Last Updated 24-July-99
Dead Baby Jokes
Disclaimer:
These are jokes about dead babies and uses for them. If you're offended by these jokes, stop reading. In fact you shouldn't have clicked the link on the previous page. You are here by your own choice, and i don't take any responsibility for your actions. These jokes are SICK! - You have been warned.
Q: What's pink and goes red with a "snap"?
A: A baby in a mousetrap.
Q: What's pink and goes black with a "hiss"?
A: A baby being thrown into a furnace.
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Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
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Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.
Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: A baby playing with razor blades.
Q: What is red, white and yellow and sits in the corner?
A: Same baby, infected.
Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.
Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.
Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A1: Baby in a cellophane bag.
A2: Baby playing with saranwrap.
Q: What is green and sits in the corner?
A: Same dead baby two weeks later!
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Q: What is Baskin Robbin's flavor of the month this month?
A: Blue Baby Cheesecake.
(There is a flavor of the month called Blueberry Cheesecake)
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A1: Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop
of dead baby.
A2: One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop)
A3: Add 8 ounces of Coke-Cola with 2 scoops of dead baby.
A4: Take your foot off its head.
Q: And where did you get these babies?
A: Abortion clinic.
Q: (At Abortion clinic) "Boy, what are these people doing?
I can't get in because they block my way. I want my float!"
A: They are pro-life people. They don't like sweet stuffs.
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Q1: What's red and white and bubbles all over?
Q2: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?
Q3. What is brown and taps on a window?
Q4: What's pink and red and bangs on the window ?
Q5: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass?
Q6: What's pink and turns brown at the touch of a button?
A: A baby in the microwave.
Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave!
(works best if told while in a swivel chair)
Q: What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
A: About ten minutes in the microwave.
Q: What's blue and knocks on glass?
A: A baby in a fishtank
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Q: What is charred black and screams?
A: A baby getting his toy out of the fireplace!
Q: What's wet, glows, and can't scream?
A: A baby with his finger in an electrical socket!
Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.
A3: A baby playing with a blow torch.
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Q1: What is red and swings back and forth?
Q2: What's pink and red and sways back and forth, back and forth...?
Q3: What's red and hangs four feet off the floor?
A: Dead baby on a meathook.
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Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
(damn elephants get into everything!)
Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
A: Dead babies.
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Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
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Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a pinata!
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Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
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Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
Q1: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
Q2: What's more fun than nailing a baby to the wall?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q: What cries a lot and goes around in circles?
A: A baby with one foot nailed to the floor.
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Q1: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red...?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!
Q1: How do you fit ten babies into one carriage?
Q2: How do you get ten babies into a tupperware bowl?
Q1: How do you get 1000 babies into a phone booth?
A: Use a blender
Q: How do you get them out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos
Q: What's green and spins around at 100 mph?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What's green and red and spins around at 100 mph?
A: A baby that's crawled in after it.
Q: What's black and spins around slowly?
A: A dead baby on a rotisserie.
Q: What's red, squeals, and goes around at 100 mph?
A: A baby caught in an electric fan.
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Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.
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Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.
Q: What have you got when four dead babies are piled on top of each other?
A: A stool.
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Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of dead babies or a truck full
of bowling balls?
A: Dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.
Q: What's more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
A: Catching it with a pitchfork.
Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.
Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.
Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.
Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes.
Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!
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Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.
Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100 mph?
A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)
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Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.
Q: What has four wheels, smokes, and squeals?
A: A busload of babies on fire.
Q: What bounces up and down at 55 mph?
A: A baby tied to the back of a truck.
Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.
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Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
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Q: What have you got when you strap a dead baby to each foot?
A: Slippers.
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Q1: What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
Q2: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
Q3: What's one foot high and six feet wide?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through its head.
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Q: What does a dingo call a baby in a pram?
A: Meals on wheels.
Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.
Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.
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Q: What is pink, and with the flick of a switch, goes black?
A: A baby playing with a light socket.
Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles?
A: A baby trying to breast-feed from an electrical outlet.
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Q: What's black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A: A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.
( PS. Funnel-Web Spiders are black and furry )
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Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
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Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
Q: Whats red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
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Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
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Q: What is red and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion!
Q: What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
A: Blood brothers.
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Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.
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Q: What's red, white, stringy, and hangs from trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snowblower.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
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Q: Why don't dead babies drive BMWs?
A: Because BMW jokes are almost as old as dead baby jokes! Sheish!! Get a
life, why don't you?!
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Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb
with.
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Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.
Q: What do you get when you hit a baby in the head with a frying pan?
A: An erection!
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Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.
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Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.
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Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little
baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving
at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
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Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.
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Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup.
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Q : Whats the worst thing a blind, deaf baby can get for Christmas?
A : Cancer.
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Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot?
A : A pedophile's arse
Q: What's the best part of sex with a baby?
A: Put it in soft, then let it get hard and listen to the bones crack.
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Q: What do you call a baby on a stick?
A: A Kebabie.
Q: What do you call a baby on a stick with no kidneys?
A: Doner Kebabie.
Q: What did the mother say to the baby on a stick that was crying?
A: "Shush, Kebabie!"
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Q: What's black and bobs up and down?
A: A baby in a toaster.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the
oven.
Q. What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A. A baby in an oven bag.
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Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
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Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
A: Dead babies make the best chum.
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Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.
Q. What was the baby doing on the table?
A. Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.
Q: Why do people keep dead babies in the rec room?
A: They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
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Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the
morning?
A: Crib death.
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Q: What's more fun than a dead baby in art class?
A: Pinning it up on the bulletin board.
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Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
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Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of
placenta?
A: You can't gargle gravel.
Q: What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
A: You can't eat sand.
Q: What do you have if you have 20 babies up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Q: What's more fun than a barrel full of dead babies?
A1: Sticking pins in their eyes.
A2: A barrel full of dead babies with a live one on the bottom trying to
get up.
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Q: What do you do when your baby dies on Thanksgiving day?
A: Stuff the turkey with it.
Q: Why did the family take their dead baby along on the cookout?
A: So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
Q: Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
A: The family used it to crack nuts.
Q: What's brown and gurgles?
A: A baby in a casserole.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up the baby.
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Q. Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?
A. So the nurses can carry them around five at a time!
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Q. What's the definition for "pain"?
A. Sliding a baby down a 50' razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol!
Q: What's the definition for "fun"?
A: Playing fetch with a pitbull using a baby.
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Q. What's the definition for "gross"?
A. A truckful of dead babies and one live one on the bottom eating his
way out!
Q: What's grosser than Siamese twins connected at the mouth?
A: One baby throws up.
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Did you know that it takes five babies to
make just one bottle of baby oil?
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A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....
SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....
Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!
or
A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn.
MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall....
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says... He wasn't DEAD !!!!!!!!!!
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Jerry Rice is walking down the streets of San Francisco when all of a sudden he hears sirens coming from the next street down. He hurries down the road to see what's happening and sees a huge fire engulfing a 10 story building. And on the top floor, a lady is leaning out the window shouting to the firemen below.
FIREMAN: Come on, lady, jump. We have the tarp here, we'll be able to catch you.
LADY: No....I can't. My baby, my baby is up here.
FIREMAN: Throw the baby down, we'll catch him.
LADY: No, you'll miss. I can't leave my baby.
Jerry sees this and steps forward. "Hey, I think I can help. Let me have the bullhorn."
JERRY: Hey lady, I'm Jerry Rice, the wide receiver for the San Francisco 49er's. I'm the best wide receiver in the game, throw your baby down and I'll catch him, this is what I do for a living.
Being a 49er fan herself, the lady recognizes Jerry and throws her baby down to him. Just as she throws it though, a huge gust of wind comes and takes the baby and starts to blow him off course. Jerry sees this and takes off after the baby. He hurdles the line closing off the area, fights through the crowd, dodges a couple of fire fighters, jumps over the car, and dives forward, just making a fingertip catch of the baby. The crowd around him goes wild and starts cheering his amazing catch. So Jerry jumps to his feet, raises his finger into the air, does a two step and then spikes the baby.
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