| Trailer
Trash Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat
and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty,
no candies or toys
and I was camped out
on my old Lay-Zee-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking
to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said
they had had in their life.
My wife couldn't argue
and neither could I,
so I watched the TV
and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard
the dog started barking,
I stood up and looked and
I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here
from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus?, I don't know
nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in
without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me,
just what's he look like."
The Sheriff said, "Well he's a jolly old feller,
with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard,
and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like
my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy"
the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing
is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then
I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time
that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened
last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife
had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work
she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer
had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and
the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shaking
as I grabbed hold of my gun,
when outta Red's chimney
this old feller did run.
And slung on his back
was this bag over flowing.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff
while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy,
hands in the air!"
But he went about his business
like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot
over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and
he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off
I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy,
I'll see ya in court."
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