The Sweet Beauty of Death

How many times do I have to die?
Like a phoenix I rise from the dying embers
Emotional deaths, visual images
Stunning beauty heightened by the passing
Nature's voice calling, siren's singing
The sun is bright and in this passing I fall
Into its arms I descend, sinking, drowning
Like a stone I rush through the waters of chaos.

Silence is all around me, my mind alone
I close my eyes and the arms of death circle around me
Into my memories I go, searching, trying to understand
Tears and pain, fights with my dad
A ticking bomb ticks away
I hear the ticking. Slow and steady
Sometimes silent, other times loud
I hold myself down, wait for the moment, wait for the explosion.

Moments pass, I forget the ticking, forget the noise in my head
By surprise it takes me, always different, always new
And into its arms I descend once more
In the labyrinths of my mind I stumble and fall
Picture images go by, a silent movie
I see his face, feel him on top of me
How many times did I beg for you to stop?
How many times did I try to end it?
But like a fox I felt trapped in the moment of it all.

You whispered it was all a secret, not to be told,
Not to be spoken off,
But I still see the blood and still feel the pain,
You just laughed while I cried
Kept pushing and shoving, kept fucking me up
I just cried and cried, cried and cried
Now I have no more tears, everything gone
Your power still shadows me
Will I ever be free from it?