Restar Deks
Kirk: Captains log stardate 90210. The Enterprise has been orbiting this planet for the past three hours, only now have we been ordered to send a landing party to the planet's surface to investigate its inhabitants. I must be cautious and maintain Star Fleet's prime directive of non interference with the locals or their culture.
The landing party is comprised of myself, Spock, Dr McCoy, Sulu, Checkhov, and a red sweatered guy who'll get killed off later. Only five of us made the beam down successfully, Spock was transported to the other side of the planet because he was really beginning to piss me off.
[Bones ON]
Bones: Jim! I've done a spectral analysis of the planets atmosphere.
Kirk: And?
Bones: It's breathable.
Kirk: No shit. What else?
Bones: This little light came on.
Kirk: You don't mean....?
Bone: I don't know. Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not a little light understander.
[Check & Sulu ON]
Check: Ciptin! Ve wocal inhibitints ov dis plinit are wery human in initimy.
Kirk: Well done. Good.
Sulu: This planet is very much like Earth, Captain.
Kirk: Can anyone give me a diagnostic report on the lifeforms indigenous to this ecosystem?
All: Er...
Kirk: I want to know what the locals look like.
All: Oh.
Sulu: I can help Captain. I've brought you a present.
[Sulu OFF]
Kirk: There's something very strange about all this. This warehouse seems very familiar.
[Sulu & Harry ON]
Kirk: Sulu you idiot, you've corrupted the prime directive.
Sulu: I never touched him.
Kirk: I'll have to reprimand you. Well return to the ship. Bones, look after our guest.
Bones: Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor not a party host.
[Kirk & Sulu OFF]
Bones: Hi.
Harry: The name's Deadloss, Harry Deadloss.
My name's Bones.
Harry: I feel so much better.
Bones: About what?
Harry: My strange name.
Bones: Bones is a nickname.
Harry: It's a stupid name.
[Pause]
Bones: So Mr Deadloss,
Harry: Harry.
Bones: Harry. What's your occupation?
Harry: I'm a cop, flatfoot, pig, filth, fascist.
Bones: Really?
Harry: Yep. And you?
Bones: Dammit Harry, I'm a doctor not a.... A doctor, just a doctor. You want a seat?
Harry: Thanks.
Bones: Music?
[Stuck in the Middle]
Check: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.
Harry: What's your problem?
Check: Bad dweam, sorry.
[Kirk ON]
Kirk: Star Fleet have ordered us back. We've got to take him with us.
Harry: Suddenly the case had taken a turn for the worst. I was being abducted by space men.... again. This was getting ridiculous, once is a freak occurrence, twice would make you feel you were just plain unlucky, but as my old partner used to say, "If something bad happens to you fifteen times in one week, don't get paranoid, get worried". Therefore I wasn't worried, but then again this was my fourteenth time this week and it was only Wednesday.
Bones: Jim. I think he's gone into shock.
Kirk: What are you? A doctor or something?
Bones: Dammit Jim, how many times? I'm a doctor not a something.
Kirk: Oh yeah. Right, let's kill that red guy and get back to the ship. Scotty!
Scotty: If you want me to boil water, I can, but you cannae break the boundaries of time and space...
Kirk: Yeah, whatever. I'm sure we're forgetting something.
[All OFF. Spock ON]
Spock: Yes Captain, very amusing. Once again your Earth humour has left me in stitches. Captain? Oh yes, very funny. As a Vulcan I rise above your pathetic attempts of comedy and regard it as nothing more than another indication of the inferiority of your race. Captain? This is becoming silly now. Captain, I mean it, this isn't funny. Stoppit your scaring me.
[Little Green Bag. Dogs ON]
Brown: I've lost my thread, what was I saying?
Blonde: That Whigfield's "Saturday Night" is not about a girl chatting up a bloke at a nightclub, but a serious comment on the obvious undercurrent themes of male dominance being subjugated into a passive form of submissiveness and an ignored issue of masculine coercion and uprising matriarchy.
Brown: Oh yeah.
[PAUSE]
White: And?
Brown: Nothing, that's it.
Joe: So you guys like to joke about, tell stories huh? Well I'll tell you a story. This chick right? Gets lost in the woods and she comes across this shack inhabited by these three fucking bears..
Eddy: What my daddy is trying to say is, concentrate on the fucking job in hand.
Joe: Yeah, that's right. From now on, you're Mr Brown, Mr Blonde, Mr White, Mr Blue, Mr Pink, Mr Orange, and how come I've got seven of you?
Eddy: I don't recognise this guy. Who the fuck are you?
Spock: Mr Spock.
Blonde: Hey! I thought he was just using colours?
Pink: How come he gets to be Mr Spock and I'm Mr Pink?
Brown: I want to be Mr Tambourine Man.
Orange: Play a song for me.
White: Mr White's a bit of a dubious, unpolitically correct nomenclature isn't it?
Pink: You might as well call me Mr Girls-Blouse and have done with it.
Brown: Did you know that "Hey Mr Tambourine Man" is actually a symbolistic declaration of a man's acceptance of the femininity in his soul.
White: I'd feel more comfortable with Mr Translucent, or some other non-descript, non-discriminative title.
Orange: I quite like my name, I'm more than happy.
Blonde: They should call you Mr Brown Nose.
Blue: Sorry, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but isn't this a Blues Brothers convention.
Joe: No.
Blue: I just saw all the suits and naturally assumed.
Joe: Eddy, come with me and get rid of this bum.
Blue: That's quite alright, I can find my own way out. No really thanks anyway. "Rolling rolling rolling" ha ha.
[Blue, Joe & Eddy OFF]
Blonde: [To Spock] Hey man, you've got really cool ears.
Spock: Thank you.
Blonde: I wish I had one of those, you want a shave?
Spock: I have no extraneous hair apart from that on my head, and therefore do not need to shave.
Blonde: Weird. Why's that?
Spock: Because I am a Vulcan.
Blonde: What the fuck's a Vulcan?
Orange: The Roman god of war isn't he?
Pink: Now that's cool, using the name's of gods.
[Eddy & Joe ON]
Joe: Okay, let's go to work.
Eddy: Rolling rolling rolling.
Joe: Just to make sure we're ready, tell me your names.
Spock: Mr Spock.
Orange: Mr Orange.
Brown: Mr Tambourine Man.
White: Mr Diaphanous.
Pink: Mr Zeus.
Blonde: Mr Apollo.
White: Wasn't he in Battlestar Galactica?
Orange: Ooh ooh. I want to be Mr Starbuck.
Joe: What the fuck's been going on here?
Eddy: Rolling rolling rolling.
Joe: Eddy!
Eddy: I can't get that fucking song out of my head.
Brown: Did you know that "Rawhide" was actually a metaphorical statement...
Joe: Shut up. Shut the fuck up!
Orange: Can I change again and be Mr Rowdy Yates?
Joe: Shut up! [Shoots Orange].
[PAUSE]
Eddy: Rolling rolling [BANG]
White: Now Joe.. [BANG]
Joe: I dare you. I fucking dare any of you to say another fucking word.
[SILENCE]
Joe: All I want is a little respect.
Brown: Now there's a song, [BANG]
Joe: You stupid fuck, I told you to shut up.
[SILENCE]
Joe: Now then, let's start again. What's your name?
[SILENCE]
Joe: Fucking answer me.
Blonde: But you told us to keep quiet. [BANG]
Joe: I wasn't talking to you. You. Name.
Pink: Mr Pink.
Joe: Gotta problem with that?
Pink: I am far too assured of my masculinity and confident in my sexuality to be threatened or intimidated by stereotyped labelling.
Joe: Good.
Pink: But since he's dead can't I be Mr White now? [BANG]
Joe: Shit! I killed them all.
Spock: And not one of them was wearing a red sweat shirt. Very illogical.
Joe: What do you mean?
Spock: [Shouts Offstage] Come here.
[Red ON. BANG]
Spock: If you only kill people wearing red tops, all of your main characters get to survive each mission.
Joe: Come with me, we got business to discuss.
[Both OFF]
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