful warriors, a battle of honour to the death.
Between the two greatest Captains of the two greatest Galactic powers.
Kirk: We're on a diplomatic mission, we received no transmissions.
Kling: Klingons attack.
[Klingons run on from sides and cling on]
Uhura: Captain, I'm picking up more signals. From another incoming craft.
Kirk: Kill it!
Spock: It's a starship from the Hangonian cluster.
Kirk: You smug bastard know it all, if we get out of this I'm going to pierce those flapping lobes with a road drill.
Quick hail them before they get us.
Uhura: To late Captain, they've hailed us. Patching them through.
[Video screen]
Hang: So I've finally found you.
Kirk: It wasn't me, I've got witnesses.
Hang: The respected Captain James T. Kirk.
Kirk: How come everyone knows my name?
Hang: A duel to the death it is then.
Kirk: Dick them, duff them up, arm the great big fuck off torpedoes and blow them out of existence.
Hang: Hangonians attack.
[Hangons On and hang on]
Kirk: Kill them so hard their entire family dies.
Sulu: Captain, another craft.
Kirk: Hail them.
Uhura: Did it.
Kirk: Stitch that you bastards.
[Video screen]
Titn: Hallo Captain.
Spock: It's Captain Titnarse with her class A Warbird of female amazonian warriors. Another strange irony.
Titn: It's good to see you again James.
Kirk: Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me.
Titn: Why is your view screen at the back of your Bridge where your lift should be?
Kirk: Er..Sulu?
Sulu: Because the audience wouldn't be able to see us otherwise.
Titn: I see. Anyway, I bring you greetings, Kirk from my home planet of Fellatio which is completely populated by large breasted nymphomaniacs.
Kirk: What can I do for you?
Titn: We wish to discuss our unification with Starfleet.
Kirk: I'll be right over.
Chek: Can I come?
Bones: I think I had better go as well.
Sulu: And me.
Kirk: Uhura, take charge of the ship, we maybe some time.
Uhura: Why can't I go as well?
Kling: Can I come please?
Kirk: This boldly going where no man has gone before isn't all bad.
Spock: Do you honestly think no man has been there before?
Kirk: Shut up pixie features.
[Everyone off]
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