Voice Overs

V/O 1: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, before we start this evening's performance of high jinx and hilarity, we would like to take the opportunity to welcome you to the Ents. Hall, Alexandra House. This preneo Georgian theatre was constructed. As you can see by the elaborate design of the building, it was meant to be home to some of the greatest theatrical names in history, Shakespeare, Irving, Olivier, Briers and Manning. During its existence the Ents Hall was acquired by the forces to assist in the war time spectacular as a NAAFI. It was at this time that the building was condemned as being what the local council considered as a death trap, and I quote "Anyone foolish enough to stay in the place for more than 20 seconds either hasn't been informed of the weakened joists, the dry rotted beams and asbestos walls, or is seriously considering suicide". Since then it has once again been turned over to the world of high brow theatre from which it has been most sorely missed. Once again can you enjoy the works of British contemporary script writers. Unfortunately none were available tonight, so here's The Big Dick and Cox Revue and your hosts, Paul Dickins and Rhys Wilcox.

V/O 2: With the recent and tragic demise of Nirvana's lead singer Kurt Cobain, KTel proudly and humbly presents this commemorative compilation album from the top angry teen age pop sensation. Yes that's right, on this new album you can hear previously unreleased and never before recorded tracks from the god of adolescent angst. Such as cover versions of Suicide is Painless, I Just Died in Your Arms, and that top selling track Wipeout. Remixes of their classics such as Lithium, Smells Like Embalming Spirit, and The Sun Has Got Its Hat On But We're All Going to Die Anyway So Who Cares? This memorial album is presented in a deluxe gatefold cover in gun metal grey with the album's title in brain pink. Yes KTel presents Nirvana's new album Oh Well, Nevermind at a special price of £27.83 (plus V.A.T. and postage and packing). This record is not available in any of the leading music stores but can be found in the Our Price bargain bucket next week.

Renault Clito

Nicole: Papa?
Papa: Nicole.
[NOISE OF SQUEAKY BEDSPRINGS]
Nicole: Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa.
Papa: NICOOOOOOLE!!!!

Allied Carpets
by Adrian Maclean

John: Hello Michael, where have you been?
Mike: Me? I've just been down to the Allied carpet sale.
John: What? Is that the Allied carpet sale that's just started?
Mike: That's right. This new Allied carpet sale has only just begun today.
John: Really, that recently? So what did you do at the new, recently started Allied carpet sale?
Mike: Well I started by asking a particularly pretty (pretty in a non offensive and politically correct type way), sales assistant who was working at the store to explain the promotions featured in the new Allied carpet sale.
John: And what did the Allied carpet salesperson have to say?
Mike: Well it's funny you should ask me that because I just so happen to be able to remember her exact description of the many special offers being featured in the Allied carpets sale.
John: Quick, do tell me before you forget.
Mike: She told me that the special offers that Allied carpets are doing this month are giving excellent value for money.
John: On what?
Mike: Well, as it happens, carpets purchased from Allied carpets over the next four weeks.
John: And what exactly do these Allied carpet offers give you?
Mike: Cheap Allied carpets.
John: Really? Cheap Allied carpets eh?
Mike: Yes. And not only that.
John: You mean they are offering more than just cheap Allied carpets at the Allied carpets sale?
Mike: Certainly. The sales assistant told me that due to the special reductions now on at the Allied carpets sale I could get a deep shag at a very good price.
John: Really? But apart from from a deep shag from the sales assistant, what were you really after at the Allied carpets sale?
Mike: I'm glad you asked me that. I was really after a soft twist, but that wasn't her style, so I had to settle for...
John: Deep pile?
Mike: No I've always walked like this. It was a luxury underlay with a free gripper and a stain..
John: Resistant finish?
Mike: No just a stain.
John: After the free gripper I'm not surprised. Did the assistant have a red axminster?
Mike: Oh yes, it followed the deep shag.
John: Down the aisle?
Mike: No, round the rear.
John: Of course.
Mike: So as you can see the Allied carpet sale is the place to go for all your sexual needs.
John: What you mean that the Allied carpet sale is no good for carpets at all?
Mike: You're right. I lied.


My Novels
My Other Work
HOME